Is it space or a slow breakup?

Question

My lady is going through the loss of loved ones, she is hurting very badly, and all I want is to be there for her and simply support her and let her know I care. She has been nothing short of an angel and a blessing to me since we first met. I love her with all I have and want to spend my life with her. She won’t talk to me and i know she wants space and for me to trust her which I do. This has been going on for weeks now and it’s getting hard on my soul. Her kids love me and have been so supportive since this began and I could not have asked for better. She blocked me on social media which is weird but oh well, she has not however kicked me out. That’s one thing for sure is if she hated me or didn’t want me in her life I wouldn’t be there. Period. We still sleep in the same bed, no contact though and she hasn’t really distanced herself from me. We work different shifts which make this a little bit easier. She’s not shady, and she’s not a cheater. I know a lot of people say that but I’ve been with her 4 years, I know a cheater and she isn’t one so don’t say it please. All I want is to show her I care but I don’t know how and I don’t want to lose her because of this depression she is in. She’s the love of my life and I’d rather be dead than not have her.

Answer 1

SueShe | 178 opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic.

Influencer

Going through the loss of loved ones does take a toll on anyone's emotions. The fact that you pluralize the word "one" leads me to believe that there are several people that she is mourning.

Mourning is not an event that is limited to a specific moment in time and may take years for the people to finally emerge from this state. Patience, understanding and emotional support is about the only thing that does effectively help the person. You seem to be doing it right according to your account.

However, there seems to be more to the story than the loss of loved ones because a distressed person would normally seek the contact and closeness of those that are dear to them.

This distance may be her way to try to cope with the situation but whatever you do, never involve the kids to try to improve the issue.

I suggest you write down all the problems you believe are associated with the loss of her loved ones and attempt to bring a concrete solution to each listed item. You need to talk all those individual problems with your lady and try to find a consensus that is acceptable to both of you. Good luck.

Asker

19 d
Wow thank you for such a great response. So I’ll tell you also that in 2018 we had been together a year, I went home to see dying family members, and I came back no issues. In March of that year she pushed away hard, no talking, no touching, I thought something went south so I took it as she was breaking up. I started talking to another girl and was about to leave when she caught me, she gave me a week to move out, but three days later asked me to come to bed with her and we made upset well. I’ve been 100% since then. Not even porn. That’s when we started really loving each other and since March of 2018 our love has blossomed. She told me this year at the first of March that “March is a bad month” and I understood but I didn’t see this coming. The last time she said she loved me was on March 8th, and that she needed to get her mind right. Since then the gap has gotten bigger. Like I said earlier if she didn’t love me or want me around I wouldn’t be in her house. She kicked out both husbands and one boyfriend without regret. I’ve asked her twice when she wants me out and she said I didn’t have to leave. She is upset that I talked with her adult children but they’ve been great to me and they know all I’m trying to do is be there for their mom. They’ve told me numerous times they love me and that I’ve made their mom very happy since the last guys were drunks and abusive. The only things during all of this stress is three days after she said “I don’t want a relationship right now” she unfriended me on Facebook, didn’t block me, and made herself single and was talking to the tweaker in her hometown. She put heart emojis on all his pics and he had a post asking for single ladies to hit him up and she put a comment up saying “I guess I didn’t make the list” and I saw it, asked her daughter who he was, she told her brother who blasted the guy on Facebook and called his mom out for it. She told him that she and I had to work somethings out but she hasn’t said anything to me.
Asker

19 d
Let me continue, after all that she removed her single status, all the heart emojis and the awkward comment to that guy including unfollowing him. Two weeks ago she blocked me on Instagram which I hardly ever use, and she just the other day blocked me on Facebook which is where the red flags come up. In my opinion that means you either have something to hide in plain sight, or it’s really about space. There’s some guy on her page that’s close by, a single dad with a kid and she’s liked a few of his pics. I’ve never heard of him before. Maybe I’m overthinking some of this but her son talked to her recently and he told me she feels uncomfortable talking to me because I take things the wrong way which I don’t know that but he did say she’s hurting which I can see it on her face. He told me she wants me to trust her and give her the space she needs which is done on my end. She’s going home this summer for a few weeks to see family and let out some emotions which I’m cool with. My only concern is if she’s saying she doesn’t want anyone even me why the weird behavior? Does grief make you go off the deep end or what? Part of me feels like she’s seeing how long I’ll put up with this before I quit on her. One thing I know hands down is she won’t open her legs for anyone. She stayed in abusive relationships for years without cheating on the partner. She knows I love her but all I want is to prove it and support her emotionally but I don’t know how. I bought this huge canvas the other day with her deceased brother and she loved it but I want to do more for her I just don’t know what to do yet. She doesn’t know how to show emotion right now that’s why she’s so quiet. Her kids have told me many times that she does love me and that it will all work out soon. What else can I do other than be there?
SueShe

19 d
The way I see it is that she is totally confused and has nowhere to find help. She will not ask you for support because she is insecure about how to handle you. You gave her a reason to doubt you and your honesty and that will most likely leave a scar that will never totally go away.

