How does a divorce affect kids? Should you stay together for the kids?

So if you realize things are not going to work out between your marriage but have kids under the age of 10 should you try to work it out for the sake of not having to bounce the kids around back and forth to share custody? Do kids adjust? Some dont? Whats your advice on this.. would you try and work it out. any experience on this


0|0
1114

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 14

  • Yes you should stay together. That's quite literally what marriage is for, its not for you its for your children. We know how damaging divorce is for children, it increases their likelihood of developing depression, suicide, substance abuse, academic failure, increased risk of criminality, divorce (because you showed them it was okay to just give up at the first sign of discomfort) which of course just ensures the next generation is equally damaged as the last. You work it out, its called communication and if you can't communicate with your spouse then one, you shouldn't have married them so that's on you, and two go to a marriage councilor. Your going to argue your going to have moments of lost passion it happens, the goal isn't to immediately give up when you get uncomfortable its to figure out why things are happening and try to fix them. Hell you might find that most of your problems are due to lack of communication, or because of something you did and he is simply responding to it. You talk about it and work things out, don't fuck over your children because you don't want to put in the work for a successful marriage. Its not suppose to be easy, its no different then anything else, its not going to automatically work itself out, its like a job you have to work at it and the more you do the better things get. Its a product of your efforts, minimal effort shit product, maximum effort, great product. Don't hurt your kids by taking the easy way out (plus over half the people who initiate divorce (53% within the first year, over 70% within ten) regret it).

    1|0
    0|0
  • staying together and constantly fighting in front of the kids will harm them more than if u divorced. i felt a very big relief when my parents divorced and it took me a year after they divorced to become socialized again cz i was very antisocial. if the both of u can agree on a safe divorce and a fair custody then i think it would be better for the kids

    1|0
    0|0
  • As a child of divorced parents ( when I was around 12, and my younger brothers between 9 and 11) I can tell you that one of the best decisions my parents did was to split up when they were having troubles (and tried to solve them already) but things hadn't got critical yet. They helped us to understand that their troubles as a couple didn't mean they didn't love us or we were somehow responsibles for their decision, and they kept a healthy relationship afterwards (they still do). On comparison to other friends that had divorced parents who tried to endure their relationship until the last minute possible (increasing the intensity of their fights, and kids do notice), or other ones whose parents are still married but they act almost like they are enemies, I can tell you if you've reached the point where you both have tried everything to fix your marriage and failed, and you realize you just don't work as a couple (not right now at least, maybe in the future you both grow as individuals and try it all over again) one of the most sane things my folks could do was to show us it's better not to struggle or hurt yourself (or others) and keep being friends than to let your couple problems grow bigger and brake your family/kids while you try to convince yourself one of the two can change suddenly for the best.

    My brothers and I adjusted in a few months and afterwards there were no problems whatsoever, in any case our relationship with both my dad and mom improved since we were able to see them whenever we wanted, we saw them WAY relaxed, and the fact that they could (after a while) been able to be in the same room together as old friends, made me feel grateful for their decision while it could have ended as a cheap soap opera.

    Try couple therapy or some distance, or whatever first, but if you've reached the point of no return, is better for the kids not to watch their parents fight (even passive aggressive conducts) because one way or the other, they will feel responsible for it when they're not.

    Hugs from Mexico

    1|0
    0|0
  • Are you two arguing a lot? Kids can sense when their parents aren't getting along. Do you want to teach your kids to stay in a relationship that they aren't happy in? My parents divorced and I'd like to think I'm fine

    1|0
    0|0
  • Then you're an idiot and should never have married that person in the first place.

    1|1
    0|1
  • I stayed married for many years for my kids. They are great kids. I have one in her third year of college and ones a senior. I think it helped them. We always got along but werent very happy. I'm getting divorced now. I couldn't do it anymore. My parents got divorced when I was 17. It didn't affect me too much. Not shure about younger kids.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It would greatly affect your kids on a negative way. I'd do all I could to stay with my wife even if we no longer loved one another until my kids were out if the house. No matter when you divorce it's hard for the kids, but a younger age can be more damaging.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Staying together for the kids will do just as much damage to them and way more damage to yourself. Would you rather live a lie until they move out or learn to make it work with the needed actions

    1|0
    0|0
  • Yes it's important

    1|0
    0|0
  • I would stay together for the children

    0|0
    0|0
  • Keep yo family together tall gone eventually get over the miscommunication but the kids will never get over having to go visit one of there parents... smh I'm fighting for my family now and this shit suck...

    0|0
    0|0
  • It’s better if you can work it out or try to stay till they are older, mine didn’t get affected much since they were 16 when we finally split

    0|0
    0|0
  • Growing up in a divorced family, I can tell you it definitely took a toll on me. I lived with my dad, while my mother ran off and only came to see me and my brother once every few months. This lasted from when I was 10 to about 22 or so.

    While all kids "adjust" to the new family dynamics (they have no choice... they must adjust), the long-term fallout is unpredictable.

    I'm 38 now, and my relationship with my parents is shaky at best. I saw my mom and dad together in the same room for the first time in 15 years at my wedding. It was awkward and I did not want either of them there. I don't have much to talk to with my dad, even though he raised me most of my childhood. The decades of anger and resentment from the divorce has created a barrier between us.

    I also have a newborn daughter who just turned 1 year old. Given my childhood experiences, I neither trust my mother or father to take care of my daughter. To me, they were too irresponsible with their own children (me) and they are not trustworthy to take care of mine.

