My boyfriend didn't wanna marry me, I did something awful. How can I fix this?

So I met him back when we were 10 years old. He moved next door, but didn't become friends until we were 14. From then on, we were best friends.

We started dating when we were 21. We're 28 now, live together, both have a career and we're pretty well off. I mentioned marriage about two years ago. And he was all for it. We talked and talked about it endlessly and he said he wanted to. But I eventually got tired of waiting and he's now saying he doesn't know. If you're with someone for 7 years, how do you not know?
(Btw. I never have him an ultimatum)
it turned into an argument and besides sleeping in the same bed, I've been basically avoiding him. I wake up earlier, take off to work, and later in the evening made plans with friends and would go to sleep after he's asleep. He called me out on it yesterday and told me he was tired of it and didn't want to play games. And then started pointing out all the bad stuff he doesn't like about me.

So, yesterday, while he was at work, and it was my day off, I packed up all my stuff and left. I'm staying at a friend's. My plan was to go apartment shopping but he has filled my voicemail with messages of him crying. Begging me to come back. As well as texts.

But if i go back, I'm right back where I started; wanting to get married (and having kids down the line) and not getting it from him. But it's also painful letting him go. I need time to think but will he be okay with me needing time? I don't know what to do. I know what I did was immature. I was just extremely hurt. And now I need advice? Anyone have any experience with this? At this point, did I make the right choice for me or not?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You two disagree about important fundamental issues. This shouldn't be about pointing fingers. It's not about who's right and who's wrong. You want to get married, he doesn't. You want kids, he doesn't. Neither of you are right or wrong, just differences in what you want.

    It's something you just have to think about and decide what you want. He has to decide the same thing. If you can't find common ground on this, you have to decide what's more important. You might not like either option, but if there is no common ground, then you can't have both.

    If he marries you, just to stay with you, but his heart isn't really into marriage, is that what you want? Is that a good basis for a healthy marriage?

    With kids, it's even more important that he really wants them, and not just because you want them but he doesn't.

    If I take what you said literally, he didn't say he didn't want to get married. He said he wasn't sure. Having doubts is common, even normal. It's really a matter of how serious those doubts are, and the reason (if he even knows, which he might not).

    Aside from all that, it sounds like it's gone pretty far in a bad direction now. It's going to be harder to resolve if it can be resolved at all.

    You said he was pointing out all the bad things he doesn't like about you. In the heat of an argument, that doesn't mean a lot. Everyone has things they don't like about their partner. But it's possible those things are really making him doubt if he wants to get married.

    Neither of you can have it both ways. You both have to decide. You both have to weigh your emotions against a more rational view. You need more than emotional love.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm in two minds.
    You didn't issue your ultimatum which is a huge mistake. Ultimatums have such a negative connotation but as long as you're following through with what you're saying it's basically just stating your end point. It's not forcing them to do what you want, it's forcing them to decide what's important and possible.
    You've been talking about it for two years but haven't set timelines or the priority for the relationship to continue. He can't know when your limit is without that if all you've ever done is talk about it. Then you left him without discussing it which is just horrible.

    On the other, he hasn't taken your wishes and needs seriously nor communicated his own and where he stands on it. You're completely within your rights to want what you want and if he can't/won't work with you there is no point in staying.

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    • after "talk and talk" for 7 years, i am sure the they passed the ending point. if he doesn't underatand that, it is because he didn't care enough. i dont it is necessary ultimatum here. it pretty clear what she wanted and he wasn't negleted that.

    • @alexandremp people talk about things all the time, without a "due" date it's just talk. How many kids we'll have doesn't mean anything until we have the discussion about WHEN it's happening. Talking and dreaming about building our final home is just talk until we make the plan and set the date we want to have it done by.
      To him the marriage talk could be the same thing, issuing the ultimatum isn't about forcing him. It's about making it clear her needs are genuine and they need action now. Communicating and understanding when our partner is being serious instead of making conversation and dreaming of the future is important

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 20

  • And this is why you're still not married. YOU ARE still not ready.

    You don't get what you want so you punish = fail
    You avoid = fail
    You argue = fail
    You shacked up instead of getting married in the first place = fail

    What a cryin' shame. And what a fucked up mess. I really feel bad for you, this should NEVER have happened. You took a really good thing, a loving relationship, two successful people, and just blew it up. Just fantastic.

    I'd tell you to piss up a rope. Get your shit and get out.

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    • I left because I was the only one TRYING. A relationship is a two way street here. I make a majority of the income between me and him. I cleaned up the apartment, did the cooking, did the laundry, etc. all while working 60 hours a week vs his 40. And STILL tried talking to him about his qualms about marriage and HE shut himself off. I tried for two years to talk to him about it. So don't talk about failure to me.

