How long do you try to work things out before calling it quits?

A relationship of over 10 years. Mortgage and young children are involved. The relationship has been rocky for almost a year now, but it's not improving all that much. How long is too long to try? When do you know it's time?

Updates:
Thanks for the feedback everyone. We had a big blow out the day that I posted this and I decided I've had enough. My stuff is packed along with the kids. I'm moving back home to stay with my parents for a while. It's scary. I'll now be a single parent and will need to start living and planning accordingly, but I feel like I was dying a slow and painful death with him. He was sucking the life out of me. I need a break.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • unfortunately, I've had more then my share of failed, relationships and I treat it like Alimony, but not 50% of the time spent, more like 5%-10%. You've been together 10 years รท 5% = 6 months. But here's the thing, if you both are serious about trying to rescue your marriage, you should get into counseling. You have to have an outsider, a mediated so to speak. I do not like using that term as it makes it appear there will be nothing except arguing and that's not true. You both have to commit and attend. After 3 mos. you can kind of feel if its working, even just a tiny improvement & it will continue to improve. GOOD LUCK!

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    • I wish you the best of luck. Thank GOD for loving parents. I never had to use that option nor has my three siblings but, its good to have. Now lets see how long it is until he's calling your parents home. Stay strong and words are mere words but, action speaks volumes. People can & do change everyday, heck I did it, but they have to "WANT" it. He should have seen this coming. He should have been in counseling himself and shown you he was willing to change. "MOST" of us men, (including me) don't see anything wrong until she's gone. I went to counseling, still do because I want to make sure I don't treat another woman the way...

    • Thanks for the mho. How'd things work out for you?

Most Helpful Girl

  • Are y'all married and if not, do y'all want to get married? I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time y'alls relationship was bad so first of all , don't panic. The cause of this may be because y'all are stressed or something so my suggestion is to make some time to spend quality time together. Not just a little regular thing either. Maybe go get massages together, have a nice little dinner where y'all are genuinely having a good time together. Sit down and calmly talk to each other about what the problem is and fix it. If he doesn't reciprocate any of your efforts then that's when you'll know when it's time to let it go

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • when you don t want to go home or when it is not worth discussing to improve it

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  • I've at least tried on asking a girl out for about 4 years now, and somehow I try to quit that now.

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  • after a month

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What Girls Said 8

  • You know when you know. You get up in the morning and think "I just can't try anymore", or "I cannot live the rest of my life like this". You have to consider your children witnessing a bad relationship too, and you can show them that you tried and how an amicable split can be, so there's no need to worry about staying for the kids' sake. If it's feasible, have you ever thought of just moving out for a while? Also, what about counselling - just to let yourself know that you absolutely tried doing what you could to get you back on the rails again?

    Ten years is a long time, but so is twenty years. There are a lot of people who end things way past their expiry date that feel as though they wasted their lives in bad relationships all because they were scared of ending it because of the time invested already.

    If it really is worth hanging on to, and you think of yourself being 75 years-old with this person and can't imagine what your life would be like without them, good or bad, then try again. If you think to yourself you can't see yourself spending your life like this, what does that tell you?

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  • As silly as this might sound, you'll know in yourself when the right time is to move on from it all, you can only take so much, but in my opinion, if you don't feel like that, then it isn't time to call it quits. Because you're not ready. You have been together for such a long time and you have all these together that you have built a life on, it sounds like it would be such a shame to let it all go.
    Maybe you could try going to talk to someone about your problems, someone who can help you both worth through it. I know talking to someone is always a big help and they might be able to give you some guidance. Baby steps is the way forward, and even a little bit of improvement each day is a positive!
    Hope it all works out for you, Good Luck!

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  • i would consider pros and cons and try to find balanced timeframe. Leave it for roo long - possible irreversable damages to kids vs leave too soon - never know if you could have sorted this for the better. If you talk, maybe sit down and agree on the timeframe. On a case if one of you is not genuily interested then maybe there is no need at all and better focus your efforts on separating. Hope you find the right way. 10 years is a solid time for a relationship.

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  • Have you tried therapy? I stayed longer than I should have my situation he was abusive and financially iresponsible. If you can't afford an attorney their are resources research what's available in your area also if he's abusive get a protective order.

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  • The grass is never greener on the other side. Sure sex might Be better once in a while or the passion of a new romance is always there but is it really better. In my experience the answer is No, but no one knows your circumstances except for you. It's ultimately your choice to decide your entire life. Kinda scary. I just finished 10 years and now I haven't felt so alone. But all I can say is it's probably not worth it if you think it can be saved.

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  • Assuming you said yes when he asked you to marry him.

    How long were you expecting to stay married with him as you said "yes" or "I do"

    That's how long it takes before calling it quits.

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  • When you can admit that you don't feel anything anymore. It's not good for children to grow up being raised by parents that don't love each other. They will know about it.
    I've wasted two years saving something that died long time ago.

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  • If I'm miserable everyday, then it's time to leave

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