We have had problems with my boyfriend, we have been on the verge of breaking up, but wanted to try still. We broke up yesterday. What should I do?

I have panic and anxiety disorders.

We had a small fight on Saturday evening and we both were tense after that, also on Sunday. Then we talked and agreed on trying to move on. Then when we are about to go to sleep, he starts imitating my voice, and I ask him kindly to stop. He didn't. I asked like 5 times, and then I jokingly waved my phone at him as if I tried to hit him. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't even that near, and I would NEVER do any physical violence to anyone. (Mind you, once he got so angry that he was holding me from my throat against a wall, and after that pushed me so hard that I fell down.) Then he got up yelling that I am crazy and a lunatic, and said that we're done. After that I went to see my friend outside my apartment and told her what happened. We went to take the stuff I need for few days from our flat. He got out from the room yelling that we cannot shut up when he tries to sleep. The reality is, I warned him that me and my friend are going to get some of my stuff and he was awake.

I left from there, stayed the night at my mom's place. Now I'm at work and I feel anxious. We had had problems mostly because of me, so it sucks that now that I didn't even do anything, we broke up. I know I'm difficult sometimes, but I've shown him that I want to get help and finally seeked help. So, he has had to deal with me a lot and even when I was difficult.

I don't know what to do cause I feel bad for him calling me crazy and a bitch, and everything else you can imagine of. I still might want to continue with him, but he said that this is my last chance a while ago, and now it's ruined. I don't even know if it would be wise to stay with him cause he is not helping and supporting me, but blaming me for not being a normal girlfriend. The reality is that I need help and time to get better, not anyone telling me that I'm a psycho or something.

Please, feel free to ask more questions, I would like to have as many opinions as possible!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You need help. he's not a good guy. Stay at your mom's and away from him. You are the girl who puts all the blame on herself and allows to put herself in a relationship with an abusive man. Its time to get out and some help because you can't see that at all.

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    • Thank you for your opinion!

      I think I made him sound like he's a monster, but the reality is that I made him go through a lot of shit before I actually managed to get to a proper therapy. So no wonder he's starting to explode with me.

      I know I need help, but I just don't know what to do with this relationship. We're done but we have a contract of our flat, and it's still for 9 months..

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    • Actually, I'm pretty lucky since my mom is living next to the stable my horse is in :D so it's cool that I can take the dogs with me and go and take care of my horse.

    • Thanks for the MHO!

What Guys Said 14

  • This doesn't sound like a normal relationship. Either you, him or both of you grew up in a household with dysfunctional parents.

    To argue over petty things is quite pointless. If you find your arguments about petty things are blowing up into big arguments, there's something wrong with one or both of you. It would probably be systemic (you or he has a long history of bad relationships with a lot of arguing).

    Might be good to ask yourself why these arguments get out of hand. In all of my relationships, the small bickering never led to any huge arguments. Learn how to diffuse the situation. Your ego isn't worth a breakup. If you find yourself during an argument saying "You never do this for me...", or "You always do that to me...", note that "always" probably isn't true and that it probably makes the argument worse.

    I've learned to stop using such phrases and it certainly helps.

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    • Well to confirm your first argument, he had pretty weird parents in a way that they were favouring his big brother pretty often, and my boyfriend said he was feeling like he was "the stupidest one" in the family most of the time. He was living in the slums of Paris. On the contrary I feel like my childhood was okay.

      I know it's stupid to argue about small things and I've realised it few weeks back when we were close on breaking up. That's why I tried to stay calm in any case now, but the fact that he wanted to piss me of and didn't stop although I asked him to, was bad from him.

      I know I wouldn't want to break up, but I guess it's done anyway and I want to try talking about it, but I know it'll end up him blaming me for everything. Any tips what to do now?

    • If you believe yourself to be the "normal" one, I would suggest letting him go. In order for the relationship to last, BOTH of you must be on the same page. By that, I mean BOTH of you must realize that petty squabbles are not worth it, and that both of you must know when it is more valuable to suck up your ego and either apologize or diffuse the situation. If he seems to be the type that enjoys pissing you off in order to win a petty squabble, that is likely to be a recurring theme for the duration of your relationship.

      Since you seem to realize that small arguments are not worth it in the long run, perhaps you should reflect on how you can generate the desired response from someone based on what you do.

    • For example, have you seen those crappy videos where a parent is frustrated by a crying baby? Sometimes, the gut reaction of these parents is to beat their baby to get them to stop. However, if these people were to be asked a simple question..."If you beat your crying child, do you think your child will stop crying?"... the answer will almost always be "No". So then... why do some parents use beatings as a means to try and stop a crying baby?

      In the similar analogy, ask yourself, "If I want my boyfriend to... wash the dishes... or help me clean up the home... etc... does shaming him or arguing with him about it make him do it?". The answer is probably also "No". However, if you ask yourself, "What does my boyfriend need me to do in order to have him help me clean up the home?", the answer will more likely come to you.

