Anyone ever recover from a break up that had to do with being long distance? I'm hoping for a miracle.

My ex broke up with me almost one year ago. The last year has been an emotional roller coaster.

Our relationship was good. I was completely in love with my ex. I still am unfortunately. I don't know if he has changed, but since I last talked to him, it has not seemed like that it has all that much.

I spent the last year, analyzing, comparing, coming up with ways to get my ex back. I read books. I read everything I could, to figure out what went wrong. I couldn't come up with a solution. I wrote more than 100 posts on this site, some in which responses were helpful, others in which told me to stop wasting my time.

I know my life and his life could have gone ending up on the same path, or separating completely. I just didn't know how to make the decision. I was graduating college, and he lived in Texas. He was stationed there for the coast guard, and grew up there.

During school when I was attending ASU we had started dating my sophomore year. I had met him at home in St. Louis while going home for my sister's and best friend's birthday. We had talked for a little while, and I flew back the next morning incredibly happy. I thought I had met the most amazing guy. I just couldn't believe it. --- but I was happy and although, I wasn't expecting anything to happen, things did. He came to visit me during Christmas, and I couldn't have been more excited to see him.

He was everything that I wanted. He was my best friend. And I know things were not completely perfect. Long distance for two years was hard, but not unbearable. We saw each other at least once a month. I was very happy with him. I loved him.

And then my senior year of college happened. I decided I would graduate early, and he had "thought" that maybe he would get out of the coast guard or stay in. He blamed me for not making a decision sooner, although he had mentioned he would either move to Illinois or we would figure out other plans.

We had fought almost for a month about a solution. We just couldn't seem to find a solution that fixed both of what we wanted. I wanted to be near my family. I hadn't been in two years. I was home sick, but at the last moment, I told him I would move to Texas, and he said no. Things were shaking between us a week before. I had no understanding of the situation. He wasn't being his normal self.

We broke up. He mentioned saying a ton of stuff that didn't make sense to me. This was the guy who promised he would be my best friend till the end. This was the guy who said he would always surprise me when he'd propose and I'd never expect it when it would happen.

He brought up things, that didn't make sense to me, (about how I didn't get along with his friends. ) (He couldn't do what daddy does) ... etc etc... I didn't understand why he was saying all these things that he disliked about me, that didn't come up earlier. I just didn't understand.

He was supposed to come for my birthday that week, and ended up

Updates:
not coming. No text, nothing. Everything felt like it was crumbling. I can still remember that being probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. The feeling of where you may never end up seeing the one person you truly love ever again.
Not ever being able to see or talk to your best friend again. Instead, I flew home for my birthday. I paid $500 for a flight and had an incredibly short weekend home. I was miserable. I was pathetic. Looking back it was one of the worst weekends of my
life. Breathing has never been hard, until that weekend we broke up. Sleeping was existant up untill then. It's not fun to say, but I didn't sleep for months after, and I cried pretty much every day. I wish it wasn't true, but that is the sad truth.
The last time I had try to contact him, was on my birthday. He didn't answer. I don't know what I could have done or have said to make him change his mind. He seemed changed in a way, that I had never could sense in him before. Not calling/ or even
texting me to tell me he wasn't coming up was beyond more than anything anyone could ever say. His actions told me otherwise. The last thing he said to me was that we owed it to ourselves to do this in person, only he never came. I looked up his flight
info and his ticket was canceled.
I tried calling him a month later, - no response. It was then until December I talked to him on Aim. We had a decent conversation, only he was acting strangely. He was treating me like anyone else, not like his girlfriend, but what could I expect.
(Deep down, I wish I could have fixed things sooner, I wish things would have never went the way they did. I just regret the way things ended up and how they did. Every day I believe that those things that were said and what happened should have been
fixed. I guess I 'm just crazy -- prior to this - years before this, I believe knowing what I know now, and looking at myself from a different perspective - I would have laughed at myself and called myself pathetic for caring so much over a boy.)
Anyways, the aim chat didn't go so well. It didnt' work. He still wasn't into getting back into a relationship.
December came, my friend Allison had family who lived in Texas, I took it as an opportunity to fix things maybe meet in person again. It was since October had I had seen him last. I tried talking to him. And for taking advice I never really do...
My sister told me to call him, until he picked up. It was a dumb plan (again it equaled into me looking pathetic,) He had his friend answer after the 9th try. He told me he would have married me, but he couldn't do that to me... .make me move to Texas
and have it not work out. (After two years, I don't think you just sit there - you have to take a risk. ) I was willing to make that risk. He also said he ignored his family and his friends while dating me. He told me that he didn't even like the
person he saw int he mirror sometimes.
I told him I'd be going to Louisiana with Alison over break, (I had also graduated in the meantime). and then I was second guessing if I should have told him I'd be going to Houston - where he lives in the meantime. I mentioned Louisiana. And he told
he knew what I was thinking and not to do it. And then he continued to tell me how busy he was going to be that week. I felt awful. I just couldn't handle it. It was like the conversation we had before, the same convo we had while we were breaking up.
I felt awful anyways. I went to Texas too, only I felt too rejected, too awful, to call him while I was there. I ended up losing my phone in Louisiana as well. So much for a phone call, but I knew his phone number anyways by heart. He was "too busy" t
to even want to begin to see me. He would have never been "too busy" before. I ended up having a lot of fun in Louisiana - prob too much fun. I decided to not take any photos or upload them to facebook at all.
My friend Allison did. and her brother loves to fish (we went up galveston - where he lives next to the strip) It was a different experience. I missed him none the less. She took pictures - even though I knew he would recognize where we were on faceboo
I guess it didnt' matter. After Allison posted the pictures he wrote - the word "apathetic" on his wall as a status. I knew he saw the pictures.
It still didn't do anything.
I waited until February 14th and then I deleted him as a friend. I was just upset. And then in March I wrote him a note that said " I know you probably don't want to talk to me, I don't want to lose you completely, even if that means just being facebook
"friends."
He readded me. Two days later. He wrote on his wall. "I'd go back, but it's just too late." as his status. And then two days later. He wrote If I see another ASU sticker or Illinois license plate I'm gooing to loose it. I'm an idiot stop reminding
me.


