Please help me. Why does SEX beat LOVE?

I hate myself. I was with my high school sweetheart for 4 years. I know he is my soulmate. I'm in love with his personality, it suits mine perfectly. I trust him with all of my heart and soul, I feel completely safe around him and he's just a plain amazing guy. In all the years I've known him... he's never hurt me in any way. That is incredible. The only thing is... I've never really been physically attracted to him. Basically not at all. :(
I still loved him but I broke up with him when I realized it wasn't fair to him that he was with someone so shallow and deserved a girl who was attracted to him in ALL ways.

Then, a few months later right on cue... I met my latest ex. It was the opposite with him. I was and unfortunately still am EXTREMELY physically attracted to him. But I just knew in my gut he wasn't right for me and I broke up with him after realizing I didn't see any kind of future with him. He was pretty immature with a LOT of mental illnesses (I have two of my own so I'm not judging him for the illnesses btw) and I didn't feel safe around him at all like I did with my first ex. And unlike my first ex, he did hurt/upset me at times. But the sex was out of this world.

With my 1st ex I have a strong emotional/mental connection and with my 2nd I have a strong physical/sexual connection. It seems like the first should win out so WHYYYY is my 2nd ex the only one on my mind? I hate myself for this. Both of them want to get back together and of course I want to be with my first because I know he's my soulmate but that wouldn't be fair to him when I'm constantly pining over my 2nd. I feel so shallow and primal that my body is winning over my heart. Is this normal? Why is it like this? How can I change this, it disgusts me?


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07

Most Helpful Guy

  • I know why, but a long detailed explanation won't change anything. To summarize, it has a lot to do with the lizard part of the brain, possibly a little to do with the ego, some of it is due to learned conditioning from society and some of the hidden messages pushed without you realizing (when younger), but mostly it is to do with the unconscious drive to find the physically superior mate to pass your DNA on to (even if you don't want kids).

    It's a similar reason why practically all men find certain physical traits and ages more attractive.

    But... oh this is turning into a long one... BUT, some of it is due to the ego. Let me ask you this simple question. Can you stop thinking for even 20 seconds? Try it, think of nothing for 20 seconds...

    If the answer is no, then the ego is part of the reason (in my opinion).

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What Guys Said 6

  • There's nothing shallow about loving sex. It's why I prefer to have sex first with someone before deciding if I want to be in some sort of long term relationship with her. One of the worst scenario for me is similar your first relationship. I would hate to be in a relationship with a girl I am in love with but don't find attractive or have poor chemistry in the bedroom.

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  • When you say the sex is amazing what exactly about it is amazing? What can't the first guy do that the other can? Describe.

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  • Because sex is part of love
    Love is all the above. So to get to love you need all the above

    Simple really

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  • Then you should find someone in between an attractive asshole and "ugly" good guy.

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  • Sex is a instant chemical release love is slow chemical release it's like comparing morphine to tylonal

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  • Omg I'm in a similar situation. I have a good friend who is like a soul mate and I trust her 100% and she likes me more than a friend but I'm not physically attracted to her at all. So I can't see myself with her sexually

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