      You can often get people to do what you want them to by reverse engineering your thought process.

  • You have one life and only you can determine the direction you take, unless you surrender that power to someone.

    If you're still in control of your life then you need to do what's best for you. If someone else has power over then you will need to decide if you can/want to break free.

    Just my opinions that I think apply to all of us. Hope it makes sense and good luck.

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    • Many thanks for your wise words!

  • I think it is as much his problem as yours yet you insist on taking all the blame. Relationships are all about give and take, he has to take some of the load to make it work.

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    • Yeah, well he didn't take any load so we broke up. I went to talk to him yesterday and we agreed on how we're gonna move out. I also got to hear all the same crap as before that I'm crazy, a liar and such.. And how he is going to hate me for the rest of his life.

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    • I know it is your nature to make it a huge thing but take a step back and say "I will try my best and if that doesn't work I will try something else" - I saw this lovely quote the other day
      cdn-media-2.lifehack.org/.../stay_cool.jpg

    • That sounds better. I think I've told myself that "I'll try" too much, but that gives a new meaning to it.

      That quote is indeed a good one! And here in Finland we have Γ€ and ΓΆ more, so even more room for plans!

  • You should not be with him; you need to heal yourself or focus on your mental health.

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    • Yeah I know I should focus on myself now. The fact is that when I went to see a doctor and I reserved the times for the psychologist and the nurse, I felt already a lot better because I know I'm gonna get help. I also told my mom about my worsening situation, which helped me as fell for now I don't need to hide anything.

    • It will be good for you to avoid drama or lessen the drama and headaches in your life.

    • It just sucks because we just moved in two months ago and our flat's contract is 11 months. I'm stuck, and since we broke up, I don't want to live in the same apartment as him.

  • the worst GF/BF is the one who keeps putting you down and whatever you do they don't appreciate it... I used to have nearly the same problem and now I'm also having anxiety issues... in my opinion you have to move on really... because we don't deserve to be treated like that... the reason why he told you we are done is very silly and doesn't make sence it's like he was wating for any small mistake to say that!

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    • I think you're right. It's just hard to even want to move on, because I know we had a great (and almost perfect) relationship if it wasn't for my anxiety. I feel like I ruined everything because of it, but on the other hand my boyfriend should have been more patient with me. He was always getting angry and not understanding me.

      Fuck, I don't know what to do!!

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    • Yeah I hope so too

  • If there is more arguments than happy moments then my advice would be to leave for good. Yeah it will hurt for a while but trust me hurting once is better than hurting constantly over and over again in a vicious cycle of resentment and hate. May you have happy vibes in your life

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    • There is more arguments when I'm feeling bad, but lately things were better and we were becoming the same couple we used to be

  • If you want him back the opening could be the fact you went to seek help... you'll have to convince him that you're aware of what he said and are continuing to work on it.
    Saying that it's really for him you're doing that may help. Either he was upset and is already missing you - in that case there's a chance to make it up.
    ... or he's really "had it" in which case it may be over, but I don't think you should focus on that now.
    Thumbs up you can sort this out :D

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    • Well I went to talk with him yesterday, and it didn't go as I was thinking at all. He said nasty things to me again, when I tried to explain myself calmly and tried to take care of the matter in a decent way. He said that he'll hate me the most in his life.

      I don't know what to feel and do.

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    • Yeah but try to focus your mind on that corner :D

    • Yeah that's the main thing😁

  • I've already told you what to do πŸ˜‚ LOL

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    • Yeah and still I wanna try because I know he's a good guy.. When I'm feeling good

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    • My head is just exploding because I don't know what to do! I kinda want to be together with him, but then again I don't.

      Now we're not even talking, and I'm going crazy because of this shit.

  • He shows no understanding for how vulnerable you are emotionally. To me, the relationship EXACERBATES your problems constantly.

    It's better this way, to not face harassment and threats from him.

    Good luck, keep moving forward...

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    • I went to talk to him yesterday, and I got to hear all the same shit again. He said he's gonna hate me for the rest of his life.

      I just feel like I'm responsible for his actions: because I had problems and I brought them upon him, he changed to be a total asshole. I feel like shit cause he was the person I was loving the most in my life.

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    • He sure didn't. By now he should have SOME understanding of your situation. if he cared about you!!

    • Yeah I think he cared before.. But wasn't just able to understand me

  • It's ok just be strong :)

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  • thanks for accepting

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  • please do not let anyone touch you like that...

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    • I normally wouldn't.. I thought that he would never do anything like that. When he did it, he saidt was my fault for making him angry like that, as he never did anything like that before.

    • do you believe that somehow you did something to trigger his anger?
      Because you did not...

    • Yeah I think I started to have a panic attack when it happened.. after I calmed down he was already furious

  • A true partner looks past the mirror.

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  • If He hurts you like that don't bother with him you deserve someone nicer

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    • He does, over and over again.. But still I care too much about him and I don't even know what I want! I want to be with him but then again I don't.

What Girls Said 0

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