She was emotionally abused in the past and she is torn between keeping you and starting everything anew. The fact that she did not ask you to leave like she did with past relations means that she is hesitant because you have shown concern where others have not.

Also, the fact that she is grieving is adding such a burden to her emotions with you that she keeps you as a backup help in case she has a nervous breakdown, knowing that you will be supportive.

Best is to give her the distance she needs right now. However, keeping this distance for too long may result in her accepting that she can start a new life without you. It is a very delicate situation requiring a lot of diplomacy.
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Asker

19 d
The space and distance right now is what scares me the most. I truly am afraid of losing her because she has meant so much to me since we first met. I know trust is earned but how do I start earning hers back? Her entire life has had heartbreak and I’m the one person who hasn’t ruined her in some way shape or form. She told me March was a bad month and I thought once April got here things would change but nope, that didn’t happen. I don’t think she’ll look for anyone else but I never say never.
SueShe

19 d
The essence of a lasting relation is communication. Even if this communication is a one-way road. It is imperative that you keep talking with her even if it is a monologue. Not raising the voice or getting angry if she does not react to your talks is also a good sign.

If she refuses to talk and seems distant, then you must accept the fact that she is slowly moving away. But even then, you must not let it work you up for you to say or do things that would make the situation a very hostile one.

Right now, she is on the thin edge and does not know on which side to fall. If you give her the opportunity to fall on the wrong side or give her this push to do so, she is lost to you. On the other hand, patience and conversations with a soft voice may bring her back.
SueShe

19 d
Also, never ever promise anything you know you cannot keep just to make her change her mind. If you do it and then break your promise, you have lost her for good. Guaranteed.

Answer 2

Asker

Wow thank you for such a great response. So I’ll tell you also that in 2018 we had been together a year, I went home to see dying family members, and I came back no issues. In March of that year she pushed away hard, no talking, no touching, I thought something went south so I took it as she was breaking up. I started talking to another girl and was about to leave when she caught me, she gave me a week to move out, but three days later asked me to come to bed with her and we made upset well. I’ve been 100% since then. Not even porn. That’s when we started really loving each other and since March of 2018 our love has blossomed. She told me this year at the first of March that “March is a bad month” and I understood but I didn’t see this coming. The last time she said she loved me was on March 8th, and that she needed to get her mind right. Since then the gap has gotten bigger. Like I said earlier if she didn’t love me or want me around I wouldn’t be in her house. She kicked out both husbands and one boyfriend without regret. I’ve asked her twice when she wants me out and she said I didn’t have to leave. She is upset that I talked with her adult children but they’ve been great to me and they know all I’m trying to do is be there for their mom. They’ve told me numerous times they love me and that I’ve made their mom very happy since the last guys were drunks and abusive. The only things during all of this stress is three days after she said “I don’t want a relationship right now” she unfriended me on Facebook, didn’t block me, and made herself single and was talking to the tweaker in her hometown. She put heart emojis on all his pics and he had a post asking for single ladies to hit him up and she put a comment up saying “I guess I didn’t make the list” and I saw it, asked her daughter who he was, she told her brother who blasted the guy on Facebook and called his mom out for it. She told him that she and I had to work somethings out but she hasn’t said anything to me.

Answer 3

Asker

Let me continue, after all that she removed her single status, all the heart emojis and the awkward comment to that guy including unfollowing him. Two weeks ago she blocked me on Instagram which I hardly ever use, and she just the other day blocked me on Facebook which is where the red flags come up. In my opinion that means you either have something to hide in plain sight, or it’s really about space. There’s some guy on her page that’s close by, a single dad with a kid and she’s liked a few of his pics. I’ve never heard of him before. Maybe I’m overthinking some of this but her son talked to her recently and he told me she feels uncomfortable talking to me because I take things the wrong way which I don’t know that but he did say she’s hurting which I can see it on her face. He told me she wants me to trust her and give her the space she needs which is done on my end. She’s going home this summer for a few weeks to see family and let out some emotions which I’m cool with. My only concern is if she’s saying she doesn’t want anyone even me why the weird behavior? Does grief make you go off the deep end or what? Part of me feels like she’s seeing how long I’ll put up with this before I quit on her. One thing I know hands down is she won’t open her legs for anyone. She stayed in abusive relationships for years without cheating on the partner. She knows I love her but all I want is to prove it and support her emotionally but I don’t know how. I bought this huge canvas the other day with her deceased brother and she loved it but I want to do more for her I just don’t know what to do yet. She doesn’t know how to show emotion right now that’s why she’s so quiet. Her kids have told me many times that she does love me and that it will all work out soon. What else can I do other than be there?

