My boyfriend was messaging girls via a s*x account.. is this cheating? What should I do? Will he stop?

Guys I need help...I'm so lost and could really use some outside perspective on my situation. I have been in a relationship for 4 years and we moved in together about a year and a half ago. We are very happy together and very much in love. I thought this was the man that I was going to marry and we openly talked of that. Well I recently found that my boyfriend had an account on an adult website and was exchanging sexual messages and photos with strangers. I confronted him and he was sincerely apologetic, crying, and embarrassed. We did not speak for several days and then had a heartfelt conversation where he explained he never wanted to physically interact with these women, he deleted his account, agreed to never do anything like that again and to work on building back my trust. I was heartbroken that he had done these things and it was very hard for me to look past it. He was treating me amazing and then I found that he had done the SAME THING again. He created another account and exchanged nude photos with women. I am devastated… I feel so betrayed and cannot understand why he would do this. He cried and begged me to forgive him, saying it looks way worse than it is. He is saying he made the biggest mistake of his life and wants to marry me. I don’t understand how you could feel that way but go behind my back and betray me. It is just on the internet but it still hurts me. And I also wonder what else it could have led to. I also SERIOUSLY question why he would do this twice in one week after having been so upset over thinking I would leave him? I love him but I feel like he has seriously crossed a line that I am not sure we can go back from. I want to know what guys think about this issue- Do a lot of males do these kinds of things? Is this cheating? How would you react in this situation? I feel so ridiculous and sad even typing this information out- I am smart girl with a good head on my shoulders and I would never tolerate a bad relationship… We have been crazy in love for years with a wonderful sexlife and we are best friends… I just don’t understand where this came from and I don’t know how to handle it.

It was more of a sexual chatting and pictures type thing than an emotional connection. But honestly, it is very scary and disgusting to me that he actually sent strangers nude photos of himself!

I am trying to decide whether or not it actually makes any difference to me if he physically interacted with these women or not; for me the intent to betray and seek out something outside of our relationship was still there. What is so confusing is that I have never seen any signs of any behavior like this the entire time we have been together and we live together. I have asked if he has an addiction and he seems appalled at the idea of that. He is so remorseful and swore on his life that he would never jeopardize us again. So why did you? Do these kinds of patterns begin out of nowhere? Will he really stop? These girls weren't even attractive?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • That's pretty disheartening to hear and I have to preface this with I'm jaded I've been dating since I was 17 and every guy I've ever dated and having been in relationships myself I've never been happy for more than two years, after two years I start looking for new options. I have to say I have always had disfunctional relationships but well that's another story. Men are incredibly sexual creatures and the idea of complete fidelity is very difficult. I would say that maybe setting up ground rules if you can tolerate it would be the best thing you could do if you love this guy and you want to be with him then that's what you've got to do. The best you can hope for is that he deosn't send pictures to someone one of you know cause awkward. But really this is a very mild form for "infedelity" I honestly believe that most attractive men have sex outside their relationships on a regular basis unattractive men I think it is less common but if the opportunity arose I honestly don't think they would pass it up. I guess it really is person to person, the truth is that he's lying to you about what he's doing and that's not a good thing. My problem in relationships was that I never would lie and my boyfriends hated that I would tell them that I slept with someone else when we were broken up. They hated me for it, but I was always honest I promised not to lie when I got sober. I hate that people lie but people do it. You've got to decide what your priorities are you have to sit down and weigh the pros and cons and figure out if this is going to drive you crazy and also figure out if you are OK with this because you are the one who has to live with it no body else and no body can tell you what to do. I'm sending you the warmest wishes, the biggest hugs and lots of love from a single girl whose cheated (only to escape abusive relationships you tell them you slept with someone else they let you go FINALLY) and been cheated on over and over again. I don't believe in fidelity. I don't think it exists. Maybe you could get him to go to marriage counseling or if you active in a church they often do free counseling with the pastor or holy figure.

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    • Fidelity exists. You have just come across a lot of d-bags! I used to think it didn't exist and was cheated on until my current boyfriend. We do a lot together, we spend time with each others' families, we both know each others passwords & sometimes if I am driving and want to send a text to someone I'll have him do it for me,or vise versa. I am not sure how you have come across such scum, but I suggest don't look for guys at parties, bars, clubs, or most men that just come up to you. Ignore them!

    • I have to disagree, I think monogamy is entirely possible. maybe you go for more polyamoros men. I'm a very loyal (and jealous) person, but the people that tend to like me are very hit and run, or very polyamoros females, so idk. I don't think it's gender bound.

