Girls, why do you not make the first move?

It seems that almost all girls hardly ever, or never, make the first move. Why?

People say tradition, but that seems more like a lame excuse. Surely girls most of you have WANTED sometimes to make the first move on a guy. What's REALLY stopped you? Do you not regret the missed opportunities?

Obviously by 'make the first move', I don't mean being friendly/nice and hoping the guy notices you and makes the first move. I mean doing something that makes it CLEAR you're sexually/interested in him.
Updates:
*sexually/romantically interested in him
Interesting responses so far. Keep 'em coming.


IMO, the idea that if a guy is interested he will definitely make the first move, assumes that all three of the following are true:

1. the guy has unlimited time;

2. the guy already knows enough about you to think it worth his time/energy to approach you (different guys have different preferences, so obviously what will be 'enough' to one guy won't be 'enough' to another);

3. the guy is confident enough to approach any girl he's interested.
As for me, I would say I'm confident enough to approach any girl, the exception being a girl who looks like she's hanging out with a boyfriend (obviously, if I KNEW he was her boyfriend, I definitely wouldn't approach, but that's not a confidence issue).

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It depends on how you define "the first move". Is it making prolonged eye contact? A smile? A simple hi? Or something to start an entire conversation?

    If it's all of the above, then I've done all of them. If I want something (or in this case, someone) I go get it. I see no reason for me to sit on my butt and expect everything to come to me. What if the guy won't notice me unless I say hi? And what if, once I've said hi, he immediately gets interested and thinks "wow, how come I haven't seen her here before". So the whole "if he's interested in me, he'll make a move" thing is bullsh*t. What if he hasn't noticed you? Or what if he's too shy for his own good? Then what? You're going to pass up an opportunity to get to know a possibly great guy? Nuh-uh, not me at least. I've chosen to sit back and do nothing so many times in my life, and not just when not wanting to make the first move, and it has always turned out to be a dumb decision. But, that's just me, so I can't speak for all girls.

    Also, I don't think "tradition" is a lame excuse. If the girl has been brought up thinking that the man should be the one to initiate everything first, you can't exactly blame her. That's just what she believes, and I'm fairly positive that there are guys out there as well who believe that the guy should be the one making the first move. There's really nothing wrong with that. The only thing that can go wrong with a girl not wanting to make the first move, is if she acts all spoiled about it too. For example, she starts whining when only the "wrong" guys approach her, or even whines that NOBODY approaches her. That's the only problem I might have with girls not wanting to do anything.

    And then we have the basics: fear of rejection, shyness, insecurities, bad previous experiences etc. The same things spinning around in a guy's head when he's contemplating whether to ask a girl out or not. But let me just tell you, there ARE a lot of girls and women out there who are ready to make the first move if needed. So there's no need to act like there are none, or only a rare few. You just haven't found them, yet.

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    • That's a pretty comprehensive answer, thanks. I guess what counts as the first move would depend on the situation. Approaching a stranger in a bar and starting a flirty conversation would count in my book. But if it's a work/school situation, I'd think you'd pretty much have to grope/kiss or ask them out, LOL, for it to count. I don't think many girls are told these days that the man should always initiate. My sister was never told (certainly not by my liberal parents) but she still holds that

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    • As for being too shy to approach or make a move, sadly there are guys like that. For some reason, a lot of my brother's friends are like that. They are all in their 20's, virgins (not that that's a bad thing of course, but still), and they are all simply very very bad at talking to girls. They chicken out just about every time they're supposed to make a move. My brother likes to joke about this, since he himself is quite the social butterfly. So it depends a lot on who you hang out with.

    • Interesting. Wow. I don't know any guy like that LOL. As I say even the shiest guys I know do make a move.

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What Girls Said 13

  • Why? Well, for example, I always am making the first move because I hate games and I'm very forward. And you know what that's gotten me? Nothing. I've had to get used to rejection. And no girl should ever have to get used to that. Girls are constantly told by guys that guys want a girl to make a move but when it comes down to it the guys I talk to are really only in it for the chase.

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    • I've been approached by girls before - and those have always been the ugly ducklings, aka girls I wouldn't kick out of my bed because I wouldn't want them in my bed to begin with.

      You, however, are cute - and so, it's my educated *cough* guess that guys think you are joking around and have absolutely no intention of going out with them on a date, or even date them; and assume that you'll just run to your girlfriends and laugh at him.

      But I would love other guys input on this

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    • AndyWes--The reason below is why I say no girl should ever have to get used to rejection because in today's society, it automatically labels you as desperate or needy. For me, speaking my mind was my way of finding out why I never have had anyone ask me out. I went through HS thinking there was something seriously wrong with me so I decided to go out and just say if I liked someone because I prefer that much more to playing games and falling for someone who was just using me.

    • Cont.--Girls shouldn't have to get used to rejection not based off of a sexist approach, but because of the way that society differs when it comes to labeling men vs. women. Men are labeled TYPICALLY as strong and confident and very desirable if they speak their minds whereas women are TYPICALLY stuck with being called desperate and needy by an overwhelming percentage of females. I hang out with guys mainly for the reason that women seem to need drama and to trash talk when I speak my mind.

  • I have asked guys out. With one exception (ended up marrying him) it seemed to creep the guys out, like it wasn't my place. Not that they all turned me down, but it set up a really weird dynamic between us that didn't end well. So the last time I had a really bad crush on a guy, I exercised self-control and waited for him to ask me.

