Suspicions that my boyfriend is cheating - desperate for advice!

Hi everyone, I'm really desperate for advice - any will do! please.. I know this is going to be quite lengthy but thank you to any responders in advance :)

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and I must say our relationship hasn't exactly been smooth sailing. However he is fantastic, he does a lot for me. However, lately I've been growing some suspicions about him cheating, and while deep down I think he isn't someone who will do something like that, I couldn't help but suspect. Some people have told me it's just me being insecure. Last weekend, we went away for a short trip, and I know it's wrong but while he was in the shower I read his text messages. Turns out there were a lot of flirty messages to this one girl who he claims that he is good friends with, and he explained that the messages were only jokingly flirting. The girls boyfriend actually called me to explain that its all jokes. So I accepted that.

Yesterday however, I asked him to show me his phone. After reading those flirty messages before, any traces of trust that I had in him was totally diminished. So I read his messages and found out about another girl that apparently he had a 'thing' for. He even said so in one of his messages to his best friend. My boyfriend denies it however, and when I pointed the message out, he said that it was just joking. I made him call the girl, and she did say that there was nothing going on.

However, what I found the most suspicious was a text from his best friend one night they were out saying 'you know those girls that were next to us in the restaurant? I reckon I could have gotten them to sleep with us'

This makes me wonder, why would his best friend say something like that to my boyfriend when he knew he had me? I know the friend is a bit of a sleaze, but why did he say 'us'? Does my boyfriend do it too?

My boyfriend swears that he has never done anything unfaithful to me but I find it so hard to trust him now. I feel torn between leaving or to give it another go, because I really do care about him.

I tend to over analyse and I have no idea if I am making a correct analysis here or I'm just being paranoid! My boyfriend is the last person I would suspect to be a sleaze, and my friends who know him would agree with me. But then I don't understand why he is acting like this? It's like there's a hidden side that I never knew about! Please, can someone tell me if I'm over-reacting or not?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this and any advice!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • He may be cheating. He may not be. The issue is that you don't trust him anymore, and that may be indicative of the end of the relationship. His friend was just being a guy. Guys say that, even if they don't really plan on it. Boyfriends flirt with other girls sometimes. It doesn't have to go anywhere or mean anything. It sounds like he's at least getting frustrated or bored with you for whatever reason.

    You two need to sit down and talk about what the problems are with your relationship and try your best to solve them. If you don't feel as though you can trust him anymore, then just end it. There is you can do.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • go by your gut instinct, if your heart tells you he is then he probably is. Why put yourself through this? You deserve better and you should be treated and respected more than this. Pick yourself up and put that dude in his place is what I'll say.

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  • You're not overreacting your man is LYING.

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  • your boyfriend wants to cheat on you and sends texts to girls and making it a reality in his head. but he totally would if he was in the situation to cheat on you without anyone knowing.

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What Girls Said 14

  • I think your boyfriend has a fantasy to be with other women BUT won't act on it because he has you OR he's scared some how it would get back to you.

    I've been in a similar situation. This is how I got through it.

    (Yes some of these are lame and shady oh well get over it. If you wanna know the truth this is how I went about it)

    1. Take notes of msgs. Times, Dates, Who, and what was said.

    2. Take notes of his attitude towards you and how often he comes to you for sex in comparison to these msgs.

    3. Make sure you also make small talk with him about random stuff. Ask him how his day was and what he did etc. Jot that down too and correspond it with the other things.

    If he is f***ing around then you will have a lot of things that don't correspond. Most of the time in texts people will say where they are, what they are doing, with who, w/e. Relate that to your conversations and how he acts toward you. Look for the red flags and if you get them repeatedly then confront him.

    If you have no proof then he has simply regained your trust. I'm not saying all out spying on him. Just take notes of the obvious and compare later. Nothing wrong in doing that. Just a gathering of thoughts detective style. I suggest doing this for however long you feel the need. Until you are satisfied that (a) he's not cheating or (b) that bastard is dead. lol

    Oh and as it turns out my guy wasn't cheating he was just bored with our relationship. Then again we have been together for 11 years and we were sucked into the 'rut of life and marriage'. Hope this brings a clearer picture into vision.

    Best wishes.

    ~bnwsmile

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  • I definitely don't think you're over-reacting. Flirting, no matter how innocent it is, has a lot of potential to cause damage and serious harm to a relationship. That's why when you get that feeling in your belly, that instinct that tells you something's wrong, 99.9% of the time you're gonna be right about it. The truth of the matter is, no matter how well you know a guy or how much time you've spent with him over the years, when it comes down to it all of them are pigs. Actually if you do research on the subject men aren't programmed to have one partner. It's an instinct that goes way back to caveman days when their purpose was to sleep with as many females as they possibly could to heighten the population. I'm not making any excuses for him by any means, but that might possibly help you understand this strange behavior. I've been in a similar situation before and your boyfriend will probably try to counter-act this by saying stuff like "you're too jealous" or "too insecure", maybe "you can't take a joke" but really it's a way of taking the pressure off them and making you think you're the one whose doing something wrong when really it's the other way around. What you should do if you're serious about making this work is sitting down with him, having some one-on-one time and telling him how it makes you feel. Don't feel like this is necessary. If he's hurt you beyond repair then there's no reason you should go back to him but if you feel in your heart there's a chance you could get over it it's worth a shot. Men are sometimes strange creatures when it comes to talking about feelings, so try to compare it to something he might understand. If he's a sports fan you could say something like "you know that time when your favorite team was tied with ___ and they lost the game? Remeber how disappointed you were? Well, it's kind of like that" .. Often they have a problem comprehending emotions so you'll need to dumb it down.. Just try to find a way for him to get the point. If he doesn't understand or thinks he's done nothing wrong he's not worth your time! I hope this helped, take care doll.

