I feel beyond horrible... please help?

( I'll explain the best I can, without giving away names to protect our privacy... )

It's all so emotional and complicated:

So, I loved this girl on G@G for a long time and we Both had intense feelings for each other, not afraid to say anything to each other; just intense love. But just like any relationship with the more you say, the more you may argue...

After a while, Because of this, she felt the need to change herself for me (to maybe not to argue as much I assume), and to ease down and regroup herself. By doing this, she took a break from me by ghosting me for over a month, but leaving me feeling devastated and depressed... She Didn't explain that was the reason why she ghosted me. She only said "I had bad issues going on and couldn't text you", which made me think it was excuses...

(Half of the reason was also because she had a horrible time with household issues, let's just say, making her feel even worse. But still... Why didn't she just ask for my help, I was always willing to be there for her)

Anyways, Largely Cutting to the chase here; I thought she was just making excuses &while waiting for her reply, I was like slowly killing myself, I waited and waited and took so much pain emotionally and physically, until my arms were bleeding. I thought I really messed up somehow.. I couldn't control it, I had to force myself to lose some feelings to manage my own self!

We argued tonight, I got very emotional and said "Loving you was a mistake" without meaning it, I actually still love her Because She Came Back and i was growing those feelings back FAST.. but I let my sadness and anger get in the way.. those final words destroyed her.. That was when she had no choice but to tell me the truth of what happened, I cried and realized that I Fully love her, but it was too late; she deleted her acc as I attempted to reply. I just want her back now. I'm am idiot ***hole... I'd do anything to take back what I said, I was only emotional. Just.. What have I done?
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Forgot to add: the reason why she left wasn't because she's angry, if you're wondering. It's loss of hope; she knew that I said I lost feelings for her, and she left me "not because she wants to, but because I want it that way".. or at least that's what she thought.. She prolly left so devastated and depressed (I feel so horrible)
I realized that I still truly had feelings for her in the end
I feel beyond horrible... please help?
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