Feel really hurt by a guy (wasn't a boyfriend), should I still be friends with him or not?

There is a guy friend I used to do a lot with, well hang out 2-3 times a week. It became a bit sexual sometimes, or that well I liked him and we would hold each other, and cuddle in bed and sleep next to each other. Basically we were just intimate. I wanted a relationship with him but he always said stuff like, "If its good like this, why change it?" and of course it wasn't the best situation for me, but maybe for him it was. and stuff like "Maybe you should find someone more into you", "I don't want you to waste your efforts on me". I mean he was basically telling me all the time he didn't want to be with me, but he would spend lots of time with me, and even if I go for just some normal hug, he would be kind of stroking my back in some way that I thought only lovers would. And unfortunately also, we had sex once when he was drunk. He kind of sounds the same when he's drunk and not drunk so I didn't notice until he said to apologize that he was very drunk. I was pretty upset about that because I didn't want it to be sex just because he's horny, I wanted it to be sharing something special together because its me. And I mean after that there was a lot of hurt and well we resumed being friends again. And because we have been like quite regularly just cuddling, no sex but touching and all that, and then maybe last month, I trusted him again, and thought that all the feelings were real, like when he holds me all night when I sleep etc, and I wanted to make love to him because I actually have/had these feelings for him, that I want to feel very close to him. But then it hurt really much when he said we should end the sexual contact too. I had been suggesting it somewhat, because it wasn't a relationship and it made me feel bad about how he was treating me (like doing all this with me but not accepting me as a girlfriend), but then having sex with someone is a lot of trust from me, and even though, in ways, I knew how unreliable he is, and probably should have escaped earlier, I couldn't help being attracted to him and enjoyed his friendship, like hanging out outdoors and visiting I guess most places together. It really hurt now because one month we Haven't hugged or really seen each other outside except at school. due to watch a movie with him at some point, but I don't know what to say anymore. Should I try not to be friends with him? I just don't know how to feel, sometimes I'm very angry about how he's been. He'll say things like 'of course I care about you', but then other times he writes 'i Haven't had the space/resources to think about this stuff between us' 'there's too much on my mind'. I really spent a lot of time with this guy, and it really hurts when we are not doing much in our friendship even, or it keeps feeling like he doesn't appreciate it that much until I'm gone. I think once for 2-3 weeks I did talk very much to him, and then he invited me to movie again and asked me if something was wrong, or if I had a boyfriend now :s.

Updates:
Maybe its like cathasis and I need to just get this all out and then I won't care anymore. I guess mostly all the things hurt. I spent months saying no to his sexual requests, because even tho I really cared about him, and keep wanting to say love too (but knowin he doesn't love me that doesn't feel very appreciated), and then when I finally want to give and share it with him, that he doesn't want that. That its too much for him.


Whenever I said it was just sad that he didn't want a relationship with me, he said its not that he doesn't *want* to, its that he can't. cos there's no 'lasting spark' you know. and id been seeing him for like a few months in this intimate way and if there's only a spark now and then for him why does he actually do it? I was just never really sure why he would be with someone aka me if he wasn't so interested in me. that just in a way sucked. I basically in a fantasy relationship.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • The reason you're confused is because you don't understand something about guys that it is VITAL that you understand and accept:

    - Guys do NOT need to have feelings for a girl in order to feel sexually attracted to her, or even to spend time with her and be close to her. Guys can do those things because they enjoy doing those things, and not because they want a relationship with the girl. You don't "get" that, because like most women, you don't work that way. In general, the only guys you want to get close to or be intimate/sexual with are guys you have feelings for.

    I don't know if this guy simply doesn't want a relationship with ANYONE (lots of those out there), or if he just doesn't want one with you (which doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means that you and he don't "click" in his mind), but the bottom line is: he doesn't want this relationship. He's been telling you the truth in clear, simple language, but you're assuming that because he's still willing to be close to you, that what he's telling you isn't true. Well, it is true.