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    • *... mouth...

      That's all you get. There's nothing more here. :)

    • I apparently can't keep a man but you obviously couldn't keep your first wife happy.

  • Millennials. *rolls eyes*

    You say you're 28, why are you in the 18-24 range? That doesn't really matter at all, but...

    The time to talk this over was long before this point. Yes, you acted like a little kid. I'm gonna pick up my toys and play somewhere else. What you needed to do was put the big girl panties on and sit down and say to him "What's stopping you? What's holding you back, and what can we work on to get on the same page?"

    Because as sure as not, there's issues that are bothering him. There's only one way to find those out. You ran. That cost you credibility, but the fact he misses you is an opportunity. One that, if you don't want to have wasted 7 years of your life, I suggest you take. And take it seriously.

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    • Who says I didn't talk to him about it? He shut himself off from me. I tried talking to him about it for two years. How about read before making assumptions? Geez. At least my generation doesn't make assumptions.

  • If I were him, I'd have let you go. You'd basically already left rather than tried to engage with him like an adult, discuss what the issues were and work out what the solutions were. What kind of message does that send about how you will respond to any kind of difficulties within marriage?

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    • We talked about it for two years. What kind of message does that send to you? That I was trying to discuss his issues with commitment and he refused to? Just saying.

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    • @GontierVI we had a huge argument prior where I did tell him that I was done. And he said if I really meant that to go then. But I think he said it out of anger.

    • Okay, that's much better. From the original post it seems like you just left without saying anything. I'm sure he did just say that out of anger, by the way. If you want to salvage the relationship, I would suggest talking to him, seeing how he feels about everything, what his hangup with marriage is etc. If you don't want to save it, just move on, you don't owe him anything more than an explanation as to why you're leaving. My only problem was with the way I interpreted you moving out, but if you did tell him before you left then you're fine.

  • holy shit some of these comments on this are too much.. show some respect at least guys..

    needing time is okay. but really you need to work on it. see what's the reasons why he feels uneven about marriage now. The poor soul is probably feeling hurt and alone. by all means talk to him. even if it never leaves the talking stage, just talk.

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    • Thank you for being a respectful man. people make mistakes and they ultimately pay for them somehow, this poor woman felt alone and didn't know what else to do so she left, does she regret it. yes probably but the man she has spent 7yearss with is just as much to blame for the situation. they need to talk and see if they can work things out. some of you men really should take a look at how you speak and think. Would you want someone to do that to your daughter?

  • what is with you bastards and always about marriage it does fuck all for us you know? it's actually a gamble we bet half our shit and what ever kids that you won't ever leave us you put nothing on the table to bet yourselves.

    also, my parents waited 15 fucking years before getting married there is no time slot on when you have to if you're only with a guy so he will pop a ring on your finger and fill you with children then you're doing it wrong.

    Again men get fuck all out of marriage. nothing. no real benefit to it at all. the few stupid fucks that still give into it do it for you the women.

    if i were you i would leave the bloke so he does not have to put up with bullshit like this poor bastard

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    • There's no time slot for marriage. But I WANT KIDS. Which there is a time slot for.

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    • And it's ZETA by the way ;-)

  • Don't move back unless it's after the honeymoon.

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    • Lol. That's actually a pretty good idea.

  • Dont move to your friend's. You are putting pressure on him by doing that and as a result he may marry you just because he was under the pressure of you leaving him. You guys have to discuss that shit. You can run from it but sooner or later you have to face it so get it done already. See what he wants, what his points are, why he doesn't want to marry you etc.

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  • You pushed the situation to where it is now. It's up to you to fix it.
    Emotional blackmail is despicable.

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    • I'm not being blackmailing anyone. We both want different things so I left.

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    • "I know what i did was immature"

    • Lol. Is that's all you've got to say? I felt immature because I felt guilty for not being okay with him changing his mind out of nowhere. ME lashing out was immature. Not me leaving.

  • is not immature from you. u did right. he is just a pussy. u need to understand if u marry a pussy. why the fuck he is with you 7 years if he dont have sure that want to marry u? dont be afraid to leave him if he dont show the commitment that you deserve.

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    • She didn't show a whole lot of commitment by just bailing without talking to him first. It's a pretty cowardly thing to do.

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    • Okay, fuck this dude then. If he really did that, then just leave him. I would say though that he might not have meant "if you don't like it, then leave", since he could've easily said that out of anger. If you do talk things out with the guy and he says anything less than "let's get married asap" I'd leave him. If all he's giving you is wishy washy, noncommittal answers, just leave.

