Why use No Contact after a break up did this help you find closure any easier?

What key event or thought finally gave you closure after your break up?

How did using No Contact effect you as the Dumper or the Dumpee?

Is using No Contact just the cowards way out of a relationship?

Updates:
I guess I just don't get the concept of No Contact after a break up, having always ended things amicably in the past with any one else in my life. So naive was I having him said what he did I thought he is just mad at me, give him some time and contact him when he is no longer angry after all we were in a fight when we he broke it off.


I only learned that he was using No Contact on me when I found this site, I never heard of such a thing before that..he must have as he is still using it!

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  • ehhhh I had the same exact questions as you after a breakup, I feel like most people do.

    the key event for closure? my ex said if you love someone...let them go if it was meant to be, it'll be. The closure came when I realized if it was meant to be, it would have never ended. it was pretty weird, one day you'll wake up and suddenly feel completely different.

    effect of no contact? I was the dumpee. the longer the no contact, the more I examined all the faults and problems of the relationship. I realized I treated her a lot better than she treated me. all the positive things I thought right after the breakup were replaced with negative aspects of the relationship as time went on.

    no contact as the cowards way out? yes and no. 1. if a dumper initiates no contact, yes I feel that it is because they wanted to end it. they should at least be able to talk things out if they genuinely cared about you sometime throughout the relationship.2. if a dumpee initiates no contact, no I feel that it isn't because they broke up with you. you are just trying to move on and cut them out of your life like they want.

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    • Your comment has hit a nerve with me because I agree if it was meant to be he would have come back to me and worked it out after all that is what he wanted from me - I'm angry at him making me promise something that he himself was unwilling to do particularly as I told him you are nothing if not your word. He often said the right things to appease me his actions never matched the fact was he did not know how to be in a relationship and I like you treated him better than he treated me by far

    • exactly. if it was meant to be, it would never turn into a "real breakup", they would have came back within a month to at least talk or try to work things out. if you get back together within a month, it is just a fight/ hiccup in the relationship. anything longer than a month and the thoughts of this person is the one goes out the window. this is just my viewpoint tho, I'm sure everyone thinks differently and I actually know of people that have gotten back together after a long breakup

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What Guys Said 7

  • No Contact is not about closure it is about preventing relapse. It does work but it tends to be the worst albeit the most effective way to go about it simply because it is emotionally devastating to both parties. It does rapidly heal things quicker but it also leaves a deeper scar. Anything ending on bad terms tends to suffer this though.

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    • I agree it is not about closure at all as neither party get it. I also agree it leaves a deep scar, I have never been hurt by anyone as deeply as this man has hurt me, and the only reason why is he used No Contact, something I knew nothing about. I will be posting his things back to finally remove him from my home an inside the box will be no note, just his things - No contact after all.

  • "What (...) thought finally gave you closure after your break up?"

    If it doesn't have a future, can't have a present. If it isn't worth it, it can't be love. If you have already quit, it wasn't there to last longer.

    "How did using No Contact effect you as the Dumper(...)?"

    It is a lot easier to forget with silence that it is with friendship.

    "Is using No Contact just the cowards way out of a relationship?"

    That, Lucy, it is a great question with no good answer for you, since every person has his own view about that aspect. For me, cowards are those who put an end to the relationship, but stick around causing even more pain to the other one. usually that happens because that person can't see himself with out the other one.

    Definition of Cowardice

    Trait wherein fear and excess self-concern override doing or saying what is right, good and of help to others or oneself in a time of need

    When a person brakes up a relationship, usually that is done after a lot of thinking, which overrides the fear of saying what has to be said, which should help both on the future because the relationship wasn't getting a long, vast and great future.

    (About the update)-------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The concept about deleting any possibility of contact with the other one, is to keep away from discussion, arguments, useless fights and pain through the process of accepting that the relationship is actually over. By cutting communication, you mind is more secure of that unless the other one keeps struggling to get it back, find a reason for it and so on (which can work out on a re-do to the relationship and end with friendship or even a different future together, which is rare)

    (Personal Opinion)-------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I guess that what I've said about it, pretty much sums it up what I could say here but, I have one last thing to say about what other people might thing about the third thing you've asked.

    There is another side of the story for this matter, but it depends on what has happened to the couple in order for that to actually happen.

    On the example I gave you, it was what I personally have gone through (I'm still not quite over it, but it doesn't matter). Since I wasn't seeing any future for that relationship because of numerous reasons and I'm not the type of person to start a relationship and keep it until a certain period of time and just end it like that (it would be a 2years relationship before 5 years of not seeing each other because of college).

