Am I his "second choice"?

Basically (in short version because it is a long story) my best guy friend liked one of our mutual best friends, she rejected him. A couple weeks later (because I liked him at the time) we made out. I told him we need to think about what happen because he had mixed feelings and later told me we can just be friends. I was in denial hoping he would change his mind. We still seem to have a connection for a while as more than friends and I got mixed signals for a long time. Now I forced myself to open my eyes lately and noticed that he seems to pay more attention to the mutual friend compared to our relationship. He still is "hot and cold" with me sometimes with signals but I feel like I am there as his back-up. We all have been best friends for over 3 years. I feel all I was, was a second choice and he is trying to show me me that hey we are just friends but we might have a chance as soon as I finally give up on our mutual friend. At this point I feel like I am giving up with him, and now I am just pissed when he seems to give me a "signal". I am more annoyed than anything right now. Why was he (and still is) trying to keep me as his second choice if he is still all over her, but occasionally is with me? He had to know I wouldn't keep up with his dumb act forever? Also I want to confront him about his still crush on the girl (he doesn't tell me who he likes, and he never really did), how do I go about that without seeming like an accusing b*tch?

His signs are subtle: for me I always have to make the first move and if I seem to flirt to much with him he backs off. If I don't flirt with him he is all over me, he likes the games. He also gets randomly jealous (Sometimes) when I mention another guy or about another one coming along with us.

For the mutual friend: He calls her, he tries to make plans with her more than me (unless I don't flirt), He took her to the movies but tells me oh we can just watch at so and so's house, he always seems to want to be around her more often, he mentions her to me every once a while.

Also I just have this gut feeling lately that he does. I don't know if that is something I should trust or not.

Okay I have a few updates on this. I am still best friends with the guy (I know not good for my feelings but its hard since we have been friends for so long) and he told me a month ago he has feelings for the mutual friend. But since he told me...
(continued)...they haven't hung out ever since he told me. Maybe because he is feared that I told her or something. They stopped talking for a month I believe and all we did was hangout and talk continuously. (Also when I wrote this as his second choice.. was before I knew he liked her and he admitted it to me). Now I know he has feelings for her (he told me) but why have we been so close if he likes her? Any new advice on this would help.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm not sure because to really know how he's feeling, I'd have to be in his head. But what I do know is that this guy isn't treating you the way that you should be treated. Find someone else who likes YOU only and doesn't go back and forth from you and your friend. To me it sounds like he's using you to either make her jealous or as his rebound because she rejected him. Of course you're the second choice because if you weren't then he would have went for you first and not her. No one deserves to be the second choice and settle for it. Keep him as your friend, and that's all. Him being jealous and acting up when you don't give him attention is probably because he likes your attention and feeling like he has you and when he feels like he doesn't, he acts up. Don't flirt with him, treat him as a friend only. Let him chase around your friend while you find a guy who is worth your time and makes you his number 1. When he gets upset when you don't give him attention then brush it off, you don't owe him anything and you deserve to be happy.

    • You have given a great response, but I need to know one more thing. the "Of course you're the second choice because if you weren't then he would have went for you first and not her." but the thing is at the beginning of our friendship he liked me and he was her second choice and then later flipped to what it is today. I didn't like him at the time and then I think he moved on to her and is now stuck on her (who doesn't like him back). I don't think he will change his mind and his made up his...

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    • I think that that's in the past and not the current situation. It doesn't sound like you're the second choice as in he had no one else so he decided to like you to feel better, but you're still the second choice as in he got rejected and moved onto you. I think that you need to still find someone else. Give it some time and date other guys. Let things cool down between the three of you and put your attention onto someone else instead. If you still like him in a couple of months then try again.

    • Thank you for your help =D. So far you are the best answer. I will keep this up for a while longer and see if I get any other perspectives, before I post you up. =]

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  • Ok well if it's in your gut feeling that you are his 'second choice' then you are probably right. Your instincts will tell you alot...and it's not about you being paranoid. They are true feelings that show you pieces of information i.e. him taking her to movies, liking ure best friend etc that everything is adding up...all he needs now is to say it to your face that you are his second choice...but you don't need to hear that. You already KNOW that he likes your friend etc. The best thing to do before getting hurt is..juss stop hanging around them until you are certainly over him. Becuz if they end up having a relationship and your hanging out with them your going to get hurt and still b stuck in this same sad place.

    Don't settle for less than want a guy who wants you and likes you for you and not keep you as a second choice. When he does the subtle signs he still wants you to hang out offc with him just "incase' he gets bored etc...but you don't wanna put yourself in tht position your so much better than that.

    Goodluck :)

    • I think I will trust my gut thanks. =]

  • Omg :/ Really? Take my advice as a older woman... people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. First, I would not consider this person a friend period. Second, he will never give you the respect you deserve, you're there as an ego booster. Cut this dude off believe me you will live, and then do some soul searching. No matter how much you analyze the situation it will still be the same. If none of that makes sense... you are to played with and he doesn't give a care about your feelings. Men who blow hot and cold are telling the female they don't care about them. Betcha he wasn't blowing hot and cold with his crush now was he? Women need to learn to take a stand and not be afraid of saying no. If a guy stops "liking" you then he never did. He is NOT going to turn around some day in the future and say "you're the one." However, I'm going to let you find that out.


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