What can I do to overcome this? Thanks :)

It's been a year since my boyfriend of three years cheated on me with his ex. I really don't know how to over come the feeling of that I'm not good enough for him or I'm nor pretty enough or anything. I have no confidence at all in myself. How can I over come this feeling and also feel as if he won't cheat on me again. I really do love and care for him

Updates:
The majority of people are saying either

1) To dump him or 2) it's not my fault or just a combo of both.

I really don't want to leave our 3 year relationship.

Is there anything I can do to help myself and our relationship other than to leave him?
How can I figure out a way to forgive him and move in?
I asked him about why he cheated on me and he said "we were talking about the past and just remembering it brought back feelings, but I swear I will never cheat on you again. It's the worst mistake in my life to do that to you, and us."
We broke up and I'm glad. I feel a whole lot better

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hey I could have wrote this question and I kind of did a few months ago. First of all good for you for trying to work this out and get over these feelings. These feelings are very real and I ge that you just can't turn it off. Seriously, had you known in the beginning he was going to cheat on you upfront you would have never dated the guy. So here's my advice from myown personal experience I do believe for the most part that it does take two for the good and bad to happen which means what did you do maybe that pushed him away to cause it to happen? WHatever it was don't do it and believe that you've changed you're behavior and he has too.When you are having anxious thoughts you need to remind yourself hey I take good care of him, I try to make sure I always look attractive, I respect him and take care of him sexually. If you feel you are falling short then you should try to do m ore and the more you do the less anxious you feel. SOmetimes when we feel inadequate you do a lot of thining but not a lot of action. Send hi a flirty text or sexy note. Keep it fresh and make yourself interesting to him. No sweat pants and pony tails. Guys like variety so change it up. 3 years is a long time. It doesn't mean he will cheat on you again. Make yourself valuable and he will see you that way too.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 14

  • I'm sorry that you two broke up but I'm glad your feeling better. Just remember to not throw out the things about the relationship that were good. That way you can look for them in the next one and avoid the negative things as well. Good luck and I wish you the best.

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  • Don't forget this is about you and how you feel. If just telling you that it was a mistake doesn't change the way you feel, then you need a better answer than that. You might need to tell him exactly how you feel and what your looking for. Lets face it, every girl knows guys can be complete morons and totally miss the point. Relationships of any kind require work, and maintenance. He's torn up your garden bed and now it up to the two of you to clear out the weeds and plant the seeds that will bear a positive outcome. Trust your intuition, if something doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. It's just a matter of opening up bi-directional communication to figure out what it is. This is your life and your future, not just his. I find it worrisome that the past brings back "feelings." Feelings for what? For his ex? For you? What type of feelings? It sounds to be like your afraid he's settling for "second best." Guys generally don't share feelings too well. I think it's cause we guys tend to act on impulse without considering our own feelings or those of others. Well, I'm gonna stop now before I start rambling lol.. :)

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  • It's hard to imagine that you've wasted three years on someone. The real question is, do you want to waste another 10 or 15? How long do you expect to stay in this relationship? I'm sure he's said it was a mistake, that he's sorry, that it will never happen again. There might even be a part of you that wonders if he is still cheating, but you just haven't caught him yet. So now you have to really look at him as a person. You might even need to force him to tell you why he cheated to begin with, and don't accept that " I don't know." answer.

    You either have to jump in blindly and just give him the trust and forget the past ever happened or you have to admit you'll never be able to let it go and move on before you waste another three years feeling bad.

    Believe it or not, there was once a long time ago when people didn't even kiss till after they were married and men that cheated on their wives were put to death. I've even hear a rumor that in Texas there is a law that says that if you catch your wife cheating on you, you can shoot the man, but you also have to shoot your wife.

    Ok.. so if you really want to stay with this guy then the two of you are going to have to have a real conversation.

    You have to define exactly why what he did made you feel bad. You can't just say it made you feel bad, but you have to actually say why.

    You have to find out what he was really thinking. I mean, it was his ex, not just some random women, so there had to be some deeper reason for it. Don't accept that crap that you weren't fulfilling his needs.

    Once you both have the real truth out in the open, then you both need to discuss what needs to happen so that the relationship can move forward and I mean real definable objectives, not just vague promises.

    Well, that's just my opinion. Good luck. :)

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  • First, I would never stay with a cheating girl. And this is the precise reason why. It's not that a cheater has a greater risk of cheating again, it's that it would definitely develop insecurities from that point onward. Not just in wondering "if" when your partner is late or away from home, but insecurities in yourself from the first event.

    It's not healthy for you. It's not healthy for a relationship.

    I can understand that love can make someone forgive and get on with life with that same person however.

