What is going on in a guys mind after a break-up?

My boyfriend broke up with me recently after 4 months of dating. We would always fight about the little things. He has since then explained to me that he only dated me because I showed interest in him. He put it as "just going with the flow." He said how he had never liked me as more than a friend but was afraid to break it off and lose my friendship. Right after our break up he wanted to be best friends and go to the movies together. He also told me he loved me. I told him I will talk to him once in a while but eventually we will go our separate ways. He didn't like that and said he would call me frequently. I also told him that I didn't want to talk to him as much so that I could get over him and lose hope of ever getting back together. He told me not to lose hope until I meet someone better than himself. So, after all this babbling, I have no idea what is going on. Any advice or information? It would greatly be appreciated.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I read LuvBiddy's answer and I agree with her. He doesn't have anyone else to hook up with - no prospects. Therefore, he most likely wants to keep you around for a f*ck buddy. Friends with benefits.

    This is sadly the way many people are - they're dependent on someone's company and can't manage to live their life on their own. If he found someone else, he'd drop you quickly and never look back - no phone calls, no more talking, just total silence because he's got a new girl. And if you wanted him badly, such as obssess over him, you'd keep calling him and missing him and wondering why he's such a jerk. It would take you time to get over him, but he'd be well over you easily. Desperation for his attention back.

    Another thing - if you showed the interest while he showed none, then the relationship, in my belief, started wrong. It's usually the guys that want to pursue the girl, but take their time getting to know her, to seek a relationship out. During this course of time, he waits for her to build attraction up for him, so that it becomes equal. Guys have to work on loving a girl to get her to fall for him and share the mutual interest. Of course, this usually has to happen within 1-2 dates or else it's failure.

    I've been there - dated (aka hung out with) a girl multiple times because she liked me when I had no interest in her from the start. I hoped to use her to find someone else, but sadly I wasn't in the frame of mind to make that tactic happen. So my time was wasted, but she enjoyed my company anyway.

    Move on, cstubbs - it's a done deal, and being friends with him will only waste your time when you could spend it on dating someone new.

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    • It's usually the guys that want to pursue the girl, but take their time getting to know her, to seek a relationship out. During this course of time, he waits for her to build attraction up for him, so that it becomes equal. Guys have to work on loving a girl to get her to fall for him and share the mutual interest. Of course, this usually has to happen within 1-2 dates or else it's failure.- how can you build love in 1 to2 dates,. & I usually know when I meet a guy if ill like him more than a frnd

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What Guys Said 12

  • this guy has already admitted to having you classified as being friendzoned. he may truly may be just a good friend and would hate to loose said friendship. his own words as you put it says as much (he was afraid of loosing that and afraid of breaking it off because of it.) maybe he's fallen for that prevant lie that says friends can't be boyfriend/girlfriend . that's a wrong assumption because at the base of any great relationship is friendship. which is why many (why so many so called nice guys ... like myself way back when... come across as being assexual to many girls and get dumped in the friendzone so many times. (the previous statement is an accusation towards you but merrily an explaination ) how ever it looks as though by everything he has tried to say in that he still wants you in his life(how be it as a friend only thing for now) you've done exactly what he feared by excluding him out of your life as much as possible.

    question ? you say you got into fights over little things. how were these little things settled .

    (swepted under the carpet to fester again latter, settled peacefully and lovingly and forgotten about. were each of you being considerate of the others opinion of the fight by trying or making an attempt to understand.

    also maybe he was picking up vibes from you by your actions/response during these fights that you weren't satisfied with him as being boyfriend material for you. which by (again ) your response to all his attempts to remain a friend you've negated your responses negatively (which may feed back to him verifing you may have wanted out of the relationship).

    again these statements are not to be taken as accusations about yourself but food for thought as to what is going on in his head.

    another thing to consider is that communication is esential in any type of relationship (that being friends only or bf/gf). if you want to know why be honest with him witrh your feelings as well and incourage him also to be truthful with his as well (in a loving fashion ) by showing that you care for him and would receive his replies in that same caring fashion.

    i realize this may not be the type of answer you may have been expecting but I hope it has helped some.

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  • It sounds like he does want you available as a girlfriend but doesn't really want to deal with any commitment. He also sounds like he is having trouble deciding what he wants out of you, specifically. Unfortunately he seems to expect you to just be there until he figures it out. I my experience a big question mark for a relationship can be agonizing, and it's unfair to expect you to just adjust to whatever level of commitment he feels like at the moment.

    If you want a relationship, I would recommend asking him again, and demanding a straight answer. Give him a week to think it over, but if he can't decide on what kind of relationship he wants, or if you don't want the same thing, there's no point sticking around.

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  • I think you're better off without him, because either he has no understanding of his emotions or he doesn't care about putting you on a roller coaster. Frankly, I don't think it is worth your time trying to find out if he was as callous as he initially sounded ("go with the flow"?!?)... I really can't believe he found love afterwards.

    I'd move on and found someone more stable... the "better than himself" business sounds like a line designed to get your sympathy more than any real recognition of his own flaws.

