How do I fix this behavior and where does it come from?

Question

I know he's moved to a new place but I kept seeing his car parked in the street so I was kind of relieved because I thought he may have moved to a different street but still in the same area. He also works near my house. Anyways, as long as I saw his car parked I was okay because I knew he was still here somewhere. Yesterday I took a walk in that area and his car was nowhere to be seen (I knew he was working but since he works near his place, he never takes the car) and I freaked out. It happens all the time, he is a creature of habit, very methodical person, he used to walk his dog at the same time every single day etc, so I knew how and where to find him If I wanted to see him. It's been 4 months since I saw him face to face but I still have this desire of seeing him again once I'll be fully healed and the fact that he might be gone or have quit his job (I met him at the drugstore he works at) freaks me out. I know I have control manias, but is it where this behavior comes from? I mean I'm not into him anymore, I'm almost romantically uninterested but then I have such reactions and I don't get it.

Answer 1

btbc92

Influencer

I think my main concern is your obsession with men you don't even really know. This behavior just sounds like you have desires you can't fulfill because something isn't right. If you feel like you have problems that are psychologically abnormal you should know where you have to go: seeing a professional. It is clear you do have interest in this guy and you scared he is either dating or having sex with other women and he didn't show any interest in you. You know that this is abnormal, acknowledge that, but you did nothing about it either. You still hope he would show you interest but you stuck between hoping and obsession. You say you aren't interested but your lying to yourself.

It is not that you have control problems. But that you are pining after a guy you really want. You just feel like what your doing is wrong. In a way it is. But it is also hindering you from living your life normally. Something happened in the past that made you feel like that. And you need to get that evaluated. It's again you attracted to a guy you don't really know. That should tell you where you need to draw the line.

React

Asker

1 y
Trust me, every time we talked and the initial euphoria vanished I felt I wasn't really that into him. Sure, I was physically attracted but it takes way more for a possible relationship to work. I'm not into him in the sense that there could be any other guy in his place and I'd still feel like this. I have always had this masochist behavior where I always need to find a way to hurt myself psychologically speaking. There's always need to be something I must focus my attention on and in most cases it's something negative or that will make me feel some type of emotion. I know that because I honestly don't really want him to come back, perhaps it's an ego boost that I seek. I know where the ego issue comes from, he did text me once during this month and I gave him the cold shoulder because I knew he wasn't interested in me and there was no reason for me to keep on hoping and illuding myself. I remember how thrilled I was just because he had texted me and I thought "oh wow he's thinking about me" but then the next day I felt like he shouldn't have done that..
Asker

1 y
What I look for is just him to come back but then I still wouldn't want to fall back into the same pattern, I have zero interest in falling for him again, I've been there and it sucked, it was obsessive. I don't blame the guy, if he's not into me there's nothing I can do, it's life, it happens that someone doesn't reciprocate and it's perfectly normal. I just don't know why I keep seeking this reassurance of him still living here. There were times where just knowing he was still here made me feel safe yet I wouldn't text him or have interest in speaking to him. I disappeared out of nowhere without an explanation because the whole thing was undermining my mental sanity (again, not his fault, it was and is something I need to deal with on my own)
btbc92

1 y
Asker. The problem is you obsessed with the guy. It has nothing to do with what you're saying. Your making excuses for why you don't supposedly to go after what you want. The truth is your not being really honest. This has nothing to do with the guy, but WHY you do this because you sound like you have a pattern where he is not the only guy you had this situation with. Which is why I said you need to see a professional. Your concern is that you were physicallya ttracted by then say it takes way more. STOP. If you say it takes way more than physical attraction should NOT be in the equation. It IS because of physical attraction and you feel rejected that such an attractive man is not giving you the kind of attention you actually want and your hiding it by saying it's not a big deal when it is. You need to tell the truth because it's damaging you psychologically. It's rejection. And it's rejection period that you feel with men because I sense that he is not the only guy who made you feel that way. Isn't he?
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Asker

