Is it normal to still think about your ex after three years without seeing her?

[markml]

Define "normal"...

It happens. Let's put it that way.

I have a friend who moved half way around the world to be with a girl, who then broke up with him. And years later he was still pining over her, still in that other country, trying to find a way to get her back. And I think eventually they did get back together for a short while, but it didn't make him happier. She treated him like crap.

So while what you're going through is very relatable to anyone who has ever had their heart broken (myself included), I have to tell you that after three years, it's no longer ordinary heart break from a relationship ending. At this point, it's "romantic obsession", which is not a good state of mind to be in and won't lead to your happiness.

I've been there myself too before. Not a great place to be.

Based on personal experience, here is what I think is really going on:

At this point, you are more in love with "the idea of being in love with her" than you are actually in love with her. You remember the fire, and you are afraid of letting that fire die, so you carry a torch with you wherever you go, even though it might burn you. Along with that fire, you've replayed the echos of the relationship over and over again, until you hear the echos more than the actual relationship. The subtle nuance of when it was real is gone. It's mainly just reverberations of raw feelings now. And so much of your attention has been focused on how things could have gone differently, if you had only made different choices. You have analyzed and reanalyzed your choices over and over again, and blamed yourself for the relationship being over. And you spend way too little time considering the fact that if the relationship were meant to be, it should have been able to survive any single poor choice you made.

Does this sound like what you might be going through? That's romantic obsession.

The thing about romantic obsession is that this occurs when you've become obsessed with the IDEAL of what you WANTED the relationship to be, so much so that you've neglected what the relationship actually was.

I'm not saying that if the relationship had been perfect, it would have lasted. I'm saying that NO relationship is perfect. None are really that "ideal" that you're holding onto. And the reason you're holding onto a relationship from your past that you can never get back, is because you're scared of embracing the future... which will inevitably involve walking into another non-ideal relationship...

So it's much better to yearn for the past, and pretend the past were your ideal. It's convenient, because you'll never get that past back.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you do have a chance to get your ex back. The only way to know is to try. You haven't seen her in three years. Have you even tried to make contact? If you're this hung up over her, you should probably let her know how you feel. Not a million times, because that would stalking and harassment. But at least once. If three years have gone by with no contact, she is probably in a very different place in her life. She might decide it's worth giving you another chance with a clean slate, because enough time has gone by. Or, she might say, "Hell no."

But you don't know unless you tell her. And I'm not saying it will end well. It probably will not, even if she gets back together with you. However, if you get that second chance, you might learn something you didn't realize the first time.

In any case, it's a way to move forward... which makes it much better than what you're currently doing. You're not moving forward. You're living in a delusion at the moment, because that's what it's called when you're obsessing over someone you haven't seen in years. Memory is easily corruptible. I guarantee you that you're not remembering things correctly, no matter how many times you've replayed them in your head. You need to evaluate how you feel off of current experiences, not three year old memories that may be distorted at this point.

[AnthonyJ01]

It is normal especially if they did you wrong. Mine cheated on me, stole and destroyed a lot of my own and my son's personal property. She did nothing but lie in court. I even recorded her admitting it. She was backed up and supported by her children and her mother. They all took part in it.

[psychoticanimallover]

Have you tried replacing the missing pieces with bulgur wheat? Do you still think about her because you love her, or do you still think about her because you LOATHE her and what she did to your poor battered heart? If it’s the former, you’re screwed. If it’s the latter, you’re fucked. Sorry Henry.

[Tututwerl09]

To me it depends how the relationship ended. With my ex he was a loser so... no I dont think about him and he's ALWAYS hitting me up. Cheater loser... big L

[Anonymous]

I do. I don’t think about him but I do. Like he is on my mind and I think about what he did and how he hurt me. But I no longer wonder wha he is doing or if he regrets it. I just say it’s okay because at least I’m happier now than I was when I was with him

[Anonymous]

I do but then again I broke it off he did nothing I did nothing but I thought I wasn't good enough and he deserves better and he wasn't right for me even if he didn't see it. I protected him by lying that my phone got sold and faked I was someone else with a new phone who didn't know me. I still think of him 😔

[lexiepotter]

Whatever you do don't try to date anyone else, you're clearly not over her and the next girl will suffer the consequences and she doesn't deserve that

[Andres77]

It's normal to think and remember any girl with whom you've had relationships... but to dwell on them too much will take you away from your present more important relationship.

[sheikalana]

I think it's normal to remember our exes once in a while but to still think about them daily after three years I wouldn't say it's very healthy.

[TeeBar]

It is normal to think about any person even if you've not seen them for a while. Something can trigger a memory about anything.

[ArrowheadSW]

Sure it is normal. It sounds like it was a very traumatic event for you.

[msc545]

You survived a very bad problem. You are lucky she is no longer around. You don't deserve anyone that behaves like that and you can do a lot better. You don't miss her what you miss is the person you thought she was.

[Anonymous]

Same for me, but i have 4 yares. If you know how to stop the pain please tell me as well

[Jmmmfi4]

That's what they do & they get off on doing it.

Best to not get involved. Then you don't have to feel that again.

[nella965]

maybe thats why you have decided to join the rest of the woman hating gang on this website.

[bclbn77006]

yes, its normal.
if you really love her then she will be in your memory for lifetime.

[CriticalDiscourse]

No, that sounds like you need some counselling.

[Espresso-Grande]

It's normal if you haven't moved on.

[KrakenAttackin]

It's normal for a man. Women move on in nanoseconds.

[CuriousMufuxka]

I hope not. What are you going to do about it?

[Unit1]

Yes. They are evil!

EVIL

[EaterPeter]

Yes, totally normal.

[Anonymous]

No...