What to think of all this?

Alright, I will try and make a long story short. 10 years ago, I met this girl, she had everything I ever wanted. We went out for 5 years but we were both in college, had jobs and even though we lived together, we barely saw each other. You see where this is going. Things went sour and we went our separate ways.

Since then, she came back, asked to get back together, moved away, left me again, came back and so on.

Now, its been almost 4 years since the initial break up. Last summer she met a guy and he let her down when it was time to move in with her. I hadn't talked to her in months when she called me. Getting back together never was on the menu but during 2012 Xmas vacations, we saw each other and something lit up. We spent a whole month together and she finally told me that she still had feelings for me.

Since January, we spent a few week ends (she lives 125 miles away) together, no arguments, just pure fun. We think like one, sometimes, I don't even have to open my mouth for her to know what I am thinking. Sex has never been that great. We went out for dinner, music shows, stuff we never did before.

Last week, she asks me to come to her place. I ended spending 9 days at her place (I work from home, so as long as I have internet, I'm good). First week end, all good, then, during the week, she was weird, first I thought nothing of it but last Saturday, we woke up, had sex and right after, she tells me : "I finally made up my mind. We will not get back together, ever but I found out that my feelings changed for you, I am growing more and more fond of you and I almost quit my job to go back to you so we could buy a house and move in together".

At first, I was stunned, all this, at once... I felt my heart pound harder than ever and I did not know what to make of it all.

So it all boils down to this :

-She was hurt by me in the past

-She still loves me (more even)

-She almost quit her job to move in with me (I live in her hometown (city), so all her family is here)

-Says she does not want to hurt me by coming back to me

-Says she's afraid I will fall back into my old habits (I used to have an anger management problem and to be impetuous and impatient)

-Says she's afraid it won't work together

So, I don't know what to make of this. I love this woman with all my heart, I mean, not in a freaky way but tenderly. I want to be with her, to protect her, to tell her everything will be alright. I want to be her best friend, her soul mate, her love.

I feel like she's so close but yet so far away. When I left her place, I told her I could not be her friend if I could not be her lover. She cried. I told her I could not be there for her because I could never cease to love her.

I haven't spoken to her in 2 days now (I left her place on last Sunday) and I don't plan to ever talk to her again in this life.

She claims she still loves me and even more than before. I'd like to have the opinion of a few ladies on this.

I feel this woman is the one I was meant to meet, never before have I had a connection so deep, so unique with a woman. I would gladly give my life to save hers. I still have my dignity though.

We've known each other for over 9 years now, we're no longer infatuated and it scares her, you know, the little butterflies in the stomach and all... But something replaced it, a deep respect and understanding I never thought, I could ever find/achieve.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Look I'm young and doesn't have that much experience when it comes down to love. However what I see here is that you both are making a pretty simple situation more complicated than ever. Maybe it is the intensity of your feelings for each other.

    The way I see it, you both love each other and undoubtedly, the love you have for each other even if it isn't perfect and has its ups and down is still one of a kind. If I only focus on this I really don't see why the two of you wouldn't be together. I'm not saying all people need to make it work is love. But it does factor in a lot. You could both learn from your past mistakes in handling your situation, and make it work this time.

    Also I'm sure you did notice, people do evolve and grow up and become more mature. You mentionned having worked on your anger issue which is a very good thing.

    Have you asked yourself if you would ever regret it to not be with her? Where do yo usee yourself a few years down the line? If you both want to be in each others' future why wouldn' t you be?

    • I will regret it for the rest of my life. We had a long talk last night. Basically, she was going to give us one last try but she kept all the mails we exchanged over the last 9 years as well as some I have written that weren't so nice, back when I was a "jerk". That's what made her decide getting back together was not the best thing.

      She says that even though she forgave me my mistakes, there's still a part of her, deep inside her, that says "don't do it".

      I don't want to force her...

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • I love some1,who loves me too,bt his behavior to me is not good... He used to insult me when he got angry...

    I've tried a lot 2 make him understand that it hurts me,bt he can't get me...

    I broke up with him 7months ago... :'(

    Bt still I've got strong feelings 4 him...

    I've tried 2 patch up with him many times in past 7months... Bt he still thinks that I leave him 4 no reason,I don't love him etc etc...

    So,whenever I try 2 get him back,I've 2 cry a lot and lot... :'(

    So,I can get your prob... She loves u,bt can't patch up with you 4 your bad habits... If you need my advice,I'll ask you 2 chng yourself and go back 2 her and tell her that u've changed... I think she'll accept you 4ever... :'(

    God bless u...

    • I have actually overcome my anger problem. I also was a stubborn jerk and got a more open minded approach to life now. She noticed all that since we've been hanging out for months now (on and off I know). She's still afraid I will go back to my old habits, even if I haven't had a relapse since.

    • I can get u...

      I think she's afraid of future probs... Because I've got d same thing in my mind...

      N I'm nt happy widout him...

      I've got a boyfriend 4m last 1.5mnths...he try 2 keep me happy all d time... Bt M nt happy widout my ex... :'(

  • Wow...this is intense. This girl is without a doubt head over heels for you (and you feel the same, I'd guess since you keep getting pulled in) :-P

    I can understand both of you being wary, but you're mature enough to work it out if it's what you both want.

    If she's still unsure/scared, would you consider therapy as an option for the two of you? It'd be a shame to let such a connection go to waste.

    • Yes, she is scared for a couple reasons

      1) she might not be happy with me after a little while and end up leaving me and hurt me more

      2) scared I go back to my old habits of getting angry all the time

      I tried to get her to see a therapist with me (I saw one solo for months anyway) and never seem to want to commit to the idea. I don't know how to present it to her. I don't care if it makes her even "surer" to leave me but at least, we will know why.

    • At this point, I think you should just be completely honest with her and tell her what you said in our update...that you're willing to do whatever it takes for her.

What Guys Said 3

  • It seems that she still has genuine feelings for you. It's just that your anger problem is taking a toll in your relationship and that's what she's afraid of the most. You just need to overcome that problem of yours, and you, two will be good in the long run.

    • Thing is, I have taken care of the problem, I musta left that one out. I have done a lot of work on myself over the course of the last 3 years, so much that she has been amazed at my new self.

      Still, she decided to let me go.

  • Look I am young, but if what you are telling me sir, In my opinion even if you don't get together it's worth a try. And from 10 years of knowing and fighting back and fourth let me tell you... That is enough to know each other. You know how to anger her, you know how to scare her, and now you know how to love her. If she's open to all these threats and she's willing to take your hand. Then follow these steps. 1. Buy a ring (2~3 month salary if you want to be fancy) 2. Wake up early in the morning cook some good delicious breakfast. 3. Come back home from work with a ton of flowers and propose. You don't live forever and if you love her to willing to risk your life for her then it is time.

  • Way to fight for your woman there tiger. First, there is a history of coming and going with you two, so there is a good chance that she wanted to see how much you wanted to be with her, perhaps on a permanent basis. In other words, she my have wanted to see how easily you would give up on being with her. Most women don't bring up their past future dreams to the guy that they are adamant about not being in relationship with, especially during the process of letting him go, because it will give him false hope. She may have left the door open for you to emphatically convince her that you want the same.

    I personally believe that you jump the gun and your effort to keep her did not reflect your love for her. Perhaps it's not too late.

    • I do not want to "force" a decision out of her the same way I would not "wish" for her to love me because I want her to be with me because it's what she wants, not because I told her it was the right thing to do.

    • Given the history, she may have simply wanted "confirmation" that if she gave it one more try with you, the outcome will be different than those of the past.