Girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me because I haven't asked her to marry me.. how do I show I had been planning on asking her?

We have been together for 5 years , and I knew she had been wanting to get married and start our life together. I had been playing music nationally touring for most of that time.. this last year she really started showing signs wanting to get married.. i told her I was going to quit the band and come home and make everything right..
it was tough for me to get the ball rolling as I was hooked deeply into the music career, and money was tight.., but I was on a path of doing just what I said I'd do.. i slowed the band down to a hault and started being home more and started doing odd jobs to save money and I had planned on asking her by winter of this year... then BOOM.. she got the news she has Endometriosis.. her world turned upside down... I instantly quit the band and got a job , helped her deal with surgeries medical issues.. and then out of no where she tells me she needs time to figure out her happiness.. (break up)

She tells me she resents me because I waited to long... and now feels like the only reason I'm finally here for her is because of the break up and medical issues.. which is not the case.. it just moved all my plans up a few months..

this is week 4 of me trying to do everything I can to get her back and currently we just hang out but we don't discuss anything.., all I get is (I don't want to talk about it) and she has said she resents me for waiting too long..

what can I do to prove I have been wanting the same things.. and have been working towards our goals? Life just kinda happened before I got the chance to man up.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You know, part of me gets it. Endo aside - you've spent how much time getting your ducks into a row before meeting her needs? When really, if you really wanted to you could have proposed and gotten engaged before doing all of that and cemented your position on the matter as you felt it.
    Added to that endo is hard to deal with, so that stress amplifies everything. Resentment at you for taking so long so she has to question your true intentions. Also that she could have been married and on her way to having children (if that's something she wants) by now is another "what if".
    Another facet is the fertility issue. If you did want children she could potentially block that for you and that is a HUGE burden to wear for someone. I have stage 4 endo and have tried for many years to give my husband children and the guilt and shame about failing to do so is enormous.

    I understand your perspective too though, and that you've worked so hard and sacrificed to have it rejected. If you're really serious about being with her then I'd be patient. And persistent so she knows you're not going anywhere but don't let her drag this out for too long. You deserve to be happy too

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Most Helpful Guy

  • if its serious she won't just leave you over not marrying her, she seems like she wants marriage more than the man she loves

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What Girls Said 13

  • well after all this time she expected you to do it... its like she's disappointed... give her time and see how things go... she might not take you as seriously as before tho

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    • She knows I'm serious.. just thinks that I'm serious for the wrong reasons

  • Maybe really give her the time to think about it, while still showing that you are consistent and would stay by her side. Show her that you really want to be with her, through your actions. and by the time comes that she would be open to discuss it then explain it to her thoroughly.

    I think the key point would be Consistency of Actions. And try to understand that she has been through a lot lately so her moods could reall be a bit wacky.

    Hope that helps

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    • That is what I've been doing.. seems like she has pushed everything away from her and isn't ready to deal with any issues.. I told her that I want to share these problems or issues with her.. tackle them as a couple vs. her just going at it all alone

    • you mentioned that it has been 4 weeks right? well, persevere buddy. 4 weeks is totally short time for women. haha. as long as she is still spending time with you, then you still have a chance. If she's really worth it then continue being by her side and reassuring her.

  • Propose!!! She might say no. If so, tell her: it's ok, I'll ask you again next month. And then, propose next month. If she says no again, tell her: it's ok, I'll ask you again next month... And so on.
    She deserves you to do that... You had her waiting 5 years!!! It's your turn.
    by the way... She might get really angry when you propose, just take it like a man and say: it's ok, I'll ask again next month.

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    • Worried about rejection... She felt rejected for 5 long years.
      Good luck!

  • Buy her an engagement ring. by the way, what kind of music do you play?

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    • Already have one!! And alt:rock

    • Then take her out for a perfect day, then at the end of the day get down on one knee and propose to her. Tell her how sorry you are that you didn't ask earlier, but you want to be together with her for the rest of your lives.

    • She's made it clear that she resents me for not doing that earlier.. not sure if it's a good move to do that now in the heat of all her emotions

  • listen, life happens at the best and worst of times. She's probably feeling extremely needy so she's lashing out at you. There's nothing you can do to make it better. Why don't you give her time?

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  • She wants a wedding not a marriage! What happens down the road when it gets way harder and she like ya I need to find my happiness... u gave up ur dreams and she's like ummm I don't know come on man that's asking a lot of anyone and to be upset after getting what u wanted is worse.. u think she knows about the ring and this is how she's acting doesn't sound like she really cares that much about what u want!

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  • i can't blame her. i too was in a relationship for 7 years, and my ex never proposed. i started to feel resentment and i think thats not good for a relationship.

    maybe take her out somewhere romantic and pop the question?

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  • It's not worth it if she can break up with you that easily and not wait till you are ready... don't do it bro divorce will be your future

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  • She's so needy.. she just can't be patient can't she? Marriage isn't a joke

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  • She's admittedly going through a lot with her health, but it sounds like you're a supportive guy and she's demanding. She didn't support your passion of music and is demanding marriage. Marriage is just a status/title. If she truly loves you, it wouldn't be an issue. What If you fail to meet some other expectation down the road and she divorces you?

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  • Give her some time to calm down and then try abain

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  • Well have you got the ring?

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    • No I haven't.. but I think she knows I have one..

    • :s if she knows then surprised she wouldn't of said anything

  • I think her recent diagnosis of endometriosis has scared her, as it is most likely she will be unable to have children. I think it's going to take time. The more you talk to her, the more I think you will be able to show her that you are on the same page.

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    • The main issue now is that she doesn't believe I had been planning a proposal or any future progression of the relationship

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    • Yup I've done that too... right now I think she's still just being resentful or mad and just in a denial type state

    • That's unfortunate. If you are willing to wait, it's all you can do, and let her know you'll be there when she's ready to talk.

What Guys Said 2

  • if she is the type to be "oh you waited to long" when only being together for five years i say leave her and get someone better

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    • "Only" five years?

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    • @redeyemindtricks the only fact here of relevance is marriage gives no benefits in its endeavor unlike it used to. the evidence? fewer are getting married and more are getting divorced. this could be due to the breaking down of the 50's nuclear family system among many other factors but it still remains men gain nothing from the equation. women might gain something they only really gain if it goes south.

    • The LOWER classes are getting married less, yeah. There's a lot of fucked-up incentives there — basically, social-welfare programs tend to have the unintended effect of benefiting mothers who kick the father out of the house (and the kids' lives) — so, that trend can be understood easily enough in purely financial terms.

      There's been very little change in the marriage rate among the upper classes, though. the only significant change is that they're getting married a few years later — but that's happened in lockstep with the growth of higher education. Other than that, there's been no statistically significant change at all.
      So... no, there is definitely NOT a class of (middle-class and higher) men who are "opting out of marriage because it has no benefits". That's just factually not true.

  • Let her go. She did you a favor.

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