    So, the ball is now in your court. You'll never get a relationship with this guy, so you have to decide what level of contact, if any, you want to maintain with him. In my experience, most people can't handle being around someone they have feelings for if the other person doesn't feel the same way, and if they try, they end up doing stupid things that they regret later.

    Going forward, it is important for you to understand that there is a big difference between a guy who enjoys your physical company and closeness, and a guy who has feelings for you. Most guys can and do separate these two things, while for most girls, they are the same. Until you understand and accept that, you're going to continue to be hurt by guys who are telling you up-front what their limitations are, because you're refusing to accept what they're telling you.

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    • Thankyou. Yeah he said that part too, that no one can be his girlfriend right now. And he also keeps asking me why I have to make it so complicated, and 'haven't I spent more time with you? (than the other girls he flirts with). And I almost have said to him like yeah, that's cos the other ones are unavailable :/, or at least that's how it looks. Half the time I'm out with him he pointed out girls he thinks are hot, and I was just sick of that, and finally he stopped.

    • Best answer. Wish I had seen this before I posted my answer. I just repeated what you said.

    • I think the thing is not that girls don't accept what is being told, but its such a foreign concept that they don't know what's going on in the first place. I would just assume someone wanting to be close to me does have feelings for me, because why would they go to all the trouble. because I'm not talking about the people who try to pick me up from the street, I'm talking about friends I've known for a year or longer.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • I think you should stay friends with him, IF you will be able to stay as JUST friends.

    He is not looking for a relationship. It is that simple. The sexual acts were not because he sees you as a lover, but were just because it sexually satisfied both parties, nothing more.

    I think he saw you as a combination of "close friends" and "friends with benefits". Since you pushed for a relationship, he ceased all sexual contact. Therefore, what's left right now is friendship.

    If you will be able to forget about any other feeling you have about him and just be friends with him, go for it. However, I think you won't be able to do that. I think you will secretly be in love with him for a long time before you realize how much pain you're causing to yourself by loving someone who doesn't want a relationship with you. Therefore, I think you should move on as soon as possible, and may be start seeing him again (as a friend) AFTER you have moved on and have a new boyfriend.

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    • it feels like he treated me more like friends with benefits than close friend, cos he doesn't ask me to hang out often, cos I did. I actually asked for a relationship before, but only had sex once, the rest was just cuddling. I just became so emotionally attached to him, I was even OK to have sex with him, as someone I love and trust. because I couldn't stop my own feelings for him. but its been like a month now, and that he could leave me alone, shows me, he doesn't really thing much of this.

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    • Thanks for your support. can't believe you're so young! you're uber wise :)

    • Well, thank you. =)

  • So basically he was enjoying cuddling up to your warm sensibility devoid carcass of a heart and you were enjoying that warm tingling feeling he gave to your sensibility devoid carcass of a heart however you wanted more of the drug and he didn't want anything to do with that. Still you, being senseless, kept investing despite a clear and resounding "No" and now you wonder if, in retrospect, you did it right and thus question the future of this relationship.

    Nay, let the man go; you do not need him and clearly you, being senseless, probably won't learn the lesson to be had and one of two things will happen: Repetition or Submission on his part where he becomes your eternal lover and you live happily ever after. Odds after calculation are 99.8 | .2 respectively.

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    • I would explain it a little more gently, but a nice answer nevertheless.

      (+1)

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    • By no means did I saw he was normal; he has some emotional problem. Probably fear of connection or some history.

    • Pretty much bang on about both. he has both emotional problem and some history, and the history problem I know about from these bedside chats, and always was surprising how much he admits how honest he was, and I mean that's why its been feeling so bad sometimes, that I knew he had some problems with girls in the past, but I cared for him so and really wanted to give love to him. I thought there was something good in him, (hes sounds like he hates himself sometimes) its such a mess.

  • If you want, he hasn't really done anything wrong.

