My ex and I lost all our trust but u have such feelings for him?

Please help. Basically me and this guy have been on and off for 2 years. Everything was perfect at the beginning. Like I knew this guy was the ‘one’ But I got sick of the long distance and he didn’t spend much time with me, so I tried to break it off. He convinced me to stay & in July I got scared he was using me for my looks because he’d drove 2 hours we went out to a bar then he just fuck me in his car and leave. I would cry wishing we could spend more time. But he said he was tired and wanted to rest the next day & he loved me more than anything. He was soo nice and caring so it was hard to think he was using me. Then one day in July I didn’t get his messages and he tells me he’s gonna go out with another girl. I was heartbroken and said maybe we can meet for closure and talk because the fact that he would say that hurt so bad. He promised he was just saying that cause he was mad and said we could meet for closure. I then found out he went on the date and he lied instead of meeting up with me. I was devastated and he pushed me away to another guy, a naked model. The other guy was so kind & said he wanted to marry me but my ex said he was so in love with me & I stil had feelings for him. So in September I was gonna take him back but then I saw he was using live webcam sites while he was trying to earn my trust. Even tipped the girls! He says he’s against paying girls I was crushed again and couldn’t give him a chance I lost all his trust. So he kept begging begging for months and in November I gave it one last try cause I still had feelings. And everything was good we finally were dating again and it felt great. However, in April he started accusing me of cheating and saw I talked to guys wen we had broke up. He got mad st me but was begging for me in September knowing I talked to guys it doesn’t make sense. We agreed to completely drop the past in December. I updated the question so please read the rest If the story below!!!
Updates:
6 mo
some guy texted me saying I hope u had a great time he was talking about my bday dinner& he saw that and thought I cheated. I texted my boyfriend all day saying it was a misunderstanding and I’m so in love with him. He never replied and he never ignores me so I figured my boyfriend was done. I felt suicidal and every week he kept threrunijg yo leave. So I gave up and planned a date for next weekend. He then texted me the next week saying he was gonna think things over but kept changing his mind.
6 mo
it was my bday week I wanted to be happy and I was exhausted of begging for him the past two months. So then on Saturday he told me he was done. I had a breakdown went to the er. They gave me resources and my family and support all recommended I go out on a date to get my mind off this. So that Sunday I went on a date but I hated it and it made me feel more suicidal. Then my ex called me that Sunday night saying he needed me and wanted to try this.
My ex and I lost all our trust but u have such feelings for him?
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