How can I stop feeling so stupid for not knowing my ex was cheating on me?

So my ex boyfriend and I had dated for about 8 months and things were going well. He blindsided me with a breakup and we didn't talk for 3 months until he messaged me with the usual I'm sorry I miss you blah blah. So I didn't respond for a month until I realized wow I am very angry with you. So I told him how it was mean what he did to me, etc. and since then we've messaged a few times.

Of course I was just looking on facebook today and was totally shocked to find his profile, since he always told me he didn't have facebook...and he is engaged...to a girl who he has been friends with for quite a few years.

I had just gotten over feeling embarrassed and stupid, and now I feel it even more. I am almost positive he cheated on me with her and I just feel like such a fool.

So I'm asking those of you who have been cheated on or duped/used, or even those who have helped friends/family get through something like this: how do you stop blaming yourself for what happened? How can I stop beating myself up for being so stupid, vulnerable and gullible.

And, why the eff is he contacting me now? To clear his conscience?

And, I now worry that I will have trouble trusting again. How can I be sure no one will do this to me again?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The thing about cheating... and think about a board game or something if it helps... is that the cheater does everything in their ability to keep you from knowing. They may "bend the rules," or "hide something" of significance, but the other players, or you in this case, will be blind until that person slips.

    In other words, he cheated, but he did it to where you couldn't know. Its not your fault. He tells you he doesn't have a profile and such, so there's no need for you to consciously look for one, is there? He may have contacted for various reasons, drunk, stupid, thought he was gonna break up with the girl and chased you for a rebound... anything is an option, but the point is its not your fault and you couldn't have known unless he through very, very obvious hints (Which I'm sure he didn't).

    Its always hard to trust after a situation like this, but what you need to know is that this is a case of not trusting him in particular. You're gonna be approached again, but someone else, and its just gonna have to be a case of judgement and perception and a willingness to trust that person and hope for the best. You can never really tell a person's motive until you are completely vulnerable, but its a risk everyone faces.

    As far as seeing to it that it doesn't happen to you again? Well that'll be hard. You're gonna have to stay a little more alert and aware of all circumstances, but you can't go and be overprotective and insecure... like making sure you have the passwords to all your bf's accounts and knowing where he is 24/7. But honestly, as a bottom line, there's no sure fire way to make sure it doesn't happen again.

    You should probably get a hold of the girl he got engaged to and tell her, screw up his life or something. >=) (nah, I kid... that's a whole different mess you may not want to get in to, but that's all up to you).

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    • Thanks for taking the time to provide such a thoughtful, honest answer. It seems like such a stupid question, but sometimes you just need to hear others tell you it's not your fault and you couldn't have known in order to convince yourself of that as well.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 4

  • It's hard and definitely a long process for anyone who has a heart.

    It took me a while. Key to it is to focus on moving on from the hurt. You can't get to the future if you're always living in the past. Sure our past is important because it teaches us great life lessons but it's important to not dwell on the past. Don't become bitter.

    Step 1. Pretend to be happy, smile, pretend you're over it. Don't talk to him until you can without thinking about your past relationship with him.

    Step 2. Focus on your school, job, hobbies (if you don't have any, get some) Date or just make new friends or spend time with friends. Live life and be happy.

    Step 3. Look at it realistically...SHIT happens. He cheated, okay good you're not with him anymore and that means there's a better worthy guy out there for you. A lot of people get cheated on and actually in worst ways. At least you found out and you have a chance to be happy and find someone better.

    Don't blame anyone, it's the past. Look back at your relationship but REALLY look back. Not just the good things, the bad things. Surely there were some signs you might not have seen then, but maybe now.

    He could be contacting you now because he's sorry, trying to get you on the side/or problems with his fiance,or just to make mends. Who cares. I seriously wouldn't speak to him until you're at peace with this.

    You will have trouble trusting, but try to keep your eyes open more and realize you need to go through a few bad guys to get to the one. Not all guys are like that. Some are actually good.

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  • How would you have know he was cheating? Just be happy you aren't dating that jerk anymore & give yourself a break. He is the one who should feel bad, not you. Many people have been cheated on before you, so you are not alone.

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  • dont feel like a fool is the fool cause he the one who wasn't man enough to say he was with somebody else don't beat yourself or feel bad he is a dumb ass and he going to do the same to her as he did to you so

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  • You shouldn't blame yourself, nobody asks to be cheated on! He'll most likely cheat on her aswell

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