There is a guy friend I used to do a lot with, well hang out 2-3 times a week. It became a bit sexual sometimes, or that well I liked him and we would hold each other, and cuddle in bed and sleep next to each other. Basically we were just intimate. I wanted a relationship with him but he always said stuff like, "If its good like this, why change it?" and of course it wasn't the best situation for me, but maybe for him it was. and stuff like "Maybe you should find someone more into you", "I don't want you to waste your efforts on me". I mean he was basically telling me all the time he didn't want to be with me, but he would spend lots of time with me, and even if I go for just some normal hug, he would be kind of stroking my back in some way that I thought only lovers would. And unfortunately also, we had sex once when he was drunk. He kind of sounds the same when he's drunk and not drunk so I didn't notice until he said to apologize that he was very drunk. I was pretty upset about that because I didn't want it to be sex just because he's horny, I wanted it to be sharing something special together because its me. And I mean after that there was a lot of hurt and well we resumed being friends again. And because we have been like quite regularly just cuddling, no sex but touching and all that, and then maybe last month, I trusted him again, and thought that all the feelings were real, like when he holds me all night when I sleep etc, and I wanted to make love to him because I actually have/had these feelings for him, that I want to feel very close to him. But then it hurt really much when he said we should end the sexual contact too. I had been suggesting it somewhat, because it wasn't a relationship and it made me feel bad about how he was treating me (like doing all this with me but not accepting me as a girlfriend), but then having sex with someone is a lot of trust from me, and even though, in ways, I knew how unreliable he is, and probably should have escaped earlier, I couldn't help being attracted to him and enjoyed his friendship, like hanging out outdoors and visiting I guess most places together. It really hurt now because one month we Haven't hugged or really seen each other outside except at school. due to watch a movie with him at some point, but I don't know what to say anymore. Should I try not to be friends with him? I just don't know how to feel, sometimes I'm very angry about how he's been. He'll say things like 'of course I care about you', but then other times he writes 'i Haven't had the space/resources to think about this stuff between us' 'there's too much on my mind'. I really spent a lot of time with this guy, and it really hurts when we are not doing much in our friendship even, or it keeps feeling like he doesn't appreciate it that much until I'm gone. I think once for 2-3 weeks I did talk very much to him, and then he invited me to movie again and asked me if something was wrong, or if I had a boyfriend now :s.
Most Helpful Guy
The reason you're confused is because you don't understand something about guys that it is VITAL that you understand and accept:
- Guys do NOT need to have feelings for a girl in order to feel sexually attracted to her, or even to spend time with her and be close to her. Guys can do those things because they enjoy doing those things, and not because they want a relationship with the girl. You don't "get" that, because like most women, you don't work that way. In general, the only guys you want to get close to or be intimate/sexual with are guys you have feelings for.
I don't know if this guy simply doesn't want a relationship with ANYONE (lots of those out there), or if he just doesn't want one with you (which doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means that you and he don't "click" in his mind), but the bottom line is: he doesn't want this relationship. He's been telling you the truth in clear, simple language, but you're assuming that because he's still willing to be close to you, that what he's telling you isn't true. Well, it is true.
So, the ball is now in your court. You'll never get a relationship with this guy, so you have to decide what level of contact, if any, you want to maintain with him. In my experience, most people can't handle being around someone they have feelings for if the other person doesn't feel the same way, and if they try, they end up doing stupid things that they regret later.
Going forward, it is important for you to understand that there is a big difference between a guy who enjoys your physical company and closeness, and a guy who has feelings for you. Most guys can and do separate these two things, while for most girls, they are the same. Until you understand and accept that, you're going to continue to be hurt by guys who are telling you up-front what their limitations are, because you're refusing to accept what they're telling you.2