Is it really over?

About 3 weeks ago my boyfriend of four years came to me out of the blue and said he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He says not with me or anyone, that maybe he never will want. He has been back and forth on this during the relationship, each time hurting me so much. He has been a man in my life that showed me what love should be. I left an abusive marriage and started a new life for me and my two kids, he came into my life when I least expected it. I let him into all of our lives and let him so close to my heart, more than anyone. I don't understand!! How do you just turn off any emotional attachment to someone. The Saturday night we spent together before the break up was a great night, we had a good day, lots of laughs, a night of intimacy that was great as always, he said he loved me with all of his heart. Then not even 12 hours later he's gotta get out of my life? Help!!! Is there any saving this? I need a man's perspective. Please help me!!!


Most Helpful Guy

  • It looks like deep trauma issue... he is looking for freedom and intimacy but intimacy trigger his fear to be not free i think... he needs to feel this kind of complex feeling to then verbalize it and understand it in perspective with you but it can take a lot of time for it... does he have good relation with his mother and with his father? Does he have someone wise like a good friend to listen him? At last, try to be really comprehensive with him and focus on your happiness with your child: that should be your first matter of preoccupation i think... your children need to have you with them at 100%! Good luck and be good to you! :)

    • His father and mother had a relationship where they each did what they wanted and on their own. Not a close loving relationship, separate bedrooms. He has many great friends who would listen to him but he closes off. Will not talk about anything. He just keeps himself crazy busy. I wanted to at least sit down together and have more to go on as to why this is happening other than I just don't want a relationship, but he refuses. I just wish I understood

    • Ok... i think you should try some little "tests" like dating other men which can surprisingly help you to get more detached of him for the next months... and the next time you ll see him you will be able to play it more detached and tell him that you re now dating new men and you are fine... and then look at his reactions... maybe your relation is too easy for him and he needs some kind of challenge... in all the cases he needs to feel that you've changed in some ways to get more interested in you, more curious... maybe he needs to have more success in his career too to feel more proud of him and be more confident with you... i really don't know... but i think that you should be ready for the best and for the worst... maybe it's better to look forward for something new... in all the case you have to do something about your personal life which is the only sure place where you have real power on it... i hope you have good friends with you to help you get through this... :)

    • Thank you, I appreciate your insight.

Most Helpful Girl

  • This relationship will never work. walk away. He's apparently told you repeatedly that he doesn't want a relationship with you. If it has been 4 years and he still keeps saying that, it's beyond time to walk away. At this point he would know if he wanted to be with you or not for sure. It sounds like he is just saying it nice and easy to not hurt you as bad. It really just sounds like he cares for you, but is really not feeling the same way you are. Maybe he just likes to hang out, be affectionate, and have sex, but he's made it clear where he stands. The longer you drag this on, the worse you will be hurt in the end. I went through something similar and of course it ended. All the signs were there and he was telling me how he felt, but I stupidly ignored it and wasted my time. again, if he really wanted to be with you he would after all of this time.


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What Guys Said 3

  • dont even try to, you'll just end up being dragged with your kids through this, and end up even more hurt.
    dont think that train has gone and there is no chance for a Happy life ahead
    you'll find someone sooner or later, but if you need a friend to confide to, I'm always here

    I'm sorryt hat you had togo through this and take a hit when you let you guards down. but dint try to pull things in order to make it happen
    and don't lose hope and take care if yourself and the kids

  • "How do you just turn off any emotional attachment to someone?"

    It wasn't sudden: you literally wrote

    "He has been back and forth on this during the relationship, each time hurting me so much."

    • Yes at the beginning of our relationship but for the last year he's seemed very sure. Talking about engagement rings and he would bring it up. So it has been sudden for our relationship over this year.

    • I've been "him" and in my case I had my doubts for a while, even though there were great moments in between, and because they were genuine doubts they swung back and forth. What you ahve to understand is that there is no way to gradually tell someone: it will always seem sudden to the other person because they can't read your mind and you only tell them you want to break up when you've made up your mind.

    • That is true, thank you for your input.

What Girls Said 1

  • he's just an attention seeker who wants you to chase him.

    • DONOT chase him

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