Am I headed for heartbreak being with someone that can't express intimate emotions?

My girlfriend is currently pregnant (12 weeks) which may contribute to her not wanting to be around me but it's not the root of the problem.

We met online and hit things off really well by sharing a lot of the same opinions and enjoying the same things. Besides that we are both very private people.

I took things really slow with her and gave things lots of time to develop.

After being together for a few months she admitted that she sometimes has trouble displaying affection but she tried with me and we did the usual hugging, kissing, looking in each others eyes, etc.

In the almost 6 months we've been together we've been intimate 4 times. Now I would love to be intimate everyday but I was willing to give her all the time and space she needed to get physically comfortable with me. I am in love with this woman. Even with the limited physical contact I have absolutely no desire to go outside our relationship for sex.

Just before the pregnancy though I could tell she was having a hard time expressing any type of physical or emotional intimacy or feelings. We haven't slept in the same bed for about 2 months now. We don't touch each other, cuddle, kiss, hold hands, nothing. She has shut down everything.

I try to discuss it with her and she deflects the questions and we start arguing about petty things. Now we can't even discuss this.

I've tried to be patient but this is killing me. I guess I have the same question as the OP.

Am I setting myself up for a big heartbreak? Is someone like this ever going to be capable of expressing emotions to me.

She sleeps in a separate room with her 2 dogs(they sleep in bed with her) she shuts the door and I sleep alone.

I will be a responsible father but I don't want to be part of a loveless relationship.

I'm a very affectionate person but I'm not over clingy. In fact ex girlfriends wanted me to be a little more affectionate!

Updates:
Great news. Maybe our big argument last night paid off. She cuddled with me on the couch tonight to watch a movie! I know it doesn't seem like a lot but its a step in the right direction for us.
Got home from work today and she wasn't happy to see me. It's safe to say that her feelings have changed. She asked "why I had to be so needy" tonight. not a good sign. If not for the baby she probably would have ended the relationship already.
should I just back off and leave her alone at this point?
I've worn my heart on my sleeve the last 2 days. Didn't sleep last night, anxious all day today. Got home and she's in her room sleeping. I think I'll have that talk with her tonight. I can't function like this.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You cannot survive in an emotionally unavailable relationship. I would suggest getting the book for her called, "The courage to Heal" and you don't have to pry but be honest about how it is affecting you, giver her the book, and say "you don't have to read it and I don't know if you need it or not but its a book that follows your comfort level if you have something you don't want to talk about with me that you want to heal".. That's what I would do. But after that, I would say you need to take a break from her because relationships don't thrive on such little intimacy-emotional or sexual.

    I have been married to a man who can hardly talk about the smallest problems so we can fix them. I have been through Hell and back trying to make it work but I have learned a lot about myself, my self-worth, what I attracted because of past issues, etc. I then worked on me, realized that this relationship was a blessing for me. I looked for what I needed to heal from all of this. I think now I am finally ready to move on. Its so scary, but there is a time when self-respect is time to take place. I would get a phenomenal book for yourself called, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Luis L. Hay. There is also the all time best of all marriage/couple books by Dr. John Gottman called, the 7 pillars of marriage? sorry having a hard time remembering but my teachers recommended it, among others. The author watched married couples over the years(literally, cameras in homes) and has incredible research and skills in this book-but its easy & interesting reading-not some huge text book. He can predict with 90 percent accuracy(incredible in world of psychology) which couples will last and which will split. So knowing the skills from that book is great. I would start with yourself though. If you want answers about your dear loved one, I would recommended calling an energy therapist-no it is not crap try it once. They can work over the phone they are amazing at helping you grow in the direction you need-rather it saves your relationship or you grow apart for someone ready for love.

    Two other books you might like. First, "How to Raise Your Self-Esteem" by Nathanial Branden-the base of everything and tons of good info you might not have thought of.

    Last of all, "Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?" third edition. Honestly I think Most if not all people should read this book.

