I need advice..big time. Please

Hello everyone , I will try to make this short. I was in a relationship with my ex-boyf for 8 1/2 years ( from 14 years old to 23, I'm 24 now). We broke up in August 2012 ( 9 months ago or so) We had SEVERAL issues with our relationship. Our anger towards each other being the first. we even had issues of physical abuse..( which he did to me on several occasions) . every now and then we always had phases of " not feeling the same" and we break up. Well anyway he broke up with me. and this time ( for the first time, and with tons of support ..i NEVEr got back with him). Until today , he begs, sends flowers and has even went to therapy to help himself. He is a 100% changed man. ( SO he says and he talks diff too). He was suffering through this breakup and I know and saw it. He came to my house on SEVERAL occasions drunk and crying. his friends and even his mom told me he is truly suffering. ( this really kills me inside bec I do love him very very much) Well long story short, he got a job offer in NY ( we live in CA) so he moved there. He KNEW that my life long wish was to live in NY for at least some part of my life. so since he left, he's been contacting me tell ing me he has a beautiful place for us, he has our pics up there etc. The problem is I met someone, the same time we broke up. This man is a great person, we've been dating for 9 months now. he is honestly everything I looked for in my ex that I never recieved . when I was with my ex I CRIED ALOT. he was VERY ignorant to my feelings and mademe the most insecure woman ever. This guy , on the otherhand trreats me like a princess. the problem is ..this guy is truly rdy to settle down.he talks about marriage and is truly in love with me. My problem and MY stress is that I need to decide whther or not to go to New York and live withmy ex. I stilll LOVE him..i don't want to make a bad decision and lose this new guy forever for my ex.my ex and I have MILLIONS of memories. ( traveling, inside jokes, a car club we started together, soccer teams, we coached together, I was not complete without basically) He was ALL I knew. He was my EVERYTHING. I don't think ill love like that again. I truly TRULY gave him all my energy and alll my heart. Its SO hard for me to love this new guy,tho he is AMAZING. My ex knows I graduate in May from College and wants me to come then . My family tells me...that if he wnats me there he better put a ring on it and NOT let him waste anymore of my years. I have talked to him about it..and he is happy to do so. I am SO worried I may be making a bad decision/ \\. One more thing..i actually bought a TICKET to NY for two weeeks from now to meet/surprise my ex. he hs NO idea..and I FEEL EXTREMELY guilty inside to the new guy. But I did it bec I want to put my MIND to REST and see him and see how I feel. If I feel I still want to be with him. Please help me ..my mind is clouded and I'm all alone on this situation.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Here's what I see:

    You got together with this guy at a very young age, and got very emotionally attached (extremely common with first real relationships). When it started to go wrong, though, you didn't have the confidence to break up with him and move on. You kept going back and back and back. For a certain percentage of people, they do this: they don't end a relationship that is LONG dead because they still have feelings, and because they're afraid to lose that history they had together, so they stay in an unhealthy relationship much longer than they should have. That's you.

    As you've said, this new guy is everything you really wanted. Except he's not what you are used to, and he's not your first love. You're trying to hold on to that first love, as SO MANY girls do. It's just that most girls lose their first love in Jr High or High School, spend 6 months crying over it, and then realize that life isn't over, and they learn to move on. You've never really learned to move on.

    Your ex is now back and trying to pull you back in. Yes, maybe he's done some work, but the truth is that if you go back with him, in 6-12 months, things will be just like they always were. All of his "changes" will revert because, like you, he's been in this same relationship for too long. Meanwhile, you will have SH!T all over the new, good guy, because you have committed to him and then essentially cheated on him with your ex.

    The chances of you having a healthy, life-long relationship with your ex is very, very low at this point. I won't say impossible, but VERY improbable. I believe that if you pursue this with your ex, that in 2-3 years, you'll be alone in NY, facing a divorce and who-knows-what other problems (financial? baby? legal?), and wondering how things could have gone so wrong.

    I recommend you make a clean break from your ex and focus on your current guy, and if you can't do that, then be honest with him and break up with him. What you are doing right now isn't fair to him at all.

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    • Thank you for your advice and your words. I believe in everything that you said. It is A LOT harder to do than to say ..trust me. I need to stop being so depressed and cloud minded. That's why I'm on here! I'm living in hell by this situation. The memories with my ex run in my mind almost all day. I hate this..because I know I can easily back my bags and say I'm coming home baby! like buying the ticket...for example. oh I'm going crazy.

    • I'm happy to help, but as you said, it's something you need to find the strength to do yourself; no one else can save you from your mistakes but you.

      IMO, going back to your ex would be a big mistake, but only you can make that call.

