He said either I went along with it or he moved out with her. HELP!!! please I really need advice.

Please be patient this is a long one. it all started nearly 16 years ago, when I got together with my husband, he had just split up from someone who he'd been with for 3 years and they had a daughter, his ex took this child back to where his ex was originally from, my husband and his family all told me that this child wasn't biologically his, and no she doesn't look anything like my husband or anyone in his family or even our 2 children, he has red hair and blue eyes and our sons have red hair and blue eyes all his family have the same and this girl has brown eyes and dark brown hair, even facial features don't match, anyway my husband and I moved on with our lives got married had 2 boys who are now 9 and 13 years. there was a brief period 6 years ago when his ex got back in contact but that didn't last long. she got back in contact with my husband 9 months ago saying their daughter wanted to meet him, which I didn't have a problem with when it all started. my husband works away form Monday to Friday all over the country mostly in London, we live in Yorkshire. when he works away we always talked every night either on the phone or on the computer. like any normal couple we've had had our problems but we worked through them and for the past couple of years everything's been great, but then he started spending 4 nights a week with his daughter at the flat that she shared with her mother, this girls a couple of months short of 17. and then she started coming up to Yorkshire for an occasional weekend to see him, but me and our children weren't allowed to meet her he used to stop in a b&b with her and I wasn't allowed to call him or have any contact with my husband from the moment she arrived until after she left. and when he was home with me and the kids he used to spend all his free time talking to her on the computer or the phone talking and texting. he stopped taking us out or doing anything with us apart from helping us pay the bills and doing the food shopping and he would make our children stay home when we did. the only time we talked it was always about her, if I tried discussing us or our children he would switch the conversation back to her, anyway just recently he started saying that she was having problems at home, and last Friday night he let me listen in to one of there arguments, both her and her mother were screaming and shouting and swearing at each other. he asked me if she could come and stay with us and I said yes thinking that it was going to be for the weekend or the week until they both calmed down and then she would go home again, but when she was already on the coach coming here, he told me she was going to live with us permanently, but I said she couldn't because we don't have the space or the money to support anyone else. and I've never even met the girl and he was going to leave us alone with her from Monday to friday. but when I said all that to him he said either I went along with it or he moved out with her

Updates:
he did move out with her a week ago now he has made himself homeless and quit his job, last week he said he loved me and this week he's saying he used to to love me, but not anymore, because of the things I've said and done to him, although he has
said and done equally nasty things, and now his saying that all we will be is the best of friends, when last week he was telling I was the love of his life

she has also told me that my kids will be fine not seeing their father again because her brothers done it and he's OK, she also told me that we should stop clinging to him and let him go, she called me on Friday night to say all that, I love him so much
and I thought we had a good marriage, but I don't know what to do next

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Wow, I think this question is a little too heavy for GaG.

    I highly suggest that you try counseling or mediation. Your husband may be channeling all his frustrations about his ex into improving their child or maybe he's going through some sort of crisis, either way, what you need is an unbiased third party who has had experience in dealing with family problems. If you are having trouble affording this, look at local non-profit groups. Many hold counseling sessions at a reduced rate or for free.

    Best of luck, I really hope your situation improves.

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    • I asked him about doing that, but he said no, he wasn't prepared to do it,

    • I'd really try pressuring him into doing it or asking someone he trusts to try to convince him to do it. Unfortunately, it seems like it's your only shot.

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What Guys Said 3

  • maybe you could try talking to the ex to get her daughter to move back

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  • so is he having sex with her?

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    • Why did someone rate this down? she danced around the issue through that wall of text. if that's what it is, you might be able to get a blood test and hope they're related.

    • He has said he has no doubt she is his daughter even though up until this year he said he doubted it, as for sex he says no

    • Then maybe you should consider letting her stay at your house.

  • Wow this is in the too hard basket, sounds like a soap opera, you need professional advise or my advise it to do nothing it will sort it self out...

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What Girls Said 2

  • I am sorry but when he told you that you were not allowed to have contact with him while he visited with her I would have told him to go to hell. Obviously something is going on between them. How many years has it been that they have been apart? He should visit with the daughter and that is it.

    To have the nerve to ask if she can come stay with you? I would have left that moment. How disrespectful to you. He is a slime ball and I would never ever put up with his ex staying with you guys. You need to speak up and tell him you have had it and this is not right and if he loves you she needs to leave. If he wants to move out with her tell him to go for it! You deserve better

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  • I saw your updates and you ask what to do next? Think of how selfish your husband is being and how disrespectful to you and your children. Do you really want to be with someone who is treating you this way? He moved out with her! He has obviously been having an affair with her and had the nerve to want her to move in. I would get rid of him and tell him what a piece of sh*t he is!

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