Broke up and now I feel like absolute shit?

We were together for 1.5 years. we're both 21. She was my first serious relationship. She is a jaw-droppingly beautiful, tall, green eyed and fitness woman, it was love at first sight for both of us. But we had many differences, which lead to a lot of doubts on my end. The feeling of "is this it?" ate me alive. We were uncompatible in bed, she used to force herself to have sex with me, but she had a very low sex drive. The annoying rule of no oralsex got me very frustrated. She refused to do it and got mad eveytime i mentioned it. She had a very bad temper and almost zero patience, she has OCD and i'm not a clean person in any way. We had different life and relationship goals. She was very jealous, insecure and my family didn't like her.

On the other hand, she truly loved me, she did anything to spend time together. She was innocent, and naive at times, and i loved taking care of her. I knew she was pure from the time i met her. we did everything for each other. She was often cold towards me, but i knew she loved me, but had a hard time processing and showing emotions (she had a rough childhood). Approximatley 8 months ago i started doubting my love for her. She got too clingy and i started to not feel the desire to be with her, even after spending a whole week without seeing eachother. I felt extremley guilty for having this feeling, at times i couldn't even think about her without having this crippling anexiety. I started feeling like shit, but tried to mask it and acted as if everything was fine. I did my best to stay, reading about relationships and about the time the "spark" wears off. But nothing helped. we started arguing more often. And i had the feeling that i wanted it to end. I didn't know why.

Updates:
i looked at her and she was still as beatiful, as innocent and cold as she's always been. Everytime we spent time together i wished i could be somewhere else. but the feeling of care towards her didn't stop. i loved her with the puppy-love parents have for their kids. i kissed her endlessly and promised myself i wouldn't let myself end it before i figure out what was wrong with me.
Then, i started checking out other girls, flirting unconciously and the feeling of guilt escalated tremendously. I then decided it should end. I broke up with her 2 days ago because the relationship was unfair to her and myself. Our arguments looked the same thoughout the months without improvement. now that it ended, i feel like i've made a big mistake. I want to be there for her, hug her, kiss her endlessly and tell her everythings gonna be okay, but i dont want to spend the night. Help me.

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What Girls Said 1

  • It sounds like you have done the best for both your sakes. Sometimes it feels like the wrong decision , but if it's only been two days. You are just missing the company, move on , go out and flirt :) whatever comes naturally and feels right, sometimes realizing a relationship is toxic is the hardest thing. It takes a lot of thought to see it and come to realization that it is unhealthy

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What Guys Said 2

  • Your intro was a very balanced and descriptive account of a dying relationship, and very interesting.
    It's very sad, you must have very mixed feelings, but it sounds like you made the right decisions for the right reasons. Good for you even if it doesn't feel like it now.
    These things get easier with time but you may always look upon her fondly

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  • You're both better off. Incompatible sex drives, coldness, that really wears you down over the years, and of course it gets worse not better.

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