    To date, I have not left my daughter to be babysat by my own mom or dad, and I never think I will trust them enough to do so... ever.

    Luckily, I was level-headed enough to do well in school despite the family problems. I avoided drugs, avoided getting into trouble and ended up graduating university. Sadly, my wife is a high school teacher, so she sees a lot of unfortunate children belonging to families of divorced couples. Not all fare as well as I did.

    Kids enduring a family divorce can end up screwing up their lives because of it. If your kid ends up addicted to drugs, getting in trouble with the law, getting pregnant... etc, when you think that they'er not the type to do so today... you only have to look in the mirror to see who screwed up the kid's life.

    1|0
    0|0
    • That being said, every divorce is different. If you two are civil with each other and simply fell out of love, I would recommend staying together. If the love is gone, and you two can still stay in the same room and do your own thing, that's good.

      However, if you two are at each other's throat and arguing every waking moment, that too is toxic for a child. He/she may grow up thinking that your dysfunctional relationship is the norm, which can impact their own relationships in the future. If being around your husband creates a horrible home atmosphere, you'll know when your child stops coming home from school, and prefers to hang out at school for extracurricular activities. My wife's school is in a low income area with lots of single moms or angry parents. There's a horde of kids that stay till 9pm at the school, not wanting to go home. It's quite sad.

  • I would say negatively. A toxic home environment also impacts them negatively, so going from that to to healthy homes is a plus. On the other hand if you're getting along okay, it's probably a negative for them.

    Depending on you and your partners work life, your perspective may be different from most men. Most men I know, on top of their kids 'bouncing around' would also expect to only get minimal physical custody. So on top of what's best for the kids, if they want to be in their kids lives daily, they have to stay.

    0|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 11

  • As someone who has 2 miserable parents who cannot divorce due to circumstances (financial reasons, my mom is dependant on my dad), I had to endure endless fights from a young age. Seeing constant verbal abuse, screaming matches, dad threatening to walk out, mom crying I can honestly say I WISH my parents divorced and I even begged my mom at 12 to leave because I can't stand it. I never saw 2 parents in love. I just see fighting unhappiness and 2 people who clearly do not stay together. It is terrible what it does. Even now, home is a place I associate with tension and there is a heavy feeling all the time dreading another fight, another time my mom will cry her eyes out and my dad will scream and storm out. I cannot describe what it does to a child and even now the damage it has done to me as a adult. I have had to go to therapy for it and have to take anxiety medication constantly due to cope.

    1|1
    0|0
  • My parents split up when I was around 2 and a half (they were never married) and it didn't affect me that much. I don't remember anything about it as I was way to young to even understand what was going on. They shared custody and we moved just across the street so my brother and I could see our dad basically whenever we wanted to. I think that it's a good thing that my parents decided to split up as they are inherently uncompatible and life would be a living hell with them fighting all the time.

    1|0
    0|0
  • As a child of divorce, and as a mother who left a relationship with my children's father, I can say leaving an unhealthy relationship is definitely better for your children in the long run. Children will be happier if they know you're happy. Staying with a man solely for your kids will never work out, and they'll sense your unhappiness even if you and your husband never fight in front of them. Children adjust just fine so long as you and their father maintain a civil relationship. Obviously never speak illy of their father in front of them, and never use them as a means of punishing your husband. As long as they feel loved by both parents, they'll grow into healthy young adults. Best of luck!

    0|1
    0|0
  • I think that if the parents don't love each other anymore or can't get along, it's healthier for them and the kids if they divorce and live separately. I mean, what really sounds better -- Listening to your parents fight constantly and know that they hate living together, or simply having two parents independent of each other and visiting them separately, without having to listen to nasty fighting and such? I know what I'd choose. Hell, I still wish my parents would get a divorce because they're so bad for each other and I'm tired of listening to them fight.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Kids would prefer a settled environment were they don't hear their parents scream and shout at each other..
    Never stay because of kids.. for kids to be happy they need their parents to be happy.. whether together or apart, kids do adjust to parents not together anymore..

    0|1
    0|0
  • Don’t stay together for the kids. My parents did.

    I spent my childhood hiding under tables while my mother threw chairs, saucepans, phones, etc at my dad. Windows were frequently broken. I was scared of my dad until I was 8 and violently disliked my mother.

    0|1
    0|0
  • depends on the marriage.
    you could try counseling to see if you can work through the issue.
    it's more important to be happy in life, so work on being happy together.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I personally wish my parents got divorced WAY before they did. I love my brothers but trying to shield them from fighting and negativity got exhausting.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Divorce should never be the answer. Do not marry someone that you cannot commit to for life. You should be getting counseling and couples-counseling. If you have commitment issues or other problems, get counseling and do some soul-searching before entering a marriage... don't be selfish and get married to someone knowing full-well that's you are a fickle flake POS.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I wouldn't stay together because of the kids, you deserve happiness as much as your kids do

    1|0
    0|0
  • Children, remarkably, do not want Mommy and Daddy to hate each other and have that seething anger just under the surface all the time. Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

    Yeah, some kids take divorce hard. Some struggle. But if they get therapy, and the parents remain civil and cooperative with each other, divorce doesn't have to be all that hard on kids. What tends to be the worst is when divorce causes Dad to be less involved and engaged with his kids (Or Mom, if that happens).

    1|0
    0|0
Loading... ;