And then I sent him message, and wrote him, asking him what his status was about, and then he ignored me. It took him weeks to respond. to one question. I basically got nothing out of him.
I just got mad. I stopped talking to him.
And then in July - I just got angry. I had two beers (I'm a light weight) I know. I was a little drunk and sent him a massive text.
June 11I don’t care how much you think I didn’t care or whatever sh*t happened. I think you should have came to visit. I have had 8 months to think it over, and everyday I think it was a mistake. I don’t understand anything. I don’t understand that
that message you put on your wall. You made me believe things would work out between you and I, and you won’t even give me a chance. I mean does it give you satisfaction to know that I still want you and love you even after 8 months.
This was the sh*ttiest thing. And I know and I’ve learned that telling you someone how they feel doesn’t necessarily mean anything will happen. I know that it won’t. I miss you and think about you everyday.
And yes I have had two beers and feel drunk. You meant so much to me. And all I’ll ever believe you’ll do after this is feel happy that I miss you and you don’t miss me.
Things used to be so easy until everything went so wrong. And the sad thing is I have to tell you this via text message. Never in my life would I believe things would be the way they are now.
I’m not miserable or stupid. I know how to get what I want in life. I just don’t understand. And I’m scared sh*tless that I have to tell you these things.
And I don’t expect a response back. You have no idea what I’ve felt.
This is f***ing stupid. And I’m probably never going to hear from you again. I’m also probably going to regret sending this also.
Why can’t you just give me an explanation. I feel like I still deserve an explanation.


I’m not asking for anything in return. I just want to know why.

Ryan

I’ll call you tomorrow.


I’ll call you tomorrow and we can talk.

June 12: 3:55pm


Michelle

Hey are we really going to talk or were you just saying that?


Ryan

We are I’ll call you tonight

Michelle

Well around what time?


Ryan

9 or so


Michelle

K

Michelle 6:58pm

Hey if your not at work do you want to skype instead?


Ryan

I’m not at home I’m in Katy with my parents.


Michelle

Ok

Ryan: 9:08pm

It’s probably going to be later. Something came up.


Michelle

Well I’ll be out, but I’ll try to answer.


Ryan

Ok

And then when he did call me. I had to call him. I asked him if he cheated on me. He said no. He said all that happened was that we were two people who fell in love and it didn't work out. That was his excuse. He was mean about it. He made me feel
like everything that he ever said to me was a lie. I had to talked to this person everyday from video chat, to on the phone for almost two hours everday. He knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him. He just seemed like he didn't care
It was another miserable experience. I cried. I yelled. I made a fool out of myself. I later apologized with a facebook message.
He also mentioned that moving from a l.d. relationship to something physically close was something he wasn't/couldn't do. It only took him so long to figure it out.
Here is the message I sent him.Thank you for talking to me last night. I appreciate it, even if things didn't work out the way I wanted them to (while we were dating). I understand your reasoning for things, and I just needed to hear the truth.
I feel like I can finally stop thinking about things, stop wondering why things happened the way they did, and move on. Again, I thank you for that. I really did need that.
And sorry if I was really intense. I realize I was really kind of emotional at the same time, and I didn't want to be. It is just a sore subject to talk about. And fyi its a subject I won't be bringing up again.
I just hope this won't make things even weirder than they already are. I didn't want to make it out to be. I just really hope one day down the road we can have a normal conversation and still laugh about things we always used to laugh about.
That was sent on June 3. I didn't expect to hear anything from him ever again at that point. I cried when I didn't get a response, but what can I expect.
JULY 4 (That's his birthday). I didn't wish him a happy birthday. I did stalk his facebook profile quite a bit. A lot of people wished him happy birthday. I was in Colorado with my family on vacation at the time. His status " Thanks for the birthday
wishes, just wish I could have spent it in Texas." I accidentally "liked" the status. How? My phone has internet, and yes I was stalking his profile, he's a 4th of July baby. So yeah. that is what happened. I woke up to shut my alarm clock off with
the touch screen. little did I know I still had his profile clicked onto my phone and then I had accidentally liked his status that he couldn't spend his birthday where he wanted too. but then again I hadn't spent my birthday the way that I had wanted
to.
I unliked the status as quick as I could.
Months went by... nothing happened. I expected never to hear from him again and then he facebook messaged me.


