Please help me try and understand what is going on in ex's head?

He left me 4 months ago.Together 4 yrs. I was his 1rst relationship. He's a homebody and doesn't date. We had a great relationship. I was a good girlfriend and he was a good boyfriend. We were happy. He moved back to his hometown. He's kept in contact with me since then. Just calls to say "Hi." and ends convo with "I still love you." I don't ask him if he does he just tells me on his own.

I called him 2 days ago and asked him to come home. He said I was being "silly."He says no matter how much we want to be together he can't because he signed 1 year lease on apt. and they would charge him a bundle to break the lease.( he's on disability payments). I understand that. He says he has a picture of us on his nightstand. As I sat here and typed this he called me again to say "Hi." I was very vague with him and he cut the convo short.

I know he still loves me and there was no reason for him to leave.

Please help me understand what is going through his mind. Tell me how I should act when he calls me, or should I not answer and let him wonder? I hardly ever call him.. Maybe perhaps then I can find closure on this. thank you all so much.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Sorry to hear this. Relationships can be so painful because the brain is telling one thing but the heart is pulling the other way.

    Consider the facts.

    After four years he moves away and takes a twelve month lease on an apartment. Why?

    He says he STILL loves you. What does he mean "still."

    Ask yourself, if he loves you why move away?

    Ask yourself, do people in love really want to separate for long periods or do they want to be together?

    He is a "homebody" so I suspect he wants to have his cake and eat it. He likes his bachelor life but rather likes to keep a nice girl like you on tow.

    I do not know how you feel about it but my advice would be for you to test the water again. Go our more and meet people and socialize. In this way you may move on although you can still take his calls and keep in touch. In this way you, too can have your cake and eat it.

    Too many girls stick by a bloke who is not keen on a permanent relationship and by so doing they waste their time. You have already used up four years of your life on a boyfriend who is now living away.

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What Guys Said 1

  • What was the reason that he left you/your city? Could he not afford to live there anymore? Did he want to end the relationship?

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    • I don't know why he left. He moved back to the city he used to live in. I don't know why he broke up.

    • Have you asked him?

What Girls Said 1

  • You don't say if your lack of knowledge about his motivation for the break up is because you can't bring yourself to ask or because he refuses to discuss it.

    The first situation is easily solved - yes it takes some courage and yes you may things you don't want to hear but if closure is what you're after then you need to have that difficult conversation. Anyway who knows what will come out of it - a 1 year lease isn't thye end of the world and if there are resolvabel issues bewteen you perhaps its still a salvageble situation.

    The second situation is harder. Losing a man you love is hard enough without being cast adrift without knowing why. Unfortunately you can't "make" him talk to you - nyou can'[t control his behavior -all you can do si control your reaction to his behaviour.

    You need to decide what you are prepared to live with - are you happy to have this long distance "sorta relationship" continue? Or do you feel that enough is enough and you wnat to move on? Only you know how willing you are at this point to let go but remember if you do decide to stay in touch you need to accept that the occasional phone call may be all you ever get.

    Alternatively if you cannot continue with the current situation you need to tell him so. Either call or write (if that's an easier way to organise your thoughts) and explain how his actions have left you feeling. Explain that the situation is untenable for you and that much as you care for him you need to move on with your life and that he doesn't have a place in that.

    I know these aren't easy choices but sitting in limbo is a frustrating and disempowering place to be - be kind to yourself and take the action that will move you forward be that with or without him.

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    • I told him 2 months ago that I couldn't be just friends with him and talk to him on the phone, and he said "Oh yes you can."

    • But that doesn't mean you have to does it? As I sadi I think you are allowing him to dictate the agenda here instead of you deciding what's best for you and acting on that

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