Did I chase away the perfect guy?

it's been a bit of a rough road for me.

I was abused as a child. Then turned around and got into a bad relationship with a guy who used me as his own personal sex toy. And I let him.

I was beginning to see I need to get out of that relationship a little over a month ago when I came on this forum and asked a question.

it was answered by a guy wo's advise was very insightful.

we spoke every day after that about everything. Politics, religion, the state of the world, deep stuff.

two weeks ago, I let my ex. Largely because of the new found strength this other guy had helped me find.

We were conversing as friends, then shortly after I slpit with my ex, things things turned a bit deeper.

a few days ago, we exchanged photos.

This guy knows all about me by now.

in the course of one month, we have exchanged 600 email. Taking about everything and anything. We could answer each others questions before we asked them - really! I would ask a question. Sent it, and at the same time another email would arrive with him writing an answer to that very question!

We were very in sync.

He lives in a different country, and started talking about me coming there to live. We spoke of him coming here to visit. Two days ago he spoke of going to the travel agency to find out about a trip here and then how nice Hawaii would be for a honey moon.

I told him things were moving really fast for me.

he knows a ton about me, yet he doesn't speak about his own person stuff as much. Little by little he has told me stuff, but there is still a lot left to know.

I started asking some "loaded questions as he called it. Like "Could you be content to JUST hold a woman at times with no sex?" (My ex was a sex nut. The answer for him would have been NO!).

my questions hurt my new guy. He suddenly became distant. Said my healing was not complete. And he is right, but considering how far I have come I think I am doing well. Deep wounds take time to heal.

I asked if he was OK. Twice he evaded the question.

I said I was sorry if I hurt him somehow and I hoped he was OK. He is a highly spiritual person, so I said I will send him some good energy.

He wrote back and said he didn't want my energy near him. It was not clean.

These were words that cut deep on me as I'm sure he knew they would. After being used as a sex object by my ex, I feel dirty.

I wrote back and said as he wished. That I was sorry to have hurt him and yes I knew I wasn't totally healed yet.

also, could he blame me for asking some tough questions and wanting to look before I leap.

I pointed out he had not told me as much about himself and so he hadn't gotten rid of his own safety shield either.

That if I left my home as he knew, I would be disowned from my family. If I to to his country and things didn't work between us . He would be in the same boat as he was before. Not the case for me.

I ended by saying not to worry, I would keep my dirty energy here with me.

He has never responded.

was I wrong to ask the hard questions?

