Now, I'll start with the basics. I am 20 years old, and my boyfriend and I are 11 years apart. We've been together for 2 1/2 years now. I am a sophomore in college and have lived in a town of 100 people, a high school of 200 people until I did attend college last year. I love this man, I do, and we've gone through our ups and downs like any relationship has. We've very rarely had a full-out fight, but that's mostly because I am very considerate and I am often the one to back off. I'd rather him be happy than try to defend something that seems... not important after I think about it. I care very much about him.
Its just... I've done bad things. I did cheat on him a couple times and he knows about them, we broke up over it this summer and he took me back a week later. Of course, the trust is strained and he gets nervous if I have interactions with guys, such as a phone call or text on my phone. To ease his insecurities, I gave him permission to look through my texts... and he has done so twice with me sitting right there. There is always temptation, but I would rightly feel like I was betraying him if I gave in to them. I understand temptation is normal, but the fact that I so desperately want a rush, my heart to race and leap into my throat... I don't get that anymore.
I love him, I love cuddling with him... he's the off button to my anxiety with physical contact but he's also been my emotional crutch. I get clingy, and he makes me feel clingy.
He is bipolar as well and is easily irritated. Usually, I can be the one to soothe that irritation, but I've always also tried my damnedest not to irritate him. I give him much more than he gives me. He can be a sweetheart and I love him for it so much...
But I'm young. I work, I go to college, I have friends who I have most definitely deprived because I'd rather be with him... and there's a lot I'd like to experience.
But I can't bear the thought of breaking up with him, or not being with him.. but right now, I am tired. I could do without. I could. And I don't know what to do. Its almost Christmas, and I have finals coming up. I don't want to do it right now, but its making me anxious.
I almost feel like... he's holding me back somehow, but he's helped me grow in ways too. I just need to become more of an individual. I've depended on him for my comfort, security and not to be lonely...for so long. I don't need other friends when I have my best friend to spend time with.
I know that there is a very big possibility that I could be happy if only we had some space, but still stayed together. I could be content with that... maybe that fire could come back too... But beyond the familiarity, the comfort... do I want to? Or should be enjoying my youth... single?
He is my first boyfriend and we still do have a deep bond. I understand him more than most people, but I know we both still have our walls, even after 2 1/2 years. That's not what bothers me... but do I really want to give up the familiarity
Most Helpful Guy
have a final heart-to-heart talk and lay everything out on the table...don't mention breakup, but see what his response is...if it's crap, then just walk away and let him figure it out that it's over...i'd recommend you be friends with the better interest to see if things are really great, and not just a fling...let him (new guy) know that you want to be more, and explain your reasoning0