I believe that I will never be nearly as happy as I was with her!

Last night I had a dream that I am with my ex girlfriend again, I was having the most amazing time with her and felt as happy in that dream as I was in real life with her 2 years ago. I had a few of those kind of dreams already withing the last 2 years but last night was just too much. I woke up realizing that was just a dream so my heart started pounding like crazy, sweating and depressed so bad that I started crying like a little girl and I never cried like that since I was 12 or so. At the same time I feel so frustrated because I feel like someone is torturing me like this, laughing at me (Devil?..) Because getting me to the point of ultimate happiness and the next minute getting me utterly depressed like never before, just doesn't seem like a natural event. But yeah, that is the top reason of why it's so painful, going from such high to such low in no time. And instead of getting over her with time like I thought I would, it only gets more painful every time.

Sometimes I am able to go for a couple weeks without thinking about her, but then I see something that reminds me about her or I get a dream about her and I am back to level 1.

The thing is deep inside I believe that I will never be nearly as happy as I was with her and when I think about that, that's when I get the most depressed. But when I don't think about that I can occupy myself with something else and forget about it.

Also the reason it gets the worst right after a dream about her is because in the dreams me and her are together, happy and trustworthy. But in reality she will never be able to trust me again and never want to be with me. So I have grown angry (to put it lightly) at her instead of being sad about it. Because anger doesn't feel nearly as bad as depression. But yeah, after a dream about her I feel depressed about her, not angry, which is why that's when it is the worst.

So what am I supposed to do? Even if I manage to not think about her most of the time. I still get dreams about her regularly which leave me depressed for weeks and get worse every time. There is nothing I can do about that, and I don't know how the hell I am supposed to live with that forever.

Trying to get back with her is not an option because after all that happened 2 years ago chances of that are unimaginably slim to none. She hasn't even said a single word to me ever since then.

Finding someone else, possible but unlikely, not just because she was so good in every way, it's extremely hard to find someone even remotely as intelligent, cultured, kinds and beautiful as her, but also because I have now become so messed up psychologically that no woman will want to date with me because people think I am a creep (some say that straight to me) but in reality I think that inside I am a sociopath already. Because of not being able to express anger in any way, it just comes out on other people and the rest keeps building up. So you can see how I don't have much chance at dating..
I believe that I will never be nearly as happy as I was with her!
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