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  • Personally, the reason I don't make the first move is because I think that if the guy would have been interested with me, then he would have made the first move himself. Why bother? I don't want to be rejected.

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    • Don't want to be rejected?

      Welcome to the life of a man, sweetie.

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    • Haha I hope you're kidding. I don't think men get paid more just because they are men. That would just be unfair. Women are not inferior to men I thought you knew that.

    • Good lord you need to learn what's been going on in the country in the last few decades.

  • I feel like I'm making the guy in question feel himself emasculated by approaching him. It doesn't help that I'm pretty tall, and have a deep, strong voice...

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  • Because approaching guys and making the first move has NEVER worked for me... EVER. Especially if I'm looking for a serious long-term relationship/marriage.

    The only time making the first move on a guy will work is if the guy ALREADY had a secret crush on you to begin with. Otherwise... it's a real gamble. :(

    I still firmly believe that if a guy is REALLY interested in me, he will make SOME type of move, especially if I'm nice to him, smiling, and not acting cold or aloof. #trustme

    Even the most SHYEST guys have eventually done SOMETHING to let me know that they were interested.

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  • I wait and see if he will make a move. If not and I feel its worth my time I pounce.

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  • Because we don't have to. So stop complaining.

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    • I'm not complaining LOL. I just think it's weird and sad to have so many missed opportunities.

  • For me personally I have had bad experiences with it. Any guys I've approached have ended up being jerks and wanting one thing. And no they didn't treat me back, they were great the first few weeks, the nice guy mask then when I said no to sex they take off. So I've given up trying. I can't find a decent guy, honestly lol.

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    • Aww, that's sad. But there are literally millions of decent guys out there.

  • because we don't have to

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    • Definitely almost all girls will be approached by some guys. But the chance that the specific guy you want will approach you is low surely. That's what my question is addressing.

  • I'm WAY too shy and scared of rejection to approach a guy. But SO many women do, perhaps it's a cultural thing, but here in the UK the 'laddish' girls who do all the chasing have made life impossible for the more old fashioned, shy women like me. Men here now expect us to approach them and generally won't put themselves out at all to come to us.

    All I'm able to do is look, and even then now I'm older I'm not as confident doing that as I used to be. But eye contact goes nowhere really these days.

    Your comment about a guy needing to know enough about a girl to think it's worth his time or energy to approach her worries me a lot! You're assuming all social set-ups are a group of friends or friends of friends where people will know something about each other!? What about in bars or in a coffee shop or something? So, does it just never happen because the guy knows nothing about the girl!?

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    • It depends on the guy and the situation. IMO pretty girls are fairly common, so usually there has to be something special about a girl to make ME interested enough to approach her. Sometimes though I'll feel playful and energetic enough to just approach any pretty girl in a bar or coffee shop: also it's good for keeping me in practice LOL. If a girl smiles at me while I'm scoping out the bar/cafe/whatever, that makes me more likely to approach her, though it's not guaranteed.

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    • I don't think you should worry .. I generally approach women in public places .. many others do as well.. .. and no you don't have to be popular or loud to get a man's attention.. if you look cute and you aren't giving strong rejection vibes ( I don't mean being quiet or shy .. I mean acting snobbish and short ) then men will approach you .

    • I'm told I'm attractive, and I'm definitely not giving out rejection vibes or being a snob... so perhaps I go to the wrong places!?

  • Fear of rejection. Fear of appearing desperate. Fear of the guy saying yes just because he thinks it'll be easier to get in your pants...

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  • I´m affraid to make an explicit first move, as I´m affraid of being rejected and humiliated. When I like guy, I´m nice to him, I try to be around him as much as possible, I smile and try to flatter him.. but usually guy doesn´t make a move anyway..

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    • Us guys don't know if a girl interested in us even if you slapped us in the face (or whatever the saying is haha).

    • Haha. Jmowen, you're right.

  • I will sometimes if he's not getting it or I can tell he's interested.

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What Guys Said 7

  • Everyone is different. Some do make the first move, some don't.

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    • True, but I'm sure almost everyone would agree that girls, in reality, make the first move far less often than guys do, hence the question.

  • If they give off a signal, that kinda is the first move if you think about it. All they have to do is show they're interested, and then all you have to do is have that register in your head and then go talk to her.

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  • Girls are too afraid of rejection. They'd rather complain that "the guys need to step it up" or "grow a pair and ask a girl out" or stuff like that, but the problem is--girls are just too afraid. Rejection crushes them completely, so they're unwilling to risk it, mostly.

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  • They always complain that rejection hurts them more which is a total lie.

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    • I think it may be true but perhaps only because most girls don't have enough experience to toughen up. I guess the amount of experience necessary to toughen up depends on the individual. The last time I was even slightly upset by a rejection was the second time I was rejected. Since then I've had many successes and many rejections.

  • The honest answer is they don't want to and they don't have to. They get approached enough

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  • In my humble opinion, number 3 in your update ("the guy is confident enough to approach any girl he's interested.") is actually the only one that matters + that he's socially smart + knows about flirting signals from girls ...and sadly, that I think apply to most, if not all, players

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  • You can't fight 4 million years of evolution and instinct. The males have the testosterone. The women, not so much. The men are the hunters. The women, are the prize.

    When a girl has been brought up to believe (and every instinct in her body tells her) that if a guy wants her, he will pursue her and go after her and try to win her... then she honestly believes to the core of her being that if a guy doesn't do these things, then he doesn't want her. Not *really*.

    So why would she make a move on a guy who doesn't want her?

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