How do you find motivation after a toxic relationship?

My ex had NPD and it still effects me. He threw me away like I was trash. I don’t have much motivation for things anymore. How do you heal yourself? Is it just time?

The discard happened in August and I’m still healing

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Mine was Oct! I'm done healing, but I'm still milking the value out of it. I'm not sure I can articulate the female side of this yet as we process the pain differently. Key is though, you are young, you have time and will do better next time when you take the lessons out of it.. then you will heal! There is a magical 3rd hand at work in this dance of love!

    Ask yourself:
    Why was I attracted to him? What were his flaws, our flaws, issues... write it all down. what was good?
    What did I learn about myself?
    What was the purpose of this relationship... e. g. was there some higher purpose in hindsight. (Ex. my prior relationship was good/bad. The bad was very painful... but it gave me the motivation to study and understand what went wrong, which helped me grow in many ways! A little acorn doesn't sprout to an oak tree without some stress to get out of that shell... get that?)
    In what ways do I want to change, things I don't like about myself
    Now look inside and see if you can find any pieces of you that received "love wounds" in childhood that relate to this experience. Write them down. Then work on reprocessing, re-working truth into them.

    Point is... once you get a perspective above the pain, that there was value... GREAT VALUE... in that suffering, and it converted you into a new you... it's like a butterfly transformation from cocoon to butterfly! ITs was worth it! Wouldn't wish it on anyone, but now look at my view of the world!!!::))) That FEELS Good, that gives positivity to the stress... which puts everything in perspective... then you heal, then are are free!! BINGO!

    it's the entrapment of negative thought patterns, emotional wounds... and physical wounds even, that leave us stuck in a state of suspension... not healing.

    For you, if that is your pic, you are obviously very attractive and will find another fella. I can't see your energy due to the pic so I can't read well what is going on. A guess based upon what I see of many young women now and your pic, I'd work on self esteem and make sure your self worth is pumped to the max! Life experiences and failures can tear you down. If it was a NPD or BPD or other mood disorder, those are worse as they are people who inflict wounds intentionally. If that's the case, I can help guide you past it.

    I hope that made sense, ask if you need clarfication.

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  • Volunteer work is good for rebuilding a positive wall and raising your self-esteem. Don't worry, what's going on with you is just a passing cloud.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Immerse yourself in a new creative outlet that takes your mind off of the pain at least that hour a day, and develops a sense of pride at the same time. Yoga, painting, something new you want to try...

    Sounds old fashioned, but the busier you are engaged in something new, the less you'll focus on that pain.

    I found Barre classes (which are hard!) and listening to podcasts completely unrelated to my messy life gave me an escape. I read about problems other people had so I didn't focus on my own, but learned a lot regardless. For example, reading about someone struggling with biploar disorder got my mind off of alcohol addiction. And comedians are great therapy. Find funny books comedians have written. Good, light reading.

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What Girls & Guys Said

18
  • You need to start focusing on yourself. Go to the gym, eat healthy. Just find a way to build your confidence. You're never truly over someone until you meet Mr. Right. But focusing on yourself, will make your ex seem like a distant memory. Embrace your passions.

    You are NOT trash. You will go on to do something great for this world. Keep Shinning bright =)

    What do you do for fun?

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  • Firstly you’re far better off without him. You are not trash, and you do not deserve to be treated that way. You are a strong woman, and you will be loved.

    Sadly, time is the only things that helps. Maybe you could take up a new hobby to help fill the time, and distract yourself from it

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  • Time heals everything. Others can affect us, but nobody has control over you or your emotions besides you. Bad things happens to all of us. What defines us is how we respond. How we continue. I don’t care about what people think about me or my character. It is only me that can disappoint myself. At the end of the day, no matter how shitty it was. I want to be able to say that I did good. I faced everything in a manner to make myself proud.

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  • You take a long break from relationships and surround yourself with people who cares about you. Then next time you just make sure that the guy you fancy aren't putting up any red flags for being like the last one.

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  • Let me know if you get passed it. My therapist hasn't made a dent

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    • I was seeing a therapist too and she didn’t help all that much. She didn’t do cognitive behavioral therapy which I think is a good approach to feeling from NPD. She kinda would just talk me through what I’m feeling and not tell me how to deal with it. There’s a Facebook page you can join that is great for women who went through this!

    • Appreciate the idea!

  • Just got to realize it wasn't you and u deserve better

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  • Well therapy might help but also focusing on your interests and goals

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  • ... What is NPD?

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  • I find a new girl

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