I left my husband while he had cancer and I can't shake the feeling of guilt. What can I do? Am I an awful person?

We got married young at 20. I'm 23 now. About a year ago, I started getting a gut feeling that he was cheating. It wasn't up until about four months ago that he came out after being out all night, and had three hickies (idk how to spell it) on his neck. He admitted to having an affair with THREE different women. He begged me not to go and I already had one foot out the door once he admitted to the cheating. But a week later, he went for an annual check up with his doctor (his job requires it). And he got some irregular results back. The next thing I know, he's diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer. He started chemo recently and just looks worse and worse. But I was still angry about what he did and left. It's been a couple weeks since I've left and I started having anxiety attacks. Worried if he's okay and how he's doing. I feel awful for leaving. But I'm not sure if I can go back? Am I an awful person? How do I make this right?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Just because you have cancer does not suddenly make you a good person. You left for a very good reason, you have NO reason to feel guilty. Maybe text him every once and awhile and ask him how his treatments are going and that might help your guilt, but only do it if you want to.

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What Guys Said 19

  • He cheated on you.. I would usually say to leave. ALWAYS.
    This situation seems different though. He probably has one else left who will want to be with him because of his cancer. I can't even imagine what he is feeling. You being with him would probably make him feel better and he might regret sleeping with those women. It's your choice really. This situation is unique

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  • It's unfortunate his condition, but it's a separate issue and NO reason for you to feel guilty about. You didn't cause it, or have any control over it. What is going back to him going to do? He'll still be the same person that cheated on you. You feel bad for him, as anyone would, but that's no reason to go bad to a "bad" relationship or an unhappy one.

    Like @obiwansmistress said, "Just because you have cancer does not suddenly make you a good person."

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  • The right thing to do is pay him a visit every now and then... for old times sake and nothing more.. if he is dying try to forgive him and move on...

    Give your heart the chance to forget the pain and give his heart the time to regret and ask for forgiveness.

    Death is harsh and painful, I've seen many people i cared about die from various reasons. Some of them were my brothers in arms.. others were family members.

    And believe no matter how strong you are you will cry,, you will regret not forgiving them or ask for their forgiveness.

    After all we are humans and we are full mistakes.

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  • They always say two wrongs don't make a right but that is not reality. You feel guilty for leaving because of his cancer or you can think about about karma and he cheated on you and for that he got cancer. I think you need to go see him and get closure.

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  • No you're not awful you're just being humanitarian. Humanity spoke within you. The fact that you left him is clear and shouldn't be reconsidered. The dude cheated on you seriously and that has nothing to do with his cancer so don't blend things. You did right and you felt right !

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  • Your reaction is perfectly normal. A man who took vows with you, didn't keep them. I would call it instant karma.. of what he did to you thinking he's in good health. Why are u so perturbed about what he suffers for his karma? . You left him cos that's the only language men understand, good u did that. Why on earth are u so perturbed about your correct decision. for once , keep your devotion and loyalty to your hubby aside! Had he not been diagnosed with cancer, which isn't cos of u anyways, would he have changed his ways? Probably not! , It's his medical condition that hinders him from cheating you again, not his free will. Just an opinion. I am a man too. If your hubby didn't care about your feelings when he was in an affair, i don't think you should even think about his well being now. Any relationship, should deserve mutual respect and trust. Just an opinion!

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  • You have to come to the realization, that one way or the other, you will have to move on and find a new guy. You can be gracious about it and see him in the hospital before he dies so he can make peace with himself.

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  • "In sickness or in health."

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    • He broke his vows before I did.

  • did the right thing, cheating bastard. dont feel a tiny bit guilty. and you are probably dodging a bullet not haveing to see him go out with cancer, trust me that turns ugly near the end.

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  • You left for a good reason. No need to feel guilty about it. But if I was you, i would still be in contact with him on a friendly basis since he has no much time left. Send a text from time to time to see if he's ok.

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  • No you're not awful, he cheated and got hit by karma. Don't go back to his cheating arse.

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  • Come on. That stupid cheat you and you feel guilty? For what reason. Probably he was taking advantage of his cancer to make you feel guilty. Don't fall in this trap

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  • Just be there for him. you don't have to "take him back" but he will appreciate your presence!

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  • you're not terrible... he wasn't thinking bout u when he was cheating... so why should u. Now that he is sick... he wants u... very selfish that guy. Up to you though.

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  • He cheated who the fuck cares

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  • No..

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  • He cheated so it isn't your fault at all for leaving. He will likely die regardless of treatment so if you do want to spend time with him you probably have 6 months to a year. Even if they recover it usually relapses within a year or less. My dad dies from that kind of cancer. It is a very shitty thing to watch.
    Still though you shouldn't feel guilty since he did cheat.

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  • Yeah, you're a terrible person. I'd say you should go back, but you'd likely go back... on your word, wasn't there something about sickness and health?

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    • Leaving him should've been done the week before, not after. Now it appears you just used it as an excuse, 'cos you didn't wanna be there for him.

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    • Also who said I decieded to leave UNTIL he got sick? I had already decieded to leave when I found out he cheated. Just didn't have the money at the time to move out

    • And why didn't you think any of this would've been relevant in a post where you asked if you were an awful person? Telling him what you were going to do changes the entire context of what went down, it sounded otherwise.

  • He shouldn't have cheated but it doesn't matter anymore he'll be dead soon anyway.

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What Girls Said 5

  • I understand why you had to leave. Yes you can still go back because you are not an awful person and you are still his wife. You have compassion in your heart and for you to be feeling bad about his situation says a lot about your character as a person.

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  • You had every right to leave after what he did, for me personally though if he was someone I even kind of cared about I still would have offered support and swallowed my pride. As a friend and tender soul though, not as a lover.

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  • No you're not awful. You were dealt an awful hand. Going back won't help you feel any better. You need to heal your heart now. Visiting him would be a good idea. Don't forget you've done nothing wrong.

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  • Just forget about him

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  • you are awful, what happened to your promise to be tohether in good n bd

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