Answer 4

SueShe

The way I see it is that she is totally confused and has nowhere to find help. She will not ask you for support because she is insecure about how to handle you. You gave her a reason to doubt you and your honesty and that will most likely leave a scar that will never totally go away.

She was emotionally abused in the past and she is torn between keeping you and starting everything anew. The fact that she did not ask you to leave like she did with past relations means that she is hesitant because you have shown concern where others have not.

Also, the fact that she is grieving is adding such a burden to her emotions with you that she keeps you as a backup help in case she has a nervous breakdown, knowing that you will be supportive.

Best is to give her the distance she needs right now. However, keeping this distance for too long may result in her accepting that she can start a new life without you. It is a very delicate situation requiring a lot of diplomacy.

Answer 5

Asker

The space and distance right now is what scares me the most. I truly am afraid of losing her because she has meant so much to me since we first met. I know trust is earned but how do I start earning hers back? Her entire life has had heartbreak and I’m the one person who hasn’t ruined her in some way shape or form. She told me March was a bad month and I thought once April got here things would change but nope, that didn’t happen. I don’t think she’ll look for anyone else but I never say never.

Answer 6

SueShe

The essence of a lasting relation is communication. Even if this communication is a one-way road. It is imperative that you keep talking with her even if it is a monologue. Not raising the voice or getting angry if she does not react to your talks is also a good sign.

If she refuses to talk and seems distant, then you must accept the fact that she is slowly moving away. But even then, you must not let it work you up for you to say or do things that would make the situation a very hostile one.

Right now, she is on the thin edge and does not know on which side to fall. If you give her the opportunity to fall on the wrong side or give her this push to do so, she is lost to you. On the other hand, patience and conversations with a soft voice may bring her back.

Answer 7

SueShe

Also, never ever promise anything you know you cannot keep just to make her change her mind. If you do it and then break your promise, you have lost her for good. Guaranteed.

Answer 8

Siren777

Yoda

Your lady is probably going through a major depressive episode. It's hard to lose people close to you, I've lost many and I know what it feels like. It is concerning that she blocked you from social media. I am not sure if she is posting some sad posts, but it is a cause of concern. You have to have a talk with her and voice your concerns but please be gentle. As she may not know how to deal with her emotions at this time. The only way to move forward is to talk things through.

Asker

19 d
I know this isn’t the right answer but her kids said her posts haven’t changed and there are still pictures of me on her page. Perhaps she hasn’t removed them, I don't know. Both her kids have told me time and time again that I’ve made their mom happy and that she loves me. Her son told me he’d bet his life on me and her working things out and being back to normal soon. I’m always open to thoughts. My coworker told me that she may be blocking me because she loves me and is trying to focus on the painful things right now and that actually makes sense. One thing I do know is she isn’t getting money from me or any support so keeping me around doesn’t gain her anything financially. I do know she is very depressed and I see it everyday almost. I’ve NEVER had a reason question her or second guess her. I don't know maybe she’s testing me to see if I’m going to stay? I don't know. Please share your thoughts anytime. Thank you.
Siren777

19 d
There is only one way to find out and that's to talk to her about this and see if she is willing to open a little about the way she feels. Be her support through this time.
Asker

19 d
What should I think if she’s unwilling to open up? Also the most important thing is how do I support her emotionally during all of this? The distance is easy I guess but too much of it and she might not come back.
Show All Show Less
Siren777

19 d
Communication is key in any relationship. You would need to man up and face the fear no matter what. Or this will go on for I don't know how long. I don't know how much patience you will have in a few years down the line. You need to talk to her no matter how hard the topic of discussion is, that's how life is and how adults have to face reality. It's inevitable. She has to open up, that's what makes a relationship work. Both people bring the effort. Then you can decide what happens next.
Asker

17 d
Siren777: so we just talked. Not a bad discussion but not great either. I feel like there is hope. I approached, asked if we could talk for a few, she said sure. FYI I was super gentle almost a pussy to be honest. I was very apologetic about how I’ve handled things recently, and that the new steps I was taking was to show I genuinely care about her feelings. I told her that I knew part of her still loves me and she quickly responded with i will always love you but I’m just not in love with you anymore. I know she cares because I wouldn’t have been able to be near her or in her house or anything. That’s just how she is. One thing I failed to mention in the beginning is that she has always kept to herself. That’s just how she is and I love her for it. I asked if there was any remote chance down the road that we could work things through and she said she didn’t know. I think it’s very possible. I did tell her that I’m going to bust my ass for her and live my life everyday as if she’s still my woman. The second time I said that she made a weird face kind of half ass smiled. I straight up asked if she was “single” and she said yes. I made the poor choice of asking if she was in the market for anyone else and she got a little upset. She said yeah I go to work and go hit the clubs all night then come home and go to work again the next morning. I don't know how to take that but I still trust her. I for one am going to do what’s right until she kicks me out the door and I told her that. I told her I was going to bust my ass to show I care and she said I didn’t have to but I am because she’s worth it. I told her yeah I could leave and get my own place but it’s not about the home but who I’m coming home to. I also told her I was sorry for being insecure but it was because I loved her and I let my personal feeling dictate what was going on and that I was sorry. She seemed receptive but her words were few, but it was a very peaceful talk nonetheless.
Asker

