Do you think things can be salvaged?

I met a guy over a year ago via a online dating service. We had gone out on 20-30 dates and inseparable. We talked every night, spend 2-3 nights together sleeping in the same bed (no sex), and went everywhere together. Family and friends thought we were together.

During this same year, he lost his high-paying job and his home. I offered him to stay at my house until he got back on his feet. When I offered him the front bedroom, he said no "we would be like an old married couple already." So he sleep in my bed.

We had a fantastic time all summer long, going kayaking, fishing, baseball games, and being silly around the house. We even made plans like a couple. We had talked about marriage, kids, the future, and even started a small business together.

In September, I finally had the courage to ask him what we were... he told me we were best friends and that he couldn't date anyone until he got himself right and he got a job. I was a little hurt but understood where he was coming from.

The past few months we have had some great moments and not so great moments... most of the issues we have had are around some of the girls on his Facebook page. The comments that they write and ex-gf's trying to chat with him. This has led to some trust issues and some fights. He assured me they are all long time friends and that he wouldn't do anything with any of them.

In Feb, I went to Florida for a week. The day before I left I said "if you are not interested in me or you don't see a future... just let me know " He couldn't answer and finally he said "let me get a job first and we will see about us." He also said "I will always be there for you and I would hate to lose you"

That brings me yesterday when I saw another girl on Facebook calling him "babe" after posting a picture. This particular girl is the same girl that he was rumored to have hooked up with June (something he denies).

I told him it made me think that something went on and he was demonstrating behavior that allowed her to think it was OK. He got really upset and said I was causing drama... saying he would never date a girl that caused drama (which if you knew me I am actually really laid back)

This led to a huge fight in which I told him I thought he had been leading me on this entire time and that I was a fool for believing he actually like me and that he wanted a future with me. He said that we were close friends, and that he thought being friends was going to be enough...

I kicked him out... I told him I loved him but I couldn't live like this anymore... I said it was inevitably anyway because the minute he moved for his new job he wouldn't talk to me anymore anyway ... he responded "that is not true and you know it" "I am tired of you saying that" I can't sit here and you tell me that the past year meant nothing. "he said I never said that" Then he left...

What does he mean by close friend? Do think things can be salvage?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Wow...I'm thinking Anon guy has some issues. He definitely missed the point here.

    You have a right to be wary. You've been "together" with this guy for over a year, supporting him, offering him a place to stay, loving him...all the while he has yet to define the relationship. You're right in thinking that he's leading you on, because he is. He's fine acting like he's in a relationship with you and getting all the benefits, but the moment you ask him about it, he deflects it saying you're "close friends" and that should be enough or "let me get a job first and we will see about us"

    From a purely objective standpoint, it seems like he's using you. As long as he doesn't put a label on the relationship, he can continue to have his cake and eat it too: acting like you're in a relationship but saying otherwise...flirting with other girls but denying it...having a roof over his head but disrespecting you...

    Can things be salvaged? Probably, but by "salvaged" you're just going to go back to being his support system and "friend" without him giving you what you want.

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • This is why I kicked him out... it's wasn't like he didn't have a place to go. He has an apartment lined up a week from Sunday (I am still taking care of the dog). It's funny because I still have the text from him that told me "that I was the only one who seems to care about him and cares what happens to him." He did take advantage. When he lost his house, I was the only one there to help him. I just hope he realizes what he is losing... He is not a bad guy... misguided.

    • For your sake, I hope he realizes it too. I'm sure he will eventually, but for now...as hard as it is, you have to stand strong and try to move on :-/

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What Guys Said 1

  • "saying he would never date a girl that caused drama (which if you knew me I am actually really laid back)

    This led to a huge fight in which I told him I thought he had been leading me on this entire time and that I was a fool for believing he actually like me and that he wanted a future with me."

    Oh yeah, sounds like you weren't causing drama *at* *all*...

    "I kicked him out."

    Yeah, no drama here... What a laid back individual you are...

    Please let this poor guy get far far away from you.

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    • I am sorry you feel that way... the only drama that was in this relationship is when it came to girls and their intentions. I asked because I would rather hear the truth. I am not jealous of these women but if that is what he wanted I would simply move on. I failed to disclose that in the beginning there was in fact another girl that I was completely unaware of. He has been with over 100 girls so there are A LOT of exes and exes who want him back.

What Girls Said 3

  • You made the right choice. If a man wants to be with you, he will move a mountain to do it. It has nothing to do with 'timing'. Trust me.

    It can be salvaged if he comes back (not you crawl back) with a commitment.

    As for the 'babe' thing, you over-reacted, but it's because you are insecure in your relationship. That's his doing. If didn't want you to freak, all he would have to do is say I am committed to you and only you.

    And to the men, women don't CAUSE drama- we respond to it.

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    • Thank you... I am very mellow... but when it comes to him and the "girls" yes I do tend to react. He best friend told me they hooked up and he said they didn't. So it is a matter of trust. There has been similar instances too... I have no plans to contact him ... it is his move. You hit the nail on the head... all he had to do was commit... issues/worries gone.

  • Your wayyy too nice. And the guy is just taking advantage. You should have walked away earlier. if he wanted you he would make sure he gets you.

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  • We only have your side of the story. I am not saying that you're lying, or making things up, or anything. What I'm trying to say is if your side of the story is 80% correct, you did the only right thing.

    I think it's weird that a guy talks to you about marriage and kids, refuses to take the front bedroom because he doesn't like the idea of being "like an old married couple", and at the same time tells you he needs time to get a job first and then he'll see how things work out with you two. That is not how it works. My life is far from perfect. I have several things I need to sort out, and hence I'd prefer to stay single. But if the right guy came along, I'd never tell him to wait for me to sort things out. If someone wants to be with you, s/he'll do everything s/he can to make it happen.

    I honestly don't think anything can be salvaged with that guy. By close friends he means he can rely on you but not really offer you much but empty promises in return. It's been going on for over a year, it is very doubtful that anything good will come of it.

    One last thing about the girls on his Facebook: in general, I'd not take Facebook seriously. But, and I know this is generalizing and you can't tarnish everyone with the same brush BUT: I've had some experiences with guys I met on online dating sites. All of them were pretty much addicted to online dating and getting to know new girls. They craved the attention of someone new, of experiencing new things with some new girl. It didn't necessarily happen at the same time it did with me, some of them had the decency to wait a few months. But eventually, all of them returned to online dating. I am not saying there aren't any decent and trustworthy guys on online dating sites. But I'd be extremely wary. In my experience, those guys are completely inept when it comes to relationships, they don't want commitment, they want the thrill of the new. Your guy sounds a bit like that as well.

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