He has pulled right back and not called/texted in days - advice/opinions?

He spent 3 years on/off with me as he kept "leaving" his girlfriend to be with me and then changing his mind at last hurdle. Finally about 5 weeks ago I told him that we should part ways as this pattern HAD to end. He broke down in tears, declared his undying love for me and swore we would NEVER be saying goodbye. He broke up with her and she moved out - finally, two days later (his b'day). We started seeing each other freely in the first couple of weeks, I expressing unsurity and him reassuring me - at first, this was such a big jump from what I had known. Since last week he has said he doesn't know what he wants anymore (wth?) so I said maybe it's best we don't see each other next week if he's "confused". He insisted he would call and ask if I would see him. Note - he blew me out on weekend due to some "bad news" he wouldn't say what. I have my suspicions (re "ex"). Despite their sexless and lifeless partnership I suspect he misses the comfort of her (Mummy figure). He is scared to risk us failing and then having no fall-back, and I think I was quite pushy - putting all my insecurity on him rather than stepping back and taking TIME. Long story short - he hasn't called or texted since last week when we spoke about this. QUESTION: He is used to me caving in and eventually contacting him. I have taken the time to work on myself and have had a few aha moments regarding this whole situation, I realize he is not being good to me. How do you think he will feel when he realizes this time, he is not going to hear from me? He said I was his soul mate, he was physically sick at the thought of losing me once before and went CRAZY jealous when he thought I had moved on with someone else. I guess he may just be burying his head in the sand, avoiding dealing with any of this for now, so he may just be relieved I haven't tried to contact him. But it's only been a few days. We've never been longer than 2 weeks out of contact. Then he always comes back. But this time, he won't be hearing from me in between. I'm just curious and have tried to put myself in his shoes but it's difficult to fully understand. Because even if/when he does come back this time, things with me will have changed completely - I'm not into this type of emotional baggage thing anymore! Advice and answers most welcome, thank you.

Updates:
Also curious to find out if any guys are here that have done this kind of thing - what you have felt when she finally gave up on your BS? An insight to your feelings would be helpful too!
I should also add that he ALWAYS misses me in the end, and has ALWAYS come back. This is a man who NEVER changes and doubt he ever will (he is 41) - the difference now is that I have finally changed my perspective, only he (as yet) doesn't know this...
Anymore POV people wanna share? It doesn't matter how obvious it is - your support is appreciated and needed at this time! Thanks all who read :-)

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Your doing the right thing. No contact. What matters at the end of the day that your relationship is starting out on the wrong foundation. It doesn't have trust, honesty, and respect. What make you think he isn't going to do the same thing to you once he FINALLY decides your what he wants? I'm proud that your taking control and not reaching out. Of course he will freak out that he hasn't heard from you. But your better off with out him I know its easier said than done but sometimes we wonder why men behave this way...well some one once gave me some harsh honest advice. She told me this..."it is because desprate woman like you that men behave like inconsiderate assholes...Woman like you who lack self respect and pride are the ones that let men believe they can walk all over us...You need to take the litte pride and self respect you have left and keep it for yourself and walk away." These words hit me hard not only because they were coming from someone I truly cared about but more because they were true. We allow men to treat us this way and we think we HAVE NO CHOICE but to wait around for them to make up their mind. Honey we are young we are here to choose not to be choosen! We should be making the choices not them! We should be saying yes or no! We allow this type of treatment so it will continue...Its a new year! make a difference in your life! You can totally do it! I'm going through it also! Your not alone.

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    • Thank you for your response. It's the first time I've posted on a forum since this happened in the last week and it is already bringing my feeling back - in that I am very hurt. It's all too easy to 'numb out' and then we lose touch with ourselves. I 100% agree with what you say about allowing treatment - there is also a good saying "We teach people how to treat us". I suspect he has gone back to ex for whatever the reason, but as he can't seem to deal with anything, a happy reunion is doubtful.

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What Guys Said 2

  • THIS FOOL IS JUST USING BOTH YOU AND THAT POOR SAP OF A Girlfriend HE HAS... you need to tell him to 'buzz off'... he is a leech... why prolong the pain (unless you like that sort of thing). He will never commit, he will never change. All you havta do is just tell him no. Stand your ground, and never let up. I personally think if you make it clear enough, he will leave quickly once he gets the point. This is no man that you're dealing with.

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    • BlackSuperman - where are the men like you! You seem like a real man. Thanks for the advice. :-)

    • well.. the 'real men like me', as you put it... are around... they are just learning how to be men... just keep your eyes open... because they just may be a few around you- you just don't know them yet

  • If someone is still hung up on the ex, then its probably just a waste of time trying to have a relationship with them. Been there done that. I've been the one who's done it, and also had it done to me. Never got anything but frustrated.

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    • Thanks for comment. I wouldn't say he's 'hung up' on her as he was never 'in love' with her - more that he is cowardly and hates to feel bad or sad. Basically a child wanting instant gratification. I know them getting back together is just avoiding the inevitable grieving they have to do to move on. He will be "confused" all over again and she will hurt again but as girl below says, women allow men to be like this, so she's her own worst enemy - you're right - I'm better off without this drama.

    • Just curiously - if you had no 'desire' (sexual) for the ex you went back to but had fireworks with the other woman, and were used to 'having your cake' - what happens in your mind when the 'cake' is removed and you are permanently stuck in the original situation? Note - this guy is NOT a serial womaniser, I'm the only one he's done this with, and after our experience, he'll not be repeating it - way too much aggro.

What Girls Said 1

  • I would never trust anyone who had a woman on the side. EVER.

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