How long should a wait to date/have sex after an emotionally crippling marriage fails?

I waited 36 years to get married because I wanted to wait for the right one. I thought I found her. Dated for a year and then got married. After almost 2 years she just up and left while I was at work. No explanation or anything. I haven't had any sexual relations with anyone since her, not even gone on a date. I'm at about 15 months right now. Help/suggestions welcome!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • When my marriage ended after 15 years I wanted nothing to do with love. But after 6 months I thought there would nothing wrong with just dating and having fun. I made it clear to anyone I dated that I wasn't looking for a relationship. It was the best thing I could have done. A year and a half later still just dating I met my now fiance. Although I didn't want love the heart wants what it wants no matter how much you fight it. I know heartbreak sucks but you will let yourself love again. I know it's a big risk but think of all the good times you had in love. So she wasn't right for you. But someone is and yoyr heart will know. Until then having some fun and find yourself again.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • It is wrong to ask this opinion for no one can tell how you should feel. It is uniquely for you to know. i always resembled breakups to a form of grief. An emotion that everyone processes differently. When my marriage of nearly 21 years broke up. My first reaction was to run far away. To a place where I was unknown and free from people offering unwanted advice/thoughts.

    As for sex, it depends on the emotions you attach to it. if you are fine with being casual you need to realise you still have needs. as for relationships, be open to them for you do not want to miss a chance for happiness. But be brutally honest with yourself and potential partners. Knowing you cannot love again till your wounds are healed and you love yourself

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    • It's been 13 months since my wife left and 15 since I've had sex. I definitely miss it lol! But I also don't want to deal with more heartache, nor do I have the slightest idea how to approach someone for casual sex... Life, am I right? 😕

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    • Being so far from home, not really anyone to hang out with, it's hard to meet people. It looks like I may have to find another pool team to join! Thanks a million for talking and giving me your 2 cents!

    • You take care and if you need a crutch to lean on feel free to hit me up

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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 5

  • You should wait until you feel ready. It isn't one length of time. You'll know when you are ready again.

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    • I think I am. I'm definitely over the idea of what was. I guess what I was really asking is does a person know when the time is right? Does age play a factor in that answer? Because as much as I'd love to have another relationship, I also don't want to put myself out there again for fear of the cycle repeating itself. Sorry this is so lengthy... I guess I just wanted objective opinions without having to pay a therapist lol

    • No worries at all. I think that's what this place is for.

      I do think a person knows when the time is right, though you will have to push past the fear of another failure, whether that time is now or not.
      Age could be a factor, but I feel like it has more to do with the person as an individual. Younger or older, some people get through crises quicker, and some take more time.
      If you think the time is right, you should move on. I would suggest taking your time with the right person. Maybe be with them for a while without worrying too much about marriage. I've been with my boyfriend with over 5 years. I'd be happy to marry him anytime or I could wait. I feel like it's been long enough to know that he is right for me. For you, now, I'd just take it slower and be more cautious when dating. Protect your heart a little bit, but let yourself get out there and enjoy it.
      I hope that helps some.

    • It does. I thank you very kindly for your encouraging words!

  • You most certainly should wait until marriage again, however, the real question is should you be having sex or dating at ALL in this life? Because many people out here today is just going to use you for sex. And because your emotionally unstable and broken right now, you should go seek counseling instead of worrying about things you can't do nothing about now. And the only way to move on from this is getting help immediately. Because something is very wrong for you to get married to a person who just abandoned you like that. Are there other factors about yourself, your dating life, and the people you encounter that we don't know about? The reason why I ask is because this doesn't make any sense to me.

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  • No one can answer this question but you. Maybe go to some hobby groups or if you are religiously inclined a church. Meet some women and something may happen when you aren't looking for it.

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  • You’re cute. Lots of gals wouldn’t mind helping you get over her.

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    • Thank you! I haven't gotten a compliment in a while.

    • 😘

      Bad relationships can feel crushing, but it’s not the end of your story yet.

  • 15 minutes? 15 hours? 15 days? It's ALL a matter of how you feel and what YOU need. Just be really awesome to whomever your rebound woman or man is. If you're having trouble coping with what happened, you should wait until YOU are ready, and you should seek any therapy or group support you need to cope.

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What Guys Said 14

  • You should wait 0.01 seconds.. Treat yourself to an escort asap, or maybe two or even three.. The wallet is the limit.. Don't dwell on it cuz all you'll do is get lost in your own thoughts.. And you should keep this up untill you no longer feel a single thing for her.. Except maybe sorry for her because she left a legend..

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    • Agreed, especially escorts

    • That's something I've never looked into. I've always been against paying for sex so I'm trying to get in the mindset that I'm paying them to leave lol!

  • I had that happen to me once. I recommend not getting involved with anyone till you’ve completely gone through the grieving process. If you get involved before then it’ll just be a rebound and all those do is delay the grieving process and not last anyway. There’s no set time for the process to finish

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  • They say, "if you have nothing good to say, say nothing," but come on - you build up your hopes and dreams to unreasonable levels, and they fail. That should surprise no one.

    Chill out, get laid, forget the drama. Perfection does not exist in real life.

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  • Why do you think there is a specific time limit that has to elapse before you have sex again? Noone is holding you back but yourself so you should just go for it if you feel like it.

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    • Not that I think there's a specific length of time, per say, but I was asking more about the mental time frame. I appreciate your input, though! Thank you!

    • My field is psychology and as a psychologist I tell you that only you can set that time frame.

  • I went through the same thing and what I can tell you is this please get back on the dating scene as soon as possible it will help with your confidence even if it is just casual you don't want to turn into that creepy old older guy at the bar.
    I'm glad I did help me stay in shape and not be bitter toward women and hey I have actually found someone who seems like she could be the one but taking way slower then befor.

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  • Everyone has their own pace in life and you need to figure that out for yourself. Start out slow if you have to. That sucks man, I hope you find someone worthy of you.

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  • Wait until your not gonna suddenly start thinking about/talking about the ex, but can field any questions without looking like the last dam puppy in the pet shop 😁. Breakups suck and if you really thought she was the one thats gotta be humiliating too. When the times right to go at it again you'll see little signs of greater esteem and confidence in yourself, you'll probably start to feel more outgoing at times. If your not dating by that time kick yourself!

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  • You should not wait at all, the quicker you start getting laid again, the sooner you'll get over her. And if that doesn't convince you, think about this: during these 15 months' you've been celibate, she's been fucking like a rabbit I promise you

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  • You'll know when it's time. I don't think you're there because "emotionally crippling" paints a vivid picture, which means you're still wearing those glasses. It might not hurt to see a professional. You got fucked over and it hurts. It's OK to take time to recover, in fact it's mandatory. You'd be no good for yourself or someone else with that kind of baggage. You'll be OK. Try to remind yourself daily that not all women are like that. In fact, that level of psycho is pretty rare. Lightning probably won't strike twice. Life is full of ups & downs. You've obviously got some big ups coming your way!

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  • Get yourself some pussy as soon as you can. Even if it means going to a prostitute. You need to get some pussy. Your self confidence depends on it.

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  • Well you won't like it 5 yr but you jump right back in

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  • start going on dates or even sites that gurus just want sex. nothing wrong with that.

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  • When it presents itself... lol.

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  • Till you feel right about it no set time frame

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