    The troubling thing is, if you don't feel you are good enough for him, or pretty enough, he obviously isn't telling you that you are those things. Based on what you have written here, I can't see him not being aware of how you feel in your actions. He sounds complacent.

    It's a tough one chick. I'm not telling you to break it off with him, but I really think how you are feeling is a product of your current environment. And if it's been going on for 3 years, you have to ask if it will ever pass in this environment. Perhaps you can have a break? See how your thoughts about yourself change. Maybe don't even treat it as such. Take a holiday without him if you can (girls trip?). Talk to your most trusted about how you are feeling.

    If it does come to that hard decision. Just remember there are plenty of guys that will completely turn those thoughts on their head for you.

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    • If we take a break, it's a break up. We both don't agree in breaks and I can't take a trip anywhere sadly due to many reasons. But what did you mean by your last sentence?

  • It was NOT about you. That is the real truth. It was about him wishing to return to where he once was and try again with someone familar and easy to connect with. What was defective was NOT you nor him but how "connected" he felt internally as a member of your couple. Sometimes a man needs to reopen a door that was closed in the past to discover what he truly wants now. That hurts the one you are with but it is from an individual's perspective - human. Being attractive to a partner is NOT compensation for being wanted and feeling connected to them. The failure was NOT you. The failure was the fact you did not see it coming. Now and in the future you will and you will work on connecting with your man rather than expect that being a couple is connection in itself. Cheating s wrong when it is deceitful but the cheating act is NOT. It is a manifestation of needs not being met. Cease focusing on you and communicate with your man next time.

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  • better re-evaluate yourself on this issue, you won't be happy in the future if this guy does it again..however I can admire you for you still gave the guy a chance he might deserve at all..you should fix your attitude read self help books and try to update your style and look..so that in the even he does it or leaves you..there will be other guys that will appreciate your change =)

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    • Thanks for the advice but I highly doubt he'll cheat on me again. He says it's the worst mistake of his life...

    • learn to forgive but not to forget, that is one of those bumps on the road regarding a relationship..personally I have good friends that have cheated on their partners but I'am not saying I'am with them on those situation I just point out their mistakes and ask them if they were happy about it, most would not admit it at first because there was thrill but after that there is guilt..work on your trust but don't give him reasons to cheat you deserve to be cared for and respected too..=)

  • You can sincerly try to get hm back,if you are wiling,make him understand the real situations to sip on.Try to get messages are informations on his mind regarding you from his friends or through messages.Take patience and ask him just give a chane to confess yourself if you are guity and you don't want to loose him,may be some misunderstandings if so can melt by diret open discussions.If he fall with other girl find her deficiencies and make up it with him.If yo know his weakness hit on it and take the advantage of it.Any way please him with your available resources to a maximum to come back to you,if you are willing to sacrifice and wants to restore the relation.All the thing you have to do is make a chane to have an open discussion to convince your innocents.makr him pleased and and attached to you with your thought deed and action.Be confident in you you are not deficient in anything for him as he knows you but treat him liberely to please him.surely you will succeed.

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  • Most guys cheat, many women also cheat this is the natural way of things. All that matters is how he treats you and makes you feel loved or not, if you enjoy his company and love him then let him cheat and stay with him, getting out of a relationship for such a trivial matter as 'cheating' is not worth it

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  • understand thatr your both mammals with fur and teeth so don't pick hairs that man has a penis so take care of him better than anyone else and he's yours. stand by your man duh

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  • leave him right now.

    start a new relationship with a decent guy, and you won't think of this a-hole anymore.

    <3

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  • Congrats! Good job! Wanna get coffee sometime? ;)

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  • Focus

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  • Ditch his ass

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  • Eat a d*** and open your sex life up.

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What Girls Said 23

  • Honestly this will always be in the back of your mind...my guy has never cheated and I still get a bit nervous about him going to crazy parties and stuff...its only natural and gets worse when something has previously happened. As for feeling pretty, do things that make you feel better about yourself, get your hair or nails done, pamper yourself for a day, try new tricks with makeup and most of all tell yourself your beautiful when you look in the mirror...have you ever heard Christina Agulara's song I am beautiful? Well telling myself I am on a bad day helps a bit, its not meant to be concieted, just like you gotta love yourself for others to love you...i Understand not wanting to end your relationship after so long :) I'm in a longterm relationship, things and expectations change :) its good that your working on things but if he messes up in a big way again, then it would be time to say goodbye in my opinion...i hope I helped :)

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  • Personally, if a boyfriend of mine ever did that, I would see it as the character flaw that it really is and have no choice but to leave him. I just cannot stand infidelity in any form. It is much more about HIM than it is about what you see as being YOUR FAULT. If he has some need that is not being met by your relationship or something that you are doing that bothers him, or if he is insecure and dealing with his own insecurity by cheating like that, then the issue or issues need to be addressed by talking to you about them or it. It's called communication. The last thing I would do is assume that there is something about YOU that is wrong. If you do feel like you don't have enough confidence then that tends to show through to others. If you don't love yourself then how can you expect others to do so? If you really have the gut feeling that this will never happen again and believe that the relationship can be salvaged, then I think communication is really important here. I hope this helps you.

