Hello everyone , I will try to make this short. I was in a relationship with my ex-boyf for 8 1/2 years ( from 14 years old to 23, I'm 24 now). We broke up in August 2012 ( 9 months ago or so) We had SEVERAL issues with our relationship. Our anger towards each other being the first. we even had issues of physical abuse..( which he did to me on several occasions) . every now and then we always had phases of " not feeling the same" and we break up. Well anyway he broke up with me. and this time ( for the first time, and with tons of support ..i NEVEr got back with him). Until today , he begs, sends flowers and has even went to therapy to help himself. He is a 100% changed man. ( SO he says and he talks diff too). He was suffering through this breakup and I know and saw it. He came to my house on SEVERAL occasions drunk and crying. his friends and even his mom told me he is truly suffering. ( this really kills me inside bec I do love him very very much) Well long story short, he got a job offer in NY ( we live in CA) so he moved there. He KNEW that my life long wish was to live in NY for at least some part of my life. so since he left, he's been contacting me tell ing me he has a beautiful place for us, he has our pics up there etc. The problem is I met someone, the same time we broke up. This man is a great person, we've been dating for 9 months now. he is honestly everything I looked for in my ex that I never recieved . when I was with my ex I CRIED ALOT. he was VERY ignorant to my feelings and mademe the most insecure woman ever. This guy , on the otherhand trreats me like a princess. the problem is ..this guy is truly rdy to settle down.he talks about marriage and is truly in love with me. My problem and MY stress is that I need to decide whther or not to go to New York and live withmy ex. I stilll LOVE him..i don't want to make a bad decision and lose this new guy forever for my ex.my ex and I have MILLIONS of memories. ( traveling, inside jokes, a car club we started together, soccer teams, we coached together, I was not complete without basically) He was ALL I knew. He was my EVERYTHING. I don't think ill love like that again. I truly TRULY gave him all my energy and alll my heart. Its SO hard for me to love this new guy,tho he is AMAZING. My ex knows I graduate in May from College and wants me to come then . My family tells me...that if he wnats me there he better put a ring on it and NOT let him waste anymore of my years. I have talked to him about it..and he is happy to do so. I am SO worried I may be making a bad decision/ \\. One more thing..i actually bought a TICKET to NY for two weeeks from now to meet/surprise my ex. he hs NO idea..and I FEEL EXTREMELY guilty inside to the new guy. But I did it bec I want to put my MIND to REST and see him and see how I feel. If I feel I still want to be with him. Please help me ..my mind is clouded and I'm all alone on this situation.
Most Helpful Guy
Here's what I see:
You got together with this guy at a very young age, and got very emotionally attached (extremely common with first real relationships). When it started to go wrong, though, you didn't have the confidence to break up with him and move on. You kept going back and back and back. For a certain percentage of people, they do this: they don't end a relationship that is LONG dead because they still have feelings, and because they're afraid to lose that history they had together, so they stay in an unhealthy relationship much longer than they should have. That's you.
As you've said, this new guy is everything you really wanted. Except he's not what you are used to, and he's not your first love. You're trying to hold on to that first love, as SO MANY girls do. It's just that most girls lose their first love in Jr High or High School, spend 6 months crying over it, and then realize that life isn't over, and they learn to move on. You've never really learned to move on.
Your ex is now back and trying to pull you back in. Yes, maybe he's done some work, but the truth is that if you go back with him, in 6-12 months, things will be just like they always were. All of his "changes" will revert because, like you, he's been in this same relationship for too long. Meanwhile, you will have SH!T all over the new, good guy, because you have committed to him and then essentially cheated on him with your ex.
The chances of you having a healthy, life-long relationship with your ex is very, very low at this point. I won't say impossible, but VERY improbable. I believe that if you pursue this with your ex, that in 2-3 years, you'll be alone in NY, facing a divorce and who-knows-what other problems (financial? baby? legal?), and wondering how things could have gone so wrong.
I recommend you make a clean break from your ex and focus on your current guy, and if you can't do that, then be honest with him and break up with him. What you are doing right now isn't fair to him at all.0