    I think you're right in not talking to him, and I hope you really don't dwell on getting over him -- I don't think you really lost anything there.

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  • Well him saying he only liked you as a friend is probably not true. Men can get very heartbroken and lovesick just like women but we tend to be more embarrassed by that. I don't agree with all the women on here saying he is a complete asshole. I mean you dump him, and I'm sure you had a good reason/doesn't matter, and now he's not allowed to say anything bad at all. Is he supposed to just wallow. Your right he probably will find someone else and get over you so if you want to break up with him then just do it and don't play around with being friends

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    • I think you misread the question. HE broke up with HER, and SHE is the one trying to get over HIM. Of course he may be upset or have mixed feelings, I'm not denying that men can also feel emotions. But your answer really doesn't apply to the situation at all.

    • Haha, I know..I read this and was like, "Did he read a completely different question or is it me?"

    • I guess I did read that wrong. Well it that case it seems like he' changing his mind but she's got every right to say no to that, that really depends on her, because I have had someone who wanted to yo yo back and forth betweeen going out and not and it wasn't worth it

  • It sounds to me that he just likes the attention. He broke up with you, but still wants all the benefits. You're probably better off just moving on.

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  • He likes you a lot as a friend and doesn't want urt you... Or perhaps there's something in paticular sexually that he wants that he's not getting, the smallest things that you won't do if a man wants in bed will leave him always wanting and thinking of it... It's tue. sad but true.

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  • Well that last time, that I did it, (after telling her that there was no need to involve emotion in the next thing I said, then proceed to tell her she was REALLY BORING, and some other things that she should know) and the next thought believe was, "I wonder what I'm going to eat for lunch." As I walked away.

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  • damnwell that sucks

    oh well.

    but he might be different some men develop a idgaf mind set

    cause life goes on and things happen for reasons

    and you never know what could happen next so just be positive and life will be positive

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  • He is either angry or guilty.

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  • if he doesn't like you nothing

    if he does he'll go crazy lolz or just think bout you alot

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  • whos next? lol jk

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  • I've done the same as this guy has before, I felt completely out of order for doing it as she did really like me, but I didn't want contact with her, I don't know what he's thinking but if I were you I wouldn't want to keep in contact with him as much as he does, it's your choice weather you want to talk to him or not, so just tell him to back off and give you some space, you need to put it bluntly so that he understands.

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What Girls Said 4

  • He sounds very conflicted and self-centered. Who tells their former girlfriend stuff like that? Awful.

    So, yes, stick to your plans of cutting contact. You do need time to get over this and trying to maintain contact with a guy you never wanted to break it off with will only prolong your pain. He won't be getting back together with you and is just using you, selfishly, for a buddy to hang with until he finally finds a love interest that he will replace you with. If you think you feel bad now, wait till that happens. So, do what is right for you and to h*ll with him.

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    • What you described in your second paragraph happened to me~ a boy dated me for a while until he found someone he really liked. And yes, it really does suck!

    • Yes, it is awful that people do that, date someone as a holdover until they find someone else. I realize some people are not honest with themselves or think nothing of dating someone they are mildly in to, but it is not cool to be on the receiving end of that.

  • Boys often take advantage of a situation in which the girl does the chasing. He figures that he will take the sex if she gives it to him and then move on as soon as it's not fun anymore.

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    • What the hell are you talking about. She's not chasing him. They were going out she broke up with him and now he's sad and wished she hadn't. I am not saying she shouldn't have broke up with him that's her decision but seriously what did he do wrong here. The only person he is hurting is himself. It the question asker doesn't want to get back together than she can just stop talking to him and not go to movies with him

    • Yeah he broke up wth her I misread that. Still I don't think she is chasing him, it seems more like he is chasing her.

  • Yea, he full of sh*t. Move on.

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  • wow I'm sorry to hear that. he is a complete asshole for that. I don't think you should be "friends" with him because a friend would never do that to a friend anyway. he is a user plain and simple. this is why I always tell girls never ask a guy out first or chase him because often times this is what happen. and then people will give me thumbs down and comment saying why I'm wrong but look at what happened here. you are in no way the first girl this happened to or even the last. it happened to me but you live and learn from it. karma is a bitch. the next girl that he likes will treat him that badly or even worse

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    • I totally agree with the last sentence on your comment! ;-)

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    • Subotai, do you have trouble with reading comprehension? he broke up with her and told her he only dated her because she showed interest in him and he never liked her for more than a friend. you don't think THAT makes him an asshole? is that really how someone deserves to be treated? either you didn't read the question right or you are just as much an asshole as her ex was to think there's nothing wrong with that. it's never the guy's fault is it?

    • Yeah your right I misread it although I think its still true he didn't mean the comment he said about not likinjg her, its just the kind of thing people say in a breakup fight to prove which one cared less which is dumb. I still said she should break up with him cleanly and not go on "friend" dates with him, but I don't think he is an asshole per se. I don't know either of them or why they broke up. She's not chasing him though he is chasing her now because he regrets his words that's all

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