    • Mertiful most of the men I have dated have been the jealous type and always accused me of cheating even when I wasn't when things got difficult. I go for manly men I love testosterone! Might be my curse.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Hi there! I am very sorry your relationship is struggling- it sounds like you love each other very much. Cyber-sex is most certainly cheating, and whether you wish to leave him or not is your choice, but before you do, I'd like to give you some perspective on it from a male's point of view. Cyber-sex is an easy way to get your sexual needs met that can feel safe to those who are insecure about their sexuality- I got into it due to sexual trauma. however it can also be very addictive. Though I am not with anyone at the moment, if I was, I would find it very difficult to stop, regardless of how much I loved the person. If you do continue to stay with him, address the issue as soon as possible- which requires more than just a talk. He needs therapy, or perhaps a meeting to go to. hope this helps, and good luck! I hope it all works out :) -revery

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    • Thank you for commenting! Do you feel that all men who engage in this activity will need therapy to quit? I am confused as to whether this behavior has been going on longterm or if it is a new thing for him. Of course he says this is the first time but it seems a little unlikely since he was so quick to jump to creating another account and using it. Right after saying he was disgusted with himself and that it "wasn't him" or the "kind of person" he is. Seems like denial to me.

    • for sure :) it's something I need help with, so let me know how it goes. It's most likely been going on since before you were even together... or at least for a very long time... and probably started at a point of insecurity in his life. When he says it "wasn't him," he is telling the truth in a sense. often, alcoholics will say that they are entirely different people when they feed their addiction. the same applies for sexual addiction, however impersonal.

  • You really have to leave him.

    It seems that he's a big tendency to cheat on you behind your back.

    Leave him before you get hurt.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Not to be mean, but it's a no-brainer that he is cheating, and I think you realize that. I agree that he sounds like he does love you, but his actions are selfish and if he truly cared about you to the extent he says he does he would have thought about how you'd feel if you found out. People don't keep secrets about things they don't think are wrong or shameful. He kept that secret for a reason, and I'm glad you found out now rather than later. I think it is disgusting he sent photos to another girl or multiple girls. I would break up with him, because you deserve better. It doesn't matter if the girls are attractive or unattractive, which is shown by him sending it to them. Maybe he had this problem all along but he kept it under wraps so that you didn't realize it right away. I am sorry this had to happen, you sound like a nice smart women who has been hurt, but don't let him continue to hurt you. This is not normal, and shows signs he will most likely cheat again in some way, even if it isn't physical. Plus, now you will have some trust issues with him because he deceived you. His swearing doesn't mean sh*t, so many people go against their own words. I am sure before this he had told you at one time that " Oh, I'd never cheat on you" too. Be smart like you are, know you deserve better.

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    • i agree, he's probably been doing this since before they started dating. but I think he deserves a chance to get help. if he doesn't agree to go to meetings or see a therapist about this, then he needs a biggg wake up call. And I think he does intend to keep his promises, but when it comes to addiction, intentions aren't enough.

    • I agree, mewtiful, that he does need help. I am not sure if I 100% agree with intentions not being enough since I don't think that's a good excuse, but I do see it from your light in a way since addictions are intense. The question is though if he actually does have an addiction, or is just a douche bag? It could really depend... I do feel that if he does agree to help that is a big step, but something like this could take a long time to fix, and does she really have the time to wait around?

  • I know you feel like you're pretty deep into this relationship now, but what about in 10 years when you have three kids and a mortgage payment? Then you'll REALLY be stuck.

    You still have a chance to get out of this... and one day when you find something like this again, you're going to be so bummed and kick yourself because you "knew better" if you stay with him. Plus, the fact that he's acting appalled about this sounds like he's trying to take the focus off of him, which is something guilty people do!

    If anything, I feel like he may not have actually had sex with these girls, but 1- how do you know he didn't? and 2- he broke your trust. I was once in a 3 year relationship where the guy cheated in the beginning! No matter what, I felt like I couldn't trust where he said he was, or what he was doing, or who he was talking to because it always felt like a lie to me. That trust was shot. After that I was single for about 2 years, now I'm in a committed relationship that is SO much better! You don't want to worry about the other person and you want to be able to trust them!

    He's now lied to you multiple times and you know he can't be trusted, it doesn't matter what the girls looked like. If I was you, I would leave while you still can. I know you live together and it seems really serious, but this is going to happen again and you don't want it to happen when you have kiddos.

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  • I'd leave him.

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  • Yes this is cheating.

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    • justrandomlymadethis how long have you been together? cause if it's less than 5 years I'll laugh myself off my chair five years would begin to prove monogamy. just barely begin.

  • I've got to note that everyone answering you is a woman so talk to some men about it who are not interested in you sexually and not family members get an honest opinion on what men really do. I for one watch a fair amount of p*rn and would still do this in a relationship and I wouldn't consider that cheating where some people would. --- a girl----

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