Does it make me a bad person for dumping my boyfriend because the mother of his child doesn't understand boundaries?

I have my own place and from time to time my boyfriend would stay over.
He has an 18 month old daughter with another woman.

It doesn't bother me he has a child with someone else. It bothers me that when I work 14+ hours a day and have to be up 5am next day... he gets a call from her about midnightish asking to come over with baby...

I'm no parent, but why on earth is she taking the baby out in the middle of night when she should be asleep? She'll come over, I say as politely as I can I have work in morning and wanting them to leave and saying "she looks tired, like me" trying to get her to leave my house then she'll want to pester my boyfriend into letting her stay. Then I get pissed off...

Next day after work, I told my boyfriend she cannot be coming round with the baby at daft hours of the night... it's not like he works often. He can go and see baby during day and he does... but the mother of his child just thinks she can turn up at mine whenever she wants. I just want to slap her tbh.
He wasn't listening to me and didn't do as we agreed in telling her to go home. So last night I told them both to get out of my house, and told him to not bother coming round or messaging me.

Doesn't bother me he has a kid, it bothers that mother doesn't seem to understand boundaries or that children should be in bed by 9 not 3 in morning.


0|0
1814

Most Helpful Guy

  • This is a legit reason to end it. Baby momma drama is a huge reason why people actually avoid dating single parents in the first place. Like you said, the kid really isn't the problem, the other partner is! Clearly this behavior from her is on purpose and she is deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship. I would break up because no matter what you do, because of the child they share, she will always be in his life, and therefore your's too. Like it or not! Only way to avoid it is to date someone else who doesn't have kids!

    10|0
    0|0
    • Can't blame the kid. I love her and she's adorable but I would love it even more if her mother could actually learn to respect that it's my home and she's coming over with a screaming child when I have work in morning.

      Of course it's gunna be different when it's my child, they will come first. But as far as I'm aware I didn't become pregnant and give birth and agreed to have a screaming child who is not mine in my house. Poor little lass is probably crying because she's tired and the mother doesn't seem to understand that children her age should be in bed. Not driven across town to see her Dad at 2am...

Most Helpful Girl

  • It's a totally understandable reason to end a relationship. You were very patient, and you tried communicating with him first. He didn't listen. Someone who won't take your concerns seriously is simply not going to make a very good partner.

    2|0
    0|0

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 13

  • No, this seems like a good reason to break up with him, but it's not so much because of his ex, but because I don't think you're quite yet ready for the child life. I agree, it seems crazy to bring over his child in the middle of the night, but I don't care what hour it is -- if it has to do with my daughters, it's always allowed. I'll take them whenever and see them whenever because to be honest, I don't get to see them enough as-is.

    But of course, this might be easy for me to say because my ex-wife would never do anything like that. However, I can understand why he wouldn't say no. You know, during my divorce, my ex-wife made a stink to the parenting evaluator that I was spending too much time with the girls during daycare drop offs. Sometimes I would stay there up to an hour and a half after I brought them there and would read stories to all the kids and what not. The evaluator said I needed to work on getting out of there faster, but I straight up told him no -- if my daughter asks me to stay, I'm staying. The way I saw it, he was too old to understand what it means to be a modern parent and his opinions were not relevant to today. Similarly, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't say 'no' to the midnight visits is something that I think you'd understand if these were your kids.

    I mean, in case it wasn't clear, I completely agree with you about his ex. That child should be in bed by 730pm at the latest and the mother is clearly a questionable mother (to be fair, all young mothers are pretty poor parents and your boyfriend is probably not a great father), but I understand why he allows it.

    1|0
    0|0
    • He's not my boyfriend, he's my ex.
      I'm not ready to have a child? How dare you!

      How fucking dare you tell someone you don't know they aren't ready. Who are you to judge? I would probably make a better parent then the two of them combined because that child would be in bed at the proper time!

  • What should bother you the most is that he did not respect your wishes. You were right to dump him. If he disrespects you now, it will not get better as he becomes more comfortable with you.

    3|0
    0|0
  • No it isn't bad. Because it is best that he get far away from a woman like you now. When you are a mother you will understand what a disgusting human being you are. 1) you never break up with anyone based on someone else. 2) children come before anyone... ANYONE...
    If you can't understand that you need to never date anyone with kids ever...

    0|0
    7|0
    • Speak for yourself..

    • Show All
    • Or have the child just stay over and baby mom can leave.