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  • well, let me see... has he done anything to make you think he'll cheat again? or are you so low in yourself that you don't care and if he did it again you'd forgive him, again...? (Or maybe you have...?)

    the way you get over this is by working on yourself. You are good enough, pretty enough, etc. for you and that's all that SHOULD matter. If you can't even say that about yourself, how is anyone else going to? It's simple logic. EXTREMELY hard to do when you feel like sh about yourself...

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  • First of all you should never stay with a boyfriend that's cheated on you...ever. Figure out a way to break up with him...just do it quickly...like ripping off a bandaid and don't let him convince you that you're making a mistake, because you're not. Then find some sort of hobby that will distract you from that and something that you are decent at which will boost your self-esteem. Maybe painting, horseback riding...or whatever you think you'd like or be good at. (:

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  • the only thing is dump him..

    are you sure you really don't want to leaved the relationship...If you already given him a chance

    if that so, then try to move on don't dwell on what happened from the past..

    Did you ask him if he really want to stay with you?

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    • I asked him many times if he wanted to be with me. He always says yes

    • then start all over again..well good luck girl...

      there's always a reason why sometimes we made a mistake because god want us to be learned something new. I hope this will served as a lesson from him and to your relationship.

  • He cheated on you but still stay in a relationship that’s definitely hard. But I don’t blame you for that because you loved him. But it can ruin your relationship, because I’m sure after cheating on you. Your trust on him is not like before. It’s hard to stay in a relationship with more doubt. Do you guys break up after the cheating?

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    • Yeah, a few times we did and there was a few things that happened that led him to make out with his ex when we were broken up for a week... It still gives me a nightmare type of chill throughout my body that it actually happened

  • I am glad that you both broke up. I hope this transition for you goes fast.

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  • I had the same thing happen but we have a child together so it is much worse. but after 3 years my now ex cheated on me with a co-worker. He hid it for so long that finally when I told him I was done with his sorry ass he told me that he didn't care and pretty much threw "her" in my face so that's how I knew. They do say once a cheater always a cheater and the only reason I say that is because he cheated on his girlfriend before me with me so that's how I kinda knew it was bound to happen. So I think you need to get out while you can because one way or another if you keep him he will just start making up good stories to get yu to believe his lies so he can get away yet again behind your back with cheating on you. So tell him audios and asta la vista! Peace Out Scumbag!

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  • It's been a year, it's time to get over it. If he seems like he is going to do it again, give the man some slack. Otherwise, you will just push him away & lose him forever. Sometimes you just have to let things go, & take a leap. If he hasn't done anything to show he is cheating, give him the benefit of the doubt. If you feel like he's done something, just approach him about your concerns. Tell him you want to move on, but need to know if anything has happened since last year.

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  • In response to your update - did you ask your sister or a close girlfriend?

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    • My sister doesn't really care what I do with my life, she's more concern about her. And my closest girlfriend is my boyfriend's cousin... So she tries to stay neutral which I completely agree with her doing. And all the rest of my friends are guys that are my boyfriend's best friends... So I'm kinda have no help.

    • Show All
    • close girlfriend ... so your saying she's bi?

    • No she ment it as friend wise

  • Well I'm sorry but it's true you should leave him if he cheated on you ,you should not be with him .Let me tell you something you are a beautiful young lady smart and brave so don't let no man let you feel like that,but if you feel like you still want to be with him then that is your decision but make sure its the right decision.

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  • The same thing happened to me. I finally decided I didn't want to settle.. because staying with someone who cheats on you IS settling. The feeling will never go away (I waited a few years for it to). You just have to choose to leave, or choose to stay with that feeling in the back of your mind that it could happen again! Hope this helps and good luck.

    P.S. - Remember you're not the only one going through this, I hope that gives you some comfort! Stay strong girl :)

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  • I've been in the same situation. You will never truly get over it. Whenever you can't get ahold of him, or don't know where he is, you will always question whether or not he is being faithful. I would get out if I were you. Do you really want to live the rest or your life (or whatever the case may be) with that anxiety! Leave now honey! I know it's hard, but I wish I would have years ago and I realize now I wasted so much time!

