Save my marriage and help my understanding please?

This would be a more mature question, probably more relevant in therapy but I would love to hear from you. I sincerely and deeply love my wife, we have been married for close to 5years and have the MOST amazing daughter of 4. She was conceived shortly after we were engaged and although we consciously fell pregnant this event has naturally changed our lives/ relationship quite dramatically.
Ultimately we were financially ill prepared and since then I have honestly struggled to find a sufficiently lucrative enough job to sustain a amazing lifestyle but I did work for a very selfish boss until my wife demanded me to resign. We have never been without food or accommodation or even 1 or 2 luxurious but I did work incessantly for 8 months in trying to improve our financial standing which made her feel I was unavailable.
Currently we have sex every 3-4 months and she seems apathetic to anything more than this and scolds me for wanting more and believing that intimacy could improve our marriage. My question:
Am I wrong for expecting more? How would I know if she has truly given up but is to affraid to admit this due to a fear of being alone and ultimately pays me lip service with a "I love you"?


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What Girls Said 2

  • I think she has lost passionate feelings for you. What could be the reason for that? You would be better able to tell whether she has lost all interest in you or it is just a phase. Why don’t u sit and ask her directly without mincing words. Maybe go for counselling?

    • And no , you are not wrong in expecting more. Sex every 3-4 months? That’s too less for a healthy relationship

    • Thank you for your reply. I fear the same which is complicating things at times, especially due to my reactions when fearing this. I have however tried everything from being understanding and honestly listening and discussing things calmly to being angry and ridiculous by jumping up and down like a kid out of hopelesness. I am only asking because I have made / started making changes with the results even being confirmed by others but each time I set an ultimatum she promises to make changes and vows to be different and brake down her walls so to speak. She cuddles and tells me she loves me but I can almost see the distance between us growing still. I have read hours on therapy sites I have tried suggesting kinky alternatives and arranged weekends away (trip away worked) but could she honestly have zero-to little sex drive due to any other reasons? Do woman sometimes feel this way or is her apathy on this the answer I want to ignore?

    • I really don’t know. It’s only your wife who can tell you what’s in her mind. Sometimes people lose passion in a marriage esp after the birth of a child. Even I was married and I lost interest in my husband. I used to avoid sex like crazy and only sometimes used to give in just to please him. I used to make it happen as fast as possible and then get dressed up so that he wouldn’t ask for a second round. I don’t know if that’s her case or it’s something different. Only a counsellor can help

  • Well you shouldn’t like “expect” sex but yeah that definitely is a low amount for a marriage
    I think you should try a different approach

    Maybe instead of discussing more just let things happen naturally
    Because she may see your asking in a different way
    Like if you act like your desperate or demanding sex that’s a huge turn off and only makes things worse
    Just try being more romantic more often
    Or just ask her
    Don’t use the word
    Expect though
    It sounds like she is a sex slave serving needs
    Just don’t say you want “sex”
    Like tell her you want to be closer with her and showing your feelings and having more intimacy with her
    Not just sex

    If you want you can ask if she has lost her romantic feelings or if she has no desire for intimacy
    You can ask that

    Also don’t make sex a solution make it a step closer into the right direction
    Sex and intimacy doesn’t fix a relationship it brings the two people closer and helps strengthen the relationship not rebuild it

    • I poorly did expect this at one stage but was one of the many lessons learned, our current living arrangements is not conducive for sex and I have made many mistakes but thank you for confirming. I am dreading to opt for counselling when our ship might have sank already and we then carry on aboard a ghost ship and ultimately miss both the happiness life can bring us independently.

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