Was it my fault she's gone?

My heart is still full of regression and guilt. I just wanna ask you on you point of view if it was really my fault. It all started with my ex girlfriend whom I dated when I was 14. I met her in the first day of school, during then I was still studying in Okinawa Shogaku Jr. & Sr. High School. I courted her ever since I first saw her. Being with her was like I was in some Korean Movie or some Romance movie. I felt like I could cry if she ever talks to me or looks at me. Whenever I saw her dating someone, I'd go outside in the rain getting pricked by its pointy drops of cold ice-like water. In the end I'd just get sick or freeze to death like crazy and I'd think what I did was pretty stupid but I was so crazy in love I didn't care how stupid I'd look in front of anyone except her.I soon started studying ten times harder than anyone. I skipped meals just to have time to study. I studied for exams 2 weeks early just to assure I'd get perfect. I'd join clubs to find my s called "hidden talent" I found out that I was good in piano, I practiced 2 times a week and play songs for fun at times. Then my dad told me to try playing the violin like he did, I was kinda fast in learning it but was not as interested in it like the piano. I was also good in some sports which got my body to build up. I dyed my hair dark blond when I turned 15 because all the guyz had one but since I wanted mine special I made my hair just like Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy 7 because I know that Aiko liked him so much, she was a crazed fan. The plan worked out quite well, she couldn't stop staring at me. She would shriek after looking probably thinking that I look exactly like Cloud. In delight, I was the happiest guy in the world, my parents didn't think so. They though I'm starting to be one of those punk ids on the streets when they saw my new look. But I was able to reason out and keep it. Then one day, Aiko asked me if she could bring me to her house because she had a surprise. I was excited but confused. What does she mean by surprise. I went to her house after school and once I entered her school her mom and dad answered it with a grumpy look. But once they saw me and asked my name the mom hugged me and the dad simply invited me to come in. The mom said she couldn't believe that their daughter would date such an intelligent and strong man. I never thought I was smart at all. I just wanted to pass the exam. But I was very delighted when they said that me and Aiko are going out. They were mistaken.

To be continued...

Then, I went upstairs to her room. She was wearing some kind of costume. It was a plain white dress with a silk blazer. She had a black, long wig. It had curls at the ends, and with some bangs. her shoes were high heeled with black markings on them.
I was confused why she was wearing it. She then told me to sit on the bed, then she place a blindfold to cover my eyes. She asked me if she could take at least take off my shirt in a shy and quiet tone of her voice. She slowly took my shirt off and said..
That not only I have Cloud's looks but also his body/torso. She then placed clothes on me which made me a bit more confused. She asked me if I was wearing boxer shorts or brief, I said shorts then she sighed in relief. She took off my pants and placed on.
heavier pants. She then told me to stand up. She moved me to a spot, then took off my blindfold. to my surprise I was wearing the exact copy of clothes of Cloud Strife. She then shieked "Do you like it!? I got it for you, since you had his hair I thought
maybe you should have his clothes too :)" I was a bit overwhelmed of what I was wearing but it kinda felt cool. She asked me if I could wear it with her to a cosplay convention next month. I said yes then the very next month I went to the con wearing the.
con wearing the cosplay. A lot of people actually took pictures of me. I kinda watched FF7 so I know his poses too. I went home smiling because it felt like I was really him. I went home with her. She was hugging my arm while we were walking the rest
of the way home. She said "This feels like a date to me Cloud-kun <3" I responded quietly "Uh, I guess it does feel like one". "Like in dates you'll bring me home then give me a kiss" My eyes grew big when she said that. She stopped then pulled me into a
corner and hugged me. I was weirded out by the things happening, but I hugged back. "Yes" she said. I asked her what she meant. "I would like to date you officially this time!" I felt like I lost my breath for a second there. I could feel tears in my eyes
but I don't think she noticed it. Then, I carried her on my back running home. We soon dated every month when there are cons. But we also date during lunch and after school. But my family was getting hard up on money and My dad said I had to study abroad
soon. I knew that would happen sooner or later, but I didn't expect it to be now. It was my goal going. But I chose to stay for Aiko, but dad said my sister will have to work instead of me then. I felt guilty hearing that. I soon told Aiko about my
situation too. She was acting tipsy. She asked me when would I get back. I said 6 years or so. "Oh, God no!" she said frustratingly. "can you visit me?" she asked. "I don't think I can, it is a bit hard." After a few days, we were apart. She soon told me
that I should leave as soon as possible. "I don't wanna bother you in you're family crisis because I got my own. I can't handle not having you here. I don't wanna be alone. My family is already torn apart, I don't want yours to end that way. I want you
to go. But we're ending our relationship right now. I was shocked, I thought I would collapse. Tears just bursted out of my eyes and hers. We had an argument for more than an hour. I went home screaming and crying. When I talked to dad he said that I am
leaving soon. We had a going away party. And I tried inviting her but she didn't come. I went to her house. I saw her in the living room watching television. "Go away, I'm not coming." she said "Please at least feel okay about this" "how can I? My life
ruined long ago. My mom an dad are divorcing and my mom is hurting me as a stress and depression reliever." I was shocked, no wonder I couldn't see them these days. "My mom treats me like crap now, I think she's going mad" she cried hugging me. "Report...
her then!" I said angrily. "No, I don't wanna lose her too!" she replied. "I don't want you to go! But I also don't want your family to crush like mine." We soon fixed things and after a few weeks I left Okinawa, and went to Ontario, Canada to continue
my studies. I was already 16 years of age. I was with her for at least 2 years. I went to study in Ontario College of Art and design. Then, I continued my studies at Walden University. I had to get a job. So I studied in a different school. I wanted to
become a lawyer. Then I went to North Carolina Central Law School to study for my job. I was not lucky in finding a job, but I was able to rent a studio teaching Art Students. Then I soon got agood job as a lawyer. And I was able to teach in universities
and some colleges. I was fortunate enough to bring my family here. I was happy to see them again. They were all crying especially my younger sister Akino. I just held in my tears. When I was rich enough, I went back to Okinawa to meet Aiko again. I found
her after a few days of searching. She's now working as a restaurant owner in Aichi. We ate and chat. She told me she dated other people while I was gone. That kinda stings me. But she said I was still the best. They were all jerks. That day we spent...
together ended when we went to her new house in Aichi. She again blindfolded me, and asked me to sit on the bed. She took off my clothes and didn't placed anything back on me. It was a funny sign which made me think that things are going differently this
time. Instead of making me stand up, she told me to lie down. She then kissed me and before I knew it we were making out. She took off the blindfold, then I saw her... Sorry that's as far as I could tell. Then the next day, we spent another day
together. Last night was our first sex in years. I'm not sure if we're together but it seemed like it. After a month, I went home. A few years later I found out her mom committed suicide. And I was surprised. I went to Japan again to talk to Aiko about it
I couldn't find her anywhere. I got really frustrated and worried. I went back to Ontario, and got news from Aiko's close friends, that Aiko also committed suicide by drugs and pills. I couldn't breathe. I screamed no and no and no endlessly. I was
completely broken. Memories of her went in and out of my mind. It felt so impossible that she's gone. If I was there, maybe she never felt alone. Maybe, she was here with me.. And we would hang out in cons like before and go out to eat during lunch and
after school. Leaving her was my greatest mistake yet. I couldn't et for days or smile. My youngest sister, Akino and my eldest, Yunata were able to comfort me enough to relax a little. Since, I knew Aki was a very religious and God-fearing Christian
she was able to convince me at times to move on, but I can't forget what I did to Aiko. Iremember about when I said before felt like a Korean drama, well, isn't this how they end usually. I don't know anymore if I'm going mad about this. I moved on a
bit but it still hurts inside. I wanna clear out if it was really my fault. I feel like it was because I feel guilty and regretful.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I honestly don't think its any of your fault. You both did what you needed to. and I'm glad you went abroad to do your studies-if you hadn't I think you'd be regretting it.