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  • Honestly, no. Why stay with someone who cheated on you? Also you'll never forget what he did, you'll always feel like crap and not good enough and it will never go away. Think of it this way, if you were to cheat on him would he stay with you?

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    • No he wouldn't stay. He already told me that multiple times before and after he cheated.

  • : We broke up and I'm glad. I feel a whole lot better

    GOOD FOR YOU! you can do better :)

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  • I'd dump his ass. I bet he expects you not to cheat. Am I right?

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  • You need to realize that you are a great person! It's him who is the problem. He obviously has no sense of morality if he's willing to cheat on you. The problem is that once a guy cheats, you can never trust him the same way again, and you constantly are burdened by the feeling that you aren't good enough for him. From what you've said, I gather two things.

    (1) You are in a relationship with a guy who doesn't make you feel good about yourself.

    (2) You are in a relationship with a guy you can't trust.

    Those two things are a recipe for disaster in a relationship. My advice is to let him go and find someone who appreciates you the way you deserve to be appreciated.

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  • he needs to renforce his love and care for you. that's the issue here. has he worked on the trust issues with you together as a couple? have you two discussed seriously the damage done by his actions and how to move forward? has he reassured you it wasn't a loss of attraction to you but a huge mistake on his part? I am going through the same thing, except my bfwon't admit what he did, its out there everyone knows, the proof was allover the place but he denies it. and I stay because I have no faith in anyone else, may as well stay with the guy who brought me home a disease. sorry, bitter about this all. and I'm hopingyou don't end up a wasted heart like me.

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    • I'm so sorry about what happened to you, that's horrible :(

      ...but he really hasn't worked the trust issues out... and he doesn't do anything to help really even though he says he will help me get through this...

  • Its his responsibility to make you feel that way, its been a year and you still feel you aren't good enough then he isn't putting the effort forth to make you feel beautiful and loved. You need a man that will 1. treat you with respect 2. not cheat on you. . .You need to make him feel like he's lucky that you even stayed with his disrespectful unfaithful sorry ass.

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  • Your main problem here is that you are making a big decision about this relationship based on YOUR FEELINGS. This is a bad move, and one that women tend to make because we're just emotional beings. Well, here's my advice: take a piece of paper, and split it into two columns. On one half, write down all the pros of staying in this relationship. On the other, write down all of the cons. When you're done, pretend to yourself that you have decided to stay with him. Let this "decision" settle with you for 24 hours. Then the next day, you will know what you have to do based on whether or not you're happy with the "decision".

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    • I have done that before and I'm content with the decision. I'm all about pro and con lists

  • As a person who was cheated on before and who cheated myself I tell you one thing for sure - once a cheater, always a cheater. Its not because you are not good enough for him, or not pretty enough, etc. its because that's who he is. Its his personality. If you ready to carry this burden, be ready for a long and tough ride.

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    • I'm sorry you've been cheated on before but I don't agree with once a cheater always a cheater

    • I don't agree with that either. I was the "other woman" once, and I would never ever do that again. I have been cheated on and the pain of that is so overwhelming that I would never want to cause that to anyone I cared about. When in a relationship I make sure not to put myself in situations where cheating is even an option. (me cheating, that is, you can't control what other people do) I don't hang out with men alone, I don't engage in flirting, I don't IM or talk on the phone w/other men.

  • are you still with him? I think it would be a good idea to take a breather from him.

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    • I'm still with him. And if we take a break, it's the end of our relationship for good.

    • no offense, but that might not be a bad thing. from what I'm reading it sounds like you're blaming yourself for this and not him, when in reality this is completely his fault. it has nothing to do with you

    • I feel like I pushed him to do it because we were both mad at each other when it happened. Plus I don't help anything by making him angry and causing our relationship to suck sometimes when I get upset from it

  • In all honesty, I would not have stayed with a cheating boyfriend. It might do you some good to consider breaking up with him. That is the only way to know 100% that he is not going to cheat on you again (because he is no longer with you). That said, I know how difficult it is to break up with someone you've been with for a while, but you shouldn't love someone so much that you put your own psychological health at risk. Maybe get out now before he gets the chance to hurt you again. You're young and still have time to meet someone who can treat you better. Sorry to be blunt, but that's my best advice.

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    • How is it hurting my psychological health?

    • emotional strain causes stigma and psychological damage, therefor hurting your psychological health. It's bad, it can lead to depression, low self esteem, resentment, paranoia and you may even start to feel physical effects: loss of appetite, anxiety, chest pain, stomach upset, loss of energy, low interest in activity... You can feel straight up sick. It can become debilitating.

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