So I met him back when we were 10 years old. He moved next door, but didn't become friends until we were 14. From then on, we were best friends.
We started dating when we were 21. We're 28 now, live together, both have a career and we're pretty well off. I mentioned marriage about two years ago. And he was all for it. We talked and talked about it endlessly and he said he wanted to. But I eventually got tired of waiting and he's now saying he doesn't know. If you're with someone for 7 years, how do you not know?
(Btw. I never have him an ultimatum)
it turned into an argument and besides sleeping in the same bed, I've been basically avoiding him. I wake up earlier, take off to work, and later in the evening made plans with friends and would go to sleep after he's asleep. He called me out on it yesterday and told me he was tired of it and didn't want to play games. And then started pointing out all the bad stuff he doesn't like about me.
So, yesterday, while he was at work, and it was my day off, I packed up all my stuff and left. I'm staying at a friend's. My plan was to go apartment shopping but he has filled my voicemail with messages of him crying. Begging me to come back. As well as texts.
But if i go back, I'm right back where I started; wanting to get married (and having kids down the line) and not getting it from him. But it's also painful letting him go. I need time to think but will he be okay with me needing time? I don't know what to do. I know what I did was immature. I was just extremely hurt. And now I need advice? Anyone have any experience with this? At this point, did I make the right choice for me or not?
Most Helpful Guy
You two disagree about important fundamental issues. This shouldn't be about pointing fingers. It's not about who's right and who's wrong. You want to get married, he doesn't. You want kids, he doesn't. Neither of you are right or wrong, just differences in what you want.
It's something you just have to think about and decide what you want. He has to decide the same thing. If you can't find common ground on this, you have to decide what's more important. You might not like either option, but if there is no common ground, then you can't have both.
If he marries you, just to stay with you, but his heart isn't really into marriage, is that what you want? Is that a good basis for a healthy marriage?
With kids, it's even more important that he really wants them, and not just because you want them but he doesn't.
If I take what you said literally, he didn't say he didn't want to get married. He said he wasn't sure. Having doubts is common, even normal. It's really a matter of how serious those doubts are, and the reason (if he even knows, which he might not).
Aside from all that, it sounds like it's gone pretty far in a bad direction now. It's going to be harder to resolve if it can be resolved at all.
You said he was pointing out all the bad things he doesn't like about you. In the heat of an argument, that doesn't mean a lot. Everyone has things they don't like about their partner. But it's possible those things are really making him doubt if he wants to get married.
Neither of you can have it both ways. You both have to decide. You both have to weigh your emotions against a more rational view. You need more than emotional love.5
Most Helpful Girl
I'm in two minds.
You didn't issue your ultimatum which is a huge mistake. Ultimatums have such a negative connotation but as long as you're following through with what you're saying it's basically just stating your end point. It's not forcing them to do what you want, it's forcing them to decide what's important and possible.
You've been talking about it for two years but haven't set timelines or the priority for the relationship to continue. He can't know when your limit is without that if all you've ever done is talk about it. Then you left him without discussing it which is just horrible.
On the other, he hasn't taken your wishes and needs seriously nor communicated his own and where he stands on it. You're completely within your rights to want what you want and if he can't/won't work with you there is no point in staying.2