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  • His friend is a sleaze? Hmmm...don't people usually have things in common with the people they hang with?

    I wouldn't stay with any guy that thought it was OK to flirt with other girls when already in a serious relationship. It's disrespectful to you and shows his lack of commitment.

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  • Speaking from experience, it is quite easy for guys and girls who are friends, even if both are in a relationship with other people, to develop a thing for each other, and because they both have something to lose, they will both cover each others' asses. So of course you can't rely on what the girl(s) says, because she wants to continue doing what she's doing with your boyfriend.

    Trust your gut instinct - 90% of communication is body language, right? You are responding not only to the texts, but to his body language and the way he says things when you confront him. I would be very suspicious and keep a very close watch on him...

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  • I give your boyfriend 100 points for letting you look at his phone and then contact these people. He must really love you. Guys flirt and look. You need to look past this and besides he clearly knows how you feel about this type of behavior now.Everyone has a need for some privacy and you need to respect that. I really don't think based on your evidence you have anything to go on.

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  • I know where you are coming form, and I have been lied to so many times in the past; however you have to analyze the evidence you have. Innocent until proven guilty. Yes you have found text messages flirting with other girls, however that's all you've got as wrong and as hurtful as it ma feel seeing that, it has not proven that he has cheated. If he has cheated, trust me it will come out sooner or later. But don't jump the gun and end things based on assumptions because deep down you will probably regret it because you will never know whether you truly made the right decision. There is nothing wrong with a little flirting here and there. Maybe you haven't sent text messages to another guy, but you can't say you haven't flirted before. Would you want your boyfriend leaving you because you were flirting? It's OK to feel upset or slightly betrayed by these things, but I think you should give it another chance. If you truly find something then HELL YEAH leave him; but if not then don't throw away something that mostly makes you happy.

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  • Just some advice, men or boys ( what ever the maturity level) will always, look and flirt... its their nature and it can't be changed. As for his friend, just because his friend makes comments like that doesn't mean your boyfriend will do it. I do think your looking too hard into this. I completely understand how you feel, but there is something you have to realize, he loves you, he wouldn't have shown you his phone if he didn't which shows he has no intensions of hiding anything from you. by what you are saying I don't think your boyfriend is cheating, he is doing what he says, joking around. And I know that you want to know everything, having him call the girl was a bad move... (things like that will drive him to leave or cheat after sometime)

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    • You're probably right.. it just didn't seem like him to do it, because for the last 2 years that I have known him I always thought he was the conservative type. Doesn't really flirt much (in front of me anyway)..I guess you could say it seemed really out of his character and hence so sus? But anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and respond.. really appreciate it! :)

  • Every guy has a friend or two that does not give a f*** if he's in a relationship or not. These friends will always try to get your guy to cheat on you.

    There's not much you can do about it. If you try to get your boyfriend to stop hanging out with him, your boyfriend will probably call you controlling and hang out with him anyway.

    Flirty text messages are not okay in a relationship.

    You and your boyfriend need to sit down and talk. Tell him if he doesn't stop, you will leave. Try to get him to stop talking to these females in case they're the ones initiating the flirting.

    After you talk to him, watch his behavior. If he doesn't change, leave.

    Also look at his phone without you knowing. If he knows you're looking, he'll hide what he's doing. But if he doesn't think you're looking he won't hide anything.

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  • Your focusing on the text because their tangible and you can immediately take the problem apart but its probably not helping matters. Stop for a moment and take a step back and look at the whole picture. If on the off chance he is cheating , its a symptom not the problem. That however does not make him right by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know if he is cheating or not but if he is you will find out in time tracing his phone records and screening his calls are a bit much,

    About his friend it escapes me why but regardless of age boys will always say stuff like that and not really mean it, also girls often flick on flirt mode when talking or texting boys its probably not serious. If it makes you uncomfortable ask him to tone it down chances are he hasn't even though about it in that way.

    Hope this helps a little a bit of paranoia is healthy but make sure you don't create a problem by reacting to a nonexistent one.

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    • Hmm.. if this is a symptom, then what would you say would be a possible cause?

  • kay so I didn't read the whole thing so if I say something dumb, I'm really sorry. but if you have any suspicions, then I would just tell him and if he gets mad then that's his issue. but honestly, if I were you, I would ask him before jumping to conclusions.

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  • it's not your fault really, I think he wants to cheat on you and he just HASNT DONE IT YET! you better leave your boyfriend because he is not trustworthy. I wouldve gone crazy if I was you. I'm sure you can find a real GOOD guy!

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  • it's not your fault really, I think he wants to cheat on you and he just HASNT DONE IT YET! you better leave your boyfriend because he is not trustworthy. I wouldve gone crazy if you was you. I'm sure you can find a real GOOD guy!

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  • most likely is

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  • OMG. This sounds like something that happened to me a few years ago. . .almost every single detail. . .

    I don't know your boyfriend, obviously, but make sure you don't let anything get by you. . .About a month after I had suspicions, called the girl, etc. . .I found out from a friend who witnessed something & they had been caught in her car in the school parking lot by the police. When I confronted him about that, he knocked me down and got on top of me and put my arms over my head, yelling that I was a bitch who made him do drugs and drink (which, I had given him absolutely everything I had). I fought him back and got a restraining order. . .he cheated several times, found voicemails of him stoned or drunk, telling girls he wanted to f*** them. . .it was oh, so fun. . .just be extra cautious. . .if he startes accusing you of cheating, then you know he is. (apparently, my ex didn't want me to disagree with his drug and drinking habits, and wanted anal sex-which would NEVER happen).

    Guys are pigs, just be careful.

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