What can I do to overcome this? Thanks :)

It's been a year since my boyfriend of three years cheated on me with his ex. I really don't know how to over come the feeling of that I'm not good enough for him or I'm nor pretty enough or anything. I have no confidence at all in myself. How can I over come this feeling and also feel as if he won't cheat on me again. I really do love and care for him

Updates:
The majority of people are saying either

1) To dump him or 2) it's not my fault or just a combo of both.

I really don't want to leave our 3 year relationship.

Is there anything I can do to help myself and our relationship other than to leave him?
How can I figure out a way to forgive him and move in?
I asked him about why he cheated on me and he said "we were talking about the past and just remembering it brought back feelings, but I swear I will never cheat on you again. It's the worst mistake in my life to do that to you, and us."
We broke up and I'm glad. I feel a whole lot better

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hey I could have wrote this question and I kind of did a few months ago. First of all good for you for trying to work this out and get over these feelings. These feelings are very real and I ge that you just can't turn it off. Seriously, had you known in the beginning he was going to cheat on you upfront you would have never dated the guy. So here's my advice from myown personal experience I do believe for the most part that it does take two for the good and bad to happen which means what did you do maybe that pushed him away to cause it to happen? WHatever it was don't do it and believe that you've changed you're behavior and he has too.When you are having anxious thoughts you need to remind yourself hey I take good care of him, I try to make sure I always look attractive, I respect him and take care of him sexually. If you feel you are falling short then you should try to do m ore and the more you do the less anxious you feel. SOmetimes when we feel inadequate you do a lot of thining but not a lot of action. Send hi a flirty text or sexy note. Keep it fresh and make yourself interesting to him. No sweat pants and pony tails. Guys like variety so change it up. 3 years is a long time. It doesn't mean he will cheat on you again. Make yourself valuable and he will see you that way too.

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What Guys Said 14

  • better re-evaluate yourself on this issue, you won't be happy in the future if this guy does it again..however I can admire you for you still gave the guy a chance he might deserve at all..you should fix your attitude read self help books and try to update your style and look..so that in the even he does it or leaves you..there will be other guys that will appreciate your change =)

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    • Thanks for the advice but I highly doubt he'll cheat on me again. He says it's the worst mistake of his life...

    • learn to forgive but not to forget, that is one of those bumps on the road regarding a relationship..personally I have good friends that have cheated on their partners but I'am not saying I'am with them on those situation I just point out their mistakes and ask them if they were happy about it, most would not admit it at first because there was thrill but after that there is guilt..work on your trust but don't give him reasons to cheat you deserve to be cared for and respected too..=)

  • Don't forget this is about you and how you feel. If just telling you that it was a mistake doesn't change the way you feel, then you need a better answer than that. You might need to tell him exactly how you feel and what your looking for. Lets face it, every girl knows guys can be complete morons and totally miss the point. Relationships of any kind require work, and maintenance. He's torn up your garden bed and now it up to the two of you to clear out the weeds and plant the seeds that will bear a positive outcome. Trust your intuition, if something doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. It's just a matter of opening up bi-directional communication to figure out what it is. This is your life and your future, not just his. I find it worrisome that the past brings back "feelings." Feelings for what? For his ex? For you? What type of feelings? It sounds to be like your afraid he's settling for "second best." Guys generally don't share feelings too well. I think it's cause we guys tend to act on impulse without considering our own feelings or those of others. Well, I'm gonna stop now before I start rambling lol.. :)

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  • It's hard to imagine that you've wasted three years on someone. The real question is, do you want to waste another 10 or 15? How long do you expect to stay in this relationship? I'm sure he's said it was a mistake, that he's sorry, that it will never happen again. There might even be a part of you that wonders if he is still cheating, but you just haven't caught him yet. So now you have to really look at him as a person. You might even need to force him to tell you why he cheated to begin with, and don't accept that " I don't know." answer.

    You either have to jump in blindly and just give him the trust and forget the past ever happened or you have to admit you'll never be able to let it go and move on before you waste another three years feeling bad.

    Believe it or not, there was once a long time ago when people didn't even kiss till after they were married and men that cheated on their wives were put to death. I've even hear a rumor that in Texas there is a law that says that if you catch your wife cheating on you, you can shoot the man, but you also have to shoot your wife.

    Ok.. so if you really want to stay with this guy then the two of you are going to have to have a real conversation.

    You have to define exactly why what he did made you feel bad. You can't just say it made you feel bad, but you have to actually say why.

