For the past few nights I've spent at home with my family, I've had these vivid nightmares about myself being trapped and even seeing my ex boyfriend in my dreams. We broke up a year ago, because I felt as if he wasn't putting effort into our relationship because he wanted to focus on becoming a professional video gamer and put me last (when we were already long distance temporarily because of school), and I'd had enough. When I ended it, I suggested we'd have some time apart, to leave option open in the future when we actually had time for each other. He didn't take it well, and ever since we broke up, he deleted me from social media and never spoke to me again, though I relentlessly tried, and felt immediately terrible for breaking up with him.
He eventually moved on to another girl, and I've just been left lingering over just having one last conversation with him and feeling like I'm still in love with him, and that I'd made the wrong decision. So, I guess I do think about him a lot.
My dreams mainly consist of my being held captive by someone and trying to get out of this locked apartment this strange woman put me in, and she takes away my cell phone, so I can't call anyone or ask for help while she tortures me. Somehow, I break free with a phone and call my dad to rescue me, but he tells me I'm graduating from the college where me and my ex went to when we first met soon, and need to get ready. So, I run over to the auditorium, it's late at night, and I see there's busses to take the (presumably) already graduated students back to the school. I run into a mutual friend of my ex and I's that we met at the school and he tells me there's no hard feelings and that he's happy for me. When I peek inside the bus, I see my ex, who's talking to someone else (not shown) in the same way he always talks to people, expressively with his hands. He glances at me while he's talking, but still says nothing and doesn't acknowledge me, even though I wait for him to say something. When he doesn't, I run over to the auditorium to graduate from our college.
The night before, I had a dream where all I did was ride the bus back and forth, in the middle of the night, to my old elementary school. The busses get progressively more and more packed, and I just sit in the back looking at the dark scenery, like out of an Edgar Allen Poe passage, and observe. Finally, I get off the bus, and go inside the school, looking for a counselor. The school is closing, and I'm told I have to come back tomorrow for psychological services. So when I get back on the bus, it's packed, all the way down to the last step, and the bus driver (who is, in real life, a shuttle driver at my university) tells me, I better squeeze on or I will get left behind. I think about it for a minute or two, and decide to hop on the bus, uncomfortably, full of men and boys I've never even met. Both nights, I've woken up frightened.
Most Helpful Guy
You seem to be thinking about these dreams in light of a feeling of regret about breaking up with your boyfriend, wondering if you've made a mistake. But what strikes me about both the dreams you describe is that they contain this theme of escape. But its a gloomy sort of escape: an escape into an empty future in which you have to create new meaning for yourself. In the first dream, this is represented by the escape from the mad torturing woman and then being immediately cast into a relatively banal situation in which you have to make your own way. In the second, you eventually get off the bus and even when you get back on at the end it seems to be with a plan with what you are going to do (i.e. return to see the counsellor the next day). You have to get on a crowded bus which is full of people you don't know - thus the mass of the people on the bus are an empty, clean slate for you. They have no relationship to you, so again you have escaped into a new empty future in which you have to create everything for yourself.
So I think that ultimately this is about your mind
1. processing the fact that you feel the way you do about the past (regretful, wondering if you have made a mistake, trapped and consumed by it)
2. realising that you have total freedom to choose how to relate to this past - you could cut all ties with it if you chose to do so, or you could try to get back with your ex, or anything (for example, just before dashing off to graduate, you are presented with the option of getting on the bus and trying to get back with your ex)
3. weighing up what it would cost you to do this - the emptiness of the present moment.
If what I have said is anywhere near the mark, then it would explain why you wake up frightened. The prospect of an empty present in which you have to create new meanings afresh is frightening.
I have relied heavily on existentialist philosophy to come up with the above interpretation. Hows does it strike you?0