1 y
Yeah, reason is that I was overweight my whole life and I was rejected all the time by guys I was into because of that. I've now lost 100 lbs and he was the first guy I was physically attracted to that showed some type of interest in me and acknowledged my presence and I felt flattered. However, he wasn't interested into anything serious and I just disappeared out of nowhere.
btbc92

1 y
The truth is you are being a masochist in that way because you may have been emotionally and psychologically abused in your past. Either by a parent, a school bully, or rejection by your first crush, etc. SOMETHING HAPPENED. And you're attracting the same issue. But this time, it sounds like your making up scenarios that aren't there to recapture what you felt was lost. Like lost innocence. And it sounds like your trying to reclaim that innocence of "first love" back because it may have been stolen or you gave it away to the wrong person or people. That's what that sounds like. Which is why I told you to please seek help.

Really ask yourself. HOW can a stranger be INTERESTED IN YOU? He doesn't know you well. Period. Which is probably why you get yourself into that. See I blame society for this because this is not realistic. What you NEED to do is being HONEST with yourself that you scared that your "in-love" with a guy your uncertain about feels the same for you, and you're obsessed with the guy and yet you sabotage your potential relationships also.
btbc92

1 y
Your philopohic: scared of romantic love. So I can see why you like this. Your running or hiding and feels like if you confess and he doesn't reciprocate your heart will break again. That's why. Your right it's not his fault. But it isn't yours EITHER. Somebody did this to you, and you deserve better. But not like that, and maybe not this guy either anyway. You don't know if he is stable either. You don't want to invite trouble. But he is also the source of your agony too. I think what you need to do is retrain your brain to not look for him and relearn to love yourself again. Because while you're alone, you sadly did not do much self-care for your heart either. The only way to fix it is to stop looking for men and paying attention to the physical. Stop looking for unabtainable things. Look at it from the perspective of you needing to truly be able to love freely without having to feel like somebody or something is holding you back unless for your protection. If you feel held back, it probably for your protection. And in this case, maybe his too.

Be straight with this guy. But focus on you first. He doesn't know why you did what you did. But if you're not going to have anything else with this guy, fix this for yourself. Before you attract more issues. If a guy doesn't make you feel safe, don't date him. Period. Not even as a friend. If you can't befriend this person, don't date and listen to your gut.
btbc92

1 y
Asker, who CARES if you were overweight. If somebody shames you for that's THEIR problem. Not yours. They don't have to be attracted to you, but you still have to love you otherwise they're only with you because you sexually look good for sex with. That's all. You deserve to be loved too. FOR YOU. If you scared of him, that's your intuition warning you. Sometimes fear is done to protect you. But in most cases, it can hurt and hinder your growth too.
Asker

1 y
You're absolutely right, I needed to read this twice to fully acknowledge it so thank you. I need to work on myself and stop obsessing over wanting this kind of physical validation. I'm sorry for myself, I know I'm a great person and I have a lot to offer. A thing that scares me though is that I've come across as a weirdo by disappearing and if I ever meet him again down the street or anywhere I don't know what to do. I'm also very influenced by people around me who constantly tell me that I should avoid him if I meet him and not say hi otherwise I'd be incoherent. I'm also scared he might have a bad reaction or just ignore me if I'll say hi to him after I behaved like that..
btbc92

1 y
Any person who takes "interest" but isn't serious just wants sex. Period. It's not you, it's him. Don't tolerate men like that. What I had, to be honest with was that I "loved" a boy who abused me. So to speak. He rejected me at kindergarten and he in pre-k and I never realized how much that hurt. I went home crying. I thank God I never bothered in any "Friendship" with him even though I really wanted to befriend him. He was very mean, cursed at me, and emotionally abused me, bullied me too. I don't know what I saw in him/ But I think I understand. Something in me felt bad for him. I wanted to make him feel better and to let him know he wasn't alone. I realize his parents had a dysfunctional relationship. His dad cheated and divorced his mom, he moved many times and he reacted the same towards me. I now in a way understand. My family situation was the same. Except mine didn't divorce. For years it was threats, literally almost happened, but my mom died. So why he was being psychotic, I understand. But I never used that as an excuse for him to say he wanted to shoot me one day in the middle of the night. That was the last straw. He was scary and always watching me even as we became adults. So, Asker, I ask of you. PLEASE find out what happened. Before this destructive pattern, God forbid attract abusers and more like that guy you took interest in. There is a REASON.
Asker