    You have to find out what he was really thinking. I mean, it was his ex, not just some random women, so there had to be some deeper reason for it. Don't accept that crap that you weren't fulfilling his needs.

    Once you both have the real truth out in the open, then you both need to discuss what needs to happen so that the relationship can move forward and I mean real definable objectives, not just vague promises.

    Well, that's just my opinion. Good luck. :)

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  • First, I would never stay with a cheating girl. And this is the precise reason why. It's not that a cheater has a greater risk of cheating again, it's that it would definitely develop insecurities from that point onward. Not just in wondering "if" when your partner is late or away from home, but insecurities in yourself from the first event.

    It's not healthy for you. It's not healthy for a relationship.

    I can understand that love can make someone forgive and get on with life with that same person however.

    The troubling thing is, if you don't feel you are good enough for him, or pretty enough, he obviously isn't telling you that you are those things. Based on what you have written here, I can't see him not being aware of how you feel in your actions. He sounds complacent.

    It's a tough one chick. I'm not telling you to break it off with him, but I really think how you are feeling is a product of your current environment. And if it's been going on for 3 years, you have to ask if it will ever pass in this environment. Perhaps you can have a break? See how your thoughts about yourself change. Maybe don't even treat it as such. Take a holiday without him if you can (girls trip?). Talk to your most trusted about how you are feeling.

    If it does come to that hard decision. Just remember there are plenty of guys that will completely turn those thoughts on their head for you.

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    • If we take a break, it's a break up. We both don't agree in breaks and I can't take a trip anywhere sadly due to many reasons. But what did you mean by your last sentence?

  • I'm sorry that you two broke up but I'm glad your feeling better. Just remember to not throw out the things about the relationship that were good. That way you can look for them in the next one and avoid the negative things as well. Good luck and I wish you the best.

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What Girls Said 23

  • Personally, if a boyfriend of mine ever did that, I would see it as the character flaw that it really is and have no choice but to leave him. I just cannot stand infidelity in any form. It is much more about HIM than it is about what you see as being YOUR FAULT. If he has some need that is not being met by your relationship or something that you are doing that bothers him, or if he is insecure and dealing with his own insecurity by cheating like that, then the issue or issues need to be addressed by talking to you about them or it. It's called communication. The last thing I would do is assume that there is something about YOU that is wrong. If you do feel like you don't have enough confidence then that tends to show through to others. If you don't love yourself then how can you expect others to do so? If you really have the gut feeling that this will never happen again and believe that the relationship can be salvaged, then I think communication is really important here. I hope this helps you.

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  • Honestly this will always be in the back of your mind...my guy has never cheated and I still get a bit nervous about him going to crazy parties and stuff...its only natural and gets worse when something has previously happened. As for feeling pretty, do things that make you feel better about yourself, get your hair or nails done, pamper yourself for a day, try new tricks with makeup and most of all tell yourself your beautiful when you look in the mirror...have you ever heard Christina Agulara's song I am beautiful? Well telling myself I am on a bad day helps a bit, its not meant to be concieted, just like you gotta love yourself for others to love you...i Understand not wanting to end your relationship after so long :) I'm in a longterm relationship, things and expectations change :) its good that your working on things but if he messes up in a big way again, then it would be time to say goodbye in my opinion...i hope I helped :)

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  • well, let me see... has he done anything to make you think he'll cheat again? or are you so low in yourself that you don't care and if he did it again you'd forgive him, again...? (Or maybe you have...?)

    the way you get over this is by working on yourself. You are good enough, pretty enough, etc. for you and that's all that SHOULD matter. If you can't even say that about yourself, how is anyone else going to? It's simple logic. EXTREMELY hard to do when you feel like sh about yourself...

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  • First of all you should never stay with a boyfriend that's cheated on you...ever. Figure out a way to break up with him...just do it quickly...like ripping off a bandaid and don't let him convince you that you're making a mistake, because you're not. Then find some sort of hobby that will distract you from that and something that you are decent at which will boost your self-esteem. Maybe painting, horseback riding...or whatever you think you'd like or be good at. (:

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  • the only thing is dump him..

    are you sure you really don't want to leaved the relationship...If you already given him a chance

    if that so, then try to move on don't dwell on what happened from the past..

    Did you ask him if he really want to stay with you?

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    • I asked him many times if he wanted to be with me. He always says yes

    • then start all over again..well good luck girl...

      there's always a reason why sometimes we made a mistake because god want us to be learned something new. I hope this will served as a lesson from him and to your relationship.

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