    • Unless she has an extremely good reason to be calling my boyfriend at 2am (baby is ill, not responding anything to do with health - thats okay) only coming over to visit for the sake of it when the kid should be in bed is not okay.
      1. It's my place, I say who can come in when and I said no.
      2. It's not my kid, if I had a kid of course my kid will come first. But she's my boyfriends kid. I don't hold any responsibility for her.
      3. I'm a terrible person because I won't let the mother of his child come in at unreasonable hours just so the mother can see my boyfriend IN MY HOME?

      Your morals are seriously messed up dude.

  • You were perfectly within your rights to do so.

    3|0
    0|0
  • Nope you did the right thing. He didn't respect your wishes and didn't hold her to those boundaries. he's a pushover.

    0|0
    0|0
  • You were right, and it's his fault for enabling her bad behavior. Neither of them respects you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • That is just too much for me to handle. Too crazy. Idkk how you do it. Your not the bad person. They both are ( to me at least (

    1|0
    0|0
  • does she really have a place to live or she comes there to stay and doesn't have a place that is something you need to find out if the child has no place to live

    0|0
    0|0
    • She has her own place... She has a kid dude, government will pay for child benefits and housing for her

  • na the dude should obviously stay in contact with the mother but that is too much and lightly worrying good idea to dump him

    0|0
    0|0
  • It is completely understandable

    1|0
    0|0
  • I am not very tolerant of outsiders irritating my peace and status in my life

    0|0
    0|0
  • Yes.

    0|0
    0|0
  • no i think thats normal.

    0|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 17

  • I think you were right to do what you did. She was clearly just trying to stir things up by using the kid as an excuse and he wasn't setting the boundaries. I would have done the same. He could easily see his kid at reasonable hours.

    1|0
    0|0
  • No, not at all.
    Why does she want to come over? Is the baby sick? If she needs help why isn't she calling him to go there instead of taking the baby out?

    0|0
    0|0
    • No the child isn't sick. The mother just uses the child to come over and see him.

    • Show All
    • I'd just leave them to it then. Baby is #1 and it seems like they still haven't sorted out an appropriate co-parent dynamic

    • Probably because she keeps threatening to not let him see his daughter if he doesn't do what she wants.

  • Yes you are right. Baby mamas be thinking they can do anything just cause they have a child with a man.. she did that crap on purpose. She knew what she was doing and used the kid in her plan. She did it to get you out the picture, either for revenge or to get his Ass back. Don't need that drama, and that's why a lot people don't want to date people with kids.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Absolutely no reason to be showing up at 3 in the morning, he can see the child at a more reasonable hour. Did he say something about it?

    • She'll call at 2am in morning and I tell him to just tell her that he'll see his kid in morning. He doesn't and I'm sounding like a bitch saying to him IT'S 2 IN THE FUCKING MORNING SHE'S NOT COMING IN

  • No, I'd break up with him too. It seems that the ex is trying to get back in the picture. Why does she feel the need to come over in the middle of the night when he sees the kid during the day?

    0|0
    0|0
    • Thats a question only he can answer

  • no, nothing wrong with your feelings on things. it is strange that she comes over so late, and its weird that he wouldn't follow your wishes in your own home. sounds like they have some things aside from the kid to work out... I don't know.

    0|0
    0|0
  • You were very nice about the situation and he didn't seem to understand how frustrating it is. You made a good call.

    1|0
    0|0
  • No, your ex was a jerk. The baby mamma wasn't the problem. Your ex was. He decided not to set boundaries which allowed her to overstep them because they were inexistent.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I completely agree with you. It sounds like the problems are: she's using the baby to get his attention and he won't establish any boundaries! I say good for you, this shouldn't periodically disrupt your life!

    0|0
    0|0
  • If he refuses to back you up on this, you're totally justified in dumping him.

    0|0
    0|0
  • i would've reacted the same way as you, so it's perfectly fine in my book.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Personally I feel that you are completely justified in taking the actions that you have.
    If others cannot comprehend or understand quite reasonable requests, then they must suffer the consequences.

    0|0
    0|0
  • You did the right thing. She was using the child to toy with your relationship, and he was letting her use the child as a pawn in all of it.

    1|0
    0|0
  • that's your house and your rules she has no respect and neither did he.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Punch the bitch in tbe face that way see if she learns her lesson.

    0|0
    0|0
    • You did the right thing is not yoyr fault that bitch dint use protection and had that mistake.

  • You are complete right !

    0|0
    0|0
  • no you are not a bad person

    0|0
    0|0
  • I totally understand where you're coming from with this and I think you're justified in doing that.

    0|0
    0|0
Loading... ;