1 y
Truth is once you love yourself and know your worth you couldn't care less about what people think, let alone strangers! I'm afraid he only saw me as the last resort, even the conversations we had, most times they were sexual and I backed off, my gut feeling was telling me that something was off, I listened to it and disappeared. That was it
btbc92

1 y
But here is the problem Asker. When your a heterosexual woman and you desire to be with a man, you're going to care what they think. Because what they think determines if you get one and keep one or not. So think wisely about that. I realize that while yes, you need to learn to love yourslef. But until a man proves his worth and actually cares like a friend as he loves everyone, you run into this problem. I loved myself enough not to bother with such people. But my self-esteem dropped. I didn't have much of anybody in my life. I always got accused, wrongfully at that, and abused by people. Even some I called friends, even though I should have known better weren't really friends either. I suffered so I know. The thing is for you. You just need to be around the right kind of people and no matter who they say they are, they need to prove they need to be in your life. Or else they are wasting your time. That's how I made better friends, is by learning to be alone but not either. I have God and Jesus with me. So trust God, believe in Jesus and everything will be fine.
btbc92

1 y
You have to take a stand and be BRAVE! I know that kind of fear. What helped me is remembering that God is in control. What these people do is wicked and unGodly, and you deserved to be treated like a decent human being. You have better things to be worrying about than that guy. Let him live his life, as long as he doesn't disrupt yours. Period.
Asker

1 y
You know I have a huge history with falling for men like this. All the guys I was into were in a relationship and texted me, this happened from a young age, so I grew up being into guys who were essentially straight a*holes and I let them treat me like shit. I'm a virgin and I've always been ashamed of it, the first guy I had a crush on for 6 years at one point wanted more but I would always say no so he made jokes about me possibly being a virgin which is true and it hurt. Then another guy tried to put his hands in my pants while we were kissing and I got scared, then again someone told me I was a bad kisser and a co*ktease and I was wasting his time.
btbc92

1 y
I realize that I loved myself until other people messed me up. Most of us never had physical insecurities until we started paying attention to others who said that was negative. It's one thing to lose weight to get healthy and stay healthy. It's other to lose it to prove to a person as your sexually worthy.
Asker

1 y
This sick relationship with men possibly comes from the fact that ever since I was young I've suspected my dad was cheating on my mom perhaps because my grampa used to have an affair with another woman while still married and my grandma knew it and never left him so it's like I only know what toxic relationships are like. This guy I'm referring to in the original question knew I'm a virgin because we talked about so many things and I felt like saying it. He never made me feel bad about it but yet I had the feeling he wasn't reciprocating at all, he left me on read many times or found excuses not to meet me.
Asker

1 y
Wait! I had to lose weight because I was severely obsese and I was risking a lot from a health point of view especially with heart disease and diabetes in fact my doctor strongly adviced me it was time to do something about it. When I started to get compliments and the attention it became more like an obsession to look good, to finally be stared at and wear anything I wanted
btbc92

1 y
Now you know the source of all of your problems and the roots of them. This guy wanted sex and wasn't attracted to the fact you were a virgin. Again this was not your fault. But it's toxic. You almost got sexually assaulted by a guy you trusted. All he cared about was hoping in your pants. All of them. So my suggestion to you is to pray and seek deliverance from this because it's trauma. I had similar traumas. And it's a crime for any of us to go through this. Even for men who are shamed for trying to keep themselves. It's best to stop giving that guy all of that attention. Friend or no friend. Nobody should treat like like that and then just wanted to walk all because he didn't reciprocate anything. To be honest this doesn't sound like a healthy person and nothing should have gone forward.
Asker