    • After getting more details, it seems like you've tried more than I originally thought. If you don't think he's committed, just leave him, stop wasting your time.

  • I think you're just making the problem a lot bigger for no real reason. I would suggest just getting back in contact with him and just talk it out. Just dont leave and everything for no real reason.

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  • I know love has no age limit... but starting family does... so if you both are not on the same page... its not worth it..

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  • Did you guys ever have a real conversation about this? Because it doesn't sound like it. Just talk to him about what you both want in life, and if your views/plans don't match up, leave him. If they do, stay. Don't make a decision until you know what he wants, because it doesn't sound like you really do.

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    • Yeah. Two years worth of conversations

  • just tell him how you feel and why you took the route you did. explain that you need to figure things out. also calmly find out why his opinion is what it is and how he thinks your relationship should progress. where does he believe its going? get as much of what he thinks then take the time to process it and make a decision about what you want and where you want to go.

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  • instead of communication, it seems you pissed all over any plans either of you had. 7 years? seems about the stop line for everything, shot yourself in the foot.

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    • We talked and talked about it for two years.

  • go back to home

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  • just go back... if you over think things... the second thought is the worst... trust me I know

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  • I think he love another girl and can't to tell u

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  • Look, you guys have problems, and you acted immaturely, so stop it now. You two should see a relationship counsellor and work through this, otherwise you'll dig yourself into a hole you can't get out of and you'll have wasted 7 years of your life.

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  • You should have confronted him about it and not left like that. Now he will always be insecure in the relationship and think you could just suddenly leave him.

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  • Meet him, talk to him
    You love each other.
    Love ends up with marriage eventually

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What Girls Said 12

  • You seem to be in a tough position. I think packing and leaving gave him a wake up call. Hopefully its enough to make him realize that you need the relationship to progress to the next level. I guess you have to say to him I left because I wanted... and nothing happened or changed and I seen our relationship in a bad place. Talk to him tell him what you want. Let him know how much his decisions or lack of decisions hurt you. Commuication is key any relationship. Without it your doomed. If you love him and want to try and work things out start slowly, go on dates see if you can rekindle the things that made you fall in love. thank you for saying this because I am going to take my own advice and do the same. I am going to make sure the person I love knows it whether he wants to hear it or not or acknowledge it or not. Just gonna jump in and take a chance. I hope this helps you

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  • I have been here. Except I waited around longer, to the point where it's too late for me to meet someone new and consider having a family. Women have a small window to start a family, and if it's something you want, you can't wait forever for a man to make up his mind, if he wants to commit to you.

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  • I'm sorry you're going through all this.. if you don't say anything and go back.. you'll stay where you are.. not moving towards where you wanna see him and yourself in future. .. but if you say something like giving him an ultimatum.. that's wrong too.. he should be marrying you because he wants to.. not because he was pushed into it.. so in my opinion don't go back,.. take some time.. meet him after a week or so when you're both not too emotional and tell him all this.. tell him that you don't wanna force him into doing something because you both will end up regretting it.. just take a break for some time.. and see what happens.. see other people.. just for fun.. spend time with friends and family.. and if you don't feel like he's ever gonna give you what you want.. then break it off..

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  • Stay away for whatever time you need. It is your life and future we are talking about. If he has a problem, it is his problem. Do NOT give in to emotional blackmail.

    Give yourself time to work out what you want. It probably will not happen in a day or two. It may take some time. Once you have decided, then you can start to put it into action.

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  • This is a hard one. It is so important that topics like this comes before a relationship, so this won't happen. I don't know what tips I can give you. If I was you I would probably google it on forums (other women with this problem), cause it is truly complicated.

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  • I think what you did was just fine, sometimes people have to see you're serious before they'll see the light. You should ask him if you come back, what will change?

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  • You want marriage but he doesn't. I personally don't understand why couples stay together without getting married. No point. Tell him how you feel.

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  • Give him a choice either get married or separate maybe he's just scared

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    • Maybe by u taking to long and just talking about it for 2 years u scared him maybe he thinks u didn't really want to by just talking about it for 2 years instead of doing it

  • He obviously loves you. Marriage is scary though. Discuss this without pressure. Perhaps he is just not ready for it yet. You don't wanna have him marry you just to please you. Talk openly. See your options.

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  • that happenss when young kids date with immaturity and thinking with the head below. you wasted your whole youth and worth on a man who doesn't even wanna marry you after all these years. and thats what happens when people dont intelligently match up with someone, knowing they agree on the fundamentals of life.

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  • He wants something different than you do. He is not the only man out there for you. Meet a new guy who shares your vision of the future.

    7 years is plenty long enough for him to get ok with getting married. He isn't.

    End it.

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  • I don't think it's fixable

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