My boyfriend didn't wanna marry me, I did something awful. How can I fix this?

So I met him back when we were 10 years old. He moved next door, but didn't become friends until we were 14. From then on, we were best friends.

We started dating when we were 21. We're 28 now, live together, both have a career and we're pretty well off. I mentioned marriage about two years ago. And he was all for it. We talked and talked about it endlessly and he said he wanted to. But I eventually got tired of waiting and he's now saying he doesn't know. If you're with someone for 7 years, how do you not know?
(Btw. I never have him an ultimatum)
it turned into an argument and besides sleeping in the same bed, I've been basically avoiding him. I wake up earlier, take off to work, and later in the evening made plans with friends and would go to sleep after he's asleep. He called me out on it yesterday and told me he was tired of it and didn't want to play games. And then started pointing out all the bad stuff he doesn't like about me.

So, yesterday, while he was at work, and it was my day off, I packed up all my stuff and left. I'm staying at a friend's. My plan was to go apartment shopping but he has filled my voicemail with messages of him crying. Begging me to come back. As well as texts.

But if i go back, I'm right back where I started; wanting to get married (and having kids down the line) and not getting it from him. But it's also painful letting him go. I need time to think but will he be okay with me needing time? I don't know what to do. I know what I did was immature. I was just extremely hurt. And now I need advice? Anyone have any experience with this? At this point, did I make the right choice for me or not?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • And this is why you're still not married. YOU ARE still not ready.

    You don't get what you want so you punish = fail
    You avoid = fail
    You argue = fail
    You shacked up instead of getting married in the first place = fail

    What a cryin' shame. And what a fucked up mess. I really feel bad for you, this should NEVER have happened. You took a really good thing, a loving relationship, two successful people, and just blew it up. Just fantastic.

    I'd tell you to piss up a rope. Get your shit and get out.

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • I left because I was the only one TRYING. A relationship is a two way street here. I make a majority of the income between me and him. I cleaned up the apartment, did the cooking, did the laundry, etc. all while working 60 hours a week vs his 40. And STILL tried talking to him about his qualms about marriage and HE shut himself off. I tried for two years to talk to him about it. So don't talk about failure to me.

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    • *... mouth...

      That's all you get. There's nothing more here. :)

    • I apparently can't keep a man but you obviously couldn't keep your first wife happy.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm in two minds.
    You didn't issue your ultimatum which is a huge mistake. Ultimatums have such a negative connotation but as long as you're following through with what you're saying it's basically just stating your end point. It's not forcing them to do what you want, it's forcing them to decide what's important and possible.
    You've been talking about it for two years but haven't set timelines or the priority for the relationship to continue. He can't know when your limit is without that if all you've ever done is talk about it. Then you left him without discussing it which is just horrible.

    On the other, he hasn't taken your wishes and needs seriously nor communicated his own and where he stands on it. You're completely within your rights to want what you want and if he can't/won't work with you there is no point in staying.

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • after "talk and talk" for 7 years, i am sure the they passed the ending point. if he doesn't underatand that, it is because he didn't care enough. i dont it is necessary ultimatum here. it pretty clear what she wanted and he wasn't negleted that.

    • @alexandremp people talk about things all the time, without a "due" date it's just talk. How many kids we'll have doesn't mean anything until we have the discussion about WHEN it's happening. Talking and dreaming about building our final home is just talk until we make the plan and set the date we want to have it done by.
      To him the marriage talk could be the same thing, issuing the ultimatum isn't about forcing him. It's about making it clear her needs are genuine and they need action now. Communicating and understanding when our partner is being serious instead of making conversation and dreaming of the future is important

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What Guys Said 20

  • You two disagree about important fundamental issues. This shouldn't be about pointing fingers. It's not about who's right and who's wrong. You want to get married, he doesn't. You want kids, he doesn't. Neither of you are right or wrong, just differences in what you want.

    It's something you just have to think about and decide what you want. He has to decide the same thing. If you can't find common ground on this, you have to decide what's more important. You might not like either option, but if there is no common ground, then you can't have both.

    If he marries you, just to stay with you, but his heart isn't really into marriage, is that what you want? Is that a good basis for a healthy marriage?

    With kids, it's even more important that he really wants them, and not just because you want them but he doesn't.

    If I take what you said literally, he didn't say he didn't want to get married. He said he wasn't sure. Having doubts is common, even normal. It's really a matter of how serious those doubts are, and the reason (if he even knows, which he might not).

    Aside from all that, it sounds like it's gone pretty far in a bad direction now. It's going to be harder to resolve if it can be resolved at all.