1 y
Meeting him felt like nothing I had felt before, he opened up about his issues and my gut told me he was sincere and that a great bond could have been created, things however went on in a different way for me, he reassured me about the fact that being a virgin was no big deal and that I didn't even have to say it, it was a private thing. I felt he trusted me and so on because he also told me about private things without even knowing me, I guess opening up to strangers is sometimes easier, everything felt wonderful and I thought I had met the perfect guy simply because I remember how I felt when our gazes crossed, I felt he was the one. So stupid.. and now I'm still here wondering whether I should say hi or not, God I'm so dump sometimes. 😟
Asker

1 y
*dumb
btbc92

1 y
Listen what I had learned is this. If he is not making the effort, leave it be. There is no such thing as the one. It is a choice. There may be people we are presented by God and sometimes even by satan which is why you have to watch who is who. It is still your choice as his. But at the same time, he sounds like he is just doing his own thing. So it's best to leave it and focus on you.
Asker

1 y
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!! I appreciate it
btbc92

1 y
Not a problem! Take care!

Answer 2

Asker

Trust me, every time we talked and the initial euphoria vanished I felt I wasn't really that into him. Sure, I was physically attracted but it takes way more for a possible relationship to work. I'm not into him in the sense that there could be any other guy in his place and I'd still feel like this. I have always had this masochist behavior where I always need to find a way to hurt myself psychologically speaking. There's always need to be something I must focus my attention on and in most cases it's something negative or that will make me feel some type of emotion. I know that because I honestly don't really want him to come back, perhaps it's an ego boost that I seek. I know where the ego issue comes from, he did text me once during this month and I gave him the cold shoulder because I knew he wasn't interested in me and there was no reason for me to keep on hoping and illuding myself. I remember how thrilled I was just because he had texted me and I thought "oh wow he's thinking about me" but then the next day I felt like he shouldn't have done that..

Answer 3

Asker

What I look for is just him to come back but then I still wouldn't want to fall back into the same pattern, I have zero interest in falling for him again, I've been there and it sucked, it was obsessive. I don't blame the guy, if he's not into me there's nothing I can do, it's life, it happens that someone doesn't reciprocate and it's perfectly normal. I just don't know why I keep seeking this reassurance of him still living here. There were times where just knowing he was still here made me feel safe yet I wouldn't text him or have interest in speaking to him. I disappeared out of nowhere without an explanation because the whole thing was undermining my mental sanity (again, not his fault, it was and is something I need to deal with on my own)

Answer 4

btbc92

Asker. The problem is you obsessed with the guy. It has nothing to do with what you're saying. Your making excuses for why you don't supposedly to go after what you want. The truth is your not being really honest. This has nothing to do with the guy, but WHY you do this because you sound like you have a pattern where he is not the only guy you had this situation with. Which is why I said you need to see a professional. Your concern is that you were physicallya ttracted by then say it takes way more. STOP. If you say it takes way more than physical attraction should NOT be in the equation. It IS because of physical attraction and you feel rejected that such an attractive man is not giving you the kind of attention you actually want and your hiding it by saying it's not a big deal when it is. You need to tell the truth because it's damaging you psychologically. It's rejection. And it's rejection period that you feel with men because I sense that he is not the only guy who made you feel that way. Isn't he?

Answer 5

Asker

Yeah, reason is that I was overweight my whole life and I was rejected all the time by guys I was into because of that. I've now lost 100 lbs and he was the first guy I was physically attracted to that showed some type of interest in me and acknowledged my presence and I felt flattered. However, he wasn't interested into anything serious and I just disappeared out of nowhere.

Answer 6

btbc92

The truth is you are being a masochist in that way because you may have been emotionally and psychologically abused in your past. Either by a parent, a school bully, or rejection by your first crush, etc. SOMETHING HAPPENED. And you're attracting the same issue. But this time, it sounds like your making up scenarios that aren't there to recapture what you felt was lost. Like lost innocence. And it sounds like your trying to reclaim that innocence of "first love" back because it may have been stolen or you gave it away to the wrong person or people. That's what that sounds like. Which is why I told you to please seek help.

Really ask yourself. HOW can a stranger be INTERESTED IN YOU? He doesn't know you well. Period. Which is probably why you get yourself into that. See I blame society for this because this is not realistic. What you NEED to do is being HONEST with yourself that you scared that your "in-love" with a guy your uncertain about feels the same for you, and you're obsessed with the guy and yet you sabotage your potential relationships also.