I was going to treat him, just how he treated me in the past.
Formally.
July 20th: 11:08pm


Ryan: Hey

Michelle: Hey

Ryan: What's up?

Michelle: Nm, how's Dillion and the family? (he usually started asking me how my family was doing so I did the same, formal crap that he played with usually.)
Michelle

Hey sorry about your grandma…. R you ok?

Ryan

I just wish I could have been there. The funeral was today and I was the only one not there. I guess it comes with the job being away from the ones you love.

Michelle

Oh… yeah that must really be rough… that sucks that they didn’t let you fly back.

Ryan

I couldn’t have even if I tried. It has to be like your parent or sibling for them to let you go. Michelle I miss you. I miss my best friend.

Michelle

Oh… I’m really sorry about your grandma. I missed you too…. But it just sounded like you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t know what to say.

Ryan

Neither do I. I want you as a friend but it’s hard to do, let you know I’m in pain, and it kills me knowing that you might be in the slightest pain. I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do please.

Michelle

I’m sorry I don’t know what to say. I wish you weren’t in pain. I wish you could be with your family. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. Loosing someone must be extremely hard.

Michelle

I really am sorry for your loss.
Ryan

Thanks for the support. You have always been there. It is good to have people support you.

July 22: 9:59pm


Michelle

Hey you doin ok?

Ryan: No response
July 29: 8:00pm


Michelle

Hey


Ryan

Hey

Michelle

How’ve you been?


Ryan

Decent glad to be home. How are you?


Michelle

I’m pretty good. So what’s new? I feel like I haven’t “really” talked to you in forever.


Ryan

Ya sorry about that one night.

Michelle

Oh. Yeah that’s ok…. I guess you were just upset.


Ryan

But nothing really is new. I live a pretty boring life. Work work work.

Ryan

Thanks for putting up with my bs.


Michelle

For what? That one night?

Ryan

Yeah, and any other night I’ve called you p*ss ass drunk.


Michelle

Don’t worry about it. I don’t think I’ve gotten any calls really….


Ryan

What have you been up to?


Michelle

Not much. I’ve been working a lot too. I usually get a lot tired now that I work. It eats up a lot of the free time I’m used to having.

Ryan

I totally get it. I’m at work more than I am at my own house.


Michelle

Yeah. I guess that can kind of suck. I went to Ohio for two days. Still like my house better.

Ryan

Sounds fun not to one up you or anything, but I just spent the last 5 weeks in South Carolina and between you and me I never want to go back. I’d rather live back in Mississippi than there.

Michelle

Really what did you not like about it so much?

Ryan

The people plus I didn’t have my truck and I couldn’t go anywhere, wait that might have been something to do with it.


Michelle

That could possibly have something to do with it. I hated not having a car.

Ryan

Yeah I was stuck on base and there was nothing on base except a bat.


Michelle

Doesn’t sound that entertaining. My brother went there over the summer. I think he kind of seemed to like it though.

Ryan

I’m sure it’s not that bad, but it was a long 5 weeks, and I was ready to get home and sleep in my own bed. Plus I missed my great grandma’s funeral and Chase’s 1st birthday.


Michelle

Oh yeah, that really does suck.

Ryan

Yep


Michelle

So anything else new? You dating anyone?


Ryan

Nope haven’t since you.

Michelle

Yeah I haven’t either.

Michelle

Well it’s been a while since we actually kinda talked. I’m gald we did a little. It’s nice to know your doing well.


Ryan

Yeah def.

August 4: 5:25pm Text Message
Michelle

Hey


Can we video chat sometime? I thought it might not be that big of a deal…. If we are attempting to be friends after all. It’s just a question you can say no if you don’t want to.

9:30pm

Ok guess that is a no. That’s cool just don’t answer. Whatever.

Ryan

Sorry I’m at work. Yeah that sounds like a good idea. Maybe next week sometime. We can do that I think that would be cool.


Michelle

Ok I’ll hold you to it then.

Ryan

Please do.


Michelle

K

August 9: 6:16pm
Michelle

Hey ya busy? Wanna video chat?


Ryan

I work till Wednesday afternoon maybe then or Thursday

Michelle

Yeah Wednesday would work. Thursday might work…. I just have to work late that night.

August 11: 7:18pmMichelle Hey are you going to be up late tonight? I might not be getting back to my house until 9. Did you still want to video chat or wait until tomorrow? (My mom was getting surgery on her breast that day I
couldn't talk. The doctors didn't know if it was cancer.)

It was not cancer, we found out a week or two later after tests. There was soemthing else that was wrong.
Ryan

Tomorrow is better for me.


Michelle

Ok.


Talk to you then.

August 12: 7:15pm


Michelle

Hey are you online?


Ryan

No I’m eating dinner give me thirty minutes or so.

Michelle

Ok.


Ryan

I’m online.


Michelle

Ok do you have skype or still use aim?


Ryan

No clue what skype even is.


Michelle

Oh… OK gotcha….