    You said he was pointing out all the bad things he doesn't like about you. In the heat of an argument, that doesn't mean a lot. Everyone has things they don't like about their partner. But it's possible those things are really making him doubt if he wants to get married.

    Neither of you can have it both ways. You both have to decide. You both have to weigh your emotions against a more rational view. You need more than emotional love.

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  • If I were him, I'd have let you go. You'd basically already left rather than tried to engage with him like an adult, discuss what the issues were and work out what the solutions were. What kind of message does that send about how you will respond to any kind of difficulties within marriage?

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    • We talked about it for two years. What kind of message does that send to you? That I was trying to discuss his issues with commitment and he refused to? Just saying.

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    • @GontierVI we had a huge argument prior where I did tell him that I was done. And he said if I really meant that to go then. But I think he said it out of anger.

    • Okay, that's much better. From the original post it seems like you just left without saying anything. I'm sure he did just say that out of anger, by the way. If you want to salvage the relationship, I would suggest talking to him, seeing how he feels about everything, what his hangup with marriage is etc. If you don't want to save it, just move on, you don't owe him anything more than an explanation as to why you're leaving. My only problem was with the way I interpreted you moving out, but if you did tell him before you left then you're fine.

  • holy shit some of these comments on this are too much.. show some respect at least guys..

    needing time is okay. but really you need to work on it. see what's the reasons why he feels uneven about marriage now. The poor soul is probably feeling hurt and alone. by all means talk to him. even if it never leaves the talking stage, just talk.

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    • Thank you for being a respectful man. people make mistakes and they ultimately pay for them somehow, this poor woman felt alone and didn't know what else to do so she left, does she regret it. yes probably but the man she has spent 7yearss with is just as much to blame for the situation. they need to talk and see if they can work things out. some of you men really should take a look at how you speak and think. Would you want someone to do that to your daughter?

  • Millennials. *rolls eyes*

    You say you're 28, why are you in the 18-24 range? That doesn't really matter at all, but...

    The time to talk this over was long before this point. Yes, you acted like a little kid. I'm gonna pick up my toys and play somewhere else. What you needed to do was put the big girl panties on and sit down and say to him "What's stopping you? What's holding you back, and what can we work on to get on the same page?"

    Because as sure as not, there's issues that are bothering him. There's only one way to find those out. You ran. That cost you credibility, but the fact he misses you is an opportunity. One that, if you don't want to have wasted 7 years of your life, I suggest you take. And take it seriously.

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    • Who says I didn't talk to him about it? He shut himself off from me. I tried talking to him about it for two years. How about read before making assumptions? Geez. At least my generation doesn't make assumptions.

  • You pushed the situation to where it is now. It's up to you to fix it.
    Emotional blackmail is despicable.

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    • I'm not being blackmailing anyone. We both want different things so I left.

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    • "I know what i did was immature"

    • Lol. Is that's all you've got to say? I felt immature because I felt guilty for not being okay with him changing his mind out of nowhere. ME lashing out was immature. Not me leaving.

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What Girls Said 12

  • I have been here. Except I waited around longer, to the point where it's too late for me to meet someone new and consider having a family. Women have a small window to start a family, and if it's something you want, you can't wait forever for a man to make up his mind, if he wants to commit to you.

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  • Stay away for whatever time you need. It is your life and future we are talking about. If he has a problem, it is his problem. Do NOT give in to emotional blackmail.

    Give yourself time to work out what you want. It probably will not happen in a day or two. It may take some time. Once you have decided, then you can start to put it into action.

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  • This is a hard one. It is so important that topics like this comes before a relationship, so this won't happen. I don't know what tips I can give you. If I was you I would probably google it on forums (other women with this problem), cause it is truly complicated.

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  • You seem to be in a tough position. I think packing and leaving gave him a wake up call. Hopefully its enough to make him realize that you need the relationship to progress to the next level. I guess you have to say to him I left because I wanted... and nothing happened or changed and I seen our relationship in a bad place. Talk to him tell him what you want. Let him know how much his decisions or lack of decisions hurt you. Commuication is key any relationship. Without it your doomed. If you love him and want to try and work things out start slowly, go on dates see if you can rekindle the things that made you fall in love. thank you for saying this because I am going to take my own advice and do the same. I am going to make sure the person I love knows it whether he wants to hear it or not or acknowledge it or not. Just gonna jump in and take a chance. I hope this helps you

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  • He obviously loves you. Marriage is scary though. Discuss this without pressure. Perhaps he is just not ready for it yet. You don't wanna have him marry you just to please you. Talk openly. See your options.

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