Answer 7

btbc92

Your philopohic: scared of romantic love. So I can see why you like this. Your running or hiding and feels like if you confess and he doesn't reciprocate your heart will break again. That's why. Your right it's not his fault. But it isn't yours EITHER. Somebody did this to you, and you deserve better. But not like that, and maybe not this guy either anyway. You don't know if he is stable either. You don't want to invite trouble. But he is also the source of your agony too. I think what you need to do is retrain your brain to not look for him and relearn to love yourself again. Because while you're alone, you sadly did not do much self-care for your heart either. The only way to fix it is to stop looking for men and paying attention to the physical. Stop looking for unabtainable things. Look at it from the perspective of you needing to truly be able to love freely without having to feel like somebody or something is holding you back unless for your protection. If you feel held back, it probably for your protection. And in this case, maybe his too.

Be straight with this guy. But focus on you first. He doesn't know why you did what you did. But if you're not going to have anything else with this guy, fix this for yourself. Before you attract more issues. If a guy doesn't make you feel safe, don't date him. Period. Not even as a friend. If you can't befriend this person, don't date and listen to your gut.

Answer 8

btbc92

Asker, who CARES if you were overweight. If somebody shames you for that's THEIR problem. Not yours. They don't have to be attracted to you, but you still have to love you otherwise they're only with you because you sexually look good for sex with. That's all. You deserve to be loved too. FOR YOU. If you scared of him, that's your intuition warning you. Sometimes fear is done to protect you. But in most cases, it can hurt and hinder your growth too.

Answer 9

Asker

You're absolutely right, I needed to read this twice to fully acknowledge it so thank you. I need to work on myself and stop obsessing over wanting this kind of physical validation. I'm sorry for myself, I know I'm a great person and I have a lot to offer. A thing that scares me though is that I've come across as a weirdo by disappearing and if I ever meet him again down the street or anywhere I don't know what to do. I'm also very influenced by people around me who constantly tell me that I should avoid him if I meet him and not say hi otherwise I'd be incoherent. I'm also scared he might have a bad reaction or just ignore me if I'll say hi to him after I behaved like that..

Answer 10

btbc92

Any person who takes "interest" but isn't serious just wants sex. Period. It's not you, it's him. Don't tolerate men like that. What I had, to be honest with was that I "loved" a boy who abused me. So to speak. He rejected me at kindergarten and he in pre-k and I never realized how much that hurt. I went home crying. I thank God I never bothered in any "Friendship" with him even though I really wanted to befriend him. He was very mean, cursed at me, and emotionally abused me, bullied me too. I don't know what I saw in him/ But I think I understand. Something in me felt bad for him. I wanted to make him feel better and to let him know he wasn't alone. I realize his parents had a dysfunctional relationship. His dad cheated and divorced his mom, he moved many times and he reacted the same towards me. I now in a way understand. My family situation was the same. Except mine didn't divorce. For years it was threats, literally almost happened, but my mom died. So why he was being psychotic, I understand. But I never used that as an excuse for him to say he wanted to shoot me one day in the middle of the night. That was the last straw. He was scary and always watching me even as we became adults. So, Asker, I ask of you. PLEASE find out what happened. Before this destructive pattern, God forbid attract abusers and more like that guy you took interest in. There is a REASON.

Answer 11

Asker

Truth is once you love yourself and know your worth you couldn't care less about what people think, let alone strangers! I'm afraid he only saw me as the last resort, even the conversations we had, most times they were sexual and I backed off, my gut feeling was telling me that something was off, I listened to it and disappeared. That was it

Answer 12

btbc92

But here is the problem Asker. When your a heterosexual woman and you desire to be with a man, you're going to care what they think. Because what they think determines if you get one and keep one or not. So think wisely about that. I realize that while yes, you need to learn to love yourslef. But until a man proves his worth and actually cares like a friend as he loves everyone, you run into this problem. I loved myself enough not to bother with such people. But my self-esteem dropped. I didn't have much of anybody in my life. I always got accused, wrongfully at that, and abused by people. Even some I called friends, even though I should have known better weren't really friends either. I suffered so I know. The thing is for you. You just need to be around the right kind of people and no matter who they say they are, they need to prove they need to be in your life. Or else they are wasting your time. That's how I made better friends, is by learning to be alone but not either. I have God and Jesus with me. So trust God, believe in Jesus and everything will be fine.