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    • yeah its not so much what was wrong or right, its just that if he can spend so much time with me, why doesn't he want me to be his gf? if he even likes being intimate together. its weird. but I just didn't want to feel like he was just using me for affection when needed, I wanted some kind of commitment.

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    • yeah I'm not wanting to be YOUR girlfriend, but thanks for giving me the mindset of some guys. I'm sure he wants a girlfriend if its his dreamgirl. just no one matches that standard, or whatever ex he had before.

    • Awh. Just forget about him.

What Girls Said 3

  • From reading this I feel that you are in a situation I was once it. My best friend and I became intimate and it got weird. I was wanting the relationship but he didn't. He had feelings for me, which I feel this guy has for you, but at the same time wants to be free from relationship. He doesn't want to settle down right now with one girl. He tries to perceive as his friend only, who he can enjoy doing things with without the whole relationship thing. It's hard because he will give signals that he's ready for a relationship but his mouth will ruin everything. (Meaning he'll say he's not ready or he's not worth your time, blah blah) He's basically trying to mask his feelings and keep you at a safe distance. In a way, he's protecting you from hurt that will be caused by him that would cause him pain as well.

    Continue to be his friend and tell him to let up on some of the things that seem too intimate for friends.

    I wish I would have had someone to ask because my best friend completely stop communicating with me and now acts as if he doesn't know me at all.

    Good luck to you!

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    • yeah I know. in a way, he also told me he shouldn't be a barrier for me to some other guy, but I asked him once how he would feel if I left, and he automatically said 'i'd feel hurt'. its so confusing, I mean in a way I can hear what he says, but he'll touch me or hold me in some way which doesn't make sense with anyone other than someone you really care about. and also when he wants me back when he's had a lot of time alone :(. but I mean, don't want to feel like this obviously. I'll date if I want

    • I think in this situation, someone's going to be hurt regardless. The feelings and emotions and signals just keep showing that he likes you in a deeper way that he's expressing. It's confusing, and if you two don't handle the situation well then it's going to end with you both hurt.

  • dont be involved sexually if it hurts you. need to have clear borders and lines. you can be friends with him but just don't give to much of yourself if that is the problem. good luck.

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    • yea I'm just not sure if I can be friends with some guy whos like compartmentising me in such a way, like its OK to have sex with me, hang out, have some massages, then OK lets leave first thing in the morning. like he likes this casual sex thing with friends, and he never started it by saying to me that whatever he was doing, holding, kissing, walking together, was actually just 'casual' and had to piece this together over a few months, and wanna virtually erase memories of having sex with him.

  • Yeah he sounds to me like a lonely guy. He doesn't want to be alone so he won't mind hanging out with you and cuddle with you but he is not into you. I know someone who are very much like him. I recommend you to stop hanging around him and start seeing other people. Even if he doesn't have you he still another girls who willing to spend time with him. I have a roommate who is like that. When we are alone he would try to cuddle, hugs and kisses with me but when he around other people I'm just a roommate. Move on please its not worth it.

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    • he is :( really. I would love to be with him, because I thought we made each other happy. but his heart is really lonely, and empty. He even told me before he feels empty. We had these bedside chats where he would occasionally tell about stuff that happened with his exes, dissapointments, he's not a happy guy, inside. I hoped the time we shared was meaningful, but it really wasn't enough for him. Yeah its true, he treats me like a normal friend at school. its horrible. thanks for your advice!

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    • I wish people wouldn't do this to people, giving confusing signs and leaving a wake of destruction. if he just wanted sex, why not ask someone for just sex? Instead of being so vague and making me feel like he liked me. for gods sake. I wanna hate him sometimes and maybe I do. just don't know how to get out this frustration really. like for someone to hurt me that much and still call himself a friend of mine? maybe that's just bs.

    • What you ask for it's very simple but some people can't do that. Some people didn't want to feel guilty of their actions. You can only forgive and move on. I'm sorry you have to deal with his bs but some people are so delusional about things that they feel that they didn't do anything wrongs.

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