    I wish you well. It sounds like she is dealing with(sorry if too personal) abuse in the past and does not want to speak of it. intimacy of any kind- anything that opens emotions or sexual sensation could be terrifying to her. You could recommend a therapist. or even couples counseling. That is why I recommended that book "The Courage to Heal" try to be general and leave it with her but if she isn't ready to heal I promise you are not the one who can do it for her and giving up years of your life in a lonely relationship isn't going to help you. You can care and Just let her know kindly.

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    • You and Danielsan are correct in assuming past abuse. I'm not sure what happened but she told me she was abused at a younger age. She has not told me by whom.

      I never thought to connect her actions now with the abuse. If this is in fact affecting her I feel really bad. I did some searching on google on abuse victims and it's opened up a whole new world for me to look at.

      I'm going to be honest here, I'm scared of what's going to happen now. What if she doesn't trust me and won't open up?

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 8

  • As a girl who also has trouble with emotions I hope I can help.

    1) Do you know why she's so distant in the first place? Knowing the background to her problems could be a comfort for both of you.

    2) Since she's pregnant her lack of affection might not have anything to do with you. I know I'm emotionally distant because I'm very bad at reading other people/don't trust their expressions. She may feel undesireable due to all the stuff going on in her body, and her heightened hormones could be feeding insecurities that were already there.

    I think you should sit her down and just be plain honest. About your feelings towards her, how her behavior is making you feel, and how you want to progress. Chances are it'll give her the push she needs to open up.

    On the other hand it could go bad and she could shut down altogether, which would be a nightmare for both of you. But if you want to make a change I think you need to take the risk.

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    • Thank you xbezz. I have discussed her behavior with her multiple times but I've never really gotten an answer to why she acts the way she does. These discussions lead to bad emotions and she says that makes her not want to be close to me.

    • Maybe you need to give her an ultimatum. Wake her up, yknow? Does she want to be with you or does she want you to leave. Whatever her issues are, she shouldn't be taking them out on you, and it's clear that her behavior is making you depressed. Not even someone with emotional problems has a right to do that.

      I'm not saying abandon her, which I don't think you'll do, since there's a child involved.

  • just go about your life try be confidant posative its her hormones but she should nott be doing this to you I'm sorry for this it must be hurting you but I will say you need to sit her down and tell her what she's doing to you and you feel shut out maybe she needs a little jolt pregnant or not I thik you have spoiled her with your love just be there for her and maybe have a night out away from her see if she misses you go see a family member give her few hours on her own I understand you love her but you also need your respect I hope all is OK but don't over think things some woman won't let a man near her some love sex and crave it it just depends on the woman

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  • I think you are between a rock and a hard spot! This girl needs professional help and quickly as things will not improve as the pregnancy moves along!

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  • You've got face your fears & put yourself out there. It might help to not make eye contact when talking, then it won't feel so intimiate...

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  • I'm impressed you managed to have sex with her. If she doesn't get better soon, leave her and find someone who can fulfill your needs. You can be a wonderful father without being with his or her mother.

    You're not needy. She's just way too cold. It's normal for a couple to kiss/hold hands/hug, etc from time to time. I'm not really coupley but she's a lot worse than I am.

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  • A lotOf guys depending on age act differently if he's a teenager it's common guys are jerks at thought ages. But good guys do exist you just have to get to know a guys pretty well.

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  • I'm seriously scared for this child. If she has the same lack of emotion for the child as she does for you then the poor kid is not going to have a very good life and will surely have psychological problems down the road.

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  • I've been in a relationship similar to yours. Bottom line is that unless she wants to change (she sees her problem as something that will chase you away and steps up and says she isn't willing to sacrifice you but that she's seeking therapy), nothing will change. You cannot change her. You cannot have enough love for the both of you. The reality is that you will continue to sleep in a separate bed, continue to be starving for love, for intimacy, and for sex for as long as you are committed to her. Further, you will not be able to seek it outside the relationship because of the kind of guy you are (and good for you for that).

