Do I need to be more understanding about my boyfriend meeting an ex?

My boyfriend of 8 months is very honest with me. This girl he dated/hooked up with in the summer, had a lot of fun with, three years ago comes into town periodically. She Facebooked him and said she is coming into town and that she wants to meet up platonically because she is in a relationship. (It never worked out between them because of the distance.) He said that he wants to meet up with her as friends. He said he would not feel comfortable inviting me. I think this is not appropriate. It is not that I do not trust him. I just do not think a guy should meet up with a girl he hooked up with and hung out with 3 summers ago when he in a serious relationship, especially because he does not want to invite me along. I have never dated a guy that wants to meet up with exes except for one that cheated on me. I am afraid this colors my view; however, I know friends and family with whom I share values would not accept their significant other meeting up with an ex, so I know I am not being crazy. He and I just do not see eye to eye. He said that he feels I am preventing him from having meaningful platonic relationships from women that he has made friends with in the past. I do not want something like this to end our relationship but I do not think I can ever accept this. *Note: he has already been found inappropriately g-chatting with an ex who he said was a harmless and a platonic relationship. He ended contact with this ex but now he wants to see another. Please help me. I want to be open and understanding but this is making me really sick to my stomach and I need objective advice. Thank you.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Objectively, there's nothing wrong with a guy meeting an ex. But your boyfriend isn't in the most objective situation, as he's already broken your trust by chatting inappropriately with an ex. (I'm assuming you're being honest in describing the situation, and not just calling it inappropriate because you didn't like it) I also wonder how you can say he was "found out" doing this and yet you'd still describe him as being "very honest" with you. That doesn't seem consistent.

    Basically, you're not preventing him from having platonic friends - he is. He already proved he couldn't have a platonic friend, without letting the texts get inappropriate.

    You may just have found a guy who doesn't know how to be a platonic friend to a girl. There are a few like that. The bad news for you, is that such men don't let their partners concerns ever stop them from flirting around with other girls.

    If a guy treats his girlfriends *valid* concerns with contempt, it should trigger warning signs all over the place.

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What Guys Said 1

  • You can't argue with your gut feeling and quite frankly, feeling sick at the thought of it.

    Regardless, he might be one of those guys who can actually be friends with his ex's because he's well aware of why they broke up, but also remembers why they got together(ergo, being fun to hang out with, easy to talk to or what not)

    With regards to not taking you along, speaking from personal experiance I understand where he is comming from. Neither of the girls will feel comfortable(most of the time) because the other is present, it'll be awkward and weird and no one really wants that.

    I also understand where you are comming from as its not completely unreasonable to find it unacceptable to be left out so he can meet up with an ex.

    The fact of the matter is that you need to talk to him(again), if you can't see eye to eye and your really uncomfortable because he's meeting up with his ex's but he doesn't want to stop doing so then you have a problem. The only solution if you find it unbearable is to break up if neither of you is willing to change his standpoint.

    I'm also curious, are there other friends on those "meet ups" or is it just him & her?

    I am also a bit concerned about him saying that you are preventing him from having friendship with women he's befriended in the past. I can understand why you have problems with his ex's but what about women he hasn't slept with? Do you have problems with those as well? Does he act different when he meets those? Do you actually go along then? Bad experiance, etc?

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What Girls Said 1

  • In what way was he "inappropriate" with his ex over g-chat? If he was talking to her in ways that were clearly beyond platonic, you're very right to be worried about his wanting to meet up with another ex. I'm all for trust in a relationship, but once that trust is broken, he has to earn it back before asking you to trust him again. You say that this isn't a trust issue, but it is. If you trusted him 100%, this wouldn't even be an issue. And in this case, I think your suspicions are spot on.

    Unfortunately, though, if this guy's a cheater, he's going to cheat on you regardless. Forbidding him to meet up with an ex won't stop him, and accompanying him to the meeting won't stop him. Since you're willing to keep dating him, you kind of have to let go of the reins here. He may cheat, but if he's going to, there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop him. And frankly, wouldn't you rather know he's a cheater sooner rather than later?

    A real, trustworthy, respectful boyfriend would listen to your concerns and take your feelings about the matter into account. He would understand the trust issues that stem from your past experiences, and do everything in his power to reassure you that he deserves your trust. And ultimately, it should make him uncomfortable to do something that makes you uncomfortable. I really think that if he discussed it with you, really listened to where you are coming from, and you were still uneasy about the whole thing, he wouldn't do it. Instead, he's making you out to be the villain by acting like you're being too controlling. Usually when people become defensive like this, it's because they have something to hide.

    At the end of the day, this is an issue of respect. And based on what you've laid out here, it does not sound like your boyfriend respects you or your feelings. I suggest you leave him, but if you're unwilling to do that, you'll have to just accept that you have no control over his actions.

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