Updates:
he just wrote back and caled me a lowly evolved human unable to love because I did not show him complete trust. That I was treating him like a chess oponant and playing mind games. I answered and said honest questions were not mind game and if I had
askedmore tough questions in my past relationship. I would have never been in the mess I found myself in. He kept telling me to love myself, but when I was true to myself and said "Hey, lets look at things closely here". He got angry and hurt. Said I was
compaing him to my ex. Even though I mad sure to say he was NOTING like him. He has trust issue too. I pointed out I was not like the women of his past who tried to work him for money or suport. Being true to myself was not a betrayal to him
I responded one last time to his email (the one where he called me "lowly"). I basically said he could call me whatever he liked - I know better, and perhaps he should take a look at him self & hisown motives. Use this expriance to grow and move forward.
I wished him well and goodbye. I just got two emails in response. They ranted and raved. Much not even making full sense. He said my remark of "relect upon yourself" was an attack.He even said I would be blocked from this forum (this is where I met him).
so, my gut was right when it kept saiying "Somethings not right here!". I was right to ask questions. Just think what could have happened if I had gone to meet him - in HIS country! He wasn't the perfect guy, but he could have been the perfect nightmare.
One of the answers below says he is someone "That feeds on the weak". It kind of fits well. He contacted me on this forum. I was trying to build the courage to leave my ex. I was upset that day and asked an emotional question. That's when this guy
contacted me. His answer seemed insightful. We stared talking. He is an excellent motavational speaker. We kept talking and his words helped me look at things differently. I thought he was my friend. Stupid I know. Being in an emotional state with the
breakup from my ex didn't help my judgement. I looked foreward to hearing from this guy and his insight. Then about two weeks in, he said something that sounded romantic. I dismissed it as a misunderstanding of his words. But the words kept coming.
more and more until the hits were now dirrect statements. "Come to my contry were you can be appreciated for who you are ". "My country doesn't have the violence yours does" "my country has so much culture & wisdom". I finally said I would think about it
but said I would not do anything big for one year. I figured that would give time for a more clear picture to form. As it turns out, it took a little over a month for his true colors to show. He kept talking about me leaving and how my family was usingme
it is true that my family is not perfect, but I still love them. He said that the powers that be were testing me and if I stayed I would fail the test and be doomed to a lifetime of suffering. He kept talking of my moving. It still didn't feel right
finally, I sugested he visit me in six months. During the summer time. I figured that would give time for the picture to develop more and I would be meeting him on my home ground. It also gave me time to think. I knew I needed that.
he seemed perfect. He could answer a question before I asked. He seemed to know my every thought. He seemed kind and considerate. Said things I wanted and needed to hear. He seemed like the perfect guy, but still deep down things worried me.
I was completely open. Told him all about myself. Which was very foolish of me, but I didn't go rushing into something head first . I was smart enough to buy myself time and then start asking hard questions. that is what saved me. I look back now and see
how very lucky I was. I was stupid for sure, but I used some smarts too. Learneed some lessions. As for his motives - I don't know. Might be good I didn't find out.
everyone here really helped me. You helped me see I was lucky to get away from him and what he was saying about me ruining a good thing was just a way to manipulate me. Thanks for all your help!
It's been almost a month since I first posted this and looking back at it I can see I have came far in the healing process. I feel stronger each day. Hopefully wiser too :). My ex had all but destroyed my self esteame. I was very vonerable & not thinking
clearly. So, I ended up making more mistakes. But I was smart enough to stay true to myself - that was good & an improvement in itself. Now, I look back A see how much of a mess my life was, but see where I have improved a great deal. My confidence is bac
my self respect too. This guy fancied himself a counsler. And can be good at it too. But unlike a professional, he crossed a line. He aloud himself to make it deeply personal. Pushing all the right buttons. He knew where they were because I had told him.
That's why a professional doesn't get involved with someone they are counceling. It's not ethical or healthy. But this guy was not a professional. He got caught up in the whole thing as did I. It must have been very empowering for him knowing I was
so very impacted by his every word. So he then turned it to a personal level. Wanting to fill his own voids. That was not wise, but as I said, I can't blame him for being unsproefessioonal. He is just a lonely guy who wanted to help, but then became part
of the problem. Professionals understand you don't use the emotions of someone who has come through something tramadic to control or manipulate them. I don't even think he understood all he did. That's why I hold no anger for him & feel kind of sorry for
him. I know his actions were not done vitiously, but they were not right either. I was an emotional basket case & made so very many mistakes. Now, as I heal. I see much more clearly. It became very clear to me how empty his own life must be when he
started contacting me through anonymous posting on this sight. I had spoke with him enough to spot his verbage and know the wording he would use. Again, he tried to make little diggs to make me feel bad. But it didn't. It only made me feel sorry for him
knowing he must have nothing else to do with his time. It is not in me to hate (its a waist of my time and emotions) but I can't help but feel pitty. I hope the guy can find happiness and leave me alone. I think he will.
as for me, I have learned so very much and came a long ways. I am a survior. I have finally stopped letting people use and abuse me. It is a great and impowering feeling. :) I feel happy & more fulfilled then I can ever remember. Life is good now :)

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Most Helpful Guy

  • No, you were not wrong to ask those questions, and I think in time you will realize you were lucky things went this way. Leaving your country to be with someone you've never met before, someone you discussed honeymoons with when you two had just met a month ago... there's a small chance that things would have been nice, but I suspect soon one of you would have become disillusioned with the other, and then things would have gotten messy, as you would be stuck in a foreign country, possibly married, and alone.

    He seems like a rather controlling type, who thrives on women who depend on him. All sweet in the beginning, your 'night in shining armor', but the moment he noticed you started thinking about what was good and important for YOU, what YOU wanted, he suddenly turned nasty. I think a relationship with this guy may very well have been much like the one you were two weeks ago.

    On the bright side, he gave you the courage to get out of the bad relationship you were in. In a way what happened is pretty much the best possible situation, you got out of a bad relationship but have managed to avoid getting into a new one. I hope you find someone who is better for you, and remember to stand up for yourself!

    Somewhat unrelated to the question at hand, your profile mentions still in a relationship with "a great guy". And that you "care a great deal for one another and enjoy your time together". I take it you have yet to update your profile? :p

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    • After updates: Haha! I correctly estimated his personality from your original story, and now he's showing his true colors. Leave him countrygirl, he's no good. There's someone out there who is perfect for you, but this guy isn't.

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    • Thanks again for your help. Thought you might like to read my latest update above. Your words helped. Before I asked the question I was just having him tell me how wrong I was. Everyone here helped me see I was lucky to get away from him. Thanks!

