Am I supposed to let him go??

I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, though there's so much to tell, I don't know how to do that.

I dated a guy 7 years ago for a few months. We split up because I was too young (he was 30 and I was 21) and he ended up back with his ex fiancee (they had broken up because she cheated) and they married. They had a child and he gave her everything. She cheated multiple times, used him for his money and then finally took off for some young kid..and has since then been with multiple losers (ie: druggies, criminals, etc.). She of course crushed him...controlled him for years, kept him from his friends, family, hobbies...he described his home life as "walking into a dark cloud". But, he believed in the oath he took and was committed to his marriage...until she left.

She left in September of 2009 and about 2 months later, he found me on Facebook. He told me everything that happened and we continued talking. Of course within a few months we were spending hours on the phone and going out together on occasion. Finally, we decided to try our relationship again. Everything started our wonderful. We both realized how much chemistry we had and now that I was older and ready for a relationship, things were perfect. Of course several months passed and the reality of his divorce took it's toll on him. He was going to counseling for a period of time and I was always talking to him about it. I had been through a bad break-up about a year and a half before we got together, so I knew that healing was a process. He put up a wall and I knew it would be a while before I could take it down.

After the required one year separation, his divorce was final at the beginning of December 2010. He had moved on from the heartbreak of losing his wife, but was still working through the pain of failure and betrayal and all the other feelings involved. He was up and down A LOT through the separation and tried to end our relationship on many occasions because he felt as though he was bringing me down. I kept holding on and stuck by his side and things were starting to look up. He was still h*llbent on believing that he would never be able to love 100% again, but I knew that was just "the wall" and expected it.

So, now...a year into dating, he says we have to end it. He said that I am his best friend and everything he could ever possibly want in a girl and that if he couldn't make it work with ME, then he knew no one else would either. He says that he can't continue to string me along when he doesn't know if he can ever be willing to commit again. He says I'm still young and single and I can easily find someone that WILL love me completely and he doesn't want to hold me back from that. He says he will miss ME, but the pressure of our relationship and that trying to force deep


Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi. I am sorry to hear. From the sounds of it, you really do love him. However, sometimes love by itself is not enough. Ending a marriage is very different from ending a relationship, it is a lot more taxing, financially and emotionally, and the healing process takes much longer. Sounds like he is going through a lot of guilt with ending his marriage, that is why he felt like he doesn't deserve to be with someone like you. He maybe afraid he will bring disappointment to your life. I think he is being completely honest with you. So, you need to evaluate the situation for yourself. You are 28, single, no kids, your life is simple and unrestricted ... being with him means your life will become more complicated, you will have to deal with his financial situation, you will have to help out with the step child, and since he had the child with his ex-wife, if you choose to be with him, inevitably, his ex-wife will also be in your life. You see what I mean? When you choose to with with him, you are not just with him, you have to deal with his past marriage as well, and it is not something that will go away after signing the divorce paper. Also, with the state he is in, he has told you very honestly that he cannot give you 100% love. I know you love him, a lot, but you need to think for yourself. Will you be happy in such an arrangement?

    I hope this help you make your decision.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Nice story, Well for me if this guy is still not ready to commit to a relationship and you value him so much..try to understand and spend time with him..can't blame the guy if he developed this insecurities caring and being manipulated by the woman he taught was his life..Still you should not force your feelings but make effort in helping him get on with his life though doing that would be a little unfair on your part that's probably the reason he is pushing you away could probably check on him from time to time until his regained his self-respect. Make him realize that there is someone now with him that respects, appreciates and cares about him..Only time can tell I hope you guys have a happy ending ='( your story makes may eyes watery a bit..


What Girls Said 2

  • I'm sorry for all you've gone through. From what I read it seems to me he can't be in that type of a relationship with you or maybe anyone at this time. If he continues its like he says he will only be stringing you along. He cherishes your friendship, but, cannot continue what you have. Unfortunately you have to let go. Try not to take it personal, he may not be ready for love for a very long time. What he has been through is traumatic and its not so easily fixed. Yes therapy will help, but it could be years before he feels total again. When people are abused and yes he was abused, they lose pieces of themselves its like being chipped at little by little until there's nothing left. Emotional abuse is like a raped that almost never ends. The only thing is that its not physical its all mental. When he is ready and only when he is ready. He will be able to let go of all that garbage he continues to carry.

  • hmmm this sounds like so much baggage and unnecessary drama...


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