So on AUGUST 11, we talk, he cries, and is drinking on video chat. He is the same old Ryan I fell in love with. He keeps on saying how he wants to talk about how he really feels.
He says he wants us to be together but in the same place. and that I was all that he ever wanted, and that he was an idiot for letting me go. He continues to tell me he wants to talk on next Tuesday. And is happy about it. He then says good bye.
Next Tuesday, I'm unable to talk. I get hold of him Wendedaay, he doesn't want to video chat. The first thing that he says is " I think that we should just be friends." and leaves at that. I'm devastated.
I don't know what to do... I just pretended to be fine with it, and he continues to almost talk the whole way through the conversation as I'm trying to fight back my tears. I wanted to tell him that being friends is going to be hard.
I text him/ call him again.. I texted him saying that I didn't get to say everything that I had wanted to say.
I break my promise of never trying to speak of attempting to be in a realtionship with him again.


I send him anothe rfacebook message
Well... This is what I wanted to say.


I just want you to know that I am fine with being just friends or whatever, and this isn't easy for me, so you're going to have to bare with me. I'm not going to lie when I say this...
The idea of you dating someone else, or even knowing about it... It's going to hurt. Thinking that your going to want to be with someone else one day really kills me...
I just wish it was me. And you know that.


Huh. Let's just pretend I never sent that. Thanks a billion. Later.

And then I texted him a few days later. asked him if he wanted to talk again.


He said yes


and then rescheduled the next two weeks. and ignored me when the last one came down to it.
So that is it. That is what it has come down to.


August 2010 he says he is still in love with me, and then ignores the crap out of me.


It' s October now. And October 27 is the day we broke up, so cheers to that.


Will he ever come back? I don't know.. I hate to think that he is going to be with someone else. It hurts. I just hope one day I'm able to find someone that is a better friend, a beter boyfriend, and that I'll find someone I click wi
th more than I was ever able to click with than while with him.


I don't know what to do?



I want him back... That is my goal. I love him, and I want him back in my life.



Any advice besides move on?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • That was intense story, like a book. (im just saying)

    1st of all after reading everything, you need to move on.. soon as possible

    why spend your energy with someone who gives you the impressions that he doesn t want to be more than friends with you. It is not fair at all to you

    The explaintion I feel was not enough. lame...

    I see actually what you are coming from, same thing happened to me a few years ago.

    I was on that boys tail like no 2morrow. Then something just happened. we were on aim on at the same time, it just hit me - I'm not going to put up with this & he didn't say anything..that was my last straw - I WAS DONE. I put my energy trying to make it better but he just used me.

    If he does come back..it is probably be when you are with someone esle.

    Then he will truly see what he has lost

    You can't make someone love or want to b with you

    its just not worth it, imagine- him being happy and you sad all the time.

    dont hold on -let go

    you have done everything , you tried

    hes not responding- or trying to make it work at all

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    • Thank you.. I think that was the best advice I've heard.

    • Show All
    • I need someone who's not going to wimp out for once. Why can't guys just be emotionally strong? Why can't they just compromise? I'm ready to just be with whoever I'm supposed to be happily ever after with. I ready to be with the right guy. In tired of dating jerks who can't comit, jerks that are selfish. Jerks that complain about me chewing with my mouth closed. Jerks who would rather spend Friday night working out rather than with me. My ex is a selfish jerk. I hope he gets married to the reflection in his mirror, or a dumbbell. Guys don't realize this but no one is going to look hot forever. People get married and one day you are 80 years old and you are wrinkly and not cute but you have each other and you like each other still that's what is important.

    • And I'm pretty sure Facebook prolongs any break up recovery process. It's a double edged sword. Looking back maybe if Facebook didn't exist I wouldn't have been posting about him 1 year later.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 9

  • Oops, my comments followed Girl starting with "hi dear"...especially in military, will encourage other relationships, partying, etc.. If it was strong enough to hold, it would have. Them main tibbet I have for you, is remain the friend you was before dating. However, once the relationship has broken up, never go back! Too many thoughts of did you cheat on me will constantly eat at both of you, regardless. You will always be hurt at the breakup, as you are the victim of the split. I know, I was the same victim. Took me a long time to want to date, or even the thought of getting married was a killer in any relationship I may have been in, until I found my wife now...And we have been married for 13.5 years now, and I couldn't be happier. Moral of the story is yes, you have to move on, be strong and know that mr. right is out there somewhere working to find you. Every thing you do in life, every expierence/relationship/breakups is a stepping stone to make you stronger, wiser and ready for when that someone that is "the one" comes into your life, you two can handle whatever lifes struggle you may endure. Again, I know this...I have been married three times befor meeting my fourth wife, now of 13.5 years and we are each others soulmates...Temptations have hit us both, but we both knew what we have far outweighed those temptations. Be patient, don't look for love; for it will undoubtedly find you...Good luck in your endeavor...Friendly Huggs!

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  • Dear god that was long. OK you asked for advice BESIDES move on. My advice is move on. This doesn't sound like a good relationship. But since you asked for something else...

    CUT OUT THE F***ING BULLSHIT!

    Call him, on the phone, not facebook message. Tell him you love him, tell him you want to be with him. Tell him you want to move to Texas, say it is your dream to move to Texas to be with him, that it would make you happy to do it. Beg him to take you back. Say please. Beg him to let you come to him.



    DO NOT say something stupid like "whatever, forget I said that," instead SAY what you ACTUALLY FEEL. Be direct and honest.

