Guys: Why Do You Back Off?

Each time the guy I'm dating and I have a great weekend or a couple of consecutive days together, he tends to then go into a complete hibernation. Just when I think we're about to start moving into "swing by tonight?" I get nothing for a couple days with a follow up phone call..."work stuff, need some time to think some things through in my head" OK, go ahead...I make plans with the girls, and then boom, my phone will blow up Friday AND/or Saturday night, "where you at?" "who are you with?" "what are you doing?" "did you eat yet?" "ok, what about tomorrow?"

If you're backing me off, then back me off?!?!?!?!

Does he get scared once he's accomplished his task?

Now while I don't want a man who needs constant attention, I do like to plan SOMETHING this weekend.

I'm not comfortable with sitting around waiting to see if he's going to want to do something and then, should I really make myself that available to him? But half of me wants to because even if I'm out with the girls...in the back of my mind, knowing I could've been out with HIM is killing me...lol

Don't know if this is really a question but I'm open to any advice...ladies too! And thanks in advance, all of my wonderful GAG peeps! :D


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This could have to do with attachment issues. See, some people fear both extremes of attachment - abandonment and engulfment. They fear being alone so they get closer to you. But then they fear being too close, so they back off. Some people fear one or the other more. But others fear both and go back and forth like a pendulum. It's possible that this is why this guy keeps going back and forth.

    If that's the case, it can be frustrating. There are some tricks you can try in that situation. But you have to ask yourself if you really want to keep playing those games. If not, then you might want to talk to him about it directly. Explain that you understand he might be uncomfortable with either extreme and that's fine, but you'd rather he talk to you about it openly than keep going back and forth. Maybe you can help him become more aware of his fears and overcome them, but only if he's willing.

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    • I'm gona friend you so we can talk ok? You sound very helpful on this because you wrote exactly what I feel he's doing! And I am afraid to talk to him about it and quite frankly don't even know how I'd start the conversation. Just kinda thought we were too old for "the talk" ya know?

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What Guys Said 2

  • Guys like to wait awile to call back girls. They don't want ot seem eager or desperate. But I do agree with you guys should tell you what's up and you shouldn't have to wait for them to make a move on you. Maybe you have to start talking to more aggressive guys that will at least call you a lot or text you. a guy should know hwat he wants when he gets a certain age and shouldn't be playing high school cat and mouse games.

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    • Yes, I agree with the him being the age he is and I don't know really IF he's playing a game. I don't think I'm overly demanding and I don't think I want someone really aggressive...He just doesn't seem to perk up to me until I'm at the brink of, "i'm done trying here". Dating sucks!

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    • M not picky, looks wise, I don't think but girls say guys I date are handsome. I'm dodging all the 40something batista types at the gym...just not into that so I think comparatively the guys I date are not "fabio"'s lol but just someone nice, who doesn't want to argue all the time, doesn't question my whereabouts, ie...trusts me! and at the end of the day looks forward to going to sleep with me...too much? long distance wouldn't work for me personally and careerwise

    • Yeah that's good that you are not picky. But I agree I don't like arguing or posseviveness with questioning and all the other drama. Trust is really the big issue. a lot of guys have trust issues with their girls. I see it a lot with my friends and their girls. and I try not to be like that. If a girl is going out with her girlfriends you have to trust her and believe her. Their is always something lacking somebody can have most of the qualties and lacks something else.

  • Men typically are afraid of commitments when backing off...plan something for him and see what he says? Hope that helps!

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    • Plan what? I don't know what you mean by that. Jtlyk...i have not hit him with any commitment questions...I just assume that he's 48, I'm 40...do I really need to ask him to "go steady"? lol

    • You need to be assertive and plan something fun and see his reaction!!

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