    • Great to hear you're better now :)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 8

  • Quote: "I started asking some "loaded questions as he called it. Like "Could you be content to JUST hold a woman at times with no sex?" (My ex was a sex nut. The answer for him would have been NO!). my questions hurt my new guy. He suddenly became distant. Said my healing was not complete. And he is right, but considering how far I have come I think I am doing well."

    This was a red flag. You did nothing wrong. You asked him a question that, for whatever reason, he didn't want to answer, so he deflected the attention back onto you. Then, once he wanted space and later "to break up," you handled everything as an adult would, while he acted as a child. Please don't allow him to undo a lot of the progress that you've made.

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    • Thank you. You are very right. It's been almost a month & I feel like a different person that the one who wrote this. I feel kind of sad for the guy. He is lonely and has issues. I was vonerable at the time. In a way it was like a theripist who hits on his patiant.knowing all the right buttons to push. Only he is not a professional, but he does fancy himself a counceler. I've moved forward and am happy. I'm not going to let him or anyone else destroy the progress I've made. :) thanks!

  • No. Why is it it's okay to have you completely dissected, and you not even have anything deeper than the surface scratched with him? It makes no. As you are going head first without knowing much about him, when he probably knew where your scars, beauty marks, and whatever other example you can think of that I'm trying to get at..

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    • yes! Exactly. That's why I was asking questions. You can see my update above. His anger make me question his own insecurities. There is nothing wrongg with not wanting to blindly jump in.

    • I updated my question above. Thanks again for your help :)

    • A man will have his angers, and insecurities at one point or another in their life. But, you were a mind game he didn't even have to try at. Since you didn't take what he said with a grain of salt. And you were trusting him in the process. But, by your updates, you got to the conclusion, relief, and ease of mind you were attempting to gain.

  • So there's a smart ass bastard that feeds on the weak out there? No surprise, some people are really messed up. Don't listen to the things he said after he seemed to change, he only said them to hurt you. I can't say his motives for sure, but it sounds like they weren't good.

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    • Update; Good girl. :)

    • thanks. Your words were a great help to me. He was acting like I was the one in the wrong. Said I would become an abuser like those who had hurt me. I needed someone else to help put things in perspective. Your words helped do that. Thank you. Ps. I added to my update above. Thanks again!

  • You did not chase away the perfect guy. The question you asked, seems like a very important question. It's sad to hear things worked out like they did but perhaps they have made you a stronger person for it. Given your history and the relationship you just got out of, you already seem like a strong person to me. I hope the future brings you more luck :)

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  • if you want me back just say so

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    • I don't want him back. I'm very glad to have him gone from my life. I just wish he would leave me alone and move on with his life. I feel he is a very lonely man. His constant returns proves that. But he is playing a childish game and I do not wish to waist my time on it. It seems he must miss me, so keeps bugging just for some type of contact. It's getting creepy. I wish he would just leave me alone.

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    • LOL. Thanks. I always like a good laugh. The guys of my past certinly might temp a girl to go lez, but I just don't swing that way. I prefer to tell them I finally got smart - that is the truth. There are good guys bad uys , strange guys a sad ones. I just ran into a controlling one first, then a lonely one. Niether were good for me. Lessions learned. On the bright side. Some recent events in my life have helped me to be a happier person. I stopped letting others drag me down.

    • the pleasure is all mine ha ha KINKY!

  • ...tsk...tsk...tsk...sour grapes...

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    • tell yourself whatever makes you happy. I can truly say I am happy now. Time to move on. I'm not sure where you picked your grapes. But the ones I have are pretty sweet.

  • From what you said it was clear that he was helping you all along, telling you to love and heal yourself. This is sound advice for someone with your experience. I don't think your questions hurt him as he merely said your healing was incomplete. This even you yourself agree. He was the one who had extensively conversed with you and found something about you serious enough to discontinue further communications. He has the right to do that. I don't think ranting against him behind his back is a mature way to handle the situation though. If anything, your doing that has already proofed the soundness of his decision.

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    • I'm not ranting behind his back. He can read what I wrote. As I'm sure he just has. Yes, his advise helped, but the first time I said or asked something he didn't like, he turned into something dark and angry. Showing a side he claimed not to have. If he had been who and what he said, he wouldn't have reacted in such a way. I hold no hard feelings against him. He helped me learn a valuable life lession. A test if you want to call it that. One to teach me to look a little deeper.