Answer 13

btbc92

You have to take a stand and be BRAVE! I know that kind of fear. What helped me is remembering that God is in control. What these people do is wicked and unGodly, and you deserved to be treated like a decent human being. You have better things to be worrying about than that guy. Let him live his life, as long as he doesn't disrupt yours. Period.

Answer 14

Asker

You know I have a huge history with falling for men like this. All the guys I was into were in a relationship and texted me, this happened from a young age, so I grew up being into guys who were essentially straight a*holes and I let them treat me like shit. I'm a virgin and I've always been ashamed of it, the first guy I had a crush on for 6 years at one point wanted more but I would always say no so he made jokes about me possibly being a virgin which is true and it hurt. Then another guy tried to put his hands in my pants while we were kissing and I got scared, then again someone told me I was a bad kisser and a co*ktease and I was wasting his time.

Answer 15

btbc92

I realize that I loved myself until other people messed me up. Most of us never had physical insecurities until we started paying attention to others who said that was negative. It's one thing to lose weight to get healthy and stay healthy. It's other to lose it to prove to a person as your sexually worthy.

Answer 16

Asker

This sick relationship with men possibly comes from the fact that ever since I was young I've suspected my dad was cheating on my mom perhaps because my grampa used to have an affair with another woman while still married and my grandma knew it and never left him so it's like I only know what toxic relationships are like. This guy I'm referring to in the original question knew I'm a virgin because we talked about so many things and I felt like saying it. He never made me feel bad about it but yet I had the feeling he wasn't reciprocating at all, he left me on read many times or found excuses not to meet me.

Answer 17

Asker

Wait! I had to lose weight because I was severely obsese and I was risking a lot from a health point of view especially with heart disease and diabetes in fact my doctor strongly adviced me it was time to do something about it. When I started to get compliments and the attention it became more like an obsession to look good, to finally be stared at and wear anything I wanted

Answer 18

btbc92

Now you know the source of all of your problems and the roots of them. This guy wanted sex and wasn't attracted to the fact you were a virgin. Again this was not your fault. But it's toxic. You almost got sexually assaulted by a guy you trusted. All he cared about was hoping in your pants. All of them. So my suggestion to you is to pray and seek deliverance from this because it's trauma. I had similar traumas. And it's a crime for any of us to go through this. Even for men who are shamed for trying to keep themselves. It's best to stop giving that guy all of that attention. Friend or no friend. Nobody should treat like like that and then just wanted to walk all because he didn't reciprocate anything. To be honest this doesn't sound like a healthy person and nothing should have gone forward.

Answer 19

Asker

Meeting him felt like nothing I had felt before, he opened up about his issues and my gut told me he was sincere and that a great bond could have been created, things however went on in a different way for me, he reassured me about the fact that being a virgin was no big deal and that I didn't even have to say it, it was a private thing. I felt he trusted me and so on because he also told me about private things without even knowing me, I guess opening up to strangers is sometimes easier, everything felt wonderful and I thought I had met the perfect guy simply because I remember how I felt when our gazes crossed, I felt he was the one. So stupid.. and now I'm still here wondering whether I should say hi or not, God I'm so dump sometimes. 😟

Answer 20

Asker

*dumb

Answer 21

btbc92

Listen what I had learned is this. If he is not making the effort, leave it be. There is no such thing as the one. It is a choice. There may be people we are presented by God and sometimes even by satan which is why you have to watch who is who. It is still your choice as his. But at the same time, he sounds like he is just doing his own thing. So it's best to leave it and focus on you.

Answer 22

Asker

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!! I appreciate it

Answer 23

btbc92

Not a problem! Take care!

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