    But there are other cases where * a guy brakes up with his girl to run away from the normal problems couples face with like the first problem that arrives. usually that type of problem is solved by talking, but he's so afraid to hear bad things that he just runs away. That's being a coward to me

    *I took a guy with an example, could be a girl to

    ---------------

    I hope that I was clear enough for you. Cheers,

    Mrcdinis

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    • Our relationship had issues most of them not all were down to his behavior when he finally pushed me to the edge about these kept telling me need to make it up to you! Worst part of all made me promise never to end it with him stick it out thick or thin I did he ended it. So not only did he not keep his word to me but went into no contact leaving my head in limbo not knowing what no contact was, no closure not even parting with respect. I don't want him back - no contact helped him not me

    • if you don't want him back than just move on

      *Usually "no contact" only helps the one who started it at first, but then both get the point of it after all

    • I agree he initiated No Contact for his own benefit not mine, I did not know what it was, so waited around like a mug thinking he was just mad and when he calmed down he would contact me again, having been together for 7+ months. I am trying to move on with some dignity, I don't want him back not after this no contact thing..I was willing to give him another chance until I found out what he was doing by breaking off all contact. It is solely for his benefit not mine.

  • No contact should NEVER be used as a tactic to get an ex back.

    No contact is used as a healing measure. One can't heal if the person that's causing the pain is constantly still in their life.

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    • I fail to understand why you bring up the get your ex back part - I never knew about no contact until him and he is using it for his own reasons.

      I think relationships should end with dignity and respect that is not what I got by him going into no contact. I have been scarred by this concept

  • It doesn't matter. Most people don't change. No its not cowardly to eliminate toxic people from your life. It is wisened. There are plenty of women out there -- and they have much in common.

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    • Well I don't know what other women have to do with it, but surely it is easier to move on when both parties have agreed to end it mutually.

  • No contact is good for many reasons.

    Staying in touch with an ex reminds people of what they had with them, how it will never return to what it was.

    My biggest reason for no contact is for a future partner to not have to worry about someone trying to come back into the picture. Would you really appreciate it if your S/O was constantly talking to their ex... especially knowing that their ex still has feelings for them?

    It also depends on the breakup. Seeing an ex and knowing that they cheated on you is really hurtful and you'll constantly be reminded of what they did to you every time you get in touch with them.

    No contact also eliminates any potential of trying to mistakenly reignite what was lost. When broken up couples get back together, it's very common for them to fight over what initially broke them up which can destroy the whole relationship all over again.

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  • You BETTER get that concept. There is NO other way to move on. You will obsess with him if you do not stop and think. No one's happiness is or should be relied upon another human being. No contact is necessary for growing and moving on. It is immature and selfish to not let someone go.

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    • It has never been about letting him go it is the uncertainty and disrespect he has shown me during this process. He is 55 surely he could have contacted me arranged to dispose of or collect his things from my home in addition to returning my house key.

      He chose to end it during an argument not me - I think no contact can be useful to allow a period for someone to come to terms with the ending of the relationship in a kind manner he knows I love him and would show grace in this process

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    • Easier said than done LDR he lives in Ireland me England I am paying to get him out of my life and get the closure I seek.

    • Throw out his stuff after a week. Tell him only once and move on. Good luck

  • no contact means not interested anymore

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    • No Contact means you don't want to deal with the hurt you have inflicted or endured. I don't think it helps either person like someone said below, 'just leaves a deeper scar!'

    • Yup :)

What Girls Said 3

  • I have been the no contact dumper twice. (had two fiancés that I just couldn't bring myself to marry) One was because I found he was cheating. He swore it would never happen again. I made sure it wouldn't. *L* I think as some of the others it's the only way to move on and get past a bad relationship.

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  • My boyfriend and I have broken up I still love him I don't know for how long again but I do. He left because he said he wasn't ready to commit full time in a very long, complex way full of excuses.

    I have been crying for so long, it hurts. No contact is good because it helps you to accept that the person is no longer a part of your life.

    What hurts the most about it is that I guess you and your boyfriend has developed a routine when at certain points in the day he will phone you meet you, go out, Skype etc and that's what hurts when you were attached to him and he is no longer there. My ex doesn't call me, and I slept with him once since. It hurts because I feel used and as if he never loved me or cared for me as if he just pretended even after the break up he said he would have been there for me. But when I told him about seeing him with another girl he has stopped it hurts but it helps just be strong everyday. You will get through this

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  • I've done the No contact rule with my ex just to heal myself and allow myself time to get over him completely.

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