I feel nothing for her anymore. Just feel bad for her. What do I do?

We're both 35 years old. Been married 12 years. Two kids. Stood by me while I fought workers comp and got through a bad injury. I've helped her through plenty too. It's been twelve years, a lot has happened.

She's never been a particularly affectionate person. Intimacy wasn't a priority for her. I've told her constantly, I needed more. She threatened to leave me or that I'd wasted her life each time she wanted to get pregnant unless we had a kid. Said she'd change and be more available (not just sex). Each time it hasn't happened. She's distant, has no passion, and I feel like a roommate that has been used as a sperm donor.

I've told her all of this. Told her I am tired of feeling like I'm only needed, not wanted. Told her I've fallen out of love with her. I'll always be there for my kids though. She says she loves me but there'd be no way to tell honestly. I told her I wanted a divorce but she's wanting me to "give her a chance." This has happened before and it was different for a couple weeks only, then back to the same indifference, passionless pecks on the cheek, and keeping me at arm's length at all times. I don't want to give her a chance. I feel like I'm done.

I feel like shit though. It's been twelve years with her. I'm utterly miserable and don't think it's going to get better. Considering the time that's been invested, either I call it quits and give my best effort to be happy, or I stay and spend the time I have left feeling unloved because of feeling indebted to her.

What's you guys/gals opinions?


Most Helpful Girl

  • You want to try. Not that you haven't tried; it's just, you're married. MARRIED. Plus you have kids. You want to try every conceivable solution before throwing in the towel.

    I recommend both of you attend marriage counseling, and really do what the doctor says to do. And also I recommend both of you read the book The Five Love Languages.

    Also, I only ask because you didn't specify in the details: are you yourself putting in the effort to make her feel special as well?

    Good luck. I really hope you can find a way to make it work. 12 years is no joke.

    • I've tried. I cook her favorite meals (I'm a great cook), she's not hungry. I get her flowers, she gets mad. I try to give her a playful smack on the butt or something that shows I'm interested in her, she acts like I just dropped my pants and mooned everyone in public. I do chores (her biggest complaint is that I don't contribute), and she spends the next hour lecturing me on why it's wrong and now I've wasted her time because she's gotta redo them.

    • That's really tough. Has she always been that way?

    • Not when we were dating. She started getting more closed off after I was injured and temporarily disabled but she still married me. She was almost completely closed off by the time we got married. I kept hoping she'd come back after I was healed. I've been too scared to leave her. I don't want to be alone. But now... I don't know... I think I'm now more scared of feeling alone with someone right next to me...

Most Helpful Guy

  • Man.. On one side I feel a little envy that you were able to go through the birth of 2 children.. Together! On the other, I feel that wanting to get out! I usually say it's cheaper to keep her, but if things are going to end bad for the kids, then roll out. Get a divorce attorney and file for joint custody.

    • Yeah, I don't want our kids to feel like I abandoned them at all... But I also don't want them to get the idea that this is what a relationship is supposed to be... My dad stayed with my mom "for the kids" and ended up shooting himself because of depression. (He did survive but he was a different person afterwards)

    • You have to choose.. Nobody else can tell you. I don't know your situation through a couple paragraphs, and at that wouldn't matter anyway.

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What Girls Said 0

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What Guys Said 3

  • Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You've not said enough to make a determination. A couple of traits is using people and no empathy for others. Could be life has just gotten monotonous. That happens...

    • Are you saying she'd be the one with the disorder or myself? Or both?

    • Her... My ex was extreme. Took me way to long too see it. Just look into it.

  • How much are you going to lose in divorce?

    • Probably have to sell our house and split it, plus child support. I don't think she'll sue for alimony in addition. Honestly no idea. Hard to put a monetary value on happiness though.

    • Well she will sue for alimony so I would recommend talking to a lawyer

  • Im still young but i would say if you have fallen out of love and told them and they refuse to change maybe its time to move on, if you're unhappy you need to do whats best for you and at 35 years old that leaves plenty of time to focus on yourself and also just your kids. Time to enjoy being single maybe perhaps.


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