Do some girls need to hookup with a guy before they consider a relationship?

So, I met this girl in September 2012 at the start of our graduate program. She had a boyfriend (living near her hometown, hundreds of miles away). She's quite ditsy and flirtatious, and during the first few months she was quite touchy feely, with me especially. We danced pretty hard, and one night I'm convinced I could have slept with her: as I and another girl were leaving her apartment she flirtatiously said that I didn't have to leave (implying sex, as we were the last to leave at 1am). At one point in the night she drunkenly bit my arm. Another night she made out with some other guy within about 2 hours of interaction with him, so she definitely is the type of girl who could cheat due to a lack of self-control (never out of spite, she's very kind). As karma would have it, her boyfriend broke up with her in November. I immediately went to her apartment and consoled her. Over the next few weeks we talked a lot every day and hung out several times, just the two of us. In December I somewhat clumsily tried to make a move on her, but she wasn't having it. Start semester break (3 weeks off).

I pulled away my friendship a bit because it was hard to be myself around her while knowing that she didn't want a relationship. This made her upset (she cried). I explained why I was pulling away, but she interpreted my actions as mean and hurtful, which made me upset because I care about her. In short, the past few months have been turbulent. She told me that she loves the way I look at her, and that she just wants me to be happy. However, it's difficult to be happy because I still have feelings for her, and sometimes it seems as if she has none for me whatsoever.

We no longer talk every day, and things are somewhat tense when we talk in person... except after we've had a few drinks, then it's almost like we're old friends (she's careful not to be too flirtatious because she doesn't want to cause me more grief).

She has expressed to me that she is looking for a man who could potentially be her husband, not a boy. She's two years older than me. I am, in some ways, more mature than she is: she's been on her own for only 2 years, she barely cooks, and she still heavily relies on her mother. She's quite childish in person. I have been on my own for 4 years, cook healthy meals regularly, and I'm pretty much independent. She is, however, much more experienced in relationships. She has been in several serious relationships, whereas I have never been in anything serious.

I am wondering if this all has to do with SEX, and the fact that I didn't sleep with her when I probably could have. I think she views me as an inexperienced guy who could potentially be her boyfriend if only I was more aggressive and sexual. She is unable to say that we will never be together "because she can't predict the future." She uses the excuse that she's still messed up from her ex and she wouldn't want me to be a part of that mess, but she also claims to be over him.

What do you think

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Sorry buddy, she sounds kind of slutty and immature.

    I am the type that I need to have sexual (not necessarily SEX itself) interaction with a guy before I decide if I want a relationship with him. And I am guilty of jumping into bed with guys.

    But the thing is, if I'm interested in something long-term with a guy, I control myself. There are two types of sex in my book:

    1. Hey I'm drunk, let's f***. OR Hey I'm attracted to you, let's f***.

    Which, if I'm attracted the guy, it's fair game. But that's what it is: f***ing.

    2. I want to have sex with you because I like you, I am committed physically and mentally to you, and this is something more meaningful than physical pleasure.

    The former means nothing. I repeat, nothing.

    And if she says that she needs to have #1 before she even considers #2, that's bull.

    Note: she loves the way you look at her. She loves the way you make her feel. She wants you to be happy not because she really cares for you, but because when you're happy you show her the love and attention that makes her happy.

    Of course she's looking for a potential husband; most woman are. It's built into us both biologically and societally to desire that stability and unconditional devotion. And dating "boys" is no fun because they play games, just like she does. And "boys" are inexperienced and can't pamper a woman the way a more experienced man can. It doesn't necessarily mean she is mature enough or emotionally ready for a serious relationship, it just means that she desires the feeling of it.

    Also, another thing I've realized: long-term doesn't always mean serious.

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    • Yea, which is why I'm so attracted to her, I can't help it. I love the way she's so sensual and girly... it's enticing and intoxicating. But at the same time I'm extremely cautious about getting into an intimate relationship with somebody. I don't want to be separated from a girl to whom I'm physically bonded.

      Do I sound like the kind of guy who is compatible with this kind of girl? And, if so, how would you recommend I fix things with her? Should I simply be more physically expressive?

    • Well... a lot of girls who act generally reserved can be sensual and girlie with their boyfriends. But if you want a girl who's always out there so other guys can see her go home with you and feel envious, then all the power to you. And if you do like that, then you're probably compatible. I personally don't think that is going to be a very mature relationship, but I'm sure it'll be fun, at least for a while. You're also probably going to have a lot of drama, so if you like drama...

    • And I don't know her personally, so I'm really judging her based on people I've known with similar behaviors. Generally those girls have trouble committing -- not always in the sense that they can't be monogamous, but just they don't get as emotionally invested (being emotional all the time also does not mean emotionally invested...) But idk, I think those girls are more trouble than they're worth, but if you like playing with fire, then go ahead. Maybe you won't get burned.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Do some girls need to hookup with a guy before they consider a relationship?

    Yes as some gals want a tryout to ensure that sex is to their satisfaction before they get emotionally attached and are likely to have to grin it and bear it during sex.

    What do you think?

    I think it's suited for you to reevaluate what gals you're attracted to and attract.

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    • Yea, that's what I've been thinking as well. Kinda wanted to hear it from somebody else though. Thanks.

  • I say go for her, get your heart broken then you will know what you DON'T want, everyone needs to get their heart broken once to be able to appreciate true love. Just don't marry her or have kids..

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