    • As far as being mature. I feel I have been. I made no fulse acusations. I was also careful never to use his user name on a site I know he places value on. His advise can still help others and I don't want to diminish that. All I'm saying is he was not as pure of reason as he said, in short- he is human. He has his own growing to do. I think he is a very lonely man. I am moving forward and learning every day. I would suggest he do the same and be happy.

    • I have not tried to bug him in any way. I have moved on and am finding happiness at last. So I would hope he woud now leave me alone. Anonymous comments do not mask well. I've seen benieth that mask (the good and the bad). Thanks for your help your words and your lessions. I wish you well and good luck. :)

  • Umm... ANY person that can send you 600 emails in a month has no life of there then the internet and you should probably stay away from. How in the hell do you send 600 emails to someone if you work during the day! That's just crazy...

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    • he was supposed to be self employed. But his emails out numbers mine by at lease 3 to 1 if not more. I only answered in the evenings, and found it hard to keep up as I work all day and have thiings to do at home. You are right. I later figured out he had no personal life to speak of. Kind of ani-social type person. Glad to bbe away from him. I was highly emotional due to my recent breakup and wasn't thinking clearly. Needed someone to talk too. Now I can see things a whole lot clearer.

What Girls Said 6

  • Sounds to me like you're doing pretty well! NEVER go against your gut feelings. NEVER risk more than you can afford to loose. Enjoy this time of healing and growing into the person you were meant to be. DON"T worry so much about having a boyfriend. Contrary to popular belief, they are NOT necessary for happiness. (And no I'm not a "man hater" I just hate the myth that if you're not with someone you're no one. Truth is you can be happy with someone and you can be happy single, you can be sad with someone and sad single, you can be lonely with someone and you can be lonely single...you get the idea.)

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    • Thanks. And you are exactly right. I don't need a man to validate my seft worth. That's not man hating, it common sense. Just like a guy doesn't have to have a girlfriend to be worth something. I agree so much with what you said. I was lonely and miserable with my first boyfriend. He used me. Then this guy came along a I thought he was my friend, but long ago I thought my first boyfriend was my friend too. Who wouldn't want to marry their best friend? I have learned a lot of lessions.

  • I guess you got the answers already! Hope you will find something real for you - I mean smth which feels right for you!

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  • glad your away from both of them... kind of sounds like the relationship that I'm trying to end...

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    • me too. The first relationship was the hardest for me to get out of. Took months for me to build up enough self esteam to leave. It was all that much harder because I thought I was in love. But a relationship like that is not love. As far as the second guy - I feel bad. Mosty because I was such a fool but the good news is I had evouh sel asteam this time to hold my ground & ask questions. That's why he blew up and showed his true colors so quickly, rather that farther down the road when I had no

    • escape. It was a good lession for me. Someone told me once that I was sending out a victim becon. Drawing users and abusers to me. Like sharks smalling blood in the water. I am learing now how to turn that becon off. If you need someone to talk to, message me. Perhaps I can be of help since I have been there before. Talking can help a lot. Talking helped me escape the first guy. So message me and we will talk I would love to help in any way I can. It would be good I my experience could help some

  • no this guy sounded like an asshole who was preying on your vulnerabilities. he lashed out at you when he realized he it wasn't happening the way he wanted it. he is NOT the most perfect guy for you, far from it because you deserve better than this guy. this guy had problems himself, he was insecure, emotionally controlling and mean and he took them out on you. from one girl who has been abused to another, it gets better than guys like this! oh I just read your last few updates (I was reading and typing at the same time) and you learned from your situation! that was an unhealthy relationship and you left. that's wonderful you have come a LONG way!

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  • this guy sounds like an egotistic know it all...anyone say (STALKER?) He gets hard up on judging and interrogating you...let him go girl..you do need to heal and you deserve BETTER!

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    • I think he did have major issues. I'm glad he is out of my life. He started following me around this sight for awhile. Logging in as "anonymous" but I knew his writing style and called him out on it. It has now stopped. I am working on healing myself now and doing pretty well at it. Thanks! :)

    • Good to hear, life is too short. Good luck sweetheart! <3

  • Everybody makes mistakes

    Everybody has those days

    Everybody knows what, what I'm talkin' 'bout

    Everybody gets that way, yeah!

    Sometimes I'm in a jam

    I've gotta make a plan

    It might be crazy

    I do it anyway

    No way to know for sure

    I figure out a cure

    I'm patchin' up the holes

    But then it overflows

    If I'm not doin' too well

    Why be so hard on myself?

    Nobody's perfect

    I gotta work it

    Again and again

    'Til I get it right

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