He says he wants to "tap the brakes" and slow it down

I met this guy a little over 2 months ago, when he joined a team that I am on, and we hit it off right from the get go. Within a couple of days of us meeting we were spending most of our free time together, and after a couple of weeks we were doing sleepovers. I admit, things did get hot and heavy quick. But it was hot and heavy both in and out of the bedroom. A few weeks in he stopped calling or coming over for a few days, and when I questioned him about it he said that it was just really intense and he needed to step back for a few to make sure he was ready. I can understand that and didn't have a problem with it. It went right back to being very intense. Then about two weeks ago he withdrew again. He told me that he was sick, or had too much work... basically kept coming up with excuses. At one point we went almost 4 days without even a text. Last night I pinned him down and told him to tell it to me straight, and he gave me the same reason again. "I just want to tap the brakes, want to slow things down some". Again, I'm okay with that, but I think he should have told me instead of blowing me off for two weeks. I asked him if there was anything else - that I didn't buy that as the whole reason this time - but he said that's really it. And then he hung out after our talk, was really snuggly and chatty and everything. Gave me a nice kiss goodbye. I don't think I'm pushing hard. Not dropping the L-bomb already, not talking about future plans outside of a couple of weekend getaways, nothing serious. I do really like the guy and am willing to stick it out and move along slowly. But I'm a little concerned that maybe there is more to it than that. It might be an age thing? I am 32 and he is 24. I don't usually date that young, and he doesn't usually date this old, but that hasn't seemed like an issue to me. Also, I do have a son who is 5, but he even told me that my kid is a bonus, they get along absolutely great and he's never said or acted in a way that would make me think that is the problem either. I don't think he's seeing anyone else, and I'm not really sure what the more than that might be... that's why I'm here. Any insights guys? Thanks!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • When I was in his age range I dated a couple of older women.

    I've always been a decent guy, the only times I was ever called a player I'm pretty sure were in irony. Maturity wasn't my strong suit (still isn't) though, and even with the best of intentions I had problems dating older women who had their sh*t together when I was in my mid twenties.

    The reason was that I had the expectation that an older woman deserved a lot more assurance of relationship success than I could provide. Just didn't know where I'd be a year from then, or how I'd feel about being in a relationship with an older woman at that point, either. Why lead her on? At the same time, why blow her off? The sex is way better, the conversations are too.

    Men are not at the peak of emotional intelligence at his age, despite the nearly perfect confidence they possess.

    The advice I'd give is to let it slide a while longer, but give yourself a deadline. He's got to mull things over and there's still competition in his mind from video games or new cars or beer pong, what have you. Trust him if you want to about other women. This advice works whether he's a player or not.

    Give yourself three to four weeks before re-examining things. Then give him the thumbs up, or thumbs down, to his face. Say, "I let things go and gave you your space and now you have/haven't calmed your wobbly-kneed-colt self down and we can/can't go forward in a mature relationship from here."

    He's got to miss you a bit to see if he's ready to leave a little more adolescence behind and take on the mantle of manhood a little more.

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    • Journeyman,

      Thanks for the advice. That was the best insight ANYONE has been able to give me. It's hard to get into the mind of a 24 yo fella when you're a 30 something chick. Much appreciated, and I will take it to heart.

    • Thanks for the BA!

      I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but manage the expectations.

      Realism plus optimism. Keeps people from getting hurt so bad.

      Good luck with things.

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  • the problem is that he just wants casual sex especially because yo uare in very different places in life. he doesn't want to commit to you.

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