Psycho ex/ Son's father- Should I keep my partner updated?

My son's father, whom I've left 4 years ago still consistently contacts me demeaningly.

My boyfriend is aware of the full situation and is secure in our relationship. He knows I don't have the least desire to reconcile with my ex.

The question I have, is should I share convos and advances my ex makes with my boyfriend since he already fully knows how he is?

I've shared many of the convos with him because I can't stand the idea of my exes attempts being hidden and keeping him in the dark to it all. Like today my ex called me on a rampage about money and then called afterward apologetically and then had the audacity to ask me to return to him, which I vocalize strongly that there isn't a chance in hell. (It was a very bad split involving severe abuse and continued harassment.) So of course, part of me hates the idea of hiding that and having it come up in a different scenario and come off like I hid it from him. But, it really doesn't feel like telling him is 'right' either. No guy wants to hear about that, right?

I'm at loss on what to do. Can I get a restraining order on my ex legally when we have a kid together.

In the past, I've done nothing but try to be peaceable when possible, though in the last year I've been less of a diplomat and more vicious in hopes that it would drive him away. I hate that I have to be someone I'm not and it took a while to balance the 'bitch' in me to be aimed solely at him, and in that regard, I still have regret while doing it, not because I give a damn about someone's feelings who has never bothered to worry for mine (which is what made me decide in the first place to behave rudely towards him and not just sit there in neutrality letting him treat me that way.) But because I hate being mean.

-So, should I keep him updated when my ex behaves that way, or keep it from him to preserve his sanity since nothing will come of it?

-What can I do, with him being my son's father who, if nothing else, does make sure to send the necessary child support? I can't seem to get him to stop, no matter how reasonably, logically, or politely (or viciously even) I address it, but with him fulfilling his duties as a father, is there a way I can get him to back and leave me alone?

(And let's not state the obvious and regrettable, that I should have been more careful who I had a child with. I didn't fathom any of this and I was pressured into marriage by him and family at 19 because he genuinely seemed sane and on a good track. I was a 'deployment' bride, unbeknownst to me at the time) and once things went sour, I felt I was supposed to uphold and work on the marriage. I had my son at 21, almost 22, thinking it was appropriate since we were after all married. I had no idea that less than a year later my son's father would begin to attack me unprovoked in a psychopathic state of mind. I had no way of knowing that it would turn out the way it did.)

I brought the subject up and asked me how he felt about it. He said he's not threatened by him and that he trusts me. Right now my ex lives in Alaska via military but gets out in April. I plan to discuss with courts abstaining contact info (address and number) and having him go through grandparents. I've kept good rapport with them and didn't keep them from their grandson over what their son did. They've met and adore my current boyfriend at my son's birthday party.
As far as imminent danger, when he IS back in Texas (come April-May)...he's more likely to end up shot. He can't legally purchase a weapon and none of his friends have any nor would be stupid enough to provide him with that...many of his old friends would quicker shoot him themselves.

My boyfriend is diplomatic, but he would win a spar because A) My ex is 5'2" B) My ex fights without any real tact and usually comes out of fights he does end up picking losing with a black eye.


Most Helpful Guy

  • If you want your new guy to fully be in yur life, then try having him answer some of your ex's

    tirades Just knowing you have a new guy fullly involved in your life may your ex to stop asking you to come back to him, and generally it may get him to stop contacting you all the time.

    It would be difficult to get a restraining order, since he is the father of your child and sends the support payments on time, andit might just make him angry. I'd stay on the path you have chosen, being generally reasonable and civil, but I'd try involving your new guy in handling his communictions.

    Sure it's messy and a little embarrassing, but as you say it wouldn't be right to hide things from him.

    • Trust me, there's a voice of reason that I have to hold on to to prevent from saying (true) things like "Please. I'm getting better d*** than you could ever dream of providing for a girl and you think I'd give that up to get back with you?" but I withhold.

      And letting him get involved would not benefit things. My ex says f***ed up things...he knows very well how to provoke and his goal and dream would be to push my boyfriend over the edge.

    • Show All
    • I still hate that he has to deal with it I meant and wish he didn't have to. Two thoughts got strung together. Sorry lol.

    • Partners are for sharing the burdens as well as the joy of life! Getting some sort of no contact order from the courts wouldn't be a bad idea when he's back living near you..but don't count on that stopping him.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 5

  • i would get a restraining order for sure and move far away like to another state or at least county if law allows. seriously because all too often the ex gets crazier and could one day show up with a gun or take your kid and flee.

    ya for sure...go see the police soon. even if he is the kids dad so what. be prepared to buy a small hidden spy camera to see his nastiness crazy behavior for evidence. also record all phone calls or texts from this wacko. this day and age with a childs safetyu gotta show the court.

    but ya do what you gotta do

  • Well it's good to be open & honest about things but you don't want to put more strain on your current relationship than you have to. So I'd say you should figure out how much info you need to keep your current guy updated about...basically, you're the filter. You can be honest with him without sharing every emotional rant from your ex. Sometimes ignorance is bliss...what we don't know can't hurt for your ex, I'd keep that in mind as a general rule while obviously not going too far to the other extreme and feeling like you're hiding anything from him either. You seem smart; just trust your instincts.

  • Your ex is an unstable, but war does that to men. It's really sad all the way around. You have to keep you current Boyfriend updated, BUT don't sensationalize it. Because you could create a dangerous situation. If my girlfriend was getting cursed out regularly by any guy I'd end up having a misunderstanding with the guy doing it. But you don't want those two fist-fighting or worse. There is an innocent kid involved, and it's still his dad. At some point you'd have to answer to him for whatever happens.

  • id say keep your boyfriend updated, keep telling your ex he doesn't have a chance. quite the messy situation, so glad I didn't get my ex pregnant lol.

  • Just call the cops - you're from the USA - there you can freely sue someone even if they look at you the wrong way.


What Girls Said 1

  • You realize you are talking about murdering somebody.

    • I don't mean literally. Someone brought up that he could get crazier and possibly shoot me because he's psycho so I replied that he's more likely to get shot than I am and thus I'm not preoccupied with that fear. Not that I ever would. It wasn't meant literally nor that I foresaw it, I meant if he tried to obtain a gun to come after me wouldn't succeed.

    • Kriskiss: "seriously because all too often the ex gets crazier and could one day show up with a gun or take your kid and flee."

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