How do I get closure... is she confused? In desperate need of educated advice

So my ex and I broke up 2 months ago. We were together for 3

t years and then she ended it because of what she said was "bitterness" over a few arguments we had 6 months back. I had just finished grad school, was trying to get a job and she asked me to move in and commit to marry her. I was scared, broke and wad afraid to do all this, so she left me. In hindsight we should have never broken up, we both loved each other and I knew she was my soul mate. Now I am alone and miserable. This is by far the longest relationship I have ever had. I was "in love" for the first time. Now I am jaded and broken. After 2 months of ugliness I have initiated NC for 12 days. I never had a withdrawal like this. I have gotten mental help, tried anti depressants, and stopped because of the way they were making me feel. At this point I Just want closure. I want to talk face to face but she won't do it. I am using this forum so I don't message her. Today is especially difficult because I didn't tell her but I dropped off every gift she got me (almost a $1000 worth of gifts) at her moms house. I have been very close to her family, but know that this is it with them too. Her mom did tell her and knows there was no reason to break up. In short I don't know what to do after this point. I have never been so broken. I have loved before but never been in love to the point where my life is affected by it.I have gone through the stages of grieving and now I'm just getting angry at her because even in hindsight I don't understand why

I thought I would find out she was dating someone but she isn't, she's just alone too. The last time we talked via text she was a different person, mean and cold. She went from giving everything and telling me 5x a day she loved me to dropping me like a bad habit. The worst part is my self confidence is gone. I am 24, work out 6 days a week, I'm good looking, intelligent, have a job and funny. Yet none of this matters and the only person on earth I think about is her. I have been using my negative energy to focus on my career and I'm getting a promotion because of it. But my personal life is still shattered, once I leave the office I get depressed, and just drink and smoke bud. I don't know what to do anymore. Please advice that isn't like "you need to Just forget about her" yada yada. I have accomplished a lot in my life, but I think to myself every day I would rather not wake up Than have to face the fact that I am alone and without the girl I love. Before her I had a bad outlook on women, slept with 20 girls and didn't have the respect I have for women today. Now I can't even build up the confidence to try and go on a date. What do I do... ? How do I get closure... is she confused? Help Please because I am in dire need of direction.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Sorry to se another man going through this. From what I have read I think your relationship has a lot of chances. She just needs sometime to herself. Leave her alone with her thoughts. If you still talk to her family and they trying to get you two back together, ask them to not bring it up unless she asks. If the break up was just about the whole marriage thing, she is just as miserable and alone as you are, even if she is SEEING SOMEONE. Let me tell you what I've learned, Once a woman's mind is made up, IT"S MADE UP. No amount of logic, reasonning or ass kissing or any thing can make her change her mind. She is the only one that can change her own mind. Don't try to have anyone or yourself influence her decision. If marriage was the issue, I'm assuming it was a ltr. whith that said, no matter how mean and cold she acts she is still attached to you emotionally. It's just that she is being defensive. Now here is what you do, DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. block her on FB, cut out mutual friends for a while, if you can stay away from her fam that's going to be good. NO contact does not bring an ex back. What it does is that it expose them to reality, to life without you. She is going to start wondering and start texting you. She's going to check up on you to make sure that you are still waiting for her to make up her mind. IF YOU DO FALL FOR THE TRAP and responn, you will re assure her that you are still there for her and she will be comfortable with the break up. IGNORE HER. I know your heart is going to stop pumping when she contacts you. DONT FALL FOR IT. ONLY respond when she starts emailing, texting, or levaing voicemails that say I am sorry , I want to talk things through, something along these lines. If she text" how are you" don't respond like I said. She is woman, women will do anything to get what they really want. She will get the point that you are ignoring her because she isn't saying anything meaningfull. That's whn she is going to start pouring her heart out. When she does that, please don't play heart to get. Don't jump on it like a baby but be mature about it. All of this is not going to happen in one day. Its going to take time, be patient. In the mean time, work on yourself. Throw these anti depressants out the window. Join a gym( very good stress reliever). Focus on that promotion so you can be ready for a commitement when she comes back. By the way STICK WITH NO CONTACT. NO HOLIDAY WISHES! she neeeds to feel the void. if she say sit first, repond" THX you to" nothing more!

    It may take months but focus on yourself for now, I guarantee you if you were a good guy to her, she will realize it and come home!

    Best of luck man! take care of yourself!

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    • Thanks man... ill take your advice to heart. If anything what I am missing from this story is how good our relationship was... we didn't fight often, and its not like it was our sex life, considering we did it 3 times 2 nights before she broke up with me. And I didn't initiate the last 2. I have a lot of self control but once again... I'm so lost.

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    • So everyday I think to myself, wow what did I do wrong... All I got for an answer was that she was bitter over my inability to commit... yet I was in a time in my life where I was scared of everything else. So she left me? How selfish is this? If this is the only reason, then I hope she can live with her life knowing that she left me when I needed her most. I have gotten so angry that all I can think of is finding a girl that I know she would be jealous of and bringing here everywhere

    • That I know my ex would be. I want her to hate her life. I don't want her to succeed at anything. I stated earlier that I have been in plenty of other relationships, had sex with 20 others, and this isn't the first time I have been dumped and the dumpee. I know she is my first real love, but I don't deserve this. If there even is a god, which I am a believer in Astrophysics and the mathematical probability of god is negligible, then why would he take away the one thing I committed my life to.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • You are still grieving as you indicated. You are on a downward spiral and I really hope you will seriously consider my advice. Only time and time alone will enable you to hopefully move forward, heal and gain closure. I think you need to find another therapist who you trust and mesh with well. In addition, I think you should consider a different anti-depressant medication but this time you need to keep taking it so it can begin to work. I think you need to continue therapy so you have an outlet to work through his difficult period. Obviously doing it independently is not working but this is why these options are out there.

    Getting over a first love is not easy and I know you already know this. But, you are a young, intelligent, educated, successful man and you have your whole life ahead of you. You need to dig DEEP and take back your life back NOW. Understand, it won't happen overnight but taking the first step is critical to your pathway to healing.

    Just know that many people have been in your shoes at one time. I am one of those people and I was able to get over my first love and break up. Just know you aren't alone.

    Be well.

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  • I would consider a councelor, as they can help the mental aspects with it. it may not show at first, but you'll learn more things as time goes on, and you can cool down.

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What Guys Said 1

  • I feel your pain, man. I went through something similar. It seems like you really have a spark with this girl. A lot of guys who are heart broken have only been with one woman, you on the other hand have been with few, so this girl is special to you. The best advice right now is to always try to move. Don't be stagnate. I know it's hard to get out of bed and everything, but just try. I don't know what it is, maybe you're not telling us the whole story, but your ex seems really bitter. You can still win her back, you just can't mess up anymore. This guy will turn things around for you ==> link

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    • I've wasted my money on bullsh*t self help books. Each relationship is individual and dynamic, and this sh*t is misleading. I am in limbo and want to move on with my life, a book on NC for 30 days is bullsh*t. I need guidance on how to get closure and learn from my experiences not misleading books that offer self help and say how to get your ex back... I've given up on that... if it happens it happens, I can't push it

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