    Stand back and ask yourself, with the person she is today, can you see yourself dedicating your life and heart to this person? Will it bring you joy? Will you get what you need out of the relationship? Imagine that she changes NOTHING about herself when you ask yourself these questions.

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What Guys Said 5

  • She is not attracted to you. You need to be less attached to a certain outcome she can feel that you need her. You are being needy as she said. You need to back off and be yourself do the things you want give her space in the sense that your doing other things and having a good time and so she has space as a result not because you are greeting a empty void that you are right on the other side of that is not space.

    Don't wear you heart on your sleeve definitely don't "talk with her" don't be so friken attached your pushing her away and it kills me because it is a mistake I have made before. You whether you want to believe it or not are acting very insecure and she is looking at you wondering if you will be able to provide for the family she has on the way and the way your acting makes her think NO. So man up put on a good front and focus on the things you can do for you.

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  • She has affection issues. Probably due to lack of while she was growing up. Or she just doesn't want to with you. Most pregnant women are clingy to an extent. Yours has shut the door, and threw away the key, as it seems.

    Is she on any medication? If so, what kind and for what.

    Also, if there has been such a lack of intimacy, why did you even think about having sex without a condom? Aside for the fact that it feels better without one.

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    • Hi Roman,

      When we first met we were great together. At the time we were making progress at being intimate, every day was better than the last and I really felt this was the woman I'd be with forever. I'd still like that but I'm not sure how that's going to happen now. No medications (that I know of)

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    • It's starting to look that way. Today I got home from work and she was not happy to see me. We didn't spend any time together tonight and when I complained (I shouldn't have) she asked why I had to be so needy.

      I'm not taking that as a good sign and It is looking like it's a no win situation for me.

    • Update: Dude, I say grab her with both of your hands on her arms, look her in the eye and tell her this is the way you want it, or it's done. That you're just flat out too tired, and exhausted of the bull.

  • This is really ridicolous.

    I'm shocked you were able to get her pregnant...

    You need to leave her. This isn't going to go anywhere. You have given her more than enough time.

    Perhaps offer to pay for an abortion so your not leaving her in the lurch with a baby and then break up with her. Or if that's against your morals just tell her your going to support her but at the rate its going you can live on your own and have a girl that cares about you and expresses that AND take care of your duties to your child. She shouldn't mind you moving out or being with another girl since she oviously doesn't want you.

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    • Thanks Daniel,

      your comment means a lot to me. I'm so happy I found this site, I've been keeping this bottled up!

      As for the baby I do not want an abortion. I think we could raise a happy healthy child without having a relationship between us. We're responsible adults. Leaving her would be extremely difficult but I feel as if she's pushing me that way. I'll keep trying but in the end there's not much that's going to happen without efforts from both of us. I hope for a positive outcome.

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    • I have put effort into this and my efforts may be actually pushing her away? I've been on the other side of the coin too. Things don't look good for this relationship.

    • ya I'm sorry...but when your at this point your looking for a way out not a solution to hold the relationship together

  • Get her to have an abortion, make sure she gets professional help and leave it well enough alone. You are headed for epic disaster/heartbreak.

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  • Its sounds like you keep chasing after her. That has been blowing up in your face. Have you tried doing the exact opposite. How about completely ignoring her. Instead of coming straight home after work, go out and do stuff. Instead of chasing her down for a conversation when you get home, do something else...read abook, get on the internet, read a book. She doesn't want you to be clingy, fine, show her on un-clingy you can be. Ignore her! Her interest level is at rock bottom. You need to rekindle things. If you start growing distant from her, this will peak her curiosity, you can't crumble though as soon as she starts showing interest. You have to slowly work back to where you once were. It sounds like you really need a change of tactics right now. Start living your life...your a train moving forward, if she wants a ride she can hop on or get left behind.

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