Putting the past behind you with an ex?

Ok so recently I have talked a little with the ex I split up with a little over 2 months ago. It has been a tough few months but I am over the worst of it and moving on with my life. I have accepted we will not get back together and she seems keen to be friends again. I miss her at times but the idea of friends doesn't seen as impossible as it did 2 months ago.

She has a new boyfriend whom I've met before and he is a nice guy so I would'nt do anything to jeopardise their relationship.

We've had a few brief chats about general stuff/ life etc which is fine but we have not had any proper chat about our relationship.

I don't want to stew over the past too much but at the same time she did a few hurtful things that were out of line.

Now we're talking again I don't know whether to bring this up or let things remain in the past. It's nice to talk to her again and it's great that we are getting along but at the same time it bugs me that she acts like nothing happened. I don't want to upset her or think that I hold some grudge towards her because I don't but I also believe in standing up for yourself.

I just feel if we are going to be friends I should not be keeping this to myself as I think I deserve an apology as much as anything. I'm just wondering how to bring up these feelings without coming across bitter?

Updates:
Thanks for the advice guys. Reading your posts has made me realize I'm still in love with her and not ready to have any sort of relationship with her. I'm going back to NC. I was doing OK before I heard from her and speaking with her has just brought back
the painful feelings. I wasn't thinking about her half as much as I am now again. I'm going to ignore any communication and only bring everything up if I have to. I really don't see the point in being friends as I don't want to be close to her that way.
Although the one thing I have learnt is that NC really is the best way to get over heartbreak!

0|0
106

Most Helpful Girl

  • Do you think it would be worth it to still say something to her about these things you don't have closure with? Sometimes this need for closure never ends, but if it is unbearable, sometimes it can make you feel better to let it out, too (reasonably without making yourself look bad). I wrote out a lot of the thoughts and feelings I was having down, all of it. Wait a day, wait a few days, read it over to see if it's reasonable and not going to make you look too bad (although what is going on in your mind, the answers you need, and knowing what is reasonable sometimes can only be found to be reasonable once a dialogue has been started with the other person). It really depends on all of the little details of what happened between the two of you. My heart goes out to you, I've been through it, I think many people do nowadays. Good luck and try to focus on other things that make you feel good about life (exercise, activities, job or getting a better job) - that is what I try to do. Take care, I hope this helps.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Hey highp,

      I think it would be nice to have closure and writing things down is a really good idea. She's a friendly and outgoing girl but really bad at communicating her feelings and I know she'll either get really defensive or sit their in silence so I'm not even sure what sort of closure I'll get but if the opportunity arises I will say something. I'm just not going to go out of my way to get my point across unless I have to as the less contact I have with her I think the better.

    • I think considering the current circumstances, do what is best for you to protect yourself. Sometimes it takes time for people's defences to come down. Personally, when I've been able to afford it, taking a trip can really help during times like these. Good luck, take care

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 9

  • ask her in general conversation about her new relationship and say what if he did this to you ( one of the things she did to u) how would you feel, its just that she needs to understand that if she really likes this new guy you honestly don't want her to make the same mistakes she had made in your previous relationship. Explain that you are a better person for what she did in the past because you now know that you would not let it happen in any new relationship you have. This is why we have relationships to grow and learn new things about ourselves so that we can improve and to progress into a happy healthy relationship where trust respect and love is of high importance. just my opinion.

    good luck

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think it's a good idea to make sure everything is "settled" and everything has been said before you can completely move on. I'd say take her out for coffee, and bring it up as something that you've been thinking about and that you really need to discuss with her. You won't come off as bitter as long as you show that you are calm and not trying to put the blame on anyone, just that you need the chance to ask for an explanation/apology.

    Good luck!

    0|0
    0|0
  • Oh, also, if you send it as a letter, it would be something that she could come back to time and again, and you could get stuff off of your chest too without having to face her face-to-face, which can scare people into freezing. The thing is, you need to accept that she might not respond. At least you could know that she knows what is bothering you and that you did everything you could. Personally, it makes me feel better to not hold stuff in and to know that I did everything I could. But, like I said, there is a 50/50 chance that you won't get the anser you're looking for (which can hurt).

    0|0
    0|0
  • Depends on why you broke up. Was it mutual? Did it have to do with distance? From the bits of info you've given, I think, if I were in your position, it would be too hard to maintain a friendship with someone I loved (still sort of love) and who is dating someone else. I've been in this situation (twice) due to distance, I felt deceived, we are not friends. It sucks but .. so it goes.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Wait sorry I just re-read your post and I can't delete my initial response. If you really feel like you can just be friends, but you need some closure with certain issues, I'd be upfront and say it. And say that it isn't coming from being bitter. I'd say what you've said on here - you can be friends, but some things still bug you.

  • I think if its important to you then I would tell her how you feel. Just use your words wisely. By that I mean don't go on the attack, just simply state how you feel. I am oddly enough in a similar situation. It is hard to just be friends, especially when the other person is seeing someone. I think time will make it better,

    0|0
    0|0
  • I don't know. Sure she isn't trying to get you back through jelousy? Maybe you can tell her if she'd like to talk 'us' to let you know because you don't want to jepordize things? but just drop it at a comfortable time, and then be ready to leave so things don't get uncomfortable? She'll get the message that you are not going to break her new relationship, and that she'll have to make the move. You just give her invate. ?dunno?

    0|0
    0|0
  • She is probably acting like nothing happend because it's less akward. If she talked about your relationship all the time or even sometimes, it would get awkward and probably ruin your friendship. In my opinion, I think you should just let it go. You guys are friends now, all is well and it's time for you to move on. If she did it, you can.