    And I think that meeting her again and saying goodbye like you did with those special days I think was a joyous thing for her. and for yourself too...All I can really say is, don't blame yourself, everything happens for a reason, and I'm sure she will remain in your heart and mind, but keep her there as happy memories rather then regretful feelings, I think she would prefer you to do that too.

    Ps - it really does sound like a Kdrama, but the endings aren't like this, usually the guy grows to love again learning from the past and keeping his 1st love in his memories. =)

    • But right now I tried moving on like dating girls. But it's hard to date a girl, if you know that you are still inlove with someone. Its like lying to her. And that is just sick. But honestly, I'm still a guy, and I never even really kissed a girl yet. Guys started calling me gay and all. I take my relationships seriously, because I think a relationship is useless if it's just for sexual needs and no romance. All I want right now is to have someone I love in my arms right now because Iam so depressed!

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What Girls Said 5

  • i thought you liked her.. buddy am sorry you seem to be preety confused and for the grl for whom you changed you wll lose her if you said they were mistaken. you seem like you hav too much things on your head and the changes you have been through are kind a makin you confuse & am sorry to say that until you tell me what happened and what you really want I can't help u.

    if you have any questions or something you wanna share or ask need some suggestions,

    feel free to message anytime. :)

    • I didn't actually got to finish what happened. It's not about what happened to me it was about what happened to her in the end. I was just telling how I met her to the end.

    • i still wanna know your whole story because you said how sh was gone and I don't get that am sorry may b am actin a little dumb here but I really don't know what hapened and I would like to hear from u.. because on this site if you check my profile I mostly help people with love and breakups and I really wanna know what happened because I always like people getting into love always forever!

    • I'm continuing it piece by piece

  • thats really sweet an I think you falled for her once again right there again. :)

  • i don't think its on you its problems every relationship have but if you want her back then talk to her don't turn yo back on her if yal can fix it

    • I didn't actually got to finish what happened. It's not about what happened to me it was about what happened to her in the end. I was just telling how I met her to the end.

    • most of you didn't get my point. My question is if it's my fault?

  • Just talk to her again.

  • have yal talked again


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