We started dating when we were 21. We're 28 now, live together, both have a career and we're pretty well off. I mentioned marriage about two years ago. And he was all for it. We talked and talked about it endlessly and he said he wanted to. But I eventually got tired of waiting and he's now saying he doesn't know. If you're with someone for 7 years, how do you not know?
(Btw. I never have him an ultimatum)
it turned into an argument and besides sleeping in the same bed, I've been basically avoiding him. I wake up earlier, take off to work, and later in the evening made plans with friends and would go to sleep after he's asleep. He called me out on it yesterday and told me he was tired of it and didn't want to play games. And then started pointing out all the bad stuff he doesn't like about me.
So, yesterday, while he was at work, and it was my day off, I packed up all my stuff and left. I'm staying at a friend's. My plan was to go apartment shopping but he has filled my voicemail with messages of him crying. Begging me to come back. As well as texts.
But if i go back, I'm right back where I started; wanting to get married (and having kids down the line) and not getting it from him. But it's also painful letting him go. I need time to think but will he be okay with me needing time? I don't know what to do. I know what I did was immature. I was just extremely hurt. And now I need advice? Anyone have any experience with this? At this point, did I make the right choice for me or not?
Most Helpful Guy
And this is why you're still not married. YOU ARE still not ready.
You don't get what you want so you punish = fail
You avoid = fail
You argue = fail
You shacked up instead of getting married in the first place = fail
What a cryin' shame. And what a fucked up mess. I really feel bad for you, this should NEVER have happened. You took a really good thing, a loving relationship, two successful people, and just blew it up. Just fantastic.
I'd tell you to piss up a rope. Get your shit and get out.5
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Most Helpful Girl
I'm in two minds.
You didn't issue your ultimatum which is a huge mistake. Ultimatums have such a negative connotation but as long as you're following through with what you're saying it's basically just stating your end point. It's not forcing them to do what you want, it's forcing them to decide what's important and possible.
You've been talking about it for two years but haven't set timelines or the priority for the relationship to continue. He can't know when your limit is without that if all you've ever done is talk about it. Then you left him without discussing it which is just horrible.
On the other, he hasn't taken your wishes and needs seriously nor communicated his own and where he stands on it. You're completely within your rights to want what you want and if he can't/won't work with you there is no point in staying.2