    If he says "yes" move there as soon as possible, before you 2 mess up each other heads again. If he says 'no" MOVE ON, do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try be "just friends." That is not what you want and it will torture you.

    Ask yourself this though: would you want him this much if you actually had him? Or have you simply been obsessed with wanting what was just out of reach?

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  • Move on. Long distance relationships are not relationships at all. And stop with the question updates while you're at it. Good luck

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  • I feel really bad for you, because unfortunately I can tell just by the first excuse you listed of not getting along with his friends that he no longer wants to be with you. It sucks still having feelings for someone else who no longer. He has moved on, and I suggest you do something fun to get him off of your mind. Many women have it in their heads that there are not that many good men out there, when in reality there is. You need to go have fun and talk to different guys (not sleep around).

    I was in a long distance relationship where I basically put my girlfriend in the position you're in. I treated her differently because she was too attached and the relationship lost its flare.

    If you reallyyy want to get him back, the only way would be to show him that you are a fun person and you can have more fun without him. If he sees you with another guy and you're having fun, he might get jealous and try to get back with you. But this is just a tip from a 21 yr. old so best of luck to you.

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    • same situation with my ex and i. we we're in a ldr only 40 min from one another... he told me he was "bored" and it wasn't the same... lead me on for about a year, came back, went away. this nov he told me he wanted me back... then suddenly deleted me from Facebook and stopped talking to me. I asked if he's going to keep leading me on, then I have to walk away, he said "then walk away" not seeming to care about me at all.i found out now he has a new girlfriend and I'm heart broken. he' 20 & I'm 18 :(

  • i have read everything and understand your story:) and luckily I know the cure but it will be hard. I was in a very similar situation but wayyy more complicated. first you have to accept that chances are you will still have feelings for each other but things won't work out:( the way to cure this is by both being in a relationship at the same time. if you are in love with a different guy who loves you as well, (you seem like a good person, so I feel like any nice guy should be crazy about you:) ), if you are both in a relationship things shouldn't be as bad. and be friends. by long distance relationship girlfriend promised me she wouldn't go back to her previous ex, whom she still loved, because she loved me but I spoke to her and wanted her to be happy and curently had a crush on a different girl and so I was OK with her dating him, but she said no and that she was over him, but she went out with a different guy. she was in a relationship with him and I was getting to know this girl that I liked and even though me and my L.D. relationship girl still have feelings for each other because "once you truly love someone, it never goes away, unless its replaces with hate, which might not last forever" we remained friends and I asked her for advice about the girl I liked and she would talk to me about her situation, etc. the hardest thing when you have strong feelings for someone is removing them from your life and I know how you feel, if you guys move on all it will bring is hurt and jealousy of the others' significant other. but if you guys become friends, occasionally talk, and move on together then things should work out:) but you never know, miracles might happen, but you have to think..would you change your life and live in texas for him and spend the rest of your life with him after he did that? this is the rest of your life you are talking about and 2 years is a long time and I know you love him and you are serious about him, but if he through it all away like its nothing, I think you should think hard before you make big decisions like that. I loved my l.d. relationship so much that I was willing to move to michigan from ny for her and go to college there instead of follow my own plans. he must love you as much as you love him for you to be sure that he is the one. if he doesn't love you as much as you love him, which the no responses and other things can be a major hint to, then maybe you guys can do what I suggested above. remain friends for a while, talk to each other about how you feel about the situation, and while you're doing this you probably might have interest in other people, but might look away because you feel like you are betraying him, but you guys need to move on together, maybe tell him about your crushes (I told my girl about my crush and she confessed to me her crush as well lol, she would have never confessed if I didn't because she was afraid to hurt me) move on together and if it hurts you to know that he loves a different gir

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  • l, then try to move on without being friends, to avoid getting hurt. you guys will miss each other but it should ware off over time..you guys will miss each other but there are other great people who would love you so much more and make you so much happier. I know you don't want to just through away two years away like that (and maybe your mind is not letting go of the fact that you love him because you don't want to accept that you through those two years away and that you should start over:( , but it may work out, but chances are it might not, but it depends on the both of you and the whole situation, becuase I'm sure this whole thing, even though it might be much, is still not everything. I hope I helped and I wish you good luck and all the best:) I hope things work out whether you guys get back together or not:) good luck:)

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  • Dont move on if this is who you want then fight with all your heart to make it happen.

    I might not help much because the love of my life is breaking my heart as we speak. I found the one person in my life I truly click with and she broke my heart once and I gave her a second chance because she truly proved to me that she wanted it but then she got scared again and ran to another guy. This is twice now she has broken my heart and chose the opposite of what she truly wants just because she is afraid of being happy she thinks she doesn't deserve it.

    But with every ounce of my soul I know I will never get another Tanya. So I will dedicate my life to finding the solution to getting her back. She is too perfect for me to be tortured by someone else that does not see how amazing she is. Burned bridges can be rebuilt, so no matter how much she hurt me I know she is just scared and needs help seeing for herself what is here waiting for her.

    So my advice is this, make yourself amazing. You already know what he wants and his desires, so now you need to become that in everyway. Become irresistable, but do not force it on him. Let him see it for himself, and you will know when the time is right to take him back. Let him prove to you what an idiot he has been. But I warn you do this with the process of your lifes dreams because one thing that he doesn't want to see is you giving up on your dreams for him.