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What Guys Said 4

  • When I read this I see.

    Your ex was abusive, didn't care about your feeligns, made you insecure

    Your current is the exact opposite and everything you want in a guy

    The reason you are conflicted is because it is hard get over the first love. That emotion is hard to duplicate, but it seems to me that you can create a beautiful life with the new guy and there are fewer questions regarding the potential negatives. I don't want to talk badly about your ex but, it is easy to be the swooning, lonely, reminiscer when you lose the love you have; the question is will he still be so great once you two are back together and the luster of getting back a lost love wears off.

    Your dealing with two different issues

    1) is the pragmatic rational decision ... the current guy you are with who has done nothing to betray your trust or emotions

    2) is the emotional decision ... the ex who you have a history with

    It's hard to ignore emotions but I would try to do that here and make the decision that is most sound. Ignore the ex's friends and family as they have his best interest at heart. Heed your family, friends and most importantly your own advice as they have your best interest at heart

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    • Thank you so much for understanding. My ex is at complete distress because I keep telling him that I love him but not sure. I've been telling him this for over 6 months. Our memories are tremedous and I'm truly suffering between this decision. I am not playing with anyone..as a matter of fact, I abhor this situation. Its causing me extreme stress and depression. I love my ex so much and cutting him off completely scares me.

    • good luck with either decision!

  • WOW girl that is tough. The only thing I can think of right now is the unfortunate pain the new guy is going through guessing why you are pulling away. He is giving you his open heart to have and to share with no baggage and no strings. Hasn't done anything but try to support you, yet he has no idea what he is supporting. I would be devastated to know why my girl who I adore so much and has pulled me into her life to now be thinking of a past lover secretly. And even talking to him regularly giving him hope rather than focusing on the greater hope in front of you.

    I am actually hurting for the new guy.

    I didn't have advise at first but now I think you should let the new guy go. He deserves so much better than what your are doing to him behind his back.

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    • i understand your view point 100% and I hate doing this. But I too, am truly suffering from this decision. I want to move on, but for some reason something keeps holding me back.

    • I hope you know I wasn't trying to shred you apart. I'm trying to see your points with the old friend. He basically has just big promises not any real proof. You are being lured by an unknown hope. The physical abuse is enough for most people to move on.

  • It's all about your happiness - who do you love? I noticed you said, "It's SO hard for me to love this new guy". Follow your heart. Be super clear on the abusive angle... Abusers need outside help because they're in an anger pattern. The nine months you spent with the new guy... Do you have any good memories? If you have love feelings for him then one day you may have eight years of memories with him as well. You're not going to get an easy answer. Maybe your trip will help you out. But, what about sleeping with your ex? If you sleep with him then you've basically cheated on your new guy and betrayed his trust in you. You'll always have that to deal with as well. Choose the one you love the most who will be the better friend, lover, and future. You're handling it well.

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    • thank you for your support. Unfortunately, I am not handling this well. This is the most painful, mind clouding situation I have ever been in. My ex knows about my new relationship and he is hurting. He tells me to make up my mind and stop confusing him. My new guy tells me that I act distant and I need to decide whether or not I want him in my life.. THis situation is devastating. I can't seem to let go of my past. I was doing fine for a few months until I found out he is suffering. I love him 2mu

  • physically abused you...

    if you were my sister I'd break his arms.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Yikes! You seem stuck! The first thing you need to do is sort out your feelings. Do you really love your ex? How would you feel if your new guy broke up with you? Are you ready to forgive your ex yet? Once you figure those out, it will make more sense.

    I think you should talk to your new guy about it. Ask him how he feels about you going to see your ex. Tell him how you feel about settling down so quickly so he understands. If he understands and agrees to hold off the wedding talk for awhile, then you will know if he truly cares. On the other hand, if he is hurt by you not wanting to move so fast, maybe it just wasn't mean to be?

    Hope this helped!

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    • Thank u. I actually decided to cancel the ticket. Going would devastate the new guy and probably make things much more clouded for me. He knows about the slowing down part and he's 100% supportive. He says he loves me and is willing to wait. The problem is ..i need help letting go of the past. Its very hard. and I can't seem to do it. I'm always dosed off and I can't forget the almost 9 years we had together. I can go on and on of all our memories and things we shared. I dunohow to let go.

    • It's truly fantastic that he is fully supportive of slowing down. You are most definitely right though. I sure know I wouldn't be able to let go of 9 years of memories in a few months. I think that with time, you will be able to move on, but tell your ex that you are with someone else and can't see him anymore. You don't need to be sure your new guy is the love of your life just yet, but you need to decide whether or not you are going to let the past hold you back.

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