17 d
She is angry because one morning I tried to confront her about some guy she threw herself at on Facebook and her brother jumped in but yelled at her. She’s angry about that and I understand but like I told her, I change 8 weeks ago much less 8 seconds ago. I feel as if she wants to work things out, so how do I earn that chance and not mess things up anymore than I have?

Answer 9

Asker

I know this isn’t the right answer but her kids said her posts haven’t changed and there are still pictures of me on her page. Perhaps she hasn’t removed them, I don't know. Both her kids have told me time and time again that I’ve made their mom happy and that she loves me. Her son told me he’d bet his life on me and her working things out and being back to normal soon. I’m always open to thoughts. My coworker told me that she may be blocking me because she loves me and is trying to focus on the painful things right now and that actually makes sense. One thing I do know is she isn’t getting money from me or any support so keeping me around doesn’t gain her anything financially. I do know she is very depressed and I see it everyday almost. I’ve NEVER had a reason question her or second guess her. I don't know maybe she’s testing me to see if I’m going to stay? I don't know. Please share your thoughts anytime. Thank you.

Answer 10

Siren777

There is only one way to find out and that's to talk to her about this and see if she is willing to open a little about the way she feels. Be her support through this time.

Answer 11

Asker

What should I think if she’s unwilling to open up? Also the most important thing is how do I support her emotionally during all of this? The distance is easy I guess but too much of it and she might not come back.

Answer 12

Siren777

Communication is key in any relationship. You would need to man up and face the fear no matter what. Or this will go on for I don't know how long. I don't know how much patience you will have in a few years down the line. You need to talk to her no matter how hard the topic of discussion is, that's how life is and how adults have to face reality. It's inevitable. She has to open up, that's what makes a relationship work. Both people bring the effort. Then you can decide what happens next.

Answer 13

Asker

Siren777: so we just talked. Not a bad discussion but not great either. I feel like there is hope. I approached, asked if we could talk for a few, she said sure. FYI I was super gentle almost a pussy to be honest. I was very apologetic about how I’ve handled things recently, and that the new steps I was taking was to show I genuinely care about her feelings. I told her that I knew part of her still loves me and she quickly responded with i will always love you but I’m just not in love with you anymore. I know she cares because I wouldn’t have been able to be near her or in her house or anything. That’s just how she is. One thing I failed to mention in the beginning is that she has always kept to herself. That’s just how she is and I love her for it. I asked if there was any remote chance down the road that we could work things through and she said she didn’t know. I think it’s very possible. I did tell her that I’m going to bust my ass for her and live my life everyday as if she’s still my woman. The second time I said that she made a weird face kind of half ass smiled. I straight up asked if she was “single” and she said yes. I made the poor choice of asking if she was in the market for anyone else and she got a little upset. She said yeah I go to work and go hit the clubs all night then come home and go to work again the next morning. I don't know how to take that but I still trust her. I for one am going to do what’s right until she kicks me out the door and I told her that. I told her I was going to bust my ass to show I care and she said I didn’t have to but I am because she’s worth it. I told her yeah I could leave and get my own place but it’s not about the home but who I’m coming home to. I also told her I was sorry for being insecure but it was because I loved her and I let my personal feeling dictate what was going on and that I was sorry. She seemed receptive but her words were few, but it was a very peaceful talk nonetheless.

Answer 14

Asker

She is angry because one morning I tried to confront her about some guy she threw herself at on Facebook and her brother jumped in but yelled at her. She’s angry about that and I understand but like I told her, I change 8 weeks ago much less 8 seconds ago. I feel as if she wants to work things out, so how do I earn that chance and not mess things up anymore than I have?

Answer 15

Anonymous

Space because losing a loved one is traumatic

Asker

19 d
Yes it is. The bad part is that she kept a lid on it for so long and I never saw how deep the cut went. So much heartache and pain and she kept it all bottled up inside.

Answer 16

Asker

Yes it is. The bad part is that she kept a lid on it for so long and I never saw how deep the cut went. So much heartache and pain and she kept it all bottled up inside.

Is it space or a slow breakup?

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