    Also it sounds like he may have a drinking problem. He seems to have an emotional barrier that only is released when he has had a few drinks. It might be something to look into.

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  • Thats pretty much all you can do.. life goes on, hun... I been there, and it's not fun. Grow from this.. you can do it.

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  • Do whatever you want while away. Its long distance.

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What Girls Said 16

  • I have to agree with lilredhead...

    I know you wrote right in your question that you tend to not take advice, so I'm not sure that any of our answers will help at all, but I hope that they do.

    Love is not supposed to be this difficult. Not even close.

    If someone wants to be with you, they'll do anything and everything to be with you. No excuses, no bullsh*t. If he wanted to be with you, he would. I know how much that hurts, but why want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? If you truly love them, you will take their wants/needs into consideration.

    I remember feeling this way before. I loved a guy dearly and he never seemed to know how he felt -- kind of like Ryan. He would say one thing and act a completely different way. He made my head spin. It got to the point where I was making myself sick, kind of like you described. I wasn't eating or sleeping and I was crying all of the time. I didn't even want to get out of bed. I needed to make a decision. So, I thought a lot about it and decided that I was madly in love with this guy, but if he were happier being without me, so be it. I'd let him do just that... because true love doesn't require reciprocation. You don't love somebody to be loved back -- you just love them because you do. Of course it's the goal and hope to have it be returned, but it's not a necessity. When you love, you put what they want FIRST.

    Just because you want to be with him doesn't mean that it's the way it should be. If you learn to understand this, you'll likely be less upset that you're not together. Try being happy that he's healthy and happy somewhere in the world.

    It's true that two people could be in love and it could just not work. This happens all of the time. Just because somebody has good qualities and you have a wonderful time together doesn't mean that the relationship will work. I know it sounds silly... like all of the ingredients were there, but the cake still doesn't taste the way it's supposed to.

    Love should be easy. Not to say that it will necessarily be free of arguments, but like I said, someone who wants to be with you will put in the effort.

    You sound like a doll. This dude is going to be kicking himself in the ass for letting you go. But in order for him to do that, you need to leave him alone. I know it's hard. I know you feel like you can't stop wanting to catch up, but it really does work.

    All of my exes come crawling back after I start acting like I don't care. And by that point, I don't want them back anyway. I bet this is what will happen with you. LET IT

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    • Amen sister!! they always and I mean always come crawling back and after the awful depression and counceling and anti depressents and weight loss you finally start to heal and then you do one day all of the sudden! and you move on and bam! one shows up like one of those night of the living dead movies and you really don't feel anything! maybe pity.......

    • Thank you for your comment. I know what love means. I did feel like that - when I was with him. Carefree it was nice. Our relationship wasn't something we really had to work hard at it was easy. But your comment is very true. I wish I didn't care anymore - but lately I just keep on getting strange flashbacks/memories pop in my head at random times. I'm ready to move on. I want to be ready to move on.

  • Here's the thing. You sound like a nice caring girl. You deserve better. If he keeps making excuses about not seeing you, I'm going to have to say he's over you. Move on. As much as you don't want to hear it and say you're in love, you have a life to live. Things to do, places to be. You're young, don't you want to be happy? It hurts, I know. But in the end when you are with someone who is actually in distance of you, you'll be happier in the end. I'm sure your ex will be happier that you moved on to and happy with someone else.

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  • Ok chicka I am sorry to say but its a good thing that it is over there is a reason people from your past don't make it to your future. I know how you feel though sometimes its hard but by holding on and dwelling on this you are missing out on so much that life has to offer everything happens for a reason and although we may not see it at first. the answers soon reveal themselves to us we just need to open our mind and our heart and it seems that you have closed both of these of in a dillusional thought that he was the only one for you but it's not the case and it really didn't sound that healthy.

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  • you know, sometimes we think guys are tougher than us because they can end things so abruptly and seemingly be over it. But I think that sometimes guys aren't as strong as us. They don't like being away from the one they care about, it hurts, and they find reasons to end it because if you can't be with the one you love, you should be with the one next to you.

    You can't force people to be back in your life any more that someone can force you to love them. I know it's been a year but you're so young and a year isn't that long.

    It's not about finding a better boyfriend or a better friend. It's about finding someone that's right for you and a "better match" for you.

    And nobody knows where your lives will end up. Maybe you guys will be friends in the future. Maybe you'll get over him. Maybe you guys will just lose track of each other. Maybe you guys will wind up together.

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    • True, no one has a crystal ball. But I was graduating in 2 months - if he waited 2 years and continued to tell me it was going to work out - why end it?

    • Show All
    • Well 6 years later, and if this was an Oprah story of where is she now: not with him.

      I've just returned to this site again. No long distant relationship anymore. I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with my fiancé. 4 months before our wedding he called it off. But re reading all of these peoples great advice makes me not want him back. It's kind of nice looking at the old me and seeing how sad I was do I hopefully remember from past experiences that guys don't come back after they break up with you.

      Again, no I don't need to talk to him. Avoid contact. He's a lost cause. I need to move on and forget him. I need to remember that he kind of sucked more ways than one. I deserved better from this Ryan guy and I deserved better from ex fiancé. I hope he regrets it and treating me the way that he did. He's stupid. I hope I don't ever have to see him again.