    0|0
    0|0
    • I understand that and I don't want to bring up the relationship all the time. It's the fact we haven't brought it up at all. I'm not sure how to move past it unless we address it. I'm not planning on making a big deal about it but I do think I deserve more than zero explanation. It's difficult because we share friends and so inevitably we will see each another again. I feel like I have to say something and if we can't be friends then so be it as I'm getting by OK now without her around.

  • I think it's best to keep her out of your life.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think ex's should be friendly, but not friends. I can tell you that if you try to hang out it can bring up a lot of memories, both good and bad, that are too much.

    With that said, if you really want to give it a shot, you will have to be able to get past feeling bitter about anything she did to you. If you honestly, in your heart of hearts, know that you are over it and don't care anymore, then you can calmly ask her for an apology. Just be prepared that you might not get the reaction you are looking for and you might also realize you are not over her or what she did, and you will be back to square one of needing to get over all of this. It's not like it will kill you, so worth a try, but it could also be worth just letting her go.

    0|1
    0|0

What Guys Said 6

  • > it bugs me that she acts like nothing happened

    Your needs from an ongoing relationship are so different as to be irreconcilable any time soon.

    > I [don't] hold some grudge towards her vs I think I deserve an apology

    You have an internal conflict to resolve here. You do in fact resent that she didn't apologise.

    > I was doing OK before I heard from her and speaking with her has just brought it back

    > I realize I'm still in love with her and not ready to have any sort of relationship with her

    Good move. Not at all bitter, just a mature recognition that your needs are too different to accommodate without a lot of pain for you. Friendship with her is not worth it unless she remains such a close friend that she is a critical part of your emotional support infrastructure.

    > I really don't see the point in being friends as I don't want to be close to her that way.

    Well never say never, but it certainly wouldn't do you any favours until a number of years and possibly a few more relationships have passed.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Stop talking to her. That's the best way to move on. Don't admit your feelings to her because it will get you nowhere, and staying around her in any way will just cause you mizery. She has used the "just friends" card to ease off of you slowly. She KNOWS how you feel about her trust me, and she is just laughing her ass off because you are still there for her while she is boning someone else. She has all the things she had with you during your relationship with her except she doesn't have to commit to you, and she is giving her prize to someone else while you have a front row seat. Girls do this all the time. That is not a friendship... Move on, never talk to her again, date other girls, and have fun with your life. That is truly moving on. That's not being bitter, that's moving on with your life and getting what you deserve.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I still don't understand how people can befriend their exes after a nasty break-up. Personally, I'd advise you to steer clear of her and just move on with your life completely. However, if you see that you could truly be friends with her, and expect the little things that are bothering you at the moment to go away, by all means go for it.

    Most of the times, exes can't be real friends due to awkwardness or lack of closure. In your case, it's the latter. I still say you should forget her. It'd be the best for you.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Hey bubbleboy. It wasn't a bad break up. She just did a few things at the end of the relationship that I thought was a little immature. I guess I'm more annoyed with myself for not bringing it up then but I was so hung up on her at the time I let her take advantage. Like I said it wasn't anything awful but I know she will get under my skin if I act like nothing happened. It's going to be difficult to avoid her when she is home for the hols as we live in a small town and have the same friends.

    • Oh man, that bites. In that case, you really only have two options: have a talk and get these things sorted out (emphasize on the fact that you're just trying to settle things, not stir trouble) or act like nothing happened, which may be unnerving. I believe the former of the two would be the obvious best solution.

  • The best advice is to do what you want. Doing what is best for the relationship is no longer your priority because you have to do what is best for yourself. From your posts it sounds to me like its necessary to get it off your chest otherwise you'll just snap. When you talk explain that if she truly wants to be friends then she has to hear you out. It does sound like you need closure to finally move on but something to think about is she ready to answer those questions? One of my ex's is so bad with her feelings that she has no idea what she wants so she just gets upset anytime you press her for an answer. Don't let this happen to you. Go into the conversation knowing that it might blow up. No matter what just remain calm and hope that she does too. Good luck I hope it works out the way you want it too.

    0|0
    0|0
  • What exactly did she do to mess things up though?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Yep I know exactly how you feel. I went through the exact same problem a year ago. I was dating a girl and she suddenly stopped talking to me (we were dating for 2 months) a month later she got a new BF, but had absolutely no closure with me.

    I started talking to her again on a friendly basis but I felt really disrespected. I eventually confronted her about it in a well written email. She responded that she felt I was trying to take advantage of her while we were dating...that's why she left. However I never knew I was doing anything wrong.

    She ended up getting screwed over by that guy and we started dating again from scratch. It didn't last long, she jumped right into another relationship. However this time we had a sit down.

    Long story short she just wasn't interested in me and I had no real chance of getting her back. She just started dating me again out of guilt.

    It sounds like you still like this girl and are heartbroken. I know that sucks and I know you are trying to be a man about it. I respect that you are respecting her new relationship. I know I had zero respect for my ex's new BF(s).

    However no matter what you say or wish for you are not going to have her back in the way you want. It's not your problem, it's hers.

    I would speak your mind and move on. Do not torture yourself by being in the friend zone. You deserve better than that. I know that's way easier said than done...but it really is the right answer.

    Remember a woman's interest in a man MEANS EVERYTHING. If she likes you, she will won't disrespect you. She won't dump for no good reason. Just because she is still talking to you doesn't mean she has high interest in you. She is just converting you into one of her girlfriends. You and I know that's bullsh*t.

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...