The "I don't want a relationship" bomb?

So I've recently gotten quite close to this guy. At the start of our getting to know each other, he told me he didn't want a relationship. It was strange to hear that, because he'd never actually HAD one before (so rule out being burned by an ex). As things progressed, we got more into each other. We haven't slept together (and I don't plan to just yet) but we connect and we have a great time. We're great together. He's sweet and sentimental and pretty much acts like my boyfriend, referring to me as 'babe' in front of girls who clearly like him... is he a scumbag waiting to happen? Does he want his cake and to eat it too? Advice! What's on your side when you tell a girl "I don't want a relationship"? Would you tell that to a girl you like?

I like him a lot, but I want to be smart enough to walk away if this is a different game of chess to him...


Most Helpful Girl

  • HE already told you that he doesn't want a relationship. From this point on, what ever happens is on you. You can set boundaries, or you can accept that he isn't interested in dating and make things physical if he's into the idea.

    But its not fair to try and use sex, intimacy, and emotional stimulation as a means to try to force someone into a relationship because that is what you want. And yes all three things are separate.

    Some people just aren't interested in relationships or monogamy. As his friend you should accept that. Everyone doesn't want the same things. Everyone doesn't have the same beliefs.

    Talk to him about the situation and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you are interested in him in a romantic way. Be honest with him. Are you capable of just being friends? IF not, tell him you need a little bit of distance and tell him to stop calling you babe. Are you capable of just having a physical relationship with no attachments? IF you are then tell him that you are interested in taking things in that direction.

    You have to realize that being around someone with false intentions is manipulative. Don't be that person. Respect his decision, he was honest with you, its only fair that you return the favor.

    • Thank you - very sound advice! I will be honest with him, I've been meaning to tell him how I feel anyhow. In any case, does the guy ever change his mind?

    • Show All
    • Definitely. Thanks for taking the time :)

    • and that's why as a man is always best to just renounce casual sex or just sex in general. since that is what women do best; use sex to control and manipulate us!

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What Guys Said 3

  • You're wise to be so skeptical when you heard his line "I don't want a relationship." This is a pretty big Red Flag from the start.

    So taking your time makes good sense.

    You're pretty much doing everything I would recommend... dating and slowly escalating until you get to the point that you either want more or you want someone else. That point is an unknown until you FEEL it.

    It's possible to seduce him into a relationship with time which is kinda what you're doing. But it may take him longer than it takes you. There's a fine line between being patient and being blind... only you can tell if he's never going to want more or not. And you just might have to push him a little to find out.

    Your best asset at this point, if you've been dating long enough and you're at the point that you want more, is to finally have "the talk."

    This is the talk that scares most guys away because girls tend to force this conversation way too early... but if you've been dating a while then perhaps it's time.

    I think the best approach is a safe and slow one... something like this, over dinner:

    "Hey Steve, listen... we've been flirting and dating long enough now that I'm at the point where we should take a moment to define where we're both at. Neither of us seem to be in a hurry, and I like that, but I've had enough time to know sex is definitely on my agenda... I can only assume it is for you too. And I don't want to be having sex with you if we're both also dating other people... I need exclusivity.

    I'm not trying to pressure you, I just want to know how you feel about us. I have other dating opportunities that I've been denying because I want to see where things are developing with you and if you're not where I am I need to know.

    And so I'm wondering where you're at with things?"

    Basically you need know yourself and what YOU need, even at the risk of pushing him away. You deserve to get what you want and he deserves the truth.

    It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and will figure this out without any problems.


    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

  • I think it's time to revisit the conversation. Ask him if he wants to start 'dating'. "I don't want a relationship" is usually code for one of two things. 1) He wants a relationship, just not with you or 2) He wants to date you and anyone else who comes along.

    You knew his position before going into it with him, though.

    • Will do! Thanks for the response.

  • He just wants a sexual affair. He's telling you this staright out..that's what the 'I don't want a relationship' line means here.

    He would't be fcalliong you 'babe' and all that if he just wanted a friendship.

    I'd bet that you're right, he just hopes eventually to lure you into bed.

    • Not necessarily, sure in most cases when a guy says that he's only after one thing, but not always. If I made that assumption when my boyfriend and I first started hanging out, I'd be missing out on a fantastic relationship right now. You just gotta play it safe.

    • Not in every case, no, but that's the way to bet!

What Girls Said 3

  • I think Washiz's advice is great. Many guys, especially in our early twenties age group, tend to be quite cautious about entering monogamous relationships. This doesn't mean he is a manipulative person, especially since he was so forward and honest with you before anything sexual happened.

    Most people so far have suggested a serious talk with him, which I think is a good idea if you need to know urgently before proceeding with anything else. Although this has happened to me before (seeing a guy who'd never had a girlfriend before) and my approach was to enjoy his company, and take things as they came without investing too much in him. We never had a proper "discussion" about where things were, until he decided he wanted an exclusive relationship with me.

    So some guys eventually do come around, if they figure out that being in a relationship has its perks too - can be fun and not too "serious". But like Bob suggests, it's ultimately about what YOU want. Sounds like you know what that is, you're smart enough to listen to your gut.

    • Thanks for the comment! How far long down the line did he ask for exclusivity?

    • It was nearly 3 months of limbo dating, and I'll be honest, it was torturous as I'd never been in the situation before. We had a class in college together, but he also worked at a pub, and I remember burning inside when he'd tell me about hanging out with a female colleague at 4am after their shift. So yes, it was painful at times, but lucky I had study and a fun social circle to keep me occupied. We realized down the track that we were both being exclusive, and wanted to make that official...

  • I've been in this situation before and I know how frustrating it can be. Normally when a guy says that, it's just not gonna happen. However, there are rare occasions when a guy gets to know a girl who he likes so much he ends up changing his mind. It happened with me and my boyfriend but he was also one of those guys who was scarred by bad experiences with his exes.

    I'm not sure how long you've been talking to this guy for, but his behavior around you can be a big clue to his intentions. If he's grown more affectionate (not just physically) with you over time, that's a good sign. It does sound like he's into you so I don't think it's because he doesn't want to be with you specifically. So really it comes down to a matter of what he wants more, being single or being with you. After you've been talking for at least a couple of months I'd ask him again where he stands on a relationship and if he still doesn't want to be with you, move on.

  • Make yourself unavailable. He should miss you a bit. Remain friendly to him and affectionate, but don't make time for him. Only see him when you have nothing else going on. If you could be watching TV and he calls, choose watching TV over him. Same for sleeping, eating, studying etc. But when you do see him, be funny, charming, witty. Make him want to see you again. Eventually, he will want to spend more time with you and realize that he misses you. This should make him want a relationship with you. If it doesn't, ditch the guy completely