    • I wish my crystal ball would have told me Taylor swift is gonna come out with a song called we are never getting back together and that's your story. True dat. I spent way too much time obsessing over this turd.

  • i was in a relationship with long distance and what I did to make up over it was hang out with friends even if I didn't want to and it will slowly get your mind away from him more and more.Also keep yourself active and talk to other guys chances are you will forget about the other guy if you will find someone with a better personality.Another thing I do is to be civil with the person but find the negative things in that guy so every time I think of him I will think of negative things to make me dislike him more and more.Remember and keep this in mind, there is plenty of fish in the sea with differents awesome personalitys just got to find him ;)

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  • I have been through this same crap as have you. I was completely in love with my ex boyfriend. It was long distance and we dated for 2-2 1/2 years. It was great. Then he broke up with me. Yes it's very hard to get over, and sometimes I think I'm not over it. I know what you're going to. It hurts more than anyone can imagine, and sometimes you can't help but imagine who he's with, what's he doing, is he with anyone else, etc. The thing is, long distance relationships are the hardest type of relationship to deal with. I know that you want him back, but maybe it's for the best you broke up. Maybe (this is going to sound corny) this is fate telling you that maybe you're just not right for each other. Maybe fate is telling you that you just need to move on. My ex sounds a lot like yours. He's told me before he still loved me and crap and then ignores me. The thing is, you just need to move on. I'm sorry. You sound like a very caring girl, one that deserves a boyfriend to treat her right, so go find that man! Obviously your ex is not good for you if he ignore you. That's wrong. There is a guy out there way better than your ex. Heartbreak hurts hun, especially when it's long distance and you gave him all your time, and your heart, but if he broke up with you, then he doesn't deserve it. Find someone who does. Slowly, you'll move on. Don't let him and what you had with him hold you back. It's not worth it, and it causes you more pain.

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  • Hi! Okay, first of all, I am sorry I have to admit I didn't read everything. I would like to tell you my story- the short version. I was/ am a military brat, my family moved half- way around the world and I fell madly in love. My family stayed for 2 years and then went back to the other side of the world. I was 17 at the time, so I went along. I was on the phone for at least 3 hours a night. That was 6 years ago. Then 3 years ago I couldn't handle talking to him anymore, it juswt hurt too much. I loved/ love him so much, I couldn't stand him telling me stories and me not being part of them and his life! After that I started dating other men, but I never forgot about him. He was the love of my life. I just realized it too late. Maybe we were just too different, but I know we could have worked out. I have been to a therapist, he couldn't help me. I can't sleep at night without sleeping pills and I also had an eating disorder I am still fighting with.

    Last week I got his number from a friend. He had changed his number and moved, that is why I didn't have it anymore. I talked to him and he sounded the same like 5 years ago, but too much has happened and he is jsut too far away. I have always loved him though. I can't be with other men, it wouldn't be fair, I can't love them as much as I love/ loved him.

    Go get him back or try and forget about him! The forgetting takes years, and then when it finally starts he will cross your mind again. Good luck to you though!

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  • Your post is very long. I stopped reading halfway. It hints that you are uh... I don't know thw word. Anyway I also get the impression that he was not himself during the relationship.

    But most of all I wanted to tell you that I am a guy, and went through a similar thing, a girl that broke up with me suddently, saying sensless stuff, like as if she had a dual personnality. I still can't make any sense of it. I think I know what you are talking about when you say emotional roller coaster. I am not the same person anymore, although I still haven't resolved the reason for this breakup, except that I got involved in a difficult situation with someone I thought was sweet and fragile when all the facts pointed to the opposite. I still don't understand why and how and sometimes wish I could get my old happy self back, although it's cool to be more "mature" (if that's the word).

    You got my sympathy :) But what was with the super long post? Maybe you concentrate too much on details and should look at the bigger picture and try to summarize.

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  • I do agree with some people that you're wasting your time, I do know what your going through. I live in Italy, however my boyfriend is visiting family in the US. He has been gone for about 3 months now and with the time change there's not much time to talk.

    Reading books is not going to help you. Everyone is different and no relationship is equal. The problems you said are similar to the ones I've had before. If the love is true, you should fly home on his break. Surprise him. Work things out. You never know what could happen.

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  • you gotta figure out what you want. then go for it if it doesn't work then maybe that doesn't mean it was meant to be. maybe that means there is someone out there that can treat you better. you never know until you take a chance and try. by the way my first realationship was long distance and I really did love him but now we are just good friends we argue less now

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  • OMG. You broke up A YEAR ago! GET OVER HIM! Sheesh! You really gotta move on.

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    • Lol, this is funny reading this from 6 years ago. I wish I would be take your advice looking back.

      I'm gonna take it now though. I met someone else got engaged dated someone non long distance for 3.5 years and got dumped a month ago. Honestly rereading this post and what I wrote 6 years ago is helping me to understand that not moving on and still talking to an ex boyfriend is terrible for anyone's mental state. I just should've accepted that this Ryan guy was a moron for letting me go. Just like I need to accept that my ex fiancé is also a moron. He's letting go of something great. If I could tell my past self and future self something it would be that bad feelings pass and it's not wipers it to be with mor try to be with someone who is just perfectly ok to not have you in their lives. In realty my ex fiancé is a jack a$$ for leaving me. He needs to man up, make decisions, and be there for me. He wasn't. He made me feel bad. Yeah I'm sad but rereading this is an eye opener

  • Your situation sounds extremely similar to mine. Down to the facts that my ex was stationed in Galveston for the Coast Guard, I met him while he was here in Charleston visiting, how we were best friends and I saw him monthly even though it was long distance, and even the conversations about being close to each other -- and if he was going to get out/stay in/or be stationed where I am! Even down to his grandfather dying and him becoming very distant which led to the break up! Would love to talk to you ... because I completely understand. Do you have email?

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    • Yes. Let's do talk.

    • Ok - this is extremely weird. By the way my ex was in charleston a while ago. This summer he had mentioned it.

  • Oh my god girl! That was long, I'm sorry but I can't read of of that! But I read your question and I am going through that same thing. Do not worry okay? You will learn to forgive and forget everything that happened and soon he'll just be your ex and nothing more.

    Happened to me :)

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  • Definitely move on. You are still so young and have a full life ahead of you. It's hard, I know. I was going through something similar, but my story ended with him moving back to the country and city we met last year. I was told by many to move on, and by many to keep pursuing him and not giving up. I decided not to give up, but three weeks after we broke up (we broke up at the end of Feb, 2014,) he emailed me and we've been emailing and Skyping every week since then, and then this past Sunday he told me that is coming back here to continue studying (this city is not a city you want to live in unless you are studying... I only moved here to study and want to leave as soon as my Masters degree is done.) He is from Europe and I'm Canadian. It can work, and you have to fight for what you want, especially when love is involved; however, it seems like it's a push-pull situation and after a while it gets tiring if you're involved in it. I don't want to see you get hurt, especially since this has been going on for a long time. When distance is involved, it is hard, but it's harder if there is no end date (i. e.; if you're distance for x amount of months/years/whatever and after x you will be in the same city again, that's an end date.) I was prepared for a LDR with him, but we broke up because he was moving back to Europe. Now there is an end date and he is coming back here in four or five months (he's made so many plans with me, but we haven't talked about 'us' yet... that'll come shortly.) End dates make things easier. Follow your heart, for sure (I'm a big romantic and believe in true love,) and what is meant to be will be, but, for your sake at the moment, I would move on. You've tried so hard to make something work/happen and, if I'm being honest, it doesn't seem like he's trying on his end. I wish you luck. Never give up on finding that one true love :) He's out there somewhere, wherever he is.

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  • Please move on ...and just let him come back on his own if he ever will to do so. I stayed in a on and off relatioship for 4 years if he is not whiling to compromise to the relationship he will go out with somebody else that lives closer to him and will spend time with him... one day you could regret wasting your time.

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  • Hi dear,

    I'm so sorry to read about your breakup. It hurt me 'caz it brought me back in my black pit. I don't know if I could advice you but I can tell you my story

    I was in a long distance with my ex,for 2 years. I loved him a lot and I guess so did he. I helped him in every way we would courier gifts and write letters and talk for hours day in and out. I went to meet him to his city often and he would always say he would come but well due to some or the other reasons it wouldn't happen. We were going to get engaged and we planned our families to meet 3 months prior to the date I flew to meet him. I was going to his city with my family and we were all going to travel around as well. The evening before I shopped for him and his family and he spoke to me normally,and than that night his phone was on wait. He didn't talk to me even once. Imagine the frenzy I felt,I was going to see him and he didn't think it was important to answer my call ! When I reached he met me and told me he proposed another girl. That things happened really fast,I should forget him. And he left. 2 years and he forgot it in one night,worse he said was that if I had come 2 days earlier he would never have left me. WHATEVER !

    Anyhow,I was in his city living each day alone without him,living every moment alone which we promised we would spend together. I had a breakdown and was in depression. I lost an year at college,caz prior to my leaving to meet him 2 months before he made me quit my course caz he didn't like it and wanted me to study something else.

    It's still painful remembering the look in his eyes when I was so much in love with him. It's been an year. He's with that girl.

    You can't force someone to love you,if you can you can force them to be with you. Is it worth it? being with someone who doesn't want you? If loving the wrong person was so beautiful think about loving the one who loves you the way you love your bf.

    Let him go don't nag him. If you are around him all the time he would know if he wants you or no. Maybe if you just have no communication with him he might miss you and realize what he feels,and even you would get a chance to sort your feelings out.

    hugs.

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    • Wow...Michelle...alot of emotions in this letter....I haven't read others comments, but let me give you a little advise from someone that went through what you did....u don't really need to hear my story (maybe boring lol), but the advise I have is when a person decides its not what they wanted, even though everything seemed perfect, only means someone else has gatherd their attention. Excuses, arguments, hatred all are simply true communication breakdown. Distance does hurt, as new friends

    • I tried talking to him, prob for the last time - that convo ended with a text, and a last phone conversation in August saying he'd rather just be friends - and a week prior to him telling me that I was all that he ever wanted and that he still loved me. - he was the normal guy I loved. - I haven't tried